How do resolve - husband I disagree over childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think hiring a night nurse is a sensible compromise. Having 24/7 care for three months probably means hiring three or four baby nurses to cover, which seems excessive.

OP here. I want someone there during the day too so I can spend one on one time with my toddler and not disrupt her routine, etc.

Basically it would allow me to come and go as needed.

I know it is expensive but it'll make the transition so much easier. We can afford it so I don't see what the issue is.

Since money isn't the issue, maybe he doesn't like the idea of strangers underfoot for those first stressful months and I don't blame him for feeling that way.

Also it seems like you feel like a baby is confining and you can't leave the house since you mentioned coming and going as you please. If that's what you need and want, go with formula feeding. This makes taking the baby out so much easier for you. Then just go ahead and get a night nurse for a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

What is a baby nurse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think hiring a night nurse is a sensible compromise. Having 24/7 care for three months probably means hiring three or four baby nurses to cover, which seems excessive.

OP here. I want someone there during the day too so I can spend one on one time with my toddler and not disrupt her routine, etc.

Basically it would allow me to come and go as needed.

I know it is expensive but it'll make the transition so much easier. We can afford it so I don't see what the issue is.

I would really think this through. It seems as if you are just putting off the transition for your toddler. You need to just go to your normal routine from day 1. Take the help at night so you are rested if needed, but I don’t think you’re being logical about this. It’s not a financial issue - all of my friends and I could easily afford that but only one did and it was an awful transition for her toddler once the 24/7 care was gone. To this day her older kids resent her younger ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think hiring a night nurse is a sensible compromise. Having 24/7 care for three months probably means hiring three or four baby nurses to cover, which seems excessive.

I agree with this. If you are not working you could get a 24/7 nurse for the first week and then just a night nurse for the first 3-4 months. That would be amazing already. Is you toddler at home the whole day? If yes maybe you can get a baby sitter for 3 hours in the morning...

[Anonymous]

I think it sucks that the DH is the way he is, but he does not spend his day playing golf either. He probably works very hard and has a very stressful job. If I was working as hard as OP’s husband and my husband was at the gym all day instead of being home with our kids, I would resent him too.
That said, I am all for hiring night help seven days a week if you can afford and maybe also someone for a few hours a week (maybe 15 or so) for the first 3-6 months.
We had night help for the first few months of each of our 3 kids and it was the best investment ever. Saved our marriage I think...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you’re a SAHM who wants to hire 24/7 help for 3 months, I’d balk at that too.

I don’t get this perspective. What are you working for if not to make your life better? The DH works all the time and does no household labor. Fine. What’s the point of this lady killing herself trying to do it all when a part time nanny and night nurse could significantly improve the family’s life? You can’t take the money with you.

OP, do you have an expensive car? Expensive jewelry? Tell him you want to sell it to pay for the night nurse/nanny. I think people who have family support don’t understand how difficult it is to take care of children on your own with zero breaks. It’s exhausting.

I’m the pp you’re replying to. I think 24/7 help for 3 months is absurd, but I’m definitely not arguing that OP shouldn’t hire help. Surely you can see that there’s a lot of leeway between never, ever being alone with your children for the first 3 months of baby #2’s life versus hiring enough help that you get some rest and have help feeding/bathing the children and doing their laundry? I was a SAHM to preterm twins and I had a lot of help, but I wasn’t afraid of spending a single hour alone with my babies.

You were really harsh in your first post and it implied that hiring help was a ridiculous idea. You backtracked ALOT from your original position. I actually think OP would be better off hiring a night nurse a few times a week for a month or 2, and hiring a part time nanny for the rest of the year. This would probably cost the same as 24/7 help for 3 months and be much more useful. She’s still going to need a break when the baby is 3 months old.

I’d love to know how my two posts are inconsistent, because my position hasn’t changed. Three months of 24/7 help is ridiculous. 2-3 weeks of 24/7? Sure. A couple months with either a nanny or night nurse? Sure. But paying people so you can have the equivalent of two SAH parents? Barring medical complications for mom or baby or postpartum mental health issues, why would that be necessary? No matter how much money I had, I’d be questioning that.

[Anonymous]

