Thought I was being ghosted after sex- but he texted- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

You are sure he's even separated? Sounds like he cheated on his wife...I mean in VA he definitely committed adultry since he's still married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he is just separated, not divorced yet?

OP: yes, apparently they have filed for divorce but it isn't finalized yet. He moved out 6 months ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are sure he's even separated? Sounds like he cheated on his wife...I mean in VA he definitely committed adultry since he's still married.

OP: I was at his place and he definitely lives alone. He said there was no infidelity on either part, but I guess he could be lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. As far as an update, he called me on Valentine's Day late afternoon. He asked me out for this past Saturday and we had a great time. However, I sensed a different vibe. We had a conversation and I told him that I wasn't really interested in a casual situation with anyone right now. He said since he is recently separated, he's mostly looking for "friends" and if intimacy happens, it happens.

So, I kept calm and cut him off. I told him no hard feelings, and wish you the best, and am moving on.

I'm a bit sad because we really hit it off and he's a great guy, but obviously the timing is way off.

Good for you. Let this be a lesson to you. Don’t take guys who are still separated. Only date guys whose divorce are final. And if you don’t want to have casual sex, have that conversation before you have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. As far as an update, he called me on Valentine's Day late afternoon. He asked me out for this past Saturday and we had a great time. However, I sensed a different vibe. We had a conversation and I told him that I wasn't really interested in a casual situation with anyone right now. He said since he is recently separated, he's mostly looking for "friends" and if intimacy happens, it happens.

So, I kept calm and cut him off. I told him no hard feelings, and wish you the best, and am moving on.

I'm a bit sad because we really hit it off and he's a great guy, but obviously the timing is way off.

Good for you. Let this be a lesson to you. Don’t take guys who are still separated. Only date guys whose divorce are final. And if you don’t want to have casual sex, have that conversation before you have sex.

OP: yes, thank you. I have been thinking about that lesson. It sucks because I'm a very sexual person, but I do get hurt when this happens. I just read a book called, "Love Factually" by a researcher and she recommends waiting until two things have been met: 1) the guy brings up exclusivity, and 2) the guy says he loves you.

What do you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. As far as an update, he called me on Valentine's Day late afternoon. He asked me out for this past Saturday and we had a great time. However, I sensed a different vibe. We had a conversation and I told him that I wasn't really interested in a casual situation with anyone right now. He said since he is recently separated, he's mostly looking for "friends" and if intimacy happens, it happens.

So, I kept calm and cut him off. I told him no hard feelings, and wish you the best, and am moving on.

I'm a bit sad because we really hit it off and he's a great guy, but obviously the timing is way off.

Good for you. Let this be a lesson to you. Don’t take guys who are still separated. Only date guys whose divorce are final. And if you don’t want to have casual sex, have that conversation before you have sex.

OP: yes, thank you. I have been thinking about that lesson. It sucks because I'm a very sexual person, but I do get hurt when this happens. I just read a book called, "Love Factually" by a researcher and she recommends waiting until two things have been met: 1) the guy brings up exclusivity, and 2) the guy says he loves you.

What do you think?

DP

Exclusivity at minimum is what I need. Doesn’t matter who brings it up so long as we are on the same page. I think love might be a high bar but I understand needing that if you’ve been hurt in the past. Remember that saying it is cheap though. A man shows his intentions through actions and follow through. For example the exclusivity talk would be followed up by STD testing. More than him saying love I want to be treated well. Everyone has different things they mean by that, for me it’s about communication, quality time, and him going out of his way to do special things just to please me. If you love someone then those things are a joy and not a task.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy who was divorced for 7 years and he pulled the sane BS.

The best thing to do if you’re not interested in casual sex is to wait a couple of months but don’t say why, just tell the guy you’re attracted to him but you’re not ready to have sex yet.

Don’t say that you need exclusivity or he’ll pretend to want to be exclusive.

Dating sucks!

[Anonymous]

Don’t have casual sex if you’re not interested in casual sex.

[Anonymous]

OP, women can't win. If you don't have sex by the 3rd or 4th date, a man won't be interested. But if you have sex with every guy you go on 3 -4 dates with, you're easy and they lose interest. Dating men in DC really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, women can't win. If you don't have sex by the 3rd or 4th date, a man won't be interested. But if you have sex with every guy you go on 3 -4 dates with, you're easy and they lose interest. Dating men in DC really sucks.

THIS

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. The extra information about him being recently separated explains a lot. I'm not sure I would expect for someone who is recently separated and not divorced to be ready for anything more than friendship and casual sex.

A silver lining is that some of your instincts were correct. You sensed he was being a little fickle and/or distancing himself, and your expectations for how a person should behave when they really into you are not unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. As far as an update, he called me on Valentine's Day late afternoon. He asked me out for this past Saturday and we had a great time. However, I sensed a different vibe. We had a conversation and I told him that I wasn't really interested in a casual situation with anyone right now. He said since he is recently separated, he's mostly looking for "friends" and if intimacy happens, it happens.

So, I kept calm and cut him off. I told him no hard feelings, and wish you the best, and am moving on.

I'm a bit sad because we really hit it off and he's a great guy, but obviously the timing is way off.

Good for you. Let this be a lesson to you. Don’t take guys who are still separated. Only date guys whose divorce are final. And if you don’t want to have casual sex, have that conversation before you have sex.

OP: yes, thank you. I have been thinking about that lesson. It sucks because I'm a very sexual person, but I do get hurt when this happens. I just read a book called, "Love Factually" by a researcher and she recommends waiting until two things have been met: 1) the guy brings up exclusivity, and 2) the guy says he loves you.

What do you think?

If I followed that advice, I would have been celibate for like 8 years at this point. I would rather have sex than get a little heartbroken every once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. The extra information about him being recently separated explains a lot. I'm not sure I would expect for someone who is recently separated and not divorced to be ready for anything more than friendship and casual sex.

A silver lining is that some of your instincts were correct. You sensed he was being a little fickle and/or distancing himself, and your expectations for how a person should behave when they really into you are not unreasonable.

OP: I agree! Thanks.