Betrayal trauma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On month 3 and think about it every day still. Wake up some nights thinking about it.

More than twenty years and it still rises. DCUM makes it worse.

More than twenty years here, mostly I'm fine but when there are major life events or something that triggers me, the feelings rise again. I still have dreams that relate to the situation.

Me too - after 28 years. Took me at least 10 years to get it out of my consciousness, but it still flares up in vivid dreams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

As an independent career woman who anyone that knows me has said I don’t put up with sh@t and they joke how I’d toss my husband out immediately….

Reality is so different when you go through this. It is absolutely nothing like you thought or would believe. NOTHING. Is not the “wife thing”, it’s not an identity problem it’s a wound a deep deep wound and your universe literally is upside down and you no longer trust those strong instincts of yours. You don’t believe anyone anymore—it makes you paranoid—even among friends.

Movies and books do not portray it. When you have kids to protect and think about it’s even harder. It’s like how you have zero idea what being a parent is like until you are in it,,,and you have had to deal with a heartbreaking diagnosis of a child or tried to protect them. You know as a non-parent what you think you would do: but you can’t fathom all the emotions, etc.

Anyone who says “I’ve never been cheated on, but..”, please, just stop right there. Don’t go on.[b] And, for the record, I was saying “I’ve never been cheated on” when I was actually being cheated on.

And I’ll add, betrayed by an ongoing affair in a marriage — not a ONS.

PP here and you’re mistaking the entire sentiment of my post. I never once said anything from the perspective of whether a cheating victim should stay or go. What I’m saying is that far too many people, both men and women, base their happiness and worth on the actions and commitment of their spouse. With so many humans demonstrating that they simply can’t or won’t remain faithful, I am opining why we as a society continue to have this hard expectation that others will honor us in the way we think they should. We’ve seen that many spouses don’t. And for this reason, I am making the statement that perhaps we should go into relationships with our eyes open that sometimes, and even frequently, those we love and who love us do unfortunately let us down. I am and always have been prepared, just like my friend shared many years ago, to take a different path in life if I find myself in that position. I’ve always been more of the mindset of the impermanence of all things. The Buddhists say the attachment to outcomes is what causes us pain. I’m a Christian woman, FWIW, who just has a different perspective I suppose.

You don't actually have a different perspective, you just don't understand what these commenters are saying.

Nor do you understand. You are getting angry and triggered, and truly from the bottom of my heart I am sorry that your DH hurt you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

As an independent career woman who anyone that knows me has said I don’t put up with sh@t and they joke how I’d toss my husband out immediately….

Reality is so different when you go through this. It is absolutely nothing like you thought or would believe. NOTHING. Is not the “wife thing”, it’s not an identity problem it’s a wound a deep deep wound and your universe literally is upside down and you no longer trust those strong instincts of yours. You don’t believe anyone anymore—it makes you paranoid—even among friends.

Movies and books do not portray it. When you have kids to protect and think about it’s even harder. It’s like how you have zero idea what being a parent is like until you are in it,,,and you have had to deal with a heartbreaking diagnosis of a child or tried to protect them. You know as a non-parent what you think you would do: but you can’t fathom all the emotions, etc.

Anyone who says “I’ve never been cheated on, but..”, please, just stop right there. Don’t go on.[b] And, for the record, I was saying “I’ve never been cheated on” when I was actually being cheated on.

And I’ll add, betrayed by an ongoing affair in a marriage — not a ONS.

PP here and you’re mistaking the entire sentiment of my post. I never once said anything from the perspective of whether a cheating victim should stay or go. What I’m saying is that far too many people, both men and women, base their happiness and worth on the actions and commitment of their spouse. With so many humans demonstrating that they simply can’t or won’t remain faithful, I am opining why we as a society continue to have this hard expectation that others will honor us in the way we think they should. We’ve seen that many spouses don’t. And for this reason, I am making the statement that perhaps we should go into relationships with our eyes open that sometimes, and even frequently, those we love and who love us do unfortunately let us down. I am and always have been prepared, just like my friend shared many years ago, to take a different path in life if I find myself in that position. I’ve always been more of the mindset of the impermanence of all things. The Buddhists say the attachment to outcomes is what causes us pain. I’m a Christian woman, FWIW, who just has a different perspective I suppose.

You don't actually have a different perspective, you just don't understand what these commenters are saying.

Nor do you understand. You are getting angry and triggered, and truly from the bottom of my heart I am sorry that your DH hurt you.

You are saying that if these women would have just expected less, been more open to the realities of infidelity, etc. then they wouldn't be hurting so much now, and that they should just detach from what they wanted and accept life as it is, yes? I think I understand what you are saying. But you fail to see that expecting someone to have sex with only one person during the entire course of their marriage is not the same thing as expecting someone the love of your life to not f**k with your head for years. And they are both reasonable expectations, by the way.

