Betrayal trauma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP never said if they were DH or DW.
Never said if it was EA or PA.
Never said if they also cheated.

A lot of people are assuming that OP is a DW who went through a PA, it’s not clear that is the case.

What’s the difference?
Hearts and bodies are to remain with one’s self or shared with the person you married, giving either to a third party and lying for an extended period and lying about it is betrayal.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous quote]

So 3-5 years to heal?

That's what the general theory and experience seems to say. 3-5 years before you can actually put it behind you. I guess time will tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EMDR helps.

My friend who went this said the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

This comment is obnoxious in so many ways I don't know where to start.

Not all of us want to wrap our worth and health around one single person who may or may not keep a promise they made to us years ago. Doesn’t make us obnoxious, just realists.

NP. I have never been cheated on, to my knowledge, but I'm also not arrogant enough to think I know how I would feel if I were. If a friend told me they were traumatized by being cheated on, I wouldn't question their feelings. That's both rude and conceited to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys don't get it. It's not just the cheating. It's the lying, sneaking around. It's other people finding out before you do and talking about it behind your back while you walk around totally unaware and people say "wow she's so clueless" behind your back.

I can imagine a cheating scenario where it really is "just" cheating. A very discrete fling or a one night stand or even a series of one night stands, where no one else knows and you work through it as a couple and it hurts but doesn't upend your whole world.

But people on this thread aren't talking about that kind of infidelity. They are talking about betrayal. Like your DH had a three year affair with his ex-girlfriend who is now pregnant. That kind of betrayal. The kind you don't move on from quickly. The kind that results in you waking up like a year later and remembering a dinner party you went to and realizing that your host knew about the affair and the pregnancy and was so nice to you but also said nothing and you just sat their oblivious, looking like a total idiot.

The actual act of cheating is really just the half of it.

In my case, it was both kinds of betrayal!

[Anonymous]

There are good days and bad days, I never know which one I’ll get. Sleep and exercise help, any amount of alcohol stirs up anxiety.

[Anonymous]

I was blamed for my husband's infidelity. Told me I pushed him to it. Said that I didn't give him enough attention or sex. So, its ok to cheat????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was blamed for my husband's infidelity. Told me I pushed him to it. Said that I didn't give him enough attention or sex. So, its ok to cheat????

People defend their behavior in all sorts of ways, whether the initial disconnect was physical or emotional is kind of irrelevant, he wanted a particular outcome so he either looked for or manufactured the circumstances to justify it.

[Anonymous]

Going through it now I'm on month 9. I was madly in love with a man having 2 emotional affairs, cheated on me with one and texted about how great their night together was. The sad hard part is that I really believed in this guy he made me feel like I was the best thing in his life but thinking about it all I feel sick daily also wake at night and I'm filled with anger. Trying to distance myself from him has proven impossible yet I know I need to sever all ties it's just so hard when he was such a big part of my life. Im hoping spring and summer will help and once the pattern of reaching out and feeling desperate for his love and desperate for answers ends I can be whole again. Sometimes love is the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

This comment is obnoxious in so many ways I don't know where to start.

+1. When you are a good, honest, trust-worthy and trusting person, you could never imagine that your spouse, who you promised, vowed to be faithful forever, and gave all your trust to, was even capable of such a heinous betrayal. It totally shatters every belief you've ever had. I'm an incredibly high functioning person, but I don't know if I'll ever recover from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was blamed for my husband's infidelity. Told me I pushed him to it. Said that I didn't give him enough attention or sex. So, its ok to cheat????

By who? They suck! Cut that person(s) out of your life forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through it now I'm on month 9. I was madly in love with a man having 2 emotional affairs, cheated on me with one and texted about how great their night together was. The sad hard part is that I really believed in this guy he made me feel like I was the best thing in his life but thinking about it all I feel sick daily also wake at night and I'm filled with anger. Trying to distance myself from him has proven impossible yet I know I need to sever all ties it's just so hard when he was such a big part of my life. Im hoping spring and summer will help and once the pattern of reaching out and feeling desperate for his love and desperate for answers ends I can be whole again. Sometimes love is the worst.

