How do resolve - husband I disagree over childcare

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sorry people are being such hags. They are jealous because you have a lot of money. If they had as much cash, they'd all hire more help too.

Absolutely hire that help. I would not relent until he compromises somewhere. There is nothing wrong with using your resources to make your life a little better. You will be saner and a better mom. I wish I could hire additional help and I SAH too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would find this to be a complete waste of money and, frankly, absurd. Our HHI is well beyond the OP’s, as us that if many of our friends with kids, and nobody (literally nobody) hires this type of care when having a second (or third or fourth) child. Some had parents come (though that was rare and largely because the parents wanted to). And even the most helpful parents were there as a second pair of hands, or when both spouses were at work. Never using Parents as an overnight baby nurse.

OP, I do not doubt that you may have wider issues, whether marital or possibly psychological Given your inflated sense of the additional care needed for your second child. I am very sorry for that. This solution, though, strikes me as not addressing these fundamentals. I wish you well, but I don’t think this is the answer.

OP, also remember we are in DC, where everyone loves to be a martyr and truly thinks they are morally and intellectually superior to anyone who can't do live exactly as they do. If you were living in NYC, no one would bat an eye at you hiring this kind of help. Do not let these internet strangers convince you that you have psychological problems because you're not relishing the idea of getting up all night plus dealing with a baby and a toddler all day. This is why moms of an infant and a toddler look like trash so often. It isn't easy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you’re a SAHM who wants to hire 24/7 help for 3 months, I’d balk at that too.

I don’t get this perspective. What are you working for if not to make your life better? The DH works all the time and does no household labor. Fine. What’s the point of this lady killing herself trying to do it all when a part time nanny and night nurse could significantly improve the family’s life? You can’t take the money with you.

OP, do you have an expensive car? Expensive jewelry? Tell him you want to sell it to pay for the night nurse/nanny. I think people who have family support don’t understand how difficult it is to take care of children on your own with zero breaks. It’s exhausting.

I’m the pp you’re replying to. I think 24/7 help for 3 months is absurd, but I’m definitely not arguing that OP shouldn’t hire help. Surely you can see that there’s a lot of leeway between never, ever being alone with your children for the first 3 months of baby #2’s life versus hiring enough help that you get some rest and have help feeding/bathing the children and doing their laundry? I was a SAHM to preterm twins and I had a lot of help, but I wasn’t afraid of spending a single hour alone with my babies.

[Anonymous]

For part-time help, sure but 24/7 help. Why have kids if you aren't going to parent them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I'm pregnant with our second child. With our first I tried to be "super mom" and did not hire anyone until a few weeks in when I finally broke down and hired a night nurse a couple nights a week. My husband put up a big fight about this but I overruled him since he wasn't getting up at night (I nursed).

Anyway, this time around, I want to hire a 24/7 baby nurse for at least 3 months since we'll have a toddler to take care of too.

My husband doesn't want to hire anyone even though we can afford it. When I point out that I'm the one who is going to be doing all the work so I don't think it is something he should be able to just veto, he says "I'll help out more this time."

But realistically I don't see that happening.

Our HHI is ~ 775k so we can afford this luxury. I'm really anxious about what it's going to be like taking care of a toddler and a baby at the same time. I think knowing that I'll have this level of support will help calm me down. H doesn't want to spend the money on it though and says that we should just "power through."

How should we resolve this?

It's your job. He works and makes the $$$$$$ income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would find this to be a complete waste of money and, frankly, absurd. Our HHI is well beyond the OP’s, as us that if many of our friends with kids, and nobody (literally nobody) hires this type of care when having a second (or third or fourth) child. Some had parents come (though that was rare and largely because the parents wanted to). And even the most helpful parents were there as a second pair of hands, or when both spouses were at work. Never using Parents as an overnight baby nurse.

OP, I do not doubt that you may have wider issues, whether marital or possibly psychological Given your inflated sense of the additional care needed for your second child. I am very sorry for that. This solution, though, strikes me as not addressing these fundamentals. I wish you well, but I don’t think this is the answer.

Really? Because in NYC it is completely common. So much so that people who make a lot less than 800k try to stretch their budgets to afford baby nurses. Or get their parents to pay for it.

In NYC private school circles, guarantee most people had a baby nurse for at least the first 6 weeks if not longer.

