Thought I was being ghosted after sex- but he texted- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

I went on 5 terrific dates with a really nice guy (we're both 40 and divorced), and after the 5th, he spent the night. He sent me a really nice message the next day and we talked on the phone daily afterward. We had planned to watch the Super Bowl together last night. I sent him a text on Saturday at 1pm and he never replied. I actually thought I was being ghosted.

Finally, he replied at 4pm yesterday (2 hours before the game), and said, "Hey I'm very sorry I missed you today, been drowned in this work emergency and trying to get everyone through it. I'll have the game on and being thinking of you tonight."

He founded a start-up company which I know can be crazy, and he did mention a work issue a few days prior, so I think it's legit. But don't appreciate the lack of communication.

I haven't responded yet. I do like him, but don't want to be taken for granted- especially so early on in the dating process and RIGHT after we slept together for the first time. How would you respond?

[Anonymous]

With kindness and understanding. Sounds legit. You won't know if he's going to stick around unless you give it more time. You sound nervous tho; if you equate sex with exclusivity (and some people do, I am one of them); I'd have that talk now to manage our own expectations going forward. Also wondering if you've been ghosted before; one day is not long to be out of touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With kindness and understanding. Sounds legit. You won't know if he's going to stick around unless you give it more time. You sound nervous tho; if you equate sex with exclusivity (and some people do, I am one of them); I'd have that talk now to manage our own expectations going forward. Also wondering if you've been ghosted before; one day is not long to be out of touch.

OP: Thanks. I haven't been ghosted before but I am recently out of a relationship with a toxic person, so my guard is up for sure. One day is not too long, but we had previously been in constant communication and we had upcoming plans. He essentially cancelled on very short notice.

[Anonymous]

I would give him the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like he was attentive after you slept together, but went 24 hours without replying to your text confirming plans? Is it possible he did have a work emergency? I would probably go out with again and see what happens. I don't think you have anything to lose if you really like him. I wouldn't put up with this if it happens again though.

[Anonymous]

I would prepare myself that he may be super flighty/married/a tinder swindler but it s reasonable to be low key and give him another chance (one only) if you like him, as long as you go in knowing there’s a 15% chance he is absolutely FOS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would prepare myself that he may be super flighty/married/a tinder swindler but it s reasonable to be low key and give him another chance (one only) if you like him, as long as you go in knowing there’s a 15% chance he is absolutely FOS.

OP: so what would you text back? Something like, "Hey I understand. Hope all worked out." ?

[Anonymous]

No. OP, this is a bad sign. Sounds like you had solid plans and he didn’t have the courtesy to provide notice (if he was busy he would’ve seen a cancel coming…….) and was super casual about it when he did, offering “thoughts of you” during the game? This is giving me player vibes, and I’d drop him if I were you. It probably won’t get better but if you want to find out, don’t respond to his text and see what he does. If he asks what’s up, tell him why you went MIA. His response to that will let you know if he’s worth another second of your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. OP, this is a bad sign. Sounds like you had solid plans and he didn’t have the courtesy to provide notice (if he was busy he would’ve seen a cancel coming…….) and was super casual about it when he did, offering “thoughts of you” during the game? This is giving me player vibes, and I’d drop him if I were you. It probably won’t get better but if you want to find out, don’t respond to his text and see what he does. If he asks what’s up, tell him why you went MIA. His response to that will let you know if he’s worth another second of your time.

OP: I guess this is why I'm confused. I obviously don't want to be taken advantage of. But want to be understanding if it's legit/was unavoidable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. OP, this is a bad sign. Sounds like you had solid plans and he didn’t have the courtesy to provide notice (if he was busy he would’ve seen a cancel coming…….) and was super casual about it when he did, offering “thoughts of you” during the game? This is giving me player vibes, and I’d drop him if I were you. It probably won’t get better but if you want to find out, don’t respond to his text and see what he does. If he asks what’s up, tell him why you went MIA. His response to that will let you know if he’s worth another second of your time.

OP: I guess this is why I'm confused. I obviously don't want to be taken advantage of. But want to be understanding if it's legit/was unavoidable.

Here's the good news; you don't have to have a crystal ball. I'd text back what you mentioned and let him take it from there. He will declare himself eventually.

If you're just out of a relationship with a toxic person (and I'm sorry for that experience), use what you learned going forward. You got a wonky vibe from this guy about this particular issue. OK. See how it plays out going forward. One time is a one-off. Twice is warning. Three times is pattern and you move on.

Remember to stay busy and communicate clearly. Both of these help.

[Anonymous]

Agree, sounds legit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. OP, this is a bad sign. Sounds like you had solid plans and he didn’t have the courtesy to provide notice (if he was busy he would’ve seen a cancel coming…….) and was super casual about it when he did, offering “thoughts of you” during the game? This is giving me player vibes, and I’d drop him if I were you. It probably won’t get better but if you want to find out, don’t respond to his text and see what he does. If he asks what’s up, tell him why you went MIA. His response to that will let you know if he’s worth another second of your time.

I agree with this. Not because I'm needy and requires so much assurance but because it takes literally 4 seconds to text the OP back at 1:05 pm yesterday -- moments after she texted -- and say "swamped, sorry, blah blah ..." Maybe 3 seconds?

And when people just can't bring themselves to expend 3 seconds of energy in a TIMELY way, that's not a good sign.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

[Anonymous]

I call BS. He didn't want to contact you. Being busy is just an excuse.
What people usually do when something comes up and they have plans with you - they let you know the minute it happens and they try to do everything to keep the plan still going.

Men's actually care to show that they care around birthdays and holidays, especially in the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would prepare myself that he may be super flighty/married/a tinder swindler but it s reasonable to be low key and give him another chance (one only) if you like him, as long as you go in knowing there’s a 15% chance he is absolutely FOS.

OP: so what would you text back? Something like, "Hey I understand. Hope all worked out." ?

I would just text the "Hope all worked out" and not the "Hey I understand." I don't care how busy he is, he's not too busy to send a two second text saying that he won't be able to do the plans you had.

The problem is it's hard to say *that* without sounding like a lunatic - like, we're not allowed to get mad early in a relationship because only crazy people are mad when someone totally flakes on them after you've had sex for the first time. (Argh.) But yeah, I would want to make sure that it's established that his work emergency doesn't mean you're left hanging.

Do you want to see him again? It takes time to build trust after getting out of a bad relationship. If you think he's worth it, do you feel comfortable telling him that you've had this previous experience, and it's given you a bit of a feather trigger now - and that you just need some extra care wrt plans and what not because of that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call BS. He didn't want to contact you. Being busy is just an excuse.
What people usually do when something comes up and they have plans with you - they let you know the minute it happens and they try to do everything to keep the plan still going.

Men's actually care to show that they care around birthdays and holidays, especially in the beginning.

Ugh, sorry for the typos.

OP - you can be graceful and continue to talk to him, but I'd avoid mentioning anything about his lame excuse. I do have a feeling this will not be an isolated moment of being too busy to text.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like Plan A for the game fell into place.