PS I'm not angry, nor am I a betrayed spouse. I am just really irritated by comments like yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

As an independent career woman who anyone that knows me has said I don’t put up with sh@t and they joke how I’d toss my husband out immediately….

Reality is so different when you go through this. It is absolutely nothing like you thought or would believe. NOTHING. Is not the “wife thing”, it’s not an identity problem it’s a wound a deep deep wound and your universe literally is upside down and you no longer trust those strong instincts of yours. You don’t believe anyone anymore—it makes you paranoid—even among friends.

Movies and books do not portray it. When you have kids to protect and think about it’s even harder. It’s like how you have zero idea what being a parent is like until you are in it,,,and you have had to deal with a heartbreaking diagnosis of a child or tried to protect them. You know as a non-parent what you think you would do: but you can’t fathom all the emotions, etc.

Anyone who says “I’ve never been cheated on, but..”, please, just stop right there. Don’t go on.[b] And, for the record, I was saying “I’ve never been cheated on” when I was actually being cheated on.

And I’ll add, betrayed by an ongoing affair in a marriage — not a ONS.

PP here and you’re mistaking the entire sentiment of my post. I never once said anything from the perspective of whether a cheating victim should stay or go. What I’m saying is that far too many people, both men and women, base their happiness and worth on the actions and commitment of their spouse. With so many humans demonstrating that they simply can’t or won’t remain faithful, I am opining why we as a society continue to have this hard expectation that others will honor us in the way we think they should. We’ve seen that many spouses don’t. And for this reason, I am making the statement that perhaps we should go into relationships with our eyes open that sometimes, and even frequently, those we love and who love us do unfortunately let us down. I am and always have been prepared, just like my friend shared many years ago, to take a different path in life if I find myself in that position. I’ve always been more of the mindset of the impermanence of all things. The Buddhists say the attachment to outcomes is what causes us pain. I’m a Christian woman, FWIW, who just has a different perspective I suppose.

You don't actually have a different perspective, you just don't understand what these commenters are saying.

Nor do you understand. You are getting angry and triggered, and truly from the bottom of my heart I am sorry that your DH hurt you.

DP. They’re not throwing themselves onto the funeral pyre or wearing black forever or locking themselves in their rooms. Have you read these responses at all? Most of the time these women have to carry on like nothing is happening for the sake of their children. They have to work and do everything they were always expected to do while experiencing deep and private pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

I agree, my mom died this summer and everybody was like "oh i'm so sorry, my mom died and I think of her every day" and I'm like moms die get over it. I can't imagine being so attached to a mom that her death is on your mind every day.

The alternative is a heartbroken and ill whole population... everybody's mom is going to die.

I was incredibly, incredibly close to my dad and his death was easier to get over than my husband’s multi year affair/betrayal which changed me fundamentally. My dad always had my back. My dad didn’t betray me. He had fierce loyalty. I had immense grief but the memories and love I had with him eased the pain and thinking of him now brings me joy and comfort.

Being lied to for 3.5 years in a 20-year marriage with kids while acting loving, having regular sex with me and going away on a work trip while she went to join while my dad was going through terminal cancer. The complete mind f@“k of your reality not being what you thought it was a whole other level that changes you forever. You trust nothing. No longer believe what anyone tells you. No longer believe your own judgement. It’s profound. And there are real studies on “betrayal trauma”. Oh—and I didn’t find out about the affair until 1.5 years after my dad died—right when I had started to really feel good and through the grief—-so I was thrust right back into darkness.

So- it’s a very different thing than a death of a parent.

[Anonymous]

Forever. Until you leave, and they're left in the past with their BS.

[Anonymous]

IME, a big part of the pain was that my husband had previously been an honest, compassionate, moral person who cared about my wellbeing. Of course it had occurred to me that he could stray, but it had never occurred to me that he would be completely unrepentant when caught. He’d always been so responsible, dependable and conscientious that it shocked me to my core when he checked out of not just our marriage, but parenthood as well, because (in his own words) his life wasn’t fun anymore.

You no longer know what’s real and what isn’t when the person you’ve been sleeping next to for 20+ years has become unrecognizable and unknowable in a relatively short time. I’ve posted here before that had he not happened to have had a clear brain scan around this time, I would seriously have thought he had a brain tumor. It’s not that my self worth was dependent on my relationship with him; it’s that it’s psychologically damaging to have someone that close to you unveiled as a total fraud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who cheat even when having sex with their spouses are scumbags. That must be hurtful beyond words And people who cheat because their spouses are not having sex with them, then the spouses are partly responsible.

