Betrayal trauma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg PP I was the same way with my intuition! So much so that I asked point blank questions that looming back were spot on. And I would randomly cry all the time and feel angst in my body. But he lied so much that it wasn’t until I had evidence that I could actually resize I was right all along and not crazy.

Op: Yes! As soon as I found the evidence all the anxiety and spiraling thoughts just stopped for a while and I felt so relieved that I wasn’t going crazy. Now that some time has passed I’m back to the angst but it’s different in that it’s converting to anger.
This weeks set of horrible thoughts is just me thinking about how someone who said they love me could treat me with such contempt for so f$&king long! I feel like I don’t even know them, like what type of person could pull off such disciplined cruelty? It’s like they should’ve been wearing a brown uniform with two lightning bolts on the collar.

Maybe ask yourself if they have a reason to hate you?

Have you ever betrayed them, lied to them, mistreated them? Any reason why they might feel like this was deserved?

I'm not saying it is but if they indeed did an about face and went from loving you to not, things like that do not come out of the blue.

Not OP. Oh shut the f”k up.

They feel like it’s deserves because they are entitled and selfish, and often have mental issues or dysfunctional backgrounds.

NP. OP is the woman, the cheater is her husband, so feel free to refer to him as "him" instead of "they".

[Anonymous]

OP, I consider my husband's cheating the biggest tragedy of my life. I thought we had a beautiful relationship and were best friends. Suddenly all the trust, friendship and intimacy was gone. Our kid was only three years old, and I didn't want to divorce. This was ten years ago.

It took me two years to come to terms with the new situation.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

My husband was a closeted gay man and lied to me for almost 20 years which was such a betrayal to get over but at the same time he made me comfortable and tried to be a loving spouse even while cheating and lying about things for a decade. When I went to a betrayal trauma group I found much worse stories. Stories about people who had moved their spouse and children to live near the affair partner, had kids with their affair partner in secret, had transferred money to the affair partner or used thousands to hook up with others. Once you realize betrayal is much larger than you thought existed in society and people can be more corrupt than you ever thought, you just sort of get over it and figure out what you need to do in your life to improve it. Once I realized how much cheating and options people had to cheat, I just decided there was no way I would have ever put that much into my marriage and time would be better spent working on me than worrying about how I could have saved the marriage or what any of these cheater types are looking for from someone. It's more than I can give, that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

Makes perfect sense. I’m about a year from D. Day. He admitted it when I found evidence but I had spent the previous year (during his affair) constantly sick and feeling alone which I attributed to major work stress he was enduring. It was awful and then the discovery. We are together and have worked extremely hard in counseling etc.

Just now I can say it’s getting easier. I still think about it every day. But not every hour. I still have dreams. TV /movies can be very hard. Big life events like our child graduating get to me as in how could you risk so much for so little. Married 22 years. Didn’t know there were any major issues … and yes we were fine sexually.

I get the your analogy. It’s awful to have the person you love and trusted the most, built a life and family with - completely betray you. It’s awful that the person I’d go to for comfort and understanding is the person that did this to you. It’s messed up on many levels and really plays with your mind, heart and body.

My advice- don’t keep anything in. Rage when you need to , ask questions over and over if you need to, get space when needed , be clear on your needs - for me, I went from being a confident independent woman yo needing a lot of self esteem bolstering and assurance - the best thing my husband can say is I’m here and I’m not going anywhere I love you and I’ll never forgive myself for doing this to you etc I need to hear true remorse and understanding of the excruciating pain he’s put me through.

For me, comparison has been an issue. Why her etc? She is very very different than me but maybe that was the point.

I have very good friends I’ve leaned on and am so thankful for

I also made this past year all about me for once. Travelled, exercised, bought new clothes, walked a ton, got really healthy, and I’m finally back to feeling good about myself

My marriage is good. Better than it has been for a very long time. We are optimistic and excited for our future. I hope the same for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

Makes perfect sense. I’m about a year from D. Day. He admitted it when I found evidence but I had spent the previous year (during his affair) constantly sick and feeling alone which I attributed to major work stress he was enduring. It was awful and then the discovery. We are together and have worked extremely hard in counseling etc.

Just now I can say it’s getting easier. I still think about it every day. But not every hour. I still have dreams. TV /movies can be very hard. Big life events like our child graduating get to me as in how could you risk so much for so little. Married 22 years. Didn’t know there were any major issues … and yes we were fine sexually.

I get the your analogy. It’s awful to have the person you love and trusted the most, built a life and family with - completely betray you. It’s awful that the person I’d go to for comfort and understanding is the person that did this to you. It’s messed up on many levels and really plays with your mind, heart and body.

