H’s ADHD can’t be fixed. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

This is not clinically true. To actually be ADHD there are symptoms in childhood. It is not something that suddenly appears in adulthood.

PP you replied to. I am the spouse and mother of males with ADHD and autism. ***I've been through the wringer***. My husband was diagnosed when our son was diagnosed. Maybe today, teachers might warn clueless parents that their kid needs to be evaluated. But the middle-aged husbands of DCUM women? Most of them were categorized as distracted in school, probably, or troublemakers, or boys who didn't reach their full potential.

My point was that WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE BLAMED WHEN THEY REALIZE THAT THEIR HUSBANDS HAVE DIAGNOSES, OR SYMPTOMS THAT ARE GETTING WORSE. Just like men should not be blamed for their wives' diagnoses or symptoms later in life.

What I said is absolutely true. Young adults can keep it together well enough to get married and hope for a great life. And then some can't manage anymore with the mountain of stress, stimuli and executive function challenges that families, home-ownership and work responsibilities entail. So even if people marry in the full knowledge of a diagnosis, they probably never imagine how bad it might get!

So PPs, do better. Shame on you for always blaming the woman!

Shame on you for blaming the person with a disability (which they were likely completely unaware of) for their disability.

Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

I'm sure the OP is identical to your husband. Where did you get your medical degree?

Seriously, need to see a therapist yourself.

Because I don't get my kicks giving crap medical advice over the Internet? This thread is garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Okay, with love: You get to call it "trauma" if you're going to therapy and doing your work about it. "I have trauma" isn't an excuse, it's possibly an explanation. So if OP's spouse wants to claim a diagnosis, he simultaneously picks up responsibility for learning how to manage that diagnosis.

I've got CPTSD, a lifelong physical disability, and a few other letters to add to my name. None of those things is an excuse for me acting like a clown, and all of them mean I get extra responsibilities for managing myself so others don't have to, because I'm an adult.

Wait, is being a complete twat considered a lifelong physical disability now?

[Anonymous]

Sounds just like my husband. Had a come to Jesus t five years married and it got marginally better. We’re at 11 years now and divorcing and how I wish I had done it sooner. It is EXHAUSTING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD.

According to whom? When was he diagnosed?

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself. H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

Do not enable this behavior. Your junkie husband seems to be playing you. He's taking stimulant meds for the high, and when the high normalizes, he's upping his dose. When that gets unmanageable, he's changing meds. That's not about the "ADHD", that's about the speed. You're gonna think I'm being mean until I tell you I know from experience. The "severe depression" is guilt and withdrawals.

Anonymous wrote:I’m at a loss on what to do.

No, you're not. And you're not a victim. Stop this.

Anonymous wrote:Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

Quit enabling mediocrity. Protect your kid, yes. But the adult is an adult. Make him adult. And if you have shared finances, cut him off. If not, make sure you're not listed as a co-signed on any of these debts he's taking out to subsidize his addiction(s).

Anonymous wrote:I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

Reasonable. Tell him that. It probably won't be enough for him to change, yet, but he needs to hear it. This isn't manly, it's barely boyish. Not sexy.

Anonymous wrote:He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Typical addict shit. Probably porn on there, too. If you pay for the plan, cancel it. He's at home all day. He doesn't need a cell phone because he's not going anywhere. Get him a land line if you're worried about him needing to make emergency calls. And change the wifi password while you're at it. If he wants to act like a child, treat him like one.

Anonymous wrote:Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

An addict is responsible for their addictions. Period. But this thing you're doing, where you're making excuses because he might "pick up his former addictions", oh honey... He's picked up six new ones: compulsive spending, compulsive shopping, compulsive overeating, stimulant addiction, phone/tech addiction and probably a porn addiction. You're not doing him any favors staying married "for his protection". You're enabling his bullshit.

If he's willing to spiral out into a deep do-nothing depression, he will. It's not your job to save him. Point out the obvious, don't be sucked into the manipulations, and keep yourself and your kids safe. You're responsible for you and your children, not him. Withdraw completely and let him crash, if that's what he's willing to do.