How about this one.He withholds sex from spouse because of his ED, many discussions, she tries not to pressure him and be ok with sex only a few times per year with his med, then she finds out he’s had a side piece for a very long time. So he’s has his great time AND prevented her from normal intimacy and exposed her during the betrayal. Is there a special category for this guy?

This was my ex, too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME, a big part of the pain was that my husband had previously been an honest, compassionate, moral person who cared about my wellbeing. Of course it had occurred to me that he could stray, but it had never occurred to me that he would be completely unrepentant when caught. He’d always been so responsible, dependable and conscientious that it shocked me to my core when he checked out of not just our marriage, but parenthood as well, because (in his own words) his life wasn’t fun anymore.

You no longer know what’s real and what isn’t when the person you’ve been sleeping next to for 20+ years has become unrecognizable and unknowable in a relatively short time. I’ve posted here before that had he not happened to have had a clear brain scan around this time, I would seriously have thought he had a brain tumor. It’s not that my self worth was dependent on my relationship with him; it’s that it’s psychologically damaging to have someone that close to you unveiled as a total fraud.

Yes, this and prior PP nailed it. It's disconcerting to feel like you maybe never knew the person you thought you knew best. Everything is suspect, especially your own judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME, a big part of the pain was that my husband had previously been an honest, compassionate, moral person who cared about my wellbeing. Of course it had occurred to me that he could stray, but it had never occurred to me that he would be completely unrepentant when caught. He’d always been so responsible, dependable and conscientious that it shocked me to my core when he checked out of not just our marriage, but parenthood as well, because (in his own words) his life wasn’t fun anymore.

You no longer know what’s real and what isn’t when the person you’ve been sleeping next to for 20+ years has become unrecognizable and unknowable in a relatively short time. I’ve posted here before that had he not happened to have had a clear brain scan around this time, I would seriously have thought he had a brain tumor. It’s not that my self worth was dependent on my relationship with him; it’s that it’s psychologically damaging to have someone that close to you unveiled as a total fraud.

Same with my cousins’ dad. He said “it just wasn’t fun any more” as he walked out on his teenage kids after 20 years of marriage; it turned out he had a secret other family two towns over. The kids don’t speak to him any more. The wife developed a chronic pain condition. :/

[Anonymous]

I read it takes half the length of the relationship. I found that to be close. Took me a bit longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read it takes half the length of the relationship. I found that to be close. Took me a bit longer.

i

Which relationship? If marriage I’m screwed- half would mean 11 years.

Or do you mean their affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

I’m the 20+ year poster who’s still in the relationship. Yes, you absolutely can recover the feelings you remember. It didn’t take too long in fact. If your case is anything like mine, it wasn’t being shot because it wasn’t an attack on me. Maybe he just felt a craving for sex he couldn’t control. Maybe he did it for a few months and then felt so guilty he confessed and repented and has been transparently committed from then on. Well, that’s my story, and if yours is anything like it then you’ll get through it. I don’t think of the betrayal as a crime, just as a mistake made out of weakness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

I’m the 20+ year poster who’s still in the relationship. Yes, you absolutely can recover the feelings you remember. It didn’t take too long in fact. If your case is anything like mine, it wasn’t being shot because it wasn’t an attack on me. Maybe he just felt a craving for sex he couldn’t control. Maybe he did it for a few months and then felt so guilty he confessed and repented and has been transparently committed from then on. Well, that’s my story, and if yours is anything like it then you’ll get through it. I don’t think of the betrayal as a crime, just as a mistake made out of weakness.

OP:
Thank you for this.
Spouse had been carrying on for about a year and a half and lying throughout, it’s the lies that I’m having the most trouble getting over.
I know how feelings for another can develop quickly and come out of nowhere for someone, it can feel so good and become so addictive but toying with the person who has committed to you sort of feels like it’s bordering on unforgivable.

Upon being caught they said that they were just about to end it with the AP because things between us had become so great and it wasn’t going anywhere anyway, but I’m sort of having a hard time believing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

I’m the 20+ year poster who’s still in the relationship. Yes, you absolutely can recover the feelings you remember. It didn’t take too long in fact. If your case is anything like mine, it wasn’t being shot because it wasn’t an attack on me. Maybe he just felt a craving for sex he couldn’t control. Maybe he did it for a few months and then felt so guilty he confessed and repented and has been transparently committed from then on. Well, that’s my story, and if yours is anything like it then you’ll get through it. I don’t think of the betrayal as a crime, just as a mistake made out of weakness.

I used to think chump lady and her position was too harsh but upon reading threads like this I’ve come to realize that absent complete and total transparency and remorse with no missteps, you just cannot stay with a cheater. It is a form of self torture for the victim of the cheating. And if the affair is much more than a one night stand- forget it.