H’s ADHD can’t be fixed. Now what?

[Anonymous]

OP: you need a serious conversation with him. Is he concerned at all about divorce, and not having anyone at all supporting him like you do now? If that's the case, you can tell him that your patience is not unlimited. And if he doesn't seek treatment, you will start a trial separation. Don't mention a divorce. He needs to attend a PHP (partial hospitalization) program, maybe even residential treatment (dual diagnosis mental health and substance abuse). Trust me this can be life changing! My ASD son was struggling first year in college and we requested that he attended the PHP program.

Also, some addiction centers offer inverventionalist services: it's a licensed professional who comes to your home, calms the patient down with injections and transport them to a respective center. It costs about $7k, but this is what relatives would do for their loved ones to get them needed treatment.

Depression is a life threatening condition, and divorce won't help in your situation and he will most likely get some custody and can completely mess up or harm your child.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH is quite similar to yours. Fortunately work is the thing he’s addicted to and has an intense job that he uses to chase dopamine. Thank god for that.

DH was diagnosed with ADHD, depression and sleep apnea after our first and only child was born. He also got a full neuropsych- I’ve posted about it before- because his symptoms and behavior were so crazy that both the doctor and I had concerns about early dementia, which runs in his family. He was then diagnosed with ASD.

All of these diagnoses made absolute sense to him and to me, but it doesn’t mean that DH has taken responsibility for them. Sometimes he throws a tantrum and even says they’re not real, and will go off his meds and cpap for a few days, weeks or months.

In the process of getting DH help, stories about his family (who live overseas and who we see rarely) and childhood came out. And it was messed up. He has a ton of hidden mental illness (literally people living in basements or in inpatient but everyone pretends they’re on work trips or visiting relatives) in his family that I didn’t know about until well after our marriage. Having his own struggles and having grown up in a family where mental health challenges were pervasive and pretended away was super destructive. I’m sure your DH has similar hidden stories.

One kid is a good rule.
Have your own money.
Make your own life as straightforward as possible.
Have your own friends because god knows you are going to need them.

[Anonymous]

Why are you staying with him? I'd be gathering evidence as to why he shouldn't get custody (seems like there is plenty) and be planning my exit. No way is this an environment to be raising a kid in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself.

H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

I’m at a loss on what to do. Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

Divorce him for his own sake. I would bet serious money that your obvious disdain for him is making it worse.

[Anonymous]

There is a counselor in Canada that has a very interesting approach to management of ADHD- Jenna Free. Has podcasts, website, and Instagram accounts on steps to take. The issue is difficulty regulating emotions- ADHD people are often in fight or flight (freeze or fawn). Russell Barkley, well- known ADHD expert thinks emotional regulation problems are critical and missing element in the criteria for diagnosing ADHD. Anyway, she believes executive function is treating the symptoms and the person needs to address their difficulties in regulating their emotions to really get to the root of the problem and solve this long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself.

H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

I’m at a loss on what to do. Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

Divorce him, ditch him, take the kids, and move on with your life. Done and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself.

H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

I’m at a loss on what to do. Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

Divorce him, ditch him, take the kids, and move on with your life. Done and done.

+1. Divorce is the answer.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is not an answer if they have kids together. OP will be still tethered to him via kids and he can mess them up.

It would be cheaper to engage an interventionalist and get her husband committed than divorcing

[Anonymous]

A lot of people are finding their symptoms go away with a keto or carnivore diet. It's worth a try since everything else has failed. Please read the book Brain Energy by Dr. Chris Palmer or find a podcast where he explains his book

[Anonymous]

https://www.shortform.com/podcast/episode/the-mel-robbins-podcast-2024-01-25-episode-summary-the-truth-about-adhd-in-adults-harvards-dr-chris-palmer-explains-the-research

[Anonymous]

Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

[Anonymous]

Imagine if it was the DH who was contemplating divorcing his ADHD wife. This thread would be on page 100 with women and after women insulting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

Complex PTSD absolutely causes this type of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

So much crap armchair diagnosing from people who got their PhD in psychology from Trump University. OP, if she's not a troll, should understand that this is not "ADHD that cannot be fixed" but most likely a mix of mental conditions--which are not being effectively treated with ADHD medication

It’s funny you ignore the most likely explanation and then go on to give your own garbage opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

I'm sure the OP is identical to your husband. Where did you get your medical degree?

Seriously, need to see a therapist yourself.