H’s ADHD can’t be fixed. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very sad, I’m so sorry. Are you sure this is just ADHD? It sounds like he’s doing all of the things and still cannot function. How long is he usually able to hold down a job? Is he working from home (if he’s in bed all day)?Does he have any insight or emotional intelligence? Social skills?

At this point I wouldn’t think of him as a child, but as a person with a disability you are caring for. Perhaps focus on his strengths, and the way he CAN contribute, and just let go of any other expectations. I would feel differently if he hadn’t tried everything, as you describe; it’s intractable.

This. How would you feel if your spouse thought you were worthless and kept trying to "fix" you because of a problem you were born with that is disabling, life limiting and unfixable. People with ADHD suffer A LOT their lives are like treadmills of futility every single day.

X100 I would be heartbroken if my DH stopped having sex with me and was trying to fix me. OP you are definitely making it worse. The more DH cheers me on the better. I have so much self-loathing I don’t need more, and it sounds like your DH does too. Hugs to you both.

OP. I just can’t. If he loses his job, I now need to find a way to bring in at least another $80k a year. If I don’t make sure he’s fed, he gets sick. He spends every free moment in bed and on his phone.

I didn’t sign up for this. It’s too stressful.

Divorce him. tell him he gets to see the kids a week in the summer and one overnight a week. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very sad, I’m so sorry. Are you sure this is just ADHD? It sounds like he’s doing all of the things and still cannot function. How long is he usually able to hold down a job? Is he working from home (if he’s in bed all day)?Does he have any insight or emotional intelligence? Social skills?

At this point I wouldn’t think of him as a child, but as a person with a disability you are caring for. Perhaps focus on his strengths, and the way he CAN contribute, and just let go of any other expectations. I would feel differently if he hadn’t tried everything, as you describe; it’s intractable.

This. How would you feel if your spouse thought you were worthless and kept trying to "fix" you because of a problem you were born with that is disabling, life limiting and unfixable. People with ADHD suffer A LOT their lives are like treadmills of futility every single day.

X100 I would be heartbroken if my DH stopped having sex with me and was trying to fix me. OP you are definitely making it worse. The more DH cheers me on the better. I have so much self-loathing I don’t need more, and it sounds like your DH does too. Hugs to you both.

OP. I just can’t. If he loses his job, I now need to find a way to bring in at least another $80k a year. If I don’t make sure he’s fed, he gets sick. He spends every free moment in bed and on his phone.

I didn’t sign up for this. It’s too stressful.

DP.

But he *hasn’t* lost his job and he probably spends excessive time on his phone and in bed because he can see that you hate him. That would make anyone depressed.

And you DID sign up for this - you married him! You had kids with him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Okay, with love: You get to call it "trauma" if you're going to therapy and doing your work about it. "I have trauma" isn't an excuse, it's possibly an explanation. So if OP's spouse wants to claim a diagnosis, he simultaneously picks up responsibility for learning how to manage that diagnosis.

I've got CPTSD, a lifelong physical disability, and a few other letters to add to my name. None of those things is an excuse for me acting like a clown, and all of them mean I get extra responsibilities for managing myself so others don't have to, because I'm an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD.

According to whom? When was he diagnosed?

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself. H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

Do not enable this behavior. Your junkie husband seems to be playing you. He's taking stimulant meds for the high, and when the high normalizes, he's upping his dose. When that gets unmanageable, he's changing meds. That's not about the "ADHD", that's about the speed. You're gonna think I'm being mean until I tell you I know from experience. The "severe depression" is guilt and withdrawals.

Anonymous wrote:I’m at a loss on what to do.

No, you're not. And you're not a victim. Stop this.

Anonymous wrote:Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

Quit enabling mediocrity. Protect your kid, yes. But the adult is an adult. Make him adult. And if you have shared finances, cut him off. If not, make sure you're not listed as a co-signed on any of these debts he's taking out to subsidize his addiction(s).

Anonymous wrote:I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

Reasonable. Tell him that. It probably won't be enough for him to change, yet, but he needs to hear it. This isn't manly, it's barely boyish. Not sexy.

