H’s ADHD can’t be fixed. Now what?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is very sad, I’m so sorry. Are you sure this is just ADHD? It sounds like he’s doing all of the things and still cannot function. How long is he usually able to hold down a job? Is he working from home (if he’s in bed all day)?Does he have any insight or emotional intelligence? Social skills?

At this point I wouldn’t think of him as a child, but as a person with a disability you are caring for. Perhaps focus on his strengths, and the way he CAN contribute, and just let go of any other expectations. I would feel differently if he hadn’t tried everything, as you describe; it’s intractable.

This. How would you feel if your spouse thought you were worthless and kept trying to "fix" you because of a problem you were born with that is disabling, life limiting and unfixable. People with ADHD suffer A LOT their lives are like treadmills of futility every single day.

X100 I would be heartbroken if my DH stopped having sex with me and was trying to fix me. OP you are definitely making it worse. The more DH cheers me on the better. I have so much self-loathing I don’t need more, and it sounds like your DH does too. Hugs to you both.

OP. I just can’t. If he loses his job, I now need to find a way to bring in at least another $80k a year. If I don’t make sure he’s fed, he gets sick. He spends every free moment in bed and on his phone.

I didn’t sign up for this. It’s too stressful.

DP.

But he *hasn’t* lost his job and he probably spends excessive time on his phone and in bed because he can see that you hate him. That would make anyone depressed.

And you DID sign up for this - you married him! You had kids with him!

Thx Op troll and sock puppet.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

“CPTSD” is not in the DSM. I don’t doubt your DH has challenges but CPTSD is not a diagnosis. And of course if his parent had serious mental illness it is likely he does too, or a subclinical version.

Now it’s not. But…

In ICD-11, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is recognized as a distinct condition, separate from PTSD, and it includes three additional symptom clusters related to "disturbances in self-organization" (DSO): affect dysregulation, negative self-concept, and disturbances in relationships. These DSO symptoms are thought to result from prolonged or repetitive exposure to traumatic events, often involving interpersonal violence or abuse.

OP, Ask your H what happened in his childhood. His actions are classic C-PTSD.

It’s not a diagnosis used by US psychiatrists. But I guess the new internet trend is to say that jerk husbands have CPTSD instead of autism.

That’s because it’s not a psychiatric diagnosis. It’s a medical diagnosis.

Who cares. Dysfunctional losers like this cause ongoing trauma to everyone they are near. And duh, to themselves.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:
My husband and son have inattentive ADHD and autism.

It's been a hard road, because they are pretty asocial and forget/miss a lot of deliverables and deadlines. My husband has been let go several times. What saves them is that they both have high IQs and in their field of work (or my son's field of study), they are very good. So *some* employers are willing to turn a blind eye to the executive dysfunction, in order to get the quality of analysis and critical reasoning. However, under stress, my husband can have outbursts of anger that are entirely disproportional to the event. Throwing a phone is entirely compatible with that sort of personality.

I've developed a panic attack disorder, but I recognize it's not solely due to the stress of living with these two people. I was already anxious to begin with. You need to develop mechanisms to cope with anxiety and stress, OP, because your health is paramount!

It seems like your husband has depression. He needs to be medicated for that. Please consider a divorce very carefully, because he might still get custody, and this is something to avoid at all costs. I thought many times about divorce, and custody issues were the main reason I chose not to. My husband has multiple terminal degrees, looks very good on paper, and knows to appear like a calm, soft-spoken person to the right officials.

Best of luck, OP. You need to gird yourself for the long-term. This is not going to resolve itself any time soon.

OP. Thank you for this. Yes, he is depressed and is on medication for that. Unfortunately that also doesn’t seem to help.

He is also someone who knows how to charm. To everyone else, he’s an extremely nice and attentive guy.

Classic C-PTSD

Look into DBT therapy and a therapist who specializes in trauma and EMDR.

Agree DBT weekly therapy for a year is the o to way for an adult to improve over their habits and executive functioning.

Btt it face it, no adult male is going to do that.

They’d rather further check out or hit the Easy Button (divorce wife and children).

The maladaptive coping methods they’ve employed for decades kick in, in failed efforts to immaturely protect their ego and (self) image.

They are fooling no one but themselves. Sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Co-parenting is extremely hard with an ADHD ex, OP.

