Betrayal trauma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

I’m the 20+ year poster who’s still in the relationship. Yes, you absolutely can recover the feelings you remember. It didn’t take too long in fact. If your case is anything like mine, it wasn’t being shot because it wasn’t an attack on me. Maybe he just felt a craving for sex he couldn’t control. Maybe he did it for a few months and then felt so guilty he confessed and repented and has been transparently committed from then on. Well, that’s my story, and if yours is anything like it then you’ll get through it. I don’t think of the betrayal as a crime, just as a mistake made out of weakness.

OP:
Thank you for this.
Spouse had been carrying on for about a year and a half and lying throughout, it’s the lies that I’m having the most trouble getting over.
I know how feelings for another can develop quickly and come out of nowhere for someone, it can feel so good and become so addictive but toying with the person who has committed to you sort of feels like it’s bordering on unforgivable.

Upon being caught they said that they were just about to end it with the AP because things between us had become so great and it wasn’t going anywhere anyway, but I’m sort of having a hard time believing that.

PP. I’m sorry, that sounds hard. In my case the confession was spontaneous and the remorse clear and heartfelt. I’d be willing to give your DH the benefit of the doubt that he might have been about to end it, but his actions will hint at whether that is true. Things like total transparency, no further contact, no sign of resentment of you, etc. I know the lies hurt, they really hurt, but what he did wasn’t supposed to hurt you, he is just selfish and weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

I’m the 20+ year poster who’s still in the relationship. Yes, you absolutely can recover the feelings you remember. It didn’t take too long in fact. If your case is anything like mine, it wasn’t being shot because it wasn’t an attack on me. Maybe he just felt a craving for sex he couldn’t control. Maybe he did it for a few months and then felt so guilty he confessed and repented and has been transparently committed from then on. Well, that’s my story, and if yours is anything like it then you’ll get through it. I don’t think of the betrayal as a crime, just as a mistake made out of weakness.

OP:
Thank you for this.
Spouse had been carrying on for about a year and a half and lying throughout, it’s the lies that I’m having the most trouble getting over.
I know how feelings for another can develop quickly and come out of nowhere for someone, it can feel so good and become so addictive but toying with the person who has committed to you sort of feels like it’s bordering on unforgivable.

Upon being caught they said that they were just about to end it with the AP because things between us had become so great and it wasn’t going anywhere anyway, but I’m sort of having a hard time believing that.

Are you the OP of this post? You both had emotional affairs?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/1157676.page#25836786

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who cheat even when having sex with their spouses are scumbags. That must be hurtful beyond words And people who cheat because their spouses are not having sex with them, then the spouses are partly responsible.

How about this one.He withholds sex from spouse because of his ED, many discussions, she tries not to pressure him and be ok with sex only a few times per year with his med, then she finds out he’s had a side piece for a very long time. So he’s has his great time AND prevented her from normal intimacy and exposed her during the betrayal. Is there a special category for this guy?

Scumbag+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who cheat even when having sex with their spouses are scumbags. That must be hurtful beyond words And people who cheat because their spouses are not having sex with them, then the spouses are partly responsible.

How about this one.He withholds sex from spouse because of his ED, many discussions, she tries not to pressure him and be ok with sex only a few times per year with his med, then she finds out he’s had a side piece for a very long time. So he’s has his great time AND prevented her from normal intimacy and exposed her during the betrayal. Is there a special category for this guy?

Scumbag+

My ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who cheat even when having sex with their spouses are scumbags. That must be hurtful beyond words And people who cheat because their spouses are not having sex with them, then the spouses are partly responsible.

How about this one.He withholds sex from spouse because of his ED, many discussions, she tries not to pressure him and be ok with sex only a few times per year with his med, then she finds out he’s had a side piece for a very long time. So he’s has his great time AND prevented her from normal intimacy and exposed her during the betrayal. Is there a special category for this guy?

This was my ex, too

How much weight did you gain?

[Anonymous]

for me it's the gaslighting. Which is also a part of minimizing. Which many of you are doing on this thread. Which adds to the crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:for me it's the gaslighting. Which is also a part of minimizing. Which many of you are doing on this thread. Which adds to the crazy.

Could you give an example of minimizing you see here?
No snark

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read it takes half the length of the relationship. I found that to be close. Took me a bit longer.

This rings true for me as well. I’m almost at 6 years and just starting to feel better. It’s taken longer because post divorce abuse is real and it’s done a number on me. When you’re unable to separate from them- even after the trauma- and they prolong it by keeping you in court for years on end it is like a scab that gets picked daily. It’s exhausting trying to heal from it while knowing the same person who destroyed every shred of sense that you had is now obsessed with destroying you while acting like a victim. The disconnect is so deep it’s actually physically rattling. I had no idea how much work it would take.
Highly recommend ketamine therapy. It was my final game changer is breaking the hurt and the trauma bond .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read it takes half the length of the relationship. I found that to be close. Took me a bit longer.