You might be surprised what he'll do when there no more you-as-safety-net to protect him from the consequences of his choices. And, to be clear, these are choices. He has agency. Let him adult.

This 100%, OP! Read it word-for-word over and over until you believe it. NP who is rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself.

H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

I’m at a loss on what to do. Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

Troll rehash OP. She posted several soaps all at the same time with various BTDT topics.

Lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

This is hardly worth the energy to respond, but here goes. PEOPLE CHANGE. THINGS CHANGE.

In the last 14 years since I met my DH, my career has advanced significantly so I’m working on a greater diversity of projects and they are more complex. I also mentor the junior staff in my division so it is necessary for me to mentally track the work of other professionals as well. I’ve gone from renting a one bedroom apartment to owning (with my spouse) a 100 year old row house, which, though under 2000 sf, is still 4 times the size of the apartment we shared when we got married. We now have 2 kids and a dog. My parents, who live hundreds of miles away, are in their 80s now and in and out of hospitals, which means a couple of emergency trips per year to help. I have a painful chronic knee condition. I’m supporting, as I can, close friends dealing with major health challenges - brain tumor, heart attack, cancer, debilitating depression.

I’m intelligent and neurotypical, I have good coping skills, I don’t have a mental illness, and I am stretched way beyond my own capacity for executive functioning, because life is a lot right now, way more than it was when I met DH and when we got married.

For people who already struggle with executive functioning, normal changes in circumstances as life advances are exceptionally challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

This is hardly worth the energy to respond, but here goes. PEOPLE CHANGE. THINGS CHANGE.

In the last 14 years since I met my DH, my career has advanced significantly so I’m working on a greater diversity of projects and they are more complex. I also mentor the junior staff in my division so it is necessary for me to mentally track the work of other professionals as well. I’ve gone from renting a one bedroom apartment to owning (with my spouse) a 100 year old row house, which, though under 2000 sf, is still 4 times the size of the apartment we shared when we got married. We now have 2 kids and a dog. My parents, who live hundreds of miles away, are in their 80s now and in and out of hospitals, which means a couple of emergency trips per year to help. I have a painful chronic knee condition. I’m supporting, as I can, close friends dealing with major health challenges - brain tumor, heart attack, cancer, debilitating depression.

I’m intelligent and neurotypical, I have good coping skills, I don’t have a mental illness, and I am stretched way beyond my own capacity for executive functioning, because life is a lot right now, way more than it was when I met DH and when we got married.

For people who already struggle with executive functioning, normal changes in circumstances as life advances are exceptionally challenging.

I believe you. I’ll bet a lot of these husbands’ friends are constantly asking them “well, didn’t you notice what an insufferable, controlling B she was when you married her?” Totally unfair to blame the victim when the spouse changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

I'm sure the OP is identical to your husband. Where did you get your medical degree?

Seriously, need to see a therapist yourself.

Because I don't get my kicks giving crap medical advice over the Internet? This thread is garbage.

But you gave crap medical advice you psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Okay, with love: You get to call it "trauma" if you're going to therapy and doing your work about it. "I have trauma" isn't an excuse, it's possibly an explanation. So if OP's spouse wants to claim a diagnosis, he simultaneously picks up responsibility for learning how to manage that diagnosis.

I've got CPTSD, a lifelong physical disability, and a few other letters to add to my name. None of those things is an excuse for me acting like a clown, and all of them mean I get extra responsibilities for managing myself so others don't have to, because I'm an adult.

Nobody said it was an excuse, but he doesn’t have a diagnosis and he probably doesn’t have the correct treatment.

You are lucky to have gotten the correct treatment because very few people do.

Men, especially are not going to admit they were abused as a child because they’re too tough to admit it. They don’t know why they’re spiraling out of control the same way women with daddy issues don’t really understand either.

It isn’t until they get a diagnosis and treatment that they can “act like an adult”.