My advice- don’t keep anything in. Rage when you need to , ask questions over and over if you need to, get space when needed , be clear on your needs - for me, I went from being a confident independent woman yo needing a lot of self esteem bolstering and assurance - the best thing my husband can say is I’m here and I’m not going anywhere I love you and I’ll never forgive myself for doing this to you etc I need to hear true remorse and understanding of the excruciating pain he’s put me through.

For me, comparison has been an issue. Why her etc? She is very very different than me but maybe that was the point.

I have very good friends I’ve leaned on and am so thankful for

I also made this past year all about me for once. Travelled, exercised, bought new clothes, walked a ton, got really healthy, and I’m finally back to feeling good about myself

My marriage is good. Better than it has been for a very long time. We are optimistic and excited for our future. I hope the same for you

I have many questions but I really don’t want the answers, my imagination has done more than enough backfilling and anything more I could learn is just going to make it worse.
I treat what my spouse had with someone else sort of like I would treat anyone I was seeing, sure I could know if they were seeing someone for a year before me or whatever but I don’t want to know about that time they had sex on a hotel balcony, it’s not necessary, I wasn’t part of it and it could only lead to comparison.

I completely understand the crime but the cover-up may be unforgivable.

My tolerance for any sort of poor behavior is now zero and it’s called out instantly without fear of reprisal, this is either going to be as perfect as a relationship can get or I’ll burn the entire thing down. And you’re right, every single TV show is about cheating, it’s constant and I never noticed it before.

We’ve been sleeping together pretty regularly now and it’s different, sometimes it’s really connected, sometimes it could be anyone and there’s no exchange, sometimes it’s angry but it’s really nice when everything is forgotten for just a little while and the sex hangover that might last for a few hours or maybe a day is an incredible relief.

Spouse is working hard, being honest in therapy and has shown some real remorse. Life is far better than it was from the time it was going on and definitely since discovery, I don’t feel crazy and the anxiety attacks aren’t happening all day long anymore, I think we’re going to get through, but if we don’t I know exactly which one of their friends I’m going to sleep with.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your reply, I very much appreciate it. What is worse is that I gave my whole self to my husband, of 36 years, fulfilling all his fantasies even though I didn't want to. I was told it was normal and I felt pressured and I basically disconnected and complied.
I am very ashamed of myself. Porn was a big thing too. If I didn't want to watch it he got upset making me think I was not normal and I gave in. Then about 2019 he started going out, lying about working and being with friends and then I found out. Its been a terrible 4 years for me. I am still here with him. I stopped working and life in 2021. I was hospitalized in a psych unit in 2021 then have been isolating myself at home. Its awful. I have been so traumatized. Yet....he thinks I should put it all in the past...but my mind can't and I am very unhappy and scared and lonely. My life outside of home was wonderful, I taught Kindergarten and had an amazing group of friends who supported me and held me up every day at school, until I broke down and couldn't return to something I loved and fulfilled me. I'm just very sad. Thank you for listening. I am happy I came upon this site.

[Anonymous]

Hello, I am trying to register with the website and am having trouble. The error says my email is invalid. Any help is appreciated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello, I am trying to register with the website and am having trouble. The error says my email is invalid. Any help is appreciated!

Almost everyone who posts on this site does so anonymously. You don’t have to register. If you’re having a problem, the moderator will see your post if you post it on the Website Feedback forum instead of this one.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your help! I like anonymous! I am wondering how to respond to others. Do we just quote the message first? Sorry, new to this!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your reply, I very much appreciate it. What is worse is that I gave my whole self to my husband, of 36 years, fulfilling all his fantasies even though I didn't want to. I was told it was normal and I felt pressured and I basically disconnected and complied.
I am very ashamed of myself. Porn was a big thing too. If I didn't want to watch it he got upset making me think I was not normal and I gave in. Then about 2019 he started going out, lying about working and being with friends and then I found out. Its been a terrible 4 years for me. I am still here with him. I stopped working and life in 2021. I was hospitalized in a psych unit in 2021 then have been isolating myself at home. Its awful. I have been so traumatized. Yet....he thinks I should put it all in the past...but my mind can't and I am very unhappy and scared and lonely. My life outside of home was wonderful, I taught Kindergarten and had an amazing group of friends who supported me and held me up every day at school, until I broke down and couldn't return to something I loved and fulfilled me. I'm just very sad. Thank you for listening. I am happy I came upon this site.

I’m sorry to hear that you had such a rough time but I am glad that you have a great group of friends that you mention in your last post. People that care for you are pretty much the greatest gift in the world.
This is your year, turnaround 24!

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

Makes perfect sense. I’m about a year from D. Day. He admitted it when I found evidence but I had spent the previous year (during his affair) constantly sick and feeling alone which I attributed to major work stress he was enduring. It was awful and then the discovery. We are together and have worked extremely hard in counseling etc.

