Betrayal trauma

[Anonymous]

EMDR helps.

[Anonymous]

It was pretty bad for a year. Over the course of the next year things got gradually better. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On month 3 and think about it every day still. Wake up some nights thinking about it.

More than twenty years and it still rises. DCUM makes it worse.

Please just get off DCUM in those moments. I went through some things and I found DCUM could really make things worse. It’s just triggering sometimes to read about someone who has it better OR worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On month 3 and think about it every day still. Wake up some nights thinking about it.

More than twenty years and it still rises. DCUM makes it worse.

More than twenty years here, mostly I'm fine but when there are major life events or something that triggers me, the feelings rise again. I still have dreams that relate to the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EMDR helps.

People seem to swear by this but there is a lot of indication that it's no more than a placebo effect. It's like mesmerism.

[Anonymous]

Can all you previous posters quote your responses and note if you are still with the betrayer or not?

I'm 1 year out from dday. The first 9 months were absolutely unbearable. I was a nonfunctioning human, couldn't tell you what happened at work during that time, was in complete survival mode with parenting. The last few months, I've felt much more stable and clear headed, I give my mental and emotional attention to the betrayal maybe a couple times per day instead of 24/7 now.

[Anonymous]

NP. My life was upended by spousal betrayal 5.5 years ago. I’m lucky though; he only tried to gaslight me for about a minute before he just admitted it. Then it was trickle truth for a few months.

For a year he had refused to spend time with me, barely spoke to me, and would demean me when he did. He was mad that he was miserable and I wasn’t, thanks to his midlife crisis. We’d gone to couples counseling, but he had never confessed that he and a colleague were in love.

I really was traumatized when I found out, and suffered subsequent mini traumas every time he’d fall to a new low (such as telling the kids about his girlfriend while I was out of state, caring for my dying father, without the courtesy of giving me a heads up; or his failing to tell me or the kids that his girlfriend had moved in with him; or the fact that he has declined to have any custody of the kids at all). I’m angry with myself that at every stage I overestimated how good of a person he was. I just couldn’t accept that the man I had married was gone and that the man I was now dealing with was a complete stranger and a total a$$hole.

It took me several years to heal, with the aid of therapy and anti depressants. It took nearly 5 years until I could even contemplate the mere *possibility* of dating in the future. I’m still not ready to date. I feel ashamed and degraded by the sexual encounters I had with him when I was trying to save our marriage. I feel stupid for pretending to be into sex with him when he was so cruel to me. I feel sick thinking about the fact that he can remember those encounters too and they probably brought him pleasure. I’m humiliated that I sat in couples counseling and begged him just to be as nice to me as he was to his coworkers or our neighbors. How painful it is to admit that I was willing to settle for so little and forgive so much — especially because he still spurned me!

I will never be able to trust anyone else the way I trusted him — not because I think everyone is a liar and a cheater who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves, but because I’m more fragile now and need to wear an emotional suit of armor the rest of my life because I no longer trust my own judgment.

I feel the worst about what this did to my kids. My DD10 obviously could see that I was traumatized and she became exceptionally clingy. She needed to be within arm’s length at all times and touching me most of the time that first year. She must have been so scared. She’ll carry this experience with her. I feel so much guilt about that, even though she seems happy and well adjusted now.

[Anonymous]

These posts are so incredibly heartbreaking. I’m dealing with a far more minor betrayal and it is still so very hard. I feel like my reality has completely shifted and the floor pulled out from under me. I just wanted to wish all of you love and peace. Thank you for sharing your stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. My life was upended by spousal betrayal 5.5 years ago. I’m lucky though; he only tried to gaslight me for about a minute before he just admitted it. Then it was trickle truth for a few months.

For a year he had refused to spend time with me, barely spoke to me, and would demean me when he did. He was mad that he was miserable and I wasn’t, thanks to his midlife crisis. We’d gone to couples counseling, but he had never confessed that he and a colleague were in love.

I really was traumatized when I found out, and suffered subsequent mini traumas every time he’d fall to a new low (such as telling the kids about his girlfriend while I was out of state, caring for my dying father, without the courtesy of giving me a heads up; or his failing to tell me or the kids that his girlfriend had moved in with him; or the fact that he has declined to have any custody of the kids at all). I’m angry with myself that at every stage I overestimated how good of a person he was. I just couldn’t accept that the man I had married was gone and that the man I was now dealing with was a complete stranger and a total a$$hole.

It took me several years to heal, with the aid of therapy and anti depressants. It took nearly 5 years until I could even contemplate the mere *possibility* of dating in the future. I’m still not ready to date. I feel ashamed and degraded by the sexual encounters I had with him when I was trying to save our marriage. I feel stupid for pretending to be into sex with him when he was so cruel to me. I feel sick thinking about the fact that he can remember those encounters too and they probably brought him pleasure. I’m humiliated that I sat in couples counseling and begged him just to be as nice to me as he was to his coworkers or our neighbors. How painful it is to admit that I was willing to settle for so little and forgive so much — especially because he still spurned me!

I will never be able to trust anyone else the way I trusted him — not because I think everyone is a liar and a cheater who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves, but because I’m more fragile now and need to wear an emotional suit of armor the rest of my life because I no longer trust my own judgment.