I would think somebody with as much treatment as you would know that, but you don’t so you might want to check in with your therapist. Empathy lacking

"Empathy lacking" simply because you assume I'm "lucky to have gotten the correct treatment"? No, sweetie, I'm tenacious af and I fought, hard, until I got the help I needed. I also got abused, by medical "professionals" (yes, plural) along the way. I just refused to let that stop me and fought through that trauma as well.

Your own empathy seems to be at issue here. Remove yourself from the business of a stranger and mind your own for a bit until you recalibrate, yeah?

Is your physical disability related to your obvious NPD by any chance?

Way to prove pp's point about your lack of empathy, and add arrogance and more assumptions on top. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

This is not clinically true. To actually be ADHD there are symptoms in childhood. It is not something that suddenly appears in adulthood.

PP you replied to. I am the spouse and mother of males with ADHD and autism. ***I've been through the wringer***. My husband was diagnosed when our son was diagnosed. Maybe today, teachers might warn clueless parents that their kid needs to be evaluated. But the middle-aged husbands of DCUM women? Most of them were categorized as distracted in school, probably, or troublemakers, or boys who didn't reach their full potential.

My point was that WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE BLAMED WHEN THEY REALIZE THAT THEIR HUSBANDS HAVE DIAGNOSES, OR SYMPTOMS THAT ARE GETTING WORSE. Just like men should not be blamed for their wives' diagnoses or symptoms later in life.

What I said is absolutely true. Young adults can keep it together well enough to get married and hope for a great life. And then some can't manage anymore with the mountain of stress, stimuli and executive function challenges that families, home-ownership and work responsibilities entail. So even if people marry in the full knowledge of a diagnosis, they probably never imagine how bad it might get!

So PPs, do better. Shame on you for always blaming the woman!

Shame on you for blaming the person with a disability (which they were likely completely unaware of) for their disability.

Do better.

You need to get over this 'disability = AH pass' nonlogic you keep trying to use. It's not "blaming the person with a disability" to point out that, disability or no, he's still responsible for his behavior and choices. You keep attacking people on the thread for saying some variation of that, as if having a disability means you can't be held accountable for what you choose to do. If you're so disabled you can't make choices, maybe, but that's not what's going on with OP's spouse. Dude is making a ton of shite choices, and he's responsible for the fallout. If he's concerned he may have a disability, it's his responsibility to seek treatment and work on himself/his life. It's not his wife's job to mother him through adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

This is hardly worth the energy to respond, but here goes. PEOPLE CHANGE. THINGS CHANGE.

In the last 14 years since I met my DH, my career has advanced significantly so I’m working on a greater diversity of projects and they are more complex. I also mentor the junior staff in my division so it is necessary for me to mentally track the work of other professionals as well. I’ve gone from renting a one bedroom apartment to owning (with my spouse) a 100 year old row house, which, though under 2000 sf, is still 4 times the size of the apartment we shared when we got married. We now have 2 kids and a dog. My parents, who live hundreds of miles away, are in their 80s now and in and out of hospitals, which means a couple of emergency trips per year to help. I have a painful chronic knee condition. I’m supporting, as I can, close friends dealing with major health challenges - brain tumor, heart attack, cancer, debilitating depression.

I’m intelligent and neurotypical, I have good coping skills, I don’t have a mental illness, and I am stretched way beyond my own capacity for executive functioning, because life is a lot right now, way more than it was when I met DH and when we got married.

For people who already struggle with executive functioning, normal changes in circumstances as life advances are exceptionally challenging.

I get your point, and I agree that people change as things change, but core values aren't that malleable. If you're not an honest person, if you have a hot temper, if you're lazy/slack, these things are evident, at some level, even before the excrement hits the a/c and it becomes an issue. ADHD doesn't just go from invisible to debilitating in adults. Undiagnosed, maybe. Exacerbated by stressors, sure. But there were patterns all along.

I didn't get a few of my diagnoses until adulthood, at which point they were explanations for behaviors and patterns I'd had all along. ADHD isn't like cancer; it doesn't show up as a total surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

This is not clinically true. To actually be ADHD there are symptoms in childhood. It is not something that suddenly appears in adulthood.