Anonymous wrote:He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Typical addict shit. Probably porn on there, too. If you pay for the plan, cancel it. He's at home all day. He doesn't need a cell phone because he's not going anywhere. Get him a land line if you're worried about him needing to make emergency calls. And change the wifi password while you're at it. If he wants to act like a child, treat him like one.

Anonymous wrote:Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

An addict is responsible for their addictions. Period. But this thing you're doing, where you're making excuses because he might "pick up his former addictions", oh honey... He's picked up six new ones: compulsive spending, compulsive shopping, compulsive overeating, stimulant addiction, phone/tech addiction and probably a porn addiction. You're not doing him any favors staying married "for his protection". You're enabling his bullshit.

If he's willing to spiral out into a deep do-nothing depression, he will. It's not your job to save him. Point out the obvious, don't be sucked into the manipulations, and keep yourself and your kids safe. You're responsible for you and your children, not him. Withdraw completely and let him crash, if that's what he's willing to do.

You might be surprised what he'll do when there no more you-as-safety-net to protect him from the consequences of his choices. And, to be clear, these are choices. He has agency. Let him adult.

OP. Thanks. You are right. He does try to manipulate with a lot of the “it’s a disease, if someone were throwing up you wouldn’t get upset with them for it!”

Sigh. Just disappointing. He’s put together a “plan” where he turns off his phone most of the day but I just don’t see how he’s going to stick to that.

Yeah, well, if someone was throwing up all over the place all day, every day, and puking on ME in particular, I'd expect them to get their ass to a doctor and figure out why and what could be done about it. So...

A better plan would be to give his phone to you and let you pick a password to lock it so he can't unlock it without a sane adult knowing why. That shows actual accountability. Turning it on and off is just a(nother) game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Okay, with love: You get to call it "trauma" if you're going to therapy and doing your work about it. "I have trauma" isn't an excuse, it's possibly an explanation. So if OP's spouse wants to claim a diagnosis, he simultaneously picks up responsibility for learning how to manage that diagnosis.

I've got CPTSD, a lifelong physical disability, and a few other letters to add to my name. None of those things is an excuse for me acting like a clown, and all of them mean I get extra responsibilities for managing myself so others don't have to, because I'm an adult.

Nobody said it was an excuse, but he doesn’t have a diagnosis and he probably doesn’t have the correct treatment.

You are lucky to have gotten the correct treatment because very few people do.

Men, especially are not going to admit they were abused as a child because they’re too tough to admit it. They don’t know why they’re spiraling out of control the same way women with daddy issues don’t really understand either.

It isn’t until they get a diagnosis and treatment that they can “act like an adult”.

I would think somebody with as much treatment as you would know that, but you don’t so you might want to check in with your therapist. Empathy lacking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

“CPTSD” is not in the DSM. I don’t doubt your DH has challenges but CPTSD is not a diagnosis. And of course if his parent had serious mental illness it is likely he does too, or a subclinical version.

Now it’s not. But…

In ICD-11, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is recognized as a distinct condition, separate from PTSD, and it includes three additional symptom clusters related to "disturbances in self-organization" (DSO): affect dysregulation, negative self-concept, and disturbances in relationships. These DSO symptoms are thought to result from prolonged or repetitive exposure to traumatic events, often involving interpersonal violence or abuse.

OP, Ask your H what happened in his childhood. His actions are classic C-PTSD.

It’s not a diagnosis used by US psychiatrists. But I guess the new internet trend is to say that jerk husbands have CPTSD instead of autism.

That’s because it’s not a psychiatric diagnosis. It’s a medical diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is not an answer if they have kids together. OP will be still tethered to him via kids and he can mess them up.

It would be cheaper to engage an interventionalist and get her husband committed than divorcing

Yes, he can. If they don’t divorce, he will.

It’s better to have a healthy parent and a healthy household 50% of the time. Plus, even if he gets some custody, he’ll be unable to manage the logistics and the kids will naturally end up spending time with the mom. My ex wasn’t able to handle more than once a week dinner at a restaurant, and that’s what his 50% boiled down to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Okay, with love: You get to call it "trauma" if you're going to therapy and doing your work about it. "I have trauma" isn't an excuse, it's possibly an explanation. So if OP's spouse wants to claim a diagnosis, he simultaneously picks up responsibility for learning how to manage that diagnosis.