I feel the worst about what this did to my kids. My DD10 obviously could see that I was traumatized and she became exceptionally clingy. She needed to be within arm’s length at all times and touching me most of the time that first year. She must have been so scared. She’ll carry this experience with her. I feel so much guilt about that, even though she seems happy and well adjusted now.

+1 It was such an eye opener to me that I can no longer operate under the assumptions that humans are good and kind and tell the truth. In the early days, my perception of people was so warped. I'd ask a coworker what they did over the weekend then wonder if they were lying to me.

[Anonymous]

People who cheat even when having sex with their spouses are scumbags. That must be hurtful beyond words And people who cheat because their spouses are not having sex with them, then the spouses are partly responsible.

[Anonymous]

Lots of free therapy videos on YouTube on the topic of betrayal trauma. A lot of times, it appears to date back to childhood? Many bad adult decisions stem from childhood and what was endured and learned there, apparently.

[Anonymous]

I will never be able to trust anyone else the way I trusted him — not because I think everyone is a liar and a cheater who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves, but because I’m more fragile now and need to wear an emotional suit of armor the rest of my life because I no longer trust my own judgment.

I feel this way too. For me it was not just one person in my life who betrayed me but several -- two people who cheated but then a number of "friends" who helped conceal it or, in several instances, claimed they wanted to protect me from the truth. There was over a year of gaslighting from about a half dozen people in my life. And real gaslighting -- I was struggling with mental health during that year and paranoid, as I felt that something was not right and that people were talking about me behind my back. I could just sense it. And when I'd bring it up, they would talk to me like a child who was overreacting to something, deny point blank that anyone had discussed me when I wasn't around, even accused me of being self-centered to think this. When it all came out, I think my rage at being lied to in that way for so long was much greater than my anger over the cheating. The cheating almost felt beside the point by then.

I am a different person now. I have a therapist I confide in but I do not allow myself to get close to other people and I do not show vulnerability to them. I feel that any vulnerability I show will be used against me or exploited. I am not sure my mental health would survive it again. I have made my circle intentionally small and even that group I keep at arms length.

I am not sure I'll ever have a 24 hour period in which I don't think about this incident on some level. That's my goal though. I have a milestone birthday coming up in almost two years and my goal is to give myself freedom from this ugly thing that happened. I'm trying out hobbies, volunteering, planning a big trip for myself, and pouring myself into motherhood with the goal that by the time this birthday comes, I'll be able to go at least a single day without thinking about, and feeling defined by, this horrible thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On month 3 and think about it every day still. Wake up some nights thinking about it.

More than twenty years and it still rises. DCUM makes it worse.

As requested by 08:51, yes, we’re still together and there have been months or maybe even a year when I didn’t think about it at all before something reminds me.

[Anonymous]

OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. My life was upended by spousal betrayal 5.5 years ago. I’m lucky though; he only tried to gaslight me for about a minute before he just admitted it. Then it was trickle truth for a few months.

For a year he had refused to spend time with me, barely spoke to me, and would demean me when he did. He was mad that he was miserable and I wasn’t, thanks to his midlife crisis. We’d gone to couples counseling, but he had never confessed that he and a colleague were in love.

I really was traumatized when I found out, and suffered subsequent mini traumas every time he’d fall to a new low (such as telling the kids about his girlfriend while I was out of state, caring for my dying father, without the courtesy of giving me a heads up; or his failing to tell me or the kids that his girlfriend had moved in with him; or the fact that he has declined to have any custody of the kids at all). I’m angry with myself that at every stage I overestimated how good of a person he was. I just couldn’t accept that the man I had married was gone and that the man I was now dealing with was a complete stranger and a total a$$hole.

It took me several years to heal, with the aid of therapy and anti depressants. It took nearly 5 years until I could even contemplate the mere *possibility* of dating in the future. I’m still not ready to date. I feel ashamed and degraded by the sexual encounters I had with him when I was trying to save our marriage. I feel stupid for pretending to be into sex with him when he was so cruel to me. I feel sick thinking about the fact that he can remember those encounters too and they probably brought him pleasure. I’m humiliated that I sat in couples counseling and begged him just to be as nice to me as he was to his coworkers or our neighbors. How painful it is to admit that I was willing to settle for so little and forgive so much — especially because he still spurned me!

[b]I will never be able to trust anyone else the way I trusted him — not because I think everyone is a liar and a cheater who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves, but because I’m more fragile now and need to wear an emotional suit of armor the rest of my life because I no longer trust my own judgment.

I feel the worst about what this did to my kids. My DD10 obviously could see that I was traumatized and she became exceptionally clingy. She needed to be within arm’s length at all times and touching me most of the time that first year. She must have been so scared. She’ll carry this experience with her. I feel so much guilt about that, even though she seems happy and well adjusted now.

+1 It was such an eye opener to me that I can no longer operate under the assumptions that humans are good and kind and tell the truth. In the early days, my perception of people was so warped. I'd ask a coworker what they did over the weekend then wonder if they were lying to me.

Very similar. My dad was dying and I was very very close to my dad. I was so sad and depressed—but keeping a stiff upper lip. And during that time I never stopped having sex with him while he was going through his severe midlife crisis and self-hate. I also get so pissed to find out there was someone on the side and threw up when I found out my own health was violated in that manner. It’s such a violating feeling.