I’m a breadwinner mom. Like your DH I have to work long hours to earn the money that affords us a nice lifestyle. Like your DH, I earn good money (though less than your DH), but not quit my job type wealth. I imagine your DH has no choice but to work, and you clearly have no interest in leading a frugal lifestyle to allow him to retire earlier. If my DH stayed home and demanded 24/7 help with two healthy children (plus weekly paid housecleaning), I would have no respect for him, and would wonder what exactly he was contributing to our household. I have 4 kids, and have experienced having a baby + toddler (plus older kids!). It is not always easy, but it does not require 24/7 help - you are not caring for someone with cancer. And your DH does not do “nothing” - he pays for every single thing you have. Talk to a single mom if you want to understand what it means to have a dad who does “nothing”. Some help is reasonable, but that level of help is not fair, given that your DH has to work to earn that money. If he was a billionaire who works for fun, sure, hire someone to wipe your butt. But you are not that rich. And LOL that people on DCUM are so out of touch they consider caring for two kids “being a martyr”. In most of the USA and world, not having to work outside the home and caring for only 2 kids while having a weekly housecleaner (plus a $750k lifestyle) would be considered living in the lap of luxury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a breadwinner mom. Like your DH I have to work long hours to earn the money that affords us a nice lifestyle. Like your DH, I earn good money (though less than your DH), but not quit my job type wealth. I imagine your DH has no choice but to work, and you clearly have no interest in leading a frugal lifestyle to allow him to retire earlier. If my DH stayed home and demanded 24/7 help with two healthy children (plus weekly paid housecleaning), I would have no respect for him, and would wonder what exactly he was contributing to our household. I have 4 kids, and have experienced having a baby + toddler (plus older kids!). It is not always easy, but it does not require 24/7 help - you are not caring for someone with cancer. And your DH does not do “nothing” - he pays for every single thing you have. Talk to a single mom if you want to understand what it means to have a dad who does “nothing”. Some help is reasonable, but that level of help is not fair, given that your DH has to work to earn that money. If he was a billionaire who works for fun, sure, hire someone to wipe your butt. But you are not that rich. And LOL that people on DCUM are so out of touch they consider caring for two kids “being a martyr”. In most of the USA and world, not having to work outside the home and caring for only 2 kids while having a weekly housecleaner (plus a $750k lifestyle) would be considered living in the lap of luxury.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a breadwinner mom. Like your DH I have to work long hours to earn the money that affords us a nice lifestyle. Like your DH, I earn good money (though less than your DH), but not quit my job type wealth. I imagine your DH has no choice but to work, and you clearly have no interest in leading a frugal lifestyle to allow him to retire earlier. If my DH stayed home and demanded 24/7 help with two healthy children (plus weekly paid housecleaning), I would have no respect for him, and would wonder what exactly he was contributing to our household. I have 4 kids, and have experienced having a baby + toddler (plus older kids!). It is not always easy, but it does not require 24/7 help - you are not caring for someone with cancer. And your DH does not do “nothing” - he pays for every single thing you have. Talk to a single mom if you want to understand what it means to have a dad who does “nothing”. Some help is reasonable, but that level of help is not fair, given that your DH has to work to earn that money. If he was a billionaire who works for fun, sure, hire someone to wipe your butt. But you are not that rich. And LOL that people on DCUM are so out of touch they consider caring for two kids “being a martyr”. In most of the USA and world, not having to work outside the home and caring for only 2 kids while having a weekly housecleaner (plus a $750k lifestyle) would be considered living in the lap of luxury.

This.

I agree with all this too.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster who said: where else in the world do you leave a woman who just had a newborn completely alone? It sounds like she has no other help and a solution that would help her quite a bit would be to have 3 months of 24/7 help. Sounds like they can afford it, sounds reasonable to me.

Sounds like the husband may not be appreciating how much work it can be to have kids. OP, do you get paid vacation? Do you get paid sick days? I assume your husband does. Maybe you should book yourself a nice 6 week vacation and have your husband take time off work to cover you and maybe he will change his tune.

This is ridiculous and I would be pissed if I were her.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP—we also have a very high HHI and had our third child earlier this year. We had a night nurse for anywhere from 3 to 6 nights a week. The baby would do amazing with the night nurse—wake just once a night. Then on nights where he slept next to my bed he would wake multiple times and I’d be exhausted. So personally I think if you can afford it you should do a night nurse every night. A good night’s sleep is worth it. I also had childcare Monday-Thursday (already arranged as I work) but think I was fairly present with my older kids. I don’t really see a problem with your desired arrangement as long as you are really spending a lot of time with your kids one-on-one rather than just going out to get your nails done and such. My husband was all for my being well-rested and also refused to get up at all for the baby—he’s an awesome dad but his thought was waking up at night would mean he’d be less productive the next day and lose way more $$$ of productivity than the cost of a night nurse. I guess that’s not how your husband feels though ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP—we also have a very high HHI and had our third child earlier this year. We had a night nurse for anywhere from 3 to 6 nights a week. The baby would do amazing with the night nurse—wake just once a night. Then on nights where he slept next to my bed he would wake multiple times and I’d be exhausted. So personally I think if you can afford it you should do a night nurse every night. A good night’s sleep is worth it. I also had childcare Monday-Thursday (already arranged as I work) but think I was fairly present with my older kids. I don’t really see a problem with your desired arrangement as long as you are really spending a lot of time with your kids one-on-one rather than just going out to get your nails done and such. My husband was all for my being well-rested and also refused to get up at all for the baby—he’s an awesome dad but his thought was waking up at night would mean he’d be less productive the next day and lose way more $$$ of productivity than the cost of a night nurse. I guess that’s not how your husband feels though ...

People need to really lay off on the judgment here. OP can get her nails done, lay around with her baby, go to the gym, whatever. It doesn't make her any less of a mom for doing so!

[Anonymous]

I’m a nanny who has been with my family for many years. With baby 1, the mum stayed home 6 months and just had me during the day. Baby 2, she had a night nurse and during the day I cared for the baby. No idea what Mum did on maternity leave because she wasn’t looking after the baby, just hung out with kid 1 and watched tv all day. I worked 60hrs a week on maternity leave plus there was a night nurse until Mum went back to work.

Kid 1 is attached to me in a normal way. Kid 2 who Mum has lots of help with still screams when I leave to go home. Is very attached and no matter how I try to make things easier for transitions, loses it whenever I go home. She’s 7 now and I really think it’s because she didn’t spend time with her Mum when she was a baby.

You should really do more with baby 2.

[Anonymous]

I nursed both kids and my husband got up maybe 3 times in the first year for each kid. I work outside the home.

If I had money to throw at things I would not want help with the kids. I would have a chef, a trainer who came to the house, I’d have hair and nails come to the house, daily or 2-3x a week cleaning. I would just hang with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Not understanding why everyone is judging OP. Most likely moms who wish they could afford the help.

OP, I think what would be efficient is hiring someone for 1-2 weeks full on if your husband goes back to work right away and then having them move to overnights which is typically a 10pm-7am schedule. Maybe even keep a second person on part time days if you still feel like you need day time help.

If you do end up feeling that you really need 24/7 care for 3 months, hire two baby nurses as that’s too much for one person. Have one do 4 days and one do 3. Prepare to pay $30/hr for this type of care though.