Most do baby nurse for 3 months than transition to day nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you’re a SAHM who wants to hire 24/7 help for 3 months, I’d balk at that too.

I don’t get this perspective. What are you working for if not to make your life better? The DH works all the time and does no household labor. Fine. What’s the point of this lady killing herself trying to do it all when a part time nanny and night nurse could significantly improve the family’s life? You can’t take the money with you.

OP, do you have an expensive car? Expensive jewelry? Tell him you want to sell it to pay for the night nurse/nanny. I think people who have family support don’t understand how difficult it is to take care of children on your own with zero breaks. It’s exhausting.

I’m the pp you’re replying to. I think 24/7 help for 3 months is absurd, but I’m definitely not arguing that OP shouldn’t hire help. Surely you can see that there’s a lot of leeway between never, ever being alone with your children for the first 3 months of baby #2’s life versus hiring enough help that you get some rest and have help feeding/bathing the children and doing their laundry? I was a SAHM to preterm twins and I had a lot of help, but I wasn’t afraid of spending a single hour alone with my babies.

You were really harsh in your first post and it implied that hiring help was a ridiculous idea. You backtracked ALOT from your original position. I actually think OP would be better off hiring a night nurse a few times a week for a month or 2, and hiring a part time nanny for the rest of the year. This would probably cost the same as 24/7 help for 3 months and be much more useful. She’s still going to need a break when the baby is 3 months old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I'm pregnant with our second child. With our first I tried to be "super mom" and did not hire anyone until a few weeks in when I finally broke down and hired a night nurse a couple nights a week. My husband put up a big fight about this but I overruled him since he wasn't getting up at night (I nursed).

Anyway, this time around, I want to hire a 24/7 baby nurse for at least 3 months since we'll have a toddler to take care of too.

My husband doesn't want to hire anyone even though we can afford it. When I point out that I'm the one who is going to be doing all the work so I don't think it is something he should be able to just veto, he says "I'll help out more this time."

But realistically I don't see that happening.

Our HHI is ~ 775k so we can afford this luxury. I'm really anxious about what it's going to be like taking care of a toddler and a baby at the same time. I think knowing that I'll have this level of support will help calm me down. H doesn't want to spend the money on it though and says that we should just "power through."

How should we resolve this?

It's your job. He works and makes the $$$$$$ income.

What’s the point of making money if you’re still going to be slumming it with no help? If you can’t use the money to make your life better, what’s the point of working long hours to make even more money?

This is a real question.

[Anonymous]

Just hire someone during the day, or does he look into every expense?
That’s what I did but I had “my own” money to spend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For part-time help, sure but 24/7 help. Why have kids if you aren't going to parent them?

Some variation of this gets asked of any working parent who uses daycares or nannies. It’s tiresome then and it’s tiresome now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do women have babies with this type of man? How can the money possibly be worth it???

Well, if she divorced him she’d probably get at least 200K in child support.

That option is probably starting to look pretty good right about now...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think hiring a night nurse is a sensible compromise. Having 24/7 care for three months probably means hiring three or four baby nurses to cover, which seems excessive.

OP here. I want someone there during the day too so I can spend one on one time with my toddler and not disrupt her routine, etc.

Basically it would allow me to come and go as needed.

I know it is expensive but it'll make the transition so much easier. We can afford it so I don't see what the issue is.

np when would you bond with the baby if you have someone 24/7 taking care of baby? I can understand wanting help but, you should have stuck with one if you are this unprepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:24/7 sahm with a night nurse. Honestly why bother having a second?

The husband REALLY wanted a boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry people are being such hags. They are jealous because you have a lot of money. If they had as much cash, they'd all hire more help too.

Absolutely hire that help. I would not relent until he compromises somewhere. There is nothing wrong with using your resources to make your life a little better. You will be saner and a better mom. I wish I could hire additional help and I SAH too.

dp No we are not. If I had that husband I would have had only one. I like to bond to my babies. Sure get help but, 24/7 is over the top. Your kids won't even know you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With our first I tried to be "super mom" and did not hire anyone until a few weeks in when I finally broke down and hired a night nurse a couple nights a week.

This doesn't make you a "super mom."

That's a shitty descriptor to begin with, but not having hired help is nothing special.