Betrayal trauma

[Anonymous]

I wanted to know everything about the affairs because I wanted to have a full understanding of the kind of marriage I was in before I decided to stay in it or not.

My now ex DH pretend to be remorseful and tell me about everything and go to marital therapy, but in therapy, he told enormous lies about his extra-marital sexual activity. And so, he made everything worse instead of better. I think he really believed I would figure it out, and he seemed truly shocked when I ended our marriage.

I deserve better (we all deserve better) than someone who will manipulate me into staying in a relationship on terms (non-monogamy) that I explicitly rejected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am 4 months in, after 24 years together. And I want to try to work on our marriage (we are in couples therapy)but he is tired of my tears and anger and although he’s sorry for the EA he won’t say he will do anything to make the marriage work. He says our marriage was terrible before. I suspect he’ll leave soon. That is like being stabbed again. First a year long EA, lying and deceiving me over and over again (while I was begging him to work on our marriage because he was being so awful to me), then he says he can’t take any more of my anger and pain, and now he’s dancing around what I already know he’s going to do. So I get betrayed and then dumped.

I can’t stop shaking, no sleep, down 4 dress sizes in 4 months. Life sucks.

PP, I am so sorry and sending you hugs. What a double whammy too.

How convenient for him that your pain and hurt are the problem here! It is often said that the betraying partner has to come up with all sorts of justifications to vilify the person they are cheating on. My cheating ex came up with the same sort of "our marriage never worked" talk when it had never been mentioned as an issue before.

I did find the suggestions to grey rock and do the 180 helpful. In the early stages it seems impossible but seriously try it. And not as a means to win him back but to show love to yourself. Hope you have some emotional support.

https://kellyjnickel.com/grey-rocking-a-powerful-strategy-for-coping-with-betrayal-trauma/

PP here. He told me last night over the phone that he is leaving me. And when I told him to get out of the house before I get home today (I'm traveling internationally for work) he got MAD. What a shit show. 2 AM my time and he was screaming at me about money, and how I'm going to turn the kids against him, and how our marriage was toxic. Apparently for 24 years, so it was never good? I was calm, but told him his life is going to change in ways he can't even imagine, because the kids (in college, but still) will be with me on holidays, in our house, with the traditions I created and nurtured, and he will be in his little apartment fuming over how I screwed him over. Then he said he'll force me to sell the house or buy him out. Okay .... fun times.

[Anonymous]

Look I know it is painful to think about but in some situations the idea that the marriage never worked is true for one or both partners. Marriages don’t end in affairs and divorce because it was working great the whole time. The problem usually lies in the one who steps out but it’s disingenuous to attribute 100% of a marriages problems to one party without looking at the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look I know it is painful to think about but in some situations the idea that the marriage never worked is true for one or both partners. Marriages don’t end in affairs and divorce because it was working great the whole time. The problem usually lies in the one who steps out but it’s disingenuous to attribute 100% of a marriages problems to one party without looking at the dynamic.

Don’t disagree. But lying to your spouse is super shitty. Come clean and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look I know it is painful to think about but in some situations the idea that the marriage never worked is true for one or both partners. Marriages don’t end in affairs and divorce because it was working great the whole time. The problem usually lies in the one who steps out but it’s disingenuous to attribute 100% of a marriages problems to one party without looking at the dynamic.

Don’t disagree. But lying to your spouse is super shitty. Come clean and leave.

+1 All marriages have ups and downs and stresses in life to handle. It’s unrealistic to think it can even go “great the whole time.” Escaping to someone else and turning against an unknowing spouse to justify it blows up lives for entire families and is sh*tty and cowardly behavior. Talk and fix or part ways first.

[Anonymous]

They don't leave because they want to use you. Its one thing to be unhappy and leave. Its another to allow someone else to live a false life with you.

[Anonymous]

So my ex cheated with my best friend. The betrayal was so deep and wounding. Now they are married. Thankfully, I met a wonderful new partner and re-married.

The intense pain lasted for probably a good five years and the residual (having to see them together at events for the children) hurt is always under the surface. Betrayal by two people I trusted (and I was confiding in my bf the whole time) was brutal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my ex cheated with my best friend. The betrayal was so deep and wounding. Now they are married. Thankfully, I met a wonderful new partner and re-married.

The intense pain lasted for probably a good five years and the residual (having to see them together at events for the children) hurt is always under the surface. Betrayal by two people I trusted (and I was confiding in my bf the whole time) was brutal.

I’m so sorry, PP. Same scenario here. It’s the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I'm really sorry, but if you spend any amount of time in groups for the betrayed (survivinginfidelity.com, several subreddits), you will quickly learn that a very very vast majority of the time, if not every time, two grown adults who are engaging in affair behaviors are not just kissing. Every poster I've ever followed comes back months, sometimes even years, later with DDay #2 devasted that it actually wasn't "just kissing". It is especially true when they are in a car, hotel, the other woman's home, or in a different city where they can be anonymous.

Hmm… I really think it depends. I was in an EA that I 100% consider infidelity but there was no physical aspect to it. But that was because of my boundaries, as the female partner. I am sure the man I had that relationship with has moved on and probably found someone else. He seemed so desperate/enthusiastic. To this day I wonder if he was telling the truth about his marriage or just blowing smoke at me. I don’t know what would happen if he actually got caught.

[Anonymous]

I know it’s nothing like being a betrayed spouse, but I feel something like betrayal for liking SIL who cheated on my brother and also a similar feeling toward friends husband who cheated on her. I thought they were great people but they lied to everyone for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Even after improving the relationship there’s just no attraction, don’t know if that’s fixable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my ex cheated with my best friend. The betrayal was so deep and wounding. Now they are married. Thankfully, I met a wonderful new partner and re-married.

The intense pain lasted for probably a good five years and the residual (having to see them together at events for the children) hurt is always under the surface. Betrayal by two people I trusted (and I was confiding in my bf the whole time) was brutal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my ex cheated with my best friend. The betrayal was so deep and wounding. Now they are married. Thankfully, I met a wonderful new partner and re-married.

The intense pain lasted for probably a good five years and the residual (having to see them together at events for the children) hurt is always under the surface. Betrayal by two people I trusted (and I was confiding in my bf the whole time) was brutal.

Awful. Betrayal from my best friend would cut me so much deeper than even my spouse. I’m sorry pp.