I've got CPTSD, a lifelong physical disability, and a few other letters to add to my name. None of those things is an excuse for me acting like a clown, and all of them mean I get extra responsibilities for managing myself so others don't have to, because I'm an adult.

Nobody said it was an excuse, but he doesn’t have a diagnosis and he probably doesn’t have the correct treatment.

You are lucky to have gotten the correct treatment because very few people do.

Men, especially are not going to admit they were abused as a child because they’re too tough to admit it. They don’t know why they’re spiraling out of control the same way women with daddy issues don’t really understand either.

It isn’t until they get a diagnosis and treatment that they can “act like an adult”.

I would think somebody with as much treatment as you would know that, but you don’t so you might want to check in with your therapist. Empathy lacking

It’s not OP’s job to fix him. I won’t even go into your weird inference that he was abused as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Okay, with love: You get to call it "trauma" if you're going to therapy and doing your work about it. "I have trauma" isn't an excuse, it's possibly an explanation. So if OP's spouse wants to claim a diagnosis, he simultaneously picks up responsibility for learning how to manage that diagnosis.

I've got CPTSD, a lifelong physical disability, and a few other letters to add to my name. None of those things is an excuse for me acting like a clown, and all of them mean I get extra responsibilities for managing myself so others don't have to, because I'm an adult.

Nobody said it was an excuse, but he doesn’t have a diagnosis and he probably doesn’t have the correct treatment.

You are lucky to have gotten the correct treatment because very few people do.

Men, especially are not going to admit they were abused as a child because they’re too tough to admit it. They don’t know why they’re spiraling out of control the same way women with daddy issues don’t really understand either.

It isn’t until they get a diagnosis and treatment that they can “act like an adult”.

I would think somebody with as much treatment as you would know that, but you don’t so you might want to check in with your therapist. Empathy lacking

"Empathy lacking" simply because you assume I'm "lucky to have gotten the correct treatment"? No, sweetie, I'm tenacious af and I fought, hard, until I got the help I needed. I also got abused, by medical "professionals" (yes, plural) along the way. I just refused to let that stop me and fought through that trauma as well.

Your own empathy seems to be at issue here. Remove yourself from the business of a stranger and mind your own for a bit until you recalibrate, yeah?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Okay, with love: You get to call it "trauma" if you're going to therapy and doing your work about it. "I have trauma" isn't an excuse, it's possibly an explanation. So if OP's spouse wants to claim a diagnosis, he simultaneously picks up responsibility for learning how to manage that diagnosis.

I've got CPTSD, a lifelong physical disability, and a few other letters to add to my name. None of those things is an excuse for me acting like a clown, and all of them mean I get extra responsibilities for managing myself so others don't have to, because I'm an adult.

Nobody said it was an excuse, but he doesn’t have a diagnosis and he probably doesn’t have the correct treatment.

You are lucky to have gotten the correct treatment because very few people do.

Men, especially are not going to admit they were abused as a child because they’re too tough to admit it. They don’t know why they’re spiraling out of control the same way women with daddy issues don’t really understand either.

It isn’t until they get a diagnosis and treatment that they can “act like an adult”.

I would think somebody with as much treatment as you would know that, but you don’t so you might want to check in with your therapist. Empathy lacking

It’s not OP’s job to fix him. I won’t even go into your weird inference that he was abused as a child.

Yeah, this PP has... some issues they might want to work through with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Okay, with love: You get to call it "trauma" if you're going to therapy and doing your work about it. "I have trauma" isn't an excuse, it's possibly an explanation. So if OP's spouse wants to claim a diagnosis, he simultaneously picks up responsibility for learning how to manage that diagnosis.

I've got CPTSD, a lifelong physical disability, and a few other letters to add to my name. None of those things is an excuse for me acting like a clown, and all of them mean I get extra responsibilities for managing myself so others don't have to, because I'm an adult.

Wow. Trauma is not pie, honey.

[Anonymous]

This sounds so so much like what a friend is going through with her husband, with ADHD and depression, but what she found out was he had relapsed and was using drugs and alcohol again. There was a huge amount of shame plus the obvious impairment. If hw ever watches your child I would be very very concerned anon high alert your spouse has in fact relapsed (although I hope not!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

This is not clinically true. To actually be ADHD there are symptoms in childhood. It is not something that suddenly appears in adulthood.