Just now I can say it’s getting easier. I still think about it every day. But not every hour. I still have dreams. TV /movies can be very hard. Big life events like our child graduating get to me as in how could you risk so much for so little. Married 22 years. Didn’t know there were any major issues … and yes we were fine sexually.

I get the your analogy. It’s awful to have the person you love and trusted the most, built a life and family with - completely betray you. It’s awful that the person I’d go to for comfort and understanding is the person that did this to you. It’s messed up on many levels and really plays with your mind, heart and body.

My advice- don’t keep anything in. Rage when you need to , ask questions over and over if you need to, get space when needed , be clear on your needs - for me, I went from being a confident independent woman yo needing a lot of self esteem bolstering and assurance - the best thing my husband can say is I’m here and I’m not going anywhere I love you and I’ll never forgive myself for doing this to you etc I need to hear true remorse and understanding of the excruciating pain he’s put me through.

For me, comparison has been an issue. Why her etc? She is very very different than me but maybe that was the point.

I have very good friends I’ve leaned on and am so thankful for

I also made this past year all about me for once. Travelled, exercised, bought new clothes, walked a ton, got really healthy, and I’m finally back to feeling good about myself

My marriage is good. Better than it has been for a very long time. We are optimistic and excited for our future. I hope the same for you

I have many questions but I really don’t want the answers, my imagination has done more than enough backfilling and anything more I could learn is just going to make it worse.
I treat what my spouse had with someone else sort of like I would treat anyone I was seeing, sure I could know if they were seeing someone for a year before me or whatever but I don’t want to know about that time they had sex on a hotel balcony, it’s not necessary, I wasn’t part of it and it could only lead to comparison.

I completely understand the crime but the cover-up may be unforgivable.

My tolerance for any sort of poor behavior is now zero and it’s called out instantly without fear of reprisal, this is either going to be as perfect as a relationship can get or I’ll burn the entire thing down. And you’re right, every single TV show is about cheating, it’s constant and I never noticed it before.

We’ve been sleeping together pretty regularly now and it’s different, sometimes it’s really connected, sometimes it could be anyone and there’s no exchange, sometimes it’s angry but it’s really nice when everything is forgotten for just a little while and the sex hangover that might last for a few hours or maybe a day is an incredible relief.

Spouse is working hard, being honest in therapy and has shown some real remorse. Life is far better than it was from the time it was going on and definitely since discovery, I don’t feel crazy and the anxiety attacks aren’t happening all day long anymore, I think we’re going to get through, but if we don’t I know exactly which one of their friends I’m going to sleep with.

Previous poster are you the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

Makes perfect sense. I’m about a year from D. Day. He admitted it when I found evidence but I had spent the previous year (during his affair) constantly sick and feeling alone which I attributed to major work stress he was enduring. It was awful and then the discovery. We are together and have worked extremely hard in counseling etc.

Just now I can say it’s getting easier. I still think about it every day. But not every hour. I still have dreams. TV /movies can be very hard. Big life events like our child graduating get to me as in how could you risk so much for so little. Married 22 years. Didn’t know there were any major issues … and yes we were fine sexually.

I get the your analogy. It’s awful to have the person you love and trusted the most, built a life and family with - completely betray you. It’s awful that the person I’d go to for comfort and understanding is the person that did this to you. It’s messed up on many levels and really plays with your mind, heart and body.

My advice- don’t keep anything in. Rage when you need to , ask questions over and over if you need to, get space when needed , be clear on your needs - for me, I went from being a confident independent woman yo needing a lot of self esteem bolstering and assurance - the best thing my husband can say is I’m here and I’m not going anywhere I love you and I’ll never forgive myself for doing this to you etc I need to hear true remorse and understanding of the excruciating pain he’s put me through.

For me, comparison has been an issue. Why her etc? She is very very different than me but maybe that was the point.

I have very good friends I’ve leaned on and am so thankful for

I also made this past year all about me for once. Travelled, exercised, bought new clothes, walked a ton, got really healthy, and I’m finally back to feeling good about myself

My marriage is good. Better than it has been for a very long time. We are optimistic and excited for our future. I hope the same for you

I have many questions but I really don’t want the answers, my imagination has done more than enough backfilling and anything more I could learn is just going to make it worse.
I treat what my spouse had with someone else sort of like I would treat anyone I was seeing, sure I could know if they were seeing someone for a year before me or whatever but I don’t want to know about that time they had sex on a hotel balcony, it’s not necessary, I wasn’t part of it and it could only lead to comparison.

I completely understand the crime but the cover-up may be unforgivable.

My tolerance for any sort of poor behavior is now zero and it’s called out instantly without fear of reprisal, this is either going to be as perfect as a relationship can get or I’ll burn the entire thing down. And you’re right, every single TV show is about cheating, it’s constant and I never noticed it before.

