Betrayal trauma

[Anonymous]

PP I’m so sorry and I agree completely I’ll be ok I’ll just never the the same and the loss of trust/belief in the hood toward everything is really tough I’m trying to recover it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

Makes perfect sense. I’m about a year from D. Day. He admitted it when I found evidence but I had spent the previous year (during his affair) constantly sick and feeling alone which I attributed to major work stress he was enduring. It was awful and then the discovery. We are together and have worked extremely hard in counseling etc.

Just now I can say it’s getting easier. I still think about it every day. But not every hour. I still have dreams. TV /movies can be very hard. Big life events like our child graduating get to me as in how could you risk so much for so little. Married 22 years. Didn’t know there were any major issues … and yes we were fine sexually.

I get the your analogy. It’s awful to have the person you love and trusted the most, built a life and family with - completely betray you. It’s awful that the person I’d go to for comfort and understanding is the person that did this to you. It’s messed up on many levels and really plays with your mind, heart and body.

My advice- don’t keep anything in. Rage when you need to , ask questions over and over if you need to, get space when needed , be clear on your needs - for me, I went from being a confident independent woman yo needing a lot of self esteem bolstering and assurance - the best thing my husband can say is I’m here and I’m not going anywhere I love you and I’ll never forgive myself for doing this to you etc I need to hear true remorse and understanding of the excruciating pain he’s put me through.

For me, comparison has been an issue. Why her etc? She is very very different than me but maybe that was the point.

I have very good friends I’ve leaned on and am so thankful for

I also made this past year all about me for once. Travelled, exercised, bought new clothes, walked a ton, got really healthy, and I’m finally back to feeling good about myself

My marriage is good. Better than it has been for a very long time. We are optimistic and excited for our future. I hope the same for you

I have many questions but I really don’t want the answers, my imagination has done more than enough backfilling and anything more I could learn is just going to make it worse.
I treat what my spouse had with someone else sort of like I would treat anyone I was seeing, sure I could know if they were seeing someone for a year before me or whatever but I don’t want to know about that time they had sex on a hotel balcony, it’s not necessary, I wasn’t part of it and it could only lead to comparison.

I completely understand the crime but the cover-up may be unforgivable.

My tolerance for any sort of poor behavior is now zero and it’s called out instantly without fear of reprisal, this is either going to be as perfect as a relationship can get or I’ll burn the entire thing down. And you’re right, every single TV show is about cheating, it’s constant and I never noticed it before.

We’ve been sleeping together pretty regularly now and it’s different, sometimes it’s really connected, sometimes it could be anyone and there’s no exchange, sometimes it’s angry but it’s really nice when everything is forgotten for just a little while and the sex hangover that might last for a few hours or maybe a day is an incredible relief.

Spouse is working hard, being honest in therapy and has shown some real remorse. Life is far better than it was from the time it was going on and definitely since discovery, I don’t feel crazy and the anxiety attacks aren’t happening all day long anymore, I think we’re going to get through, but if we don’t I know exactly which one of their friends I’m going to sleep with.

Previous poster are you the OP?

I had to know everything it was awful like an obsession. Completely not like me either. I felt like I couldn’t heal until I did. In reality it prolonged the trauma. I still ask questions. I feel like the movie reel of my life has missing tape for a year and so I try to piece it together.[b] It’s truly awful if people knew what this could do to someone I’d hope they not do it. It’s not discussed enough

This. Exactly. I also questioned every single minute—going through family calendar, photos, emails, etc. It truly is awful. Middle of the night was always the worst—mind movies, racing thoughts, anxiety

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what kind of affair was this? A relationship with one person? How long? Did you know her? Big age difference? How did you find out? I ask as these factors can impact recovery.

By spouses admission it went on for a year and a half, they swear it was an EA only but who knows? I do not know the EA partner. I found pictures, they are close to me in age may be a little bit older.

[Anonymous]

I highly doubt only EA

[Anonymous]

Hi, I was wondering how to find out what the initials used in the communications are. For example, PP, OP, EA, etc., I would like to understand and use them too. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I was wondering how to find out what the initials used in the communications are. For example, PP, OP, EA, etc., I would like to understand and use them too. Thank you!

PP previous poster
OP original poster
EA emotional affair

There’s many more, you can do Google searches for forum abbreviations and you’ll get the hang of it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP, I appreciate your help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP, I appreciate your help!

You can also identify yourself or others that you’d like to speak directly to by stating the time in which they posted, good luck 15:11!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one year in and clearly have a way to go. He chose to leave our 20 year relationship, so we are separated.

So many of these posts spoke to me. The initial six months in particular were brutal, I could feel actual physical pain in my chest. One year later, I can feel things improving. There is still not a day that goes by when I don't think about it several times a day. OP, I felt something similar to what you said about being shot - he ran me over with a truck. But the pendulum is slowly swinging from feeling I had failed to realizing that he has. He has chosen to move on with life, which includes leaving our children who are in elementary and middle school. So through this, I have tried to hold on to my job, keep the ship stable for my kids, and just keep my head above water. I did, and so will you. Anti-anxiety meds have been helpful. I send you and all other PPs love and solidarity.

To PPs who have made dismissive comments, I am confused by your objective here - other than piling on upon people, mostly women, who are sharing about a traumatic turning point in their lives. This is not just about sex. This is about intentional manipulation of your mind, lying, gaslighting over a LONG time. You know something is off, you try to ask or address, and you are given this fake narrative of your own life. I also knotted myself into pretzels like one PP trying to make things "right." All along one party has very different knowledge and keeps it from you.