This rings true for me as well. I’m almost at 6 years and just starting to feel better. It’s taken longer because post divorce abuse is real and it’s done a number on me. When you’re unable to separate from them- even after the trauma- and they prolong it by keeping you in court for years on end it is like a scab that gets picked daily. It’s exhausting trying to heal from it while knowing the same person who destroyed every shred of sense that you had is now obsessed with destroying you while acting like a victim. The disconnect is so deep it’s actually physically rattling. I had no idea how much work it would take.
Highly recommend ketamine therapy. It was my final game changer is breaking the hurt and the trauma bond .

How do you feel now towards him? What concrete steps did you take to break the bond post divorce? Any specific emotional realizations that helped you move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

This comment is obnoxious in so many ways I don't know where to start.

It could have been written by my ex’s ex-AP. She hated her husband, hated her parents and was so self-centered she could not fathom why a person would be so upset about a long affair.

It’s so strange that people go so crazy on anyone who sees life in a different way and accuse them of being APs.

[Anonymous]

I'm on year 4 and I DTMF, that helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read it takes half the length of the relationship. I found that to be close. Took me a bit longer.

This rings true for me as well. I’m almost at 6 years and just starting to feel better. It’s taken longer because post divorce abuse is real and it’s done a number on me. When you’re unable to separate from them- even after the trauma- and they prolong it by keeping you in court for years on end it is like a scab that gets picked daily. It’s exhausting trying to heal from it while knowing the same person who destroyed every shred of sense that you had is now obsessed with destroying you while acting like a victim. The disconnect is so deep it’s actually physically rattling. I had no idea how much work it would take.
Highly recommend ketamine therapy. It was my final game changer is breaking the hurt and the trauma bond .

Can you say more about the ketamine therapy? Did it break the circular Sparling thought pattern? How many times did you do it?
From what I read it’s like a car wash for your brain.

[Anonymous]

I am one year in and clearly have a way to go. He chose to leave our 20 year relationship, so we are separated.

So many of these posts spoke to me. The initial six months in particular were brutal, I could feel actual physical pain in my chest. One year later, I can feel things improving. There is still not a day that goes by when I don't think about it several times a day. OP, I felt something similar to what you said about being shot - he ran me over with a truck. But the pendulum is slowly swinging from feeling I had failed to realizing that he has. He has chosen to move on with life, which includes leaving our children who are in elementary and middle school. So through this, I have tried to hold on to my job, keep the ship stable for my kids, and just keep my head above water. I did, and so will you. Anti-anxiety meds have been helpful. I send you and all other PPs love and solidarity.

To PPs who have made dismissive comments, I am confused by your objective here - other than piling on upon people, mostly women, who are sharing about a traumatic turning point in their lives. This is not just about sex. This is about intentional manipulation of your mind, lying, gaslighting over a LONG time. You know something is off, you try to ask or address, and you are given this fake narrative of your own life. I also knotted myself into pretzels like one PP trying to make things "right." All along one party has very different knowledge and keeps it from you.

Counting down to the 3-5 years. OP, don't allow yourself to just be taken along, of course try to make it work if he is making amends, just put yourself first this time.

[Anonymous]

OP never said if they were DH or DW.
Never said if it was EA or PA.
Never said if they also cheated.

A lot of people are assuming that OP is a DW who went through a PA, it’s not clear that is the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one year in and clearly have a way to go. He chose to leave our 20 year relationship, so we are separated.

So many of these posts spoke to me. The initial six months in particular were brutal, I could feel actual physical pain in my chest. One year later, I can feel things improving. There is still not a day that goes by when I don't think about it several times a day. OP, I felt something similar to what you said about being shot - he ran me over with a truck. But the pendulum is slowly swinging from feeling I had failed to realizing that he has. He has chosen to move on with life, which includes leaving our children who are in elementary and middle school. So through this, I have tried to hold on to my job, keep the ship stable for my kids, and just keep my head above water. I did, and so will you. Anti-anxiety meds have been helpful. I send you and all other PPs love and solidarity.

To PPs who have made dismissive comments, I am confused by your objective here - other than piling on upon people, mostly women, who are sharing about a traumatic turning point in their lives. This is not just about sex. This is about intentional manipulation of your mind, lying, gaslighting over a LONG time. You know something is off, you try to ask or address, and you are given this fake narrative of your own life. I also knotted myself into pretzels like one PP trying to make things "right." All along one party has very different knowledge and keeps it from you.

Counting down to the 3-5 years. OP, don't allow yourself to just be taken along, of course try to make it work if he is making amends, just put yourself first this time.

So 3-5 years to heal?