H’s ADHD can’t be fixed. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a counselor in Canada that has a very interesting approach to management of ADHD- Jenna Free. Has podcasts, website, and Instagram accounts on steps to take. The issue is difficulty regulating emotions- ADHD people are often in fight or flight (freeze or fawn). Russell Barkley, well- known ADHD expert thinks emotional regulation problems are critical and missing element in the criteria for diagnosing ADHD. Anyway, she believes executive function is treating the symptoms and the person needs to address their difficulties in regulating their emotions to really get to the root of the problem and solve this long term.

I have a child with pretty severe ADHD, and this makes no sense. Their emotions are largely fine, and they have none of the emotional regulation issues that you allude to or the depression that OP's husband has. They are very aloof, daydreaming instead of being present during conversations and in school, and have almost no executive functioning skills due to their inattentiveness. They require medication and structure to manage their day. It's possible that if we don't address this issue, they might end up depressed as an adult because they can't live independently; however, the root of their problem is inattentiveness, not emotional regulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

“CPTSD” is not in the DSM. I don’t doubt your DH has challenges but CPTSD is not a diagnosis. And of course if his parent had serious mental illness it is likely he does too, or a subclinical version.

Now it’s not. But…

In ICD-11, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is recognized as a distinct condition, separate from PTSD, and it includes three additional symptom clusters related to "disturbances in self-organization" (DSO): affect dysregulation, negative self-concept, and disturbances in relationships. These DSO symptoms are thought to result from prolonged or repetitive exposure to traumatic events, often involving interpersonal violence or abuse.

OP, Ask your H what happened in his childhood. His actions are classic C-PTSD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband and son have inattentive ADHD and autism.

It's been a hard road, because they are pretty asocial and forget/miss a lot of deliverables and deadlines. My husband has been let go several times. What saves them is that they both have high IQs and in their field of work (or my son's field of study), they are very good. So *some* employers are willing to turn a blind eye to the executive dysfunction, in order to get the quality of analysis and critical reasoning. However, under stress, my husband can have outbursts of anger that are entirely disproportional to the event. Throwing a phone is entirely compatible with that sort of personality.

I've developed a panic attack disorder, but I recognize it's not solely due to the stress of living with these two people. I was already anxious to begin with. You need to develop mechanisms to cope with anxiety and stress, OP, because your health is paramount!

It seems like your husband has depression. He needs to be medicated for that. Please consider a divorce very carefully, because he might still get custody, and this is something to avoid at all costs. I thought many times about divorce, and custody issues were the main reason I chose not to. My husband has multiple terminal degrees, looks very good on paper, and knows to appear like a calm, soft-spoken person to the right officials.

Best of luck, OP. You need to gird yourself for the long-term. This is not going to resolve itself any time soon.

OP. Thank you for this. Yes, he is depressed and is on medication for that. Unfortunately that also doesn’t seem to help.

He is also someone who knows how to charm. To everyone else, he’s an extremely nice and attentive guy.

Classic C-PTSD

Look into DBT therapy and a therapist who specializes in trauma and EMDR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be there for your children first. I left someone who was masking ASD for years. Then it spiraled out of control and he is no more. Life is so much better for all of us now, even his family.
It wasn't my duty to help him. His huge family didn't and couldn't help him. My duty is to my kids.

That is one cold way to refer to an ex committing suicide, but I get it. I have a BPD sibling and you can’t live life for them.

OP you have a tricky case where divorce means he may have sole custody of the kids for stretches of time… thst could end badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

NP. What is this supposed to mean? Do better at what? Noticing how your spouse gets progressively less functional as you add more burdens to your life together? And maybe stop piling on BEFORE their life falls apart and then blaming THEM for it?

[Anonymous]

Co-parenting is extremely hard with an ADHD ex, OP. Mine demanded 50/50 parenting rights, father's rights, and so on, but dropped the ball repeatedly. Our kid was left at school and activities because ex forgot to pick them up on multiple occasions. Last fall, as a tween, they went to watch a high school football game with friends - dad was supposed to pick them up and spaced it out. The entire field had cleared before our kid finally called me, and I found them hiding under the bleachers in case any cops found them, they didn't want to get their dad in trouble. It was heartbreaking. Kid once took a train to a suburb an hour away from dad's house with no money and had to find a security guard to call me for help - I brought them home to my house, and ex didn't realize they were missing until about 9 pm. Some days, our kid would miss school because ex just didn't feel like driving them, and they felt school was a waste of time, anyway. Kid didn't brush his teeth or shower at their dad's house for a long time. I kept a few spare pairs of clean clothes and a toothbrush for them with their classroom teacher in case they needed to change. Forget having a dating life or moving on - you have to be available 24/7 to save your child from your ex. Finally, my ex met a foreign woman and moved out of the country with her, so at least the worst of it is behind us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is not an answer if they have kids together. OP will be still tethered to him via kids and he can mess them up.

