How do resolve - husband I disagree over childcare

[Anonymous]

You need more help with cleaning. I’m a night nurse and do not do any type of cleaning- not even bottles. Unless you hire a doula, you will be doing cleaning, making meals and laundry while I spend time with your newborn.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how much of this is just people balking at someone having a $775k HHI.

OP it sounds like you could benefit from therapy. Your marriage sounds hostile and lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are just used to a rich lifestyle of having someone else do all the work at home and your husband is getting annoyed. He does work himself all day and so the idea that you can't look after the kids and need to outsource childcare despite being at home is frustrating.

99% of parents at home with their kids don't have nannies or night nurses to provide the child care while they come and go as they please.

I think this is a difference in values more than anything. You say your husband works 10-12 hours a day and that work is the financial income you live off of but you don't seem to really want to contribute anything back to the household. You want a carefree life of leisure while others are paid to do all the work. I doubt you cook or clean or do much around the house either - likely that is all outsourced as well.

Are you much younger than your DH? Did you see marrying him and his money as a golden ticket to a life of no work?

Since you don't want to look after the kids, you should get a job and use that money to pay the childcare costs.

Please explain why you think someone who's legitimately rich should live as if they're poor.

Not everyone, including Ops DH thinks that being rich means you outsourced your SAHM role. It isn't only the poors who raise their own kids. Your idea that rich means you outsource everything isn't the case. OPs DH hasn't outsourced his work - he still has to go and work hard and make this money they have to be rich. It isn't an inheritance and trust fund where he also just plays all day with no responsibilities. I get that OP didn't want this baby and therefore is resentful that she might have to provide some childcare but that is where OP and DH are not on the same page. He sees her as also being a contributing member of the household and having responsibilities despite the money he earns while working all the time. Op sees her role was just to birth the children and then step away and hire people to do the rest. There are many rich people who still work and have responsibilities and raise their own kids and contribute either financially or through work at home - your view that only the poors do this is strange.

First, OP's DH has presumably outsourced his cleaning, laundry, cooking and every other thing that isn't work.

Second, OP doesn't say she wants to outsource EVERYTHING. She cares for her toddler now and she said nothing about nannies or daycare so let's assume she's doing 100% of the childcare for the older child. She wants to spend time with her toddler and she wants to have a good night's sleep once in a while. She says she has cleaners but she didn't say she has cooks or laundresses or drivers or personal errand-runners. At this income level, having help is completely normal. Newborns are needy even if healthy. I never had a toddler AND a newborn at home but if I did, you bet I'd have help. Actually what I would do is have the toddler in 100% daycare before the newborn arrives.

Yeah, and I’ll point out that every WOHM I’ve ever known has kept their older kid in daycare when they had 3 months maternity leave, and no one ever questions that (nor should they). But when a SAHM wants help with multiple young children suddenly she’s called lazy...

No one is against having some help. Is it that she wants 24/7 help that her DH and posters are saying is unnecessary. A nanny can look after an infant and a toddler. They do it all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much of this is just people balking at someone having a $775k HHI.

OP it sounds like you could benefit from therapy. Your marriage sounds hostile and lonely.

A lot of it.

I think OP should get help around the house, and the only thing that gives me pause is she seems to want the kind of help that lets her hang out with the older kid exclusively and hand off the baby. I think there are some signs of ambivalence and resentment toward the baby in her posts, and the idea that dad had to have a boy and pushed her to get pregnant before she was ready while also being no help -- it sounds like a recipe for PPD/A.

Beef up the house cleaning and get a night nurse, but don't check out on this baby before he gets here. You're mad at dad, not baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much of this is just people balking at someone having a $775k HHI.

OP it sounds like you could benefit from therapy. Your marriage sounds hostile and lonely.

A lot of it.

I think OP should get help around the house, and the only thing that gives me pause is she seems to want the kind of help that lets her hang out with the older kid exclusively and hand off the baby. I think there are some signs of ambivalence and resentment toward the baby in her posts, and the idea that dad had to have a boy and pushed her to get pregnant before she was ready while also being no help -- it sounds like a recipe for PPD/A.

Beef up the house cleaning and get a night nurse, but don't check out on this baby before he gets here. You're mad at dad, not baby.

This plus invest in marriage counseling. It doesn’t sound like a good situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are just used to a rich lifestyle of having someone else do all the work at home and your husband is getting annoyed. He does work himself all day and so the idea that you can't look after the kids and need to outsource childcare despite being at home is frustrating.

99% of parents at home with their kids don't have nannies or night nurses to provide the child care while they come and go as they please.

I think this is a difference in values more than anything. You say your husband works 10-12 hours a day and that work is the financial income you live off of but you don't seem to really want to contribute anything back to the household. You want a carefree life of leisure while others are paid to do all the work. I doubt you cook or clean or do much around the house either - likely that is all outsourced as well.

Are you much younger than your DH? Did you see marrying him and his money as a golden ticket to a life of no work?

Since you don't want to look after the kids, you should get a job and use that money to pay the childcare costs.

Please explain why you think someone who's legitimately rich should live as if they're poor.

Not everyone, including Ops DH thinks that being rich means you outsourced your SAHM role. It isn't only the poors who raise their own kids. Your idea that rich means you outsource everything isn't the case. OPs DH hasn't outsourced his work - he still has to go and work hard and make this money they have to be rich. It isn't an inheritance and trust fund where he also just plays all day with no responsibilities. I get that OP didn't want this baby and therefore is resentful that she might have to provide some childcare but that is where OP and DH are not on the same page. He sees her as also being a contributing member of the household and having responsibilities despite the money he earns while working all the time. Op sees her role was just to birth the children and then step away and hire people to do the rest. There are many rich people who still work and have responsibilities and raise their own kids and contribute either financially or through