PP you replied to. I am the spouse and mother of males with ADHD and autism. ***I've been through the wringer***. My husband was diagnosed when our son was diagnosed. Maybe today, teachers might warn clueless parents that their kid needs to be evaluated. But the middle-aged husbands of DCUM women? Most of them were categorized as distracted in school, probably, or troublemakers, or boys who didn't reach their full potential.

My point was that WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE BLAMED WHEN THEY REALIZE THAT THEIR HUSBANDS HAVE DIAGNOSES, OR SYMPTOMS THAT ARE GETTING WORSE. Just like men should not be blamed for their wives' diagnoses or symptoms later in life.

What I said is absolutely true. Young adults can keep it together well enough to get married and hope for a great life. And then some can't manage anymore with the mountain of stress, stimuli and executive function challenges that families, home-ownership and work responsibilities entail. So even if people marry in the full knowledge of a diagnosis, they probably never imagine how bad it might get!

So PPs, do better. Shame on you for always blaming the woman!

Shame on you for blaming the person with a disability (which they were likely completely unaware of) for their disability.

Do better.

You need to get over this 'disability = AH pass' nonlogic you keep trying to use. It's not "blaming the person with a disability" to point out that, disability or no, he's still responsible for his behavior and choices. You keep attacking people on the thread for saying some variation of that, as if having a disability means you can't be held accountable for what you choose to do. If you're so disabled you can't make choices, maybe, but that's not what's going on with OP's spouse. Dude is making a ton of shite choices, and he's responsible for the fallout. If he's concerned he may have a disability, it's his responsibility to seek treatment and work on himself/his life. It's not his wife's job to mother him through adulthood.

There are multiple people posting on this thread. You also can’t seem to read. OP’s husband has sought treatment- it’s right there in the very first post.

Sorry, you don’t get a pass for being stupid but spouting off with your idiotic opinion anyway. Put you cap on and go sit in the corner where you belong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: you need a serious conversation with him. Is he concerned at all about divorce, and not having anyone at all supporting him like you do now? If that's the case, you can tell him that your patience is not unlimited. And if he doesn't seek treatment, you will start a trial separation. Don't mention a divorce. He needs to attend a PHP (partial hospitalization) program, maybe even residential treatment (dual diagnosis mental health and substance abuse). Trust me this can be life changing! My ASD son was struggling first year in college and we requested that he attended the PHP program.

Also, some addiction centers offer inverventionalist services: it's a licensed professional who comes to your home, calms the patient down with injections and transport them to a respective center. It costs about $7k, but this is what relatives would do for their loved ones to get them needed treatment.

Depression is a life threatening condition, and divorce won't help in your situation and he will most likely get some custody and can completely mess up or harm your child.

Umm what planet are you on that you can drug an adult and get them committed to a hospital? That is not how it works

I was offered that in Indiana some states allow the service if a psychiatrist is present. It’s not a forceful removal or detention. But rather a session certified specialist and the loved ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: you need a serious conversation with him. Is he concerned at all about divorce, and not having anyone at all supporting him like you do now? If that's the case, you can tell him that your patience is not unlimited. And if he doesn't seek treatment, you will start a trial separation. Don't mention a divorce. He needs to attend a PHP (partial hospitalization) program, maybe even residential treatment (dual diagnosis mental health and substance abuse). Trust me this can be life changing! My ASD son was struggling first year in college and we requested that he attended the PHP program.

Also, some addiction centers offer inverventionalist services: it's a licensed professional who comes to your home, calms the patient down with injections and transport them to a respective center. It costs about $7k, but this is what relatives would do for their loved ones to get them needed treatment.

Depression is a life threatening condition, and divorce won't help in your situation and he will most likely get some custody and can completely mess up or harm your child.

Umm what planet are you on that you can drug an adult and get them committed to a hospital? That is not how it works

I was offered that in Indiana some states allow the service if a psychiatrist is present. It’s not a forceful removal or detention. But rather a session certified specialist and the loved ones.

Well you were either offered that by a criminal or you were misunderstanding what was going on. On no planet is it legal to sedate an adult in a non-emergency setting and commit him to a mental hospital without legal process.