Mine demanded 50/50 parenting rights, father's rights, and so on, but dropped the ball repeatedly. Our kid was left at school and activities because ex forgot to pick them up on multiple occasions.

Last fall, as a tween, they went to watch a high school football game with friends - dad was supposed to pick them up and spaced it out. The entire field had cleared before our kid finally called me, and I found them hiding under the bleachers in case any cops found them, they didn't want to get their dad in trouble. It was heartbreaking. Kid once took a train to a suburb an hour away from dad's house with no money and had to find a security guard to call me for help - I brought them home to my house, and ex didn't realize they were missing until about 9 pm.

Some days, our kid would miss school because ex just didn't feel like driving them, and they felt school was a waste of time, anyway. Kid didn't brush his teeth or shower at their dad's house for a long time. I kept a few spare pairs of clean clothes and a toothbrush for them with their classroom teacher in case they needed to change.

Forget having a dating life or moving on - you have to be available 24/7 to save your child from your ex.

Finally, my ex met a foreign woman and moved out of the country with her, so at least the worst of it is behind us.

Ugh. I believe it.

Good riddance, glad he moved the heck out of dodge.

Their constant ignorance, neglect and wrongful overconfidence is really dangerous and frightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update.

I’ve decided to move out and end things. There are a lot of issues at play, but the final nail in the coffin for me was that he ultimately prefers to spend his time creeping on random women’s Facebook pages than with me. One problem we have is we have very little time together and almost no sex life, and I’ve told him multiple times he needs to stop spending his evenings scrolling on his phone (at one point it was so bad, he’d be on his phone from the time he got home from work until 1-2am).

He’s also done things like gone on dating apps, and this just feels like the latest iteration of “I’m not cheating! I’m not talking to anyone! You’re really going to leave me over looking at a Facebook page?!”

The whole “I’ll turn my phone off if I’m not using it” thing was a lie as well, yesterday when I got home I could tell he was on it and trying to hide it.

He’s been in therapy and trying various medications for years for AdHD, depression, and addiction, and keeps promising me his behavior will change once he finds the RIGHT doctor or meds or therapist. I told him ultimately he chooses his own behavior, and he’s chosen to behave in destructive ways and blame it on an “illness”.

I started looking at apartment yesterday and will continue today. I had to take the kids along with me so they know what’s going on. My 9yo took it extremely well, so I guess she’s relieved to get away from it.

Such a bizarre OP and update.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have not been honest with us and have used their forum the wrong way.

Don't make stuff up

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP: you need a serious conversation with him. Is he concerned at all about divorce, and not having anyone at all supporting him like you do now? If that's the case, you can tell him that your patience is not unlimited. And if he doesn't seek treatment, you will start a trial separation. Don't mention a divorce. He needs to attend a PHP (partial hospitalization) program, maybe even residential treatment (dual diagnosis mental health and substance abuse). Trust me this can be life changing! My ASD son was struggling first year in college and we requested that he attended the PHP program.

Also, some addiction centers offer inverventionalist services: it's a licensed professional who comes to your home, calms the patient down with injections and transport them to a respective center. It costs about $7k, but this is what relatives would do for their loved ones to get them needed treatment.

Depression is a life threatening condition, and divorce won't help in your situation and he will most likely get some custody and can completely mess up or harm your child.

Umm what planet are you on that you can drug an adult and get them committed to a hospital? That is not how it works

I was offered that in Indiana some states allow the service if a psychiatrist is present. It’s not a forceful removal or detention. But rather a session certified specialist and the loved ones.

Well you were either offered that by a criminal or you were misunderstanding what was going on. On no planet is it legal to sedate an adult in a non-emergency setting and commit him to a mental hospital without legal process.

It’s absolutely legal to call a doctor for a person who threatens to kill himself, would not eat or drink, and remains bedridden for days. That’s what medical professionals are for. Lots of them were picked up by interventionists after the relatives paid the fees, and transported to rehabs in the Midwest where it’s totally legal

No it’s not. You cannot legally commit someone without some sort of legal process just because you pay an “interventionist.”

It’s a matter of perspective. The patient agrees formally and they are taken

And then they can leave when they want (and possibly also sue if you extracted that consent by hiring a doctor to inject them with sedatives).