Counting down to the 3-5 years. OP, don't allow yourself to just be taken along, of course try to make it work if he is making amends, just put yourself first this time.

I am 4 months in, after 24 years together. And I want to try to work on our marriage (we are in couples therapy)but he is tired of my tears and anger and although he’s sorry for the EA he won’t say he will do anything to make the marriage work. He says our marriage was terrible before. I suspect he’ll leave soon. That is like being stabbed again. First a year long EA, lying and deceiving me over and over again (while I was begging him to work on our marriage because he was being so awful to me), then he says he can’t take any more of my anger and pain, and now he’s dancing around what I already know he’s going to do. So I get betrayed and then dumped.

I can’t stop shaking, no sleep, down 4 dress sizes in 4 months. Life sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one year in and clearly have a way to go. He chose to leave our 20 year relationship, so we are separated.

So many of these posts spoke to me. The initial six months in particular were brutal, I could feel actual physical pain in my chest. One year later, I can feel things improving. There is still not a day that goes by when I don't think about it several times a day. OP, I felt something similar to what you said about being shot - he ran me over with a truck. But the pendulum is slowly swinging from feeling I had failed to realizing that he has. He has chosen to move on with life, which includes leaving our children who are in elementary and middle school. So through this, I have tried to hold on to my job, keep the ship stable for my kids, and just keep my head above water. I did, and so will you. Anti-anxiety meds have been helpful. I send you and all other PPs love and solidarity.

To PPs who have made dismissive comments, I am confused by your objective here - other than piling on upon people, mostly women, who are sharing about a traumatic turning point in their lives. This is not just about sex. This is about intentional manipulation of your mind, lying, gaslighting over a LONG time. You know something is off, you try to ask or address, and you are given this fake narrative of your own life. I also knotted myself into pretzels like one PP trying to make things "right." All along one party has very different knowledge and keeps it from you.

Counting down to the 3-5 years. OP, don't allow yourself to just be taken along, of course try to make it work if he is making amends, just put yourself first this time.

I am 4 months in, after 24 years together. And I want to try to work on our marriage (we are in couples therapy)but he is tired of my tears and anger and although he’s sorry for the EA he won’t say he will do anything to make the marriage work. He says our marriage was terrible before. I suspect he’ll leave soon. That is like being stabbed again. First a year long EA, lying and deceiving me over and over again (while I was begging him to work on our marriage because he was being so awful to me), then he says he can’t take any more of my anger and pain, and now he’s dancing around what I already know he’s going to do. So I get betrayed and then dumped.

I can’t stop shaking, no sleep, down 4 dress sizes in 4 months. Life sucks.

I’m really sorry that’s truly awful. Please take care of yourself. What if you separated for a little bit? Might give you both some clarity.

Why is he even in therapy? Why does he think your marriage was terrible? Kids? How old? Little kids can be very challenging on a marriage but it’s just a season. Our kid challenges were the teen years when ours had some really serious challenges and things happen. Stained us almost to the breaking point and my husband took the cowardly route of escaping through an affair.

There are some good programs out there. Look into Idit Sheroni we did her program it helped to save us.

[Anonymous]

Strained us *

[Anonymous]

PP here. Kids in college, and he started the EA two weeks after we became empty nesters and I was sad and lonely. He was traveling so I wasn’t mopey around him, just in retrospect angry that while I was at home trying to figure out a life without kids at home, he was kissing another woman. He travels enough that I think we are already experiencing separation to a certain extent. Thanks for the tip on the program - I’ll check it out.

[Anonymous]

PP, I'm really sorry, but if you spend any amount of time in groups for the betrayed (survivinginfidelity.com, several subreddits), you will quickly learn that a very very vast majority of the time, if not every time, two grown adults who are engaging in affair behaviors are not just kissing. Every poster I've ever followed comes back months, sometimes even years, later with DDay #2 devasted that it actually wasn't "just kissing". It is especially true when they are in a car, hotel, the other woman's home, or in a different city where they can be anonymous.

[Anonymous]

https://iditsharoni.com/affair-counseling

Highly recommend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am 4 months in, after 24 years together. And I want to try to work on our marriage (we are in couples therapy)but he is tired of my tears and anger and although he’s sorry for the EA he won’t say he will do anything to make the marriage work. He says our marriage was terrible before. I suspect he’ll leave soon. That is like being stabbed again. First a year long EA, lying and deceiving me over and over again (while I was begging him to work on our marriage because he was being so awful to me), then he says he can’t take any more of my anger and pain, and now he’s dancing around what I already know he’s going to do. So I get betrayed and then dumped.

I can’t stop shaking, no sleep, down 4 dress sizes in 4 months. Life sucks.

PP, I am so sorry and sending you hugs. What a double whammy too.

How convenient for him that your pain and hurt are the problem here! It is often said that the betraying partner has to come up with all sorts of justifications to vilify the person they are cheating on. My cheating ex came up with the same sort of "our marriage never worked" talk when it had never been mentioned as an issue before.

I did find the suggestions to grey rock and do the 180 helpful. In the early stages it seems impossible but seriously try it. And not as a means to win him back but to show love to yourself. Hope you have some emotional support.

https://kellyjnickel.com/grey-rocking-a-powerful-strategy-for-coping-with-betrayal-trauma/