We’ve been sleeping together pretty regularly now and it’s different, sometimes it’s really connected, sometimes it could be anyone and there’s no exchange, sometimes it’s angry but it’s really nice when everything is forgotten for just a little while and the sex hangover that might last for a few hours or maybe a day is an incredible relief.

Spouse is working hard, being honest in therapy and has shown some real remorse. Life is far better than it was from the time it was going on and definitely since discovery, I don’t feel crazy and the anxiety attacks aren’t happening all day long anymore, I think we’re going to get through, but if we don’t I know exactly which one of their friends I’m going to sleep with.

Previous poster are you the OP?

I had to know everything it was awful like an obsession. Completely not like me either. I felt like I couldn’t heal until I did. In reality it prolonged the trauma. I still ask questions. I feel like the movie reel of my life has missing tape for a year and so I try to piece it together. It’s truly awful if people knew what this could do to someone I’d hope they not do it. It’s not discussed enough

[Anonymous]

OP what kind of affair was this? A relationship with one person? How long? Did you know her? Big age difference? How did you find out? I ask as these factors can impact recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

Makes perfect sense. I’m about a year from D. Day. He admitted it when I found evidence but I had spent the previous year (during his affair) constantly sick and feeling alone which I attributed to major work stress he was enduring. It was awful and then the discovery. We are together and have worked extremely hard in counseling etc.

Just now I can say it’s getting easier. I still think about it every day. But not every hour. I still have dreams. TV /movies can be very hard. Big life events like our child graduating get to me as in how could you risk so much for so little. Married 22 years. Didn’t know there were any major issues … and yes we were fine sexually.

I get the your analogy. It’s awful to have the person you love and trusted the most, built a life and family with - completely betray you. It’s awful that the person I’d go to for comfort and understanding is the person that did this to you. It’s messed up on many levels and really plays with your mind, heart and body.

My advice- don’t keep anything in. Rage when you need to , ask questions over and over if you need to, get space when needed , be clear on your needs - for me, I went from being a confident independent woman yo needing a lot of self esteem bolstering and assurance - the best thing my husband can say is I’m here and I’m not going anywhere I love you and I’ll never forgive myself for doing this to you etc I need to hear true remorse and understanding of the excruciating pain he’s put me through.

For me, comparison has been an issue. Why her etc? She is very very different than me but maybe that was the point.

I have very good friends I’ve leaned on and am so thankful for

I also made this past year all about me for once. Travelled, exercised, bought new clothes, walked a ton, got really healthy, and I’m finally back to feeling good about myself

My marriage is good. Better than it has been for a very long time. We are optimistic and excited for our future. I hope the same for you

I have many questions but I really don’t want the answers, my imagination has done more than enough backfilling and anything more I could learn is just going to make it worse.
I treat what my spouse had with someone else sort of like I would treat anyone I was seeing, sure I could know if they were seeing someone for a year before me or whatever but I don’t want to know about that time they had sex on a hotel balcony, it’s not necessary, I wasn’t part of it and it could only lead to comparison.

I completely understand the crime but the cover-up may be unforgivable.

My tolerance for any sort of poor behavior is now zero and it’s called out instantly without fear of reprisal, this is either going to be as perfect as a relationship can get or I’ll burn the entire thing down. And you’re right, every single TV show is about cheating, it’s constant and I never noticed it before.

We’ve been sleeping together pretty regularly now and it’s different, sometimes it’s really connected, sometimes it could be anyone and there’s no exchange, sometimes it’s angry but it’s really nice when everything is forgotten for just a little while and the sex hangover that might last for a few hours or maybe a day is an incredible relief.

Spouse is working hard, being honest in therapy and has shown some real remorse. Life is far better than it was from the time it was going on and definitely since discovery, I don’t feel crazy and the anxiety attacks aren’t happening all day long anymore, I think we’re going to get through, but if we don’t I know exactly which one of their friends I’m going to sleep with.

Previous poster are you the OP?

I had to know everything it was awful like an obsession. Completely not like me either. I felt like I couldn’t heal until I did. In reality it prolonged the trauma. I still ask questions. I feel like the movie reel of my life has missing tape for a year and so I try to piece it together. It’s truly awful if people knew what this could do to someone I’d hope they not do it. It’s not discussed enough

Me too! Every.single.detail. I know far more than anyone should ever know—asked some of the most disgusting questions. Even back checked things before person knew I knew- cold called.

Same thought: this messes people up forever. Really it does. I am very analytical by nature—honest, open and don’t let things go easily. I can remember a grudge from 40 years ago so something like this never ever is going away.

I’m farther out than many posting—4 years. The implosion ended one marriage and caused so much emotional damage to spouses and kids. The decision was taken very lightly—just a bit of no-strings fun that nobody would find out about so nobody would get hurt. Idiots