No their electronics is taken for a few days by they they are deep into the treatment program
I can recommend the facility who can provide these consultants to handle the matter to OP to implement this if OP drops her contact

Omg just stop dummy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

Nah. Look for someone with a degree from a hard college in a hard major and a demanding job. If he was successful at all of that and has a nice and tidy living space, odds of bad ADHD are low. They could still have the “good” ADHD - the kind that makes some adults super productive.

Oh yeah, because managing a home and raising children with a hyper focused adhd work addict is fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very sad, I’m so sorry. Are you sure this is just ADHD? It sounds like he’s doing all of the things and still cannot function. How long is he usually able to hold down a job? Is he working from home (if he’s in bed all day)?Does he have any insight or emotional intelligence? Social skills?

At this point I wouldn’t think of him as a child, but as a person with a disability you are caring for. Perhaps focus on his strengths, and the way he CAN contribute, and just let go of any other expectations. I would feel differently if he hadn’t tried everything, as you describe; it’s intractable.

This. How would you feel if your spouse thought you were worthless and kept trying to "fix" you because of a problem you were born with that is disabling, life limiting and unfixable. People with ADHD suffer A LOT their lives are like treadmills of futility every single day.

X100 I would be heartbroken if my DH stopped having sex with me and was trying to fix me. OP you are definitely making it worse. The more DH cheers me on the better. I have so much self-loathing I don’t need more, and it sounds like your DH does too. Hugs to you both.

OP. I just can’t. If he loses his job, I now need to find a way to bring in at least another $80k a year. If I don’t make sure he’s fed, he gets sick. He spends every free moment in bed and on his phone.

I didn’t sign up for this. It’s too stressful.

He opened the door to separating/divorce. Pursue it. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update.

I’ve decided to move out and end things. There are a lot of issues at play, but the final nail in the coffin for me was that he ultimately prefers to spend his time creeping on random women’s Facebook pages than with me. One problem we have is we have very little time together and almost no sex life, and I’ve told him multiple times he needs to stop spending his evenings scrolling on his phone (at one point it was so bad, he’d be on his phone from the time he got home from work until 1-2am).

He’s also done things like gone on dating apps, and this just feels like the latest iteration of “I’m not cheating! I’m not talking to anyone! You’re really going to leave me over looking at a Facebook page?!”

The whole “I’ll turn my phone off if I’m not using it” thing was a lie as well, yesterday when I got home I could tell he was on it and trying to hide it.

He’s been in therapy and trying various medications for years for AdHD, depression, and addiction, and keeps promising me his behavior will change once he finds the RIGHT doctor or meds or therapist. I told him ultimately he chooses his own behavior, and he’s chosen to behave in destructive ways and blame it on an “illness”.

I started looking at apartment yesterday and will continue today. I had to take the kids along with me so they know what’s going on. My 9yo took it extremely well, so I guess she’s relieved to get away from it.

Yes, children are very perceptive and I bet your children will be very relieved. I bet also that your home does not feel peaceful. I'm sure there's a lot of tension, plus dad is basically a background fixture who is setting an astounding poor example of a father. Don't listen to the people who try to you understand because of the worry of your children being alone with him. This guy they talk a big game at the beginning, but at the end of the day he's not gonna want the responsibility of spending time with and caring for his children. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

“CPTSD” is not in the DSM. I don’t doubt your DH has challenges but CPTSD is not a diagnosis. And of course if his parent had serious mental illness it is likely he does too, or a subclinical version.

Now it’s not. But…

In ICD-11, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is recognized as a distinct condition, separate from PTSD, and it includes three additional symptom clusters related to "disturbances in self-organization" (DSO): affect dysregulation, negative self-concept, and disturbances in relationships. These DSO symptoms are thought to result from prolonged or repetitive exposure to traumatic events, often involving interpersonal violence or abuse.

OP, Ask your H what happened in his childhood. His actions are classic C-PTSD.

It’s not a diagnosis used by US psychiatrists. But I guess the new internet trend is to say that jerk husbands have CPTSD instead of autism.

That’s because it’s not a psychiatric diagnosis. It’s a medical diagnosis.

Who cares. Dysfunctional losers like this cause ongoing trauma to everyone they are near. And duh, to themselves.

+1000. So sick of this day and age where everyone demands understanding and acceptance after "discovering" they have whatever diagnosis. It's exhausting. Where are the resilient, normal people who aren't completely obsessed with themselves?