It would be cheaper to engage an interventionalist and get her husband committed than divorcing

lol. Someone capable of getting their spouse committed for being a d*ck is certainly able to exaggerate or fake their abuse and get sole custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: you need a serious conversation with him. Is he concerned at all about divorce, and not having anyone at all supporting him like you do now? If that's the case, you can tell him that your patience is not unlimited. And if he doesn't seek treatment, you will start a trial separation. Don't mention a divorce. He needs to attend a PHP (partial hospitalization) program, maybe even residential treatment (dual diagnosis mental health and substance abuse). Trust me this can be life changing! My ASD son was struggling first year in college and we requested that he attended the PHP program.

Also, some addiction centers offer inverventionalist services: it's a licensed professional who comes to your home, calms the patient down with injections and transport them to a respective center. It costs about $7k, but this is what relatives would do for their loved ones to get them needed treatment.

Depression is a life threatening condition, and divorce won't help in your situation and he will most likely get some custody and can completely mess up or harm your child.

Umm what planet are you on that you can drug an adult and get them committed to a hospital? That is not how it works

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

Complex PTSD absolutely causes this type of behavior.

CPTSD is an internet diagnosis not a DSM diagnosis. An actual psychiatrist would look for personality disorder, substance abuse, bipolar, OCD, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

This is not clinically true. To actually be ADHD there are symptoms in childhood. It is not something that suddenly appears in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

This is not clinically true. To actually be ADHD there are symptoms in childhood. It is not something that suddenly appears in adulthood.

NP and what usually happens in these cases is that through HS the kids with undiagnosed ADHD have extremely supportive parents (usually their mom) and a family that unconsciously supports the kid’s executive functioning and attention deficits by saying things like kids shouldn’t do chores, and kids should focus on academics. College is great for some kids with ADHD because things like food are taken care of by dorm living, many people are messy so a disaster of a room doesn’t matter, and if they choose their courses wisely they can focus on one area that really stimulates them and go to class during times of day that work for them. First jobs are often also quite successful because when you’re low on the totem pole, a job is either rote and straightforward, or it’s very varied and with long hours that make it hard to fall off track because you’re responsible for working and sleeping.

My DH got to his late 20s before he realized that not everyone’s brain worked like his and not everyone struggled with the basics. Thank goodness he got tested for ADHD before we had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very sad, I’m so sorry. Are you sure this is just ADHD? It sounds like he’s doing all of the things and still cannot function. How long is he usually able to hold down a job? Is he working from home (if he’s in bed all day)?Does he have any insight or emotional intelligence? Social skills?

At this point I wouldn’t think of him as a child, but as a person with a disability you are caring for. Perhaps focus on his strengths, and the way he CAN contribute, and just let go of any other expectations. I would feel differently if he hadn’t tried everything, as you describe; it’s intractable.

This. How would you feel if your spouse thought you were worthless and kept trying to "fix" you because of a problem you were born with that is disabling, life limiting and unfixable. People with ADHD suffer A LOT their lives are like treadmills of futility every single day.

X100 I would be heartbroken if my DH stopped having sex with me and was trying to fix me. OP you are definitely making it worse. The more DH cheers me on the better. I have so much self-loathing I don’t need more, and it sounds like your DH does too. Hugs to you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very sad, I’m so sorry. Are you sure this is just ADHD? It sounds like he’s doing all of the things and still cannot function. How long is he usually able to hold down a job? Is he working from home (if he’s in bed all day)?Does he have any insight or emotional intelligence? Social skills?

At this point I wouldn’t think of him as a child, but as a person with a disability you are caring for. Perhaps focus on his strengths, and the way he CAN contribute, and just let go of any other expectations. I would feel differently if he hadn’t tried everything, as you describe; it’s intractable.

This. How would you feel if your spouse thought you were worthless and kept trying to "fix" you because of a problem you were born with that is disabling, life limiting and unfixable. People with ADHD suffer A LOT their lives are like treadmills of futility every single day.

X100 I would be heartbroken if my DH stopped having sex with me and was trying to fix me. OP you are definitely making it worse. The more DH cheers me on the better. I have so much self-loathing I don’t need more, and it sounds like your DH does too. Hugs to you both.

OP. I just can’t. If he loses his job, I now need to find a way to bring in at least another $80k a year. If I don’t make sure he’s fed, he gets sick. He spends every free moment in bed and on his phone.

I didn’t sign up for this. It’s too stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

“CPTSD” is not in the DSM. I don’t doubt your DH has challenges but CPTSD is not a diagnosis. And of course if his parent had serious mental illness it is likely he does too, or a subclinical version.

Now it’s not. But…

In ICD-11, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is recognized as a distinct condition, separate from PTSD, and it includes three additional symptom clusters related to "disturbances in self-organization" (DSO): affect dysregulation, negative self-concept, and disturbances in relationships. These DSO symptoms are thought to result from prolonged or repetitive exposure to traumatic events, often involving interpersonal violence or abuse.

OP, Ask your H what happened in his childhood. His actions are classic C-PTSD.

It’s not a diagnosis used by US psychiatrists. But I guess the new internet trend is to say that jerk husbands have CPTSD instead of autism.