I am six months out, there are good days and bad days, had some intrusive thoughts that started this morning when I woke up and have continued on and off, then I read this thread and it’s all back again.
It’s moments like this I could just drive myself to the airport and never see them again but tomorrow I will be optimistically back in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I will never be able to trust anyone else the way I trusted him — not because I think everyone is a liar and a cheater who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves, but because I’m more fragile now and need to wear an emotional suit of armor the rest of my life because I no longer trust my own judgment.

I feel this way too. For me it was not just one person in my life who betrayed me but several -- two people who cheated but then a number of "friends" who helped conceal it or, in several instances, claimed they wanted to protect me from the truth. There was over a year of gaslighting from about a half dozen people in my life. And real gaslighting -- I was struggling with mental health during that year and paranoid, as I felt that something was not right and that people were talking about me behind my back. I could just sense it. And when I'd bring it up, they would talk to me like a child who was overreacting to something, deny point blank that anyone had discussed me when I wasn't around, even accused me of being self-centered to think this. When it all came out, I think my rage at being lied to in that way for so long was much greater than my anger over the cheating. The cheating almost felt beside the point by then.

I am a different person now. I have a therapist I confide in but I do not allow myself to get close to other people and I do not show vulnerability to them. I feel that any vulnerability I show will be used against me or exploited. I am not sure my mental health would survive it again. I have made my circle intentionally small and even that group I keep at arms length.

I am not sure I'll ever have a 24 hour period in which I don't think about this incident on some level. That's my goal though. I have a milestone birthday coming up in almost two years and my goal is to give myself freedom from this ugly thing that happened. I'm trying out hobbies, volunteering, planning a big trip for myself, and pouring myself into motherhood with the goal that by the time this birthday comes, I'll be able to go at least a single day without thinking about, and feeling defined by, this horrible thing.

Sorry to hear this pp

And yet....in the other thread people are saying "ignorance is bliss" and not to tell the wife of the OP's husbands best friend who is having an affair for eight years. People saying let it go.

Just let her live the lie I guess?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

This comment is obnoxious in so many ways I don't know where to start.

+1. When you are a good, honest, trust-worthy and trusting person, you could never imagine that your spouse, who you promised, vowed to be faithful forever, and gave all your trust to, was even capable of such a heinous betrayal. It totally shatters every belief you've ever had. I'm an incredibly high functioning person, but I don't know if I'll ever recover from this.

Then you’re not as high functioning as you think.

And to even call yourself “an incredibly high functioning person” was the giveaway. What a weird comment. It’s the same as “I’m sotally tober, officer!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

This comment is obnoxious in so many ways I don't know where to start.

+1. When you are a good, honest, trust-worthy and trusting person, you could never imagine that your spouse, who you promised, vowed to be faithful forever, and gave all your trust to, was even capable of such a heinous betrayal. It totally shatters every belief you've ever had. I'm an incredibly high functioning person, but I don't know if I'll ever recover from this.

Then you’re not as high functioning as you think.

And to even call yourself “an incredibly high functioning person” was the giveaway. What a weird comment. It’s the same as “I’m sotally tober, officer!”

Don’t be an @sshole. I know it’s hard.

I know what pp means. I never had any mental health issues my entire life. Successful career. Tough-physically and mentally. Been through loved ones terminal illness and death, all kinds of things life threw at me…

But this is base level. It’s primal. It’s your kids. It’s your world as you believed it to be for decades—and then you are questioning every thing and everyone- what’s even real? What was real? And triggers are everywhere. Try finding a single show, movie or book without a betrayal-affair. And let me tell you I never understood what that feels like because you will never know—only what you think it would feel like and that it would be a black and white issue. Movies/shows never show the fallout. The after life for kids, betrayed spouses.