PP you replied to. I am the spouse and mother of males with ADHD and autism. ***I've been through the wringer***. My husband was diagnosed when our son was diagnosed. Maybe today, teachers might warn clueless parents that their kid needs to be evaluated. But the middle-aged husbands of DCUM women? Most of them were categorized as distracted in school, probably, or troublemakers, or boys who didn't reach their full potential.

My point was that WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE BLAMED WHEN THEY REALIZE THAT THEIR HUSBANDS HAVE DIAGNOSES, OR SYMPTOMS THAT ARE GETTING WORSE. Just like men should not be blamed for their wives' diagnoses or symptoms later in life.

What I said is absolutely true. Young adults can keep it together well enough to get married and hope for a great life. And then some can't manage anymore with the mountain of stress, stimuli and executive function challenges that families, home-ownership and work responsibilities entail. So even if people marry in the full knowledge of a diagnosis, they probably never imagine how bad it might get!

So PPs, do better. Shame on you for always blaming the woman!

[Anonymous]

I have adhd and am a mom to a teen boy with adhd so I have a little perspective from two different sides.

Some of the most common antidepressants make adhd worse. I was on lexapro for a while and it make me so zoned out. I’ve heard Wellbutrin is better but I didn’t try it. So that’s one thing to consider.

I would tell him calmly that you need him to get more help for his medical condition. I would use a compliment sandwich and put that in the middle of some positive things about him. He should be in therapy to address his motivation and phone usage. You can’t be the one monitoring it. Even with my teen son that’s a disaster and feels emasculating to him and leads to so many fights. With a husband, this will be impossible. He needs to come up with a solution with his therapist. I would tell him you need an avenue to be able to update the therapist on issues so the therapist knows what to work on. This is how it works with teens in therapy — they won’t share info with me but I can share info with them. The therapist should know hr is locking himself in bedroom, for instance.

I don’t know if there’s a path forward here or not but he needs some assistance and self confidence to dig himself out of this hole.

I would be very specifical about things you need him to do. Before you ask him. Think — is this something we can live without (cleaning garage, buying in-laws Xmas presents) or something that really needs to be done (taking child to dentist). Use visual cues like a large family white board planner and tech clues like invites to his outlook calendar. If you can additional cues may be helpful-/ eg send a text in the morning with something llle “Thansk for taking Larla to dentist this afternoon! Hoping for no cavities!” Not nagging (so don’t say “please don’t forget to take larlo to dentist”) but subtle reminders. When you are resigning children, this is called scaffolding the skills. It might not be your job to do this scaffolding, but it should eventually make your life easier. It might help you to read a good book for adhd parenting like The ADHD book of lists, or A Family’s First Guide to ADHD. You can use some of the same skills scaffolding tricks.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Okay, with love: You get to call it "trauma" if you're going to therapy and doing your work about it. "I have trauma" isn't an excuse, it's possibly an explanation. So if OP's spouse wants to claim a diagnosis, he simultaneously picks up responsibility for learning how to manage that diagnosis.

I've got CPTSD, a lifelong physical disability, and a few other letters to add to my name. None of those things is an excuse for me acting like a clown, and all of them mean I get extra responsibilities for managing myself so others don't have to, because I'm an adult.

Nobody said it was an excuse, but he doesn’t have a diagnosis and he probably doesn’t have the correct treatment.

You are lucky to have gotten the correct treatment because very few people do.

Men, especially are not going to admit they were abused as a child because they’re too tough to admit it. They don’t know why they’re spiraling out of control the same way women with daddy issues don’t really understand either.

It isn’t until they get a diagnosis and treatment that they can “act like an adult”.

I would think somebody with as much treatment as you would know that, but you don’t so you might want to check in with your therapist. Empathy lacking

"Empathy lacking" simply because you assume I'm "lucky to have gotten the correct treatment"? No, sweetie, I'm tenacious af and I fought, hard, until I got the help I needed. I also got abused, by medical "professionals" (yes, plural) along the way. I just refused to let that stop me and fought through that trauma as well.

Your own empathy seems to be at issue here. Remove yourself from the business of a stranger and mind your own for a bit until you recalibrate, yeah?

Is your physical disability related to your obvious NPD by any chance?