Betrayal trauma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

I won’t lie. You will be forever changed by it. I am not the outgoing, happy go lucky person I once was. I got paranoid and I lost a lot of friends because I stopped socializing the year after and I always feel like I’m hiding this big dirty secret which is so against my honest transparent nature——all to protect my kids which neither of the married cheaters did or thought about. The fact I was still having sec and the marriage appeared good was even harder to deal with.

I lost a lot of joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

I won’t lie. You will be forever changed by it. I am not the outgoing, happy go lucky person I once was. I got paranoid and I lost a lot of friends because I stopped socializing the year after and I always feel like I’m hiding this big dirty secret which is so against my honest transparent nature——all to protect my kids which neither of the married cheaters did or thought about. The fact I was still having sec and the marriage appeared good was even harder to deal with.

I lost a lot of joy.

Same. I’m a total straight arrow and find it repulsive that I am involved in keeping someone else’s dirty secret, but I know that if I blab all over town, it makes me look like the crazy woman scorned and only serves to hurt other innocent people. I really resent him for introducing tawdriness into my life. And it’s so cliche! I never wanted to be in a soap opera.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: thank you all for sharing. Reading your responses kinda scares me. If I’m going to be dealing with this awful pile of trash for the foreseeable future I wonder if I can even come close to recovering feelings for my spouse?

Day to day I like my spouse, we get along well but it feels like I’m living with someone who shot me…sure the gun has been taken away but they still shot me. I’m hanging out with someone who was awful and it’s like I’m now betraying myself. I suppose healing or something like it will come once I’m able to separate the crime from the criminal.
Make sense?

I won’t lie. You will be forever changed by it. I am not the outgoing, happy go lucky person I once was. I got paranoid and I lost a lot of friends because I stopped socializing the year after and I always feel like I’m hiding this big dirty secret which is so against my honest transparent nature——all to protect my kids which neither of the married cheaters did or thought about. The fact I was still having sec and the marriage appeared good was even harder to deal with.

I lost a lot of joy.

Same. I’m a total straight arrow and find it repulsive that I am involved in keeping someone else’s dirty secret, but I know that if I blab all over town, it makes me look like the crazy woman scorned and only serves to hurt other innocent people. I really resent him for introducing tawdriness into my life. And it’s so cliche! I never wanted to be in a soap opera.

Omg!!! Yes!! It’s so gdamn Jerry Springer.

[Anonymous]

I was 50 with zero mental health issues my entire life. It messed me up so bad I went on antidepressants. I lost 15 pounds on an already thin body in 2 weeks and literally didn’t sleep for a month because I’d have horrible horrible night mental movies and ruminate. It was brutal.

It never completely goes away. At 3.5 years I’m about 65% better than then.

[Anonymous]

OP, a friend went through an unthinkable betrayal. Worse than an affair and I won’t go into details to maintain her anonymity. But she has happiness and a full life. And it only happened a couple of years ago.

Sure, she has rough moments but those are few and far between. Live for yourself and your kids. You will be happy again.

Do you have a good support system?

[Anonymous]

I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I am wired differently but you can't control the actions of another person. To be bent out of shape for months come on now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I am wired differently but you can't control the actions of another person. To be bent out of shape for months come on now.

Maybe there is something wrong with the way you're wired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

This comment is obnoxious in so many ways I don't know where to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

This comment is obnoxious in so many ways I don't know where to start.

Not all of us want to wrap our worth and health around one single person who may or may not keep a promise they made to us years ago. Doesn’t make us obnoxious, just realists.

[Anonymous]

Ok…I get that being cheated on I imagine-really really hurts. But this seems…over the top?

Honestly-I’d be more upset if my spouse was a gambler or something and used up our kids’ college funds or put our house in jeopardy etc…to be this upset about a spouse cheating just seems very frantic.

I would be upset, of course. But this happens all the time. And like someone else said-I have confidence and love for myself that I know I’d be able to come through it and live my life regardless.

It sounds like maybe you already didn’t love yourself and were only “happy” because someone else loved you. And this also happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

You guys don't get it. It's not just the cheating. It's the lying, sneaking around. It's other people finding out before you do and talking about it behind your back while you walk around totally unaware and people say "wow she's so clueless" behind your back.

I can imagine a cheating scenario where it really is "just" cheating. A very discrete fling or a one night stand or even a series of one night stands, where no one else knows and you work through it as a couple and it hurts but doesn't upend your whole world.

But people on this thread aren't talking about that kind of infidelity. They are talking about betrayal. Like your DH had a three year affair with his ex-girlfriend who is now pregnant. That kind of betrayal. The kind you don't move on from quickly. The kind that results in you waking up like a year later and remembering a dinner party you went to and realizing that your host knew about the affair and the pregnancy and was so nice to you but also said nothing and you just sat their oblivious, looking like a total idiot.

The actual act of cheating is really just the half of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

As an independent career woman who anyone that knows me has said I don’t put up with sh@t and they joke how I’d toss my husband out immediately….

Reality is so different when you go through this. It is absolutely nothing like you thought or would believe. NOTHING. Is not the “wife thing”, it’s not an identity problem it’s a wound a deep deep wound and your universe literally is upside down and you no longer trust those strong instincts of yours. You don’t believe anyone anymore—it makes you paranoid—even among friends.

Movies and books do not portray it. When you have kids to protect and think about it’s even harder. It’s like how you have zero idea what being a parent is like until you are in it,,,and you have had to deal with a heartbreaking diagnosis of a child or tried to protect them. You know as a non-parent what you think you would do: but you can’t fathom all the emotions, etc.

Anyone who says “I’ve never been cheated on, but..”, please, just stop right there. Don’t go on. And, for the record, I was saying “I’ve never been cheated on” when I was actually being cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who cheat even when having sex with their spouses are scumbags. That must be hurtful beyond words And people who cheat because their spouses are not having sex with them, then the spouses are partly responsible.

How about this one.He withholds sex from spouse because of his ED, many discussions, she tries not to pressure him and be ok with sex only a few times per year with his med, then she finds out he’s had a side piece for a very long time. So he’s has his great time AND prevented her from normal intimacy and exposed her during the betrayal. Is there a special category for this guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad reading all of this. I have never been cheated on by my spouse that I know of. But it really feels like something is off with our society and probably women’s perceptions of their marriages as the be all, end all of their lives and worth.

I have a friend that once put it to me like this: “I love my husband with all my heart. But I’m not blind enough to think that one day he could cheat, or leave, or let me down in some way. Anyone could do this, even the ones that seem to be of solid character. But it’s my job as a woman and a friend to myself to know my worth, and to carry on if he lets me down.” Or something like that.

I’m not trying to blame women who were cheated on for how they feel. I just try to live my life thinking, my DH, despite my love for him, is human and fallible. Life takes all kinds of turns and we really have to be ready for them. To think that every man will remain faithful to every woman they made that promise to is obviously crazy. We know that as humans we simply can’t do this. Millions and millions of both women and men get cheated on, and millions and millions of women and men make themselves ill with worry and heartbreak.

I really think it’s time we compassionately allow ourselves to acknowledge that things won’t always work out, and that we will be ok in spite of it. The alternative is a heartbroken and ill half of the population. And that too much.

This comment is obnoxious in so many ways I don't know where to start.

Not all of us want to wrap our worth and health around one single person who may or may not keep a promise they made to us years ago. Doesn’t make us obnoxious, just realists.

PP here and I am not a betrayed spouse. You are obnoxious, and not a realist, because if you were a realist you would know that life has a way of humbling you and it's foolhardy to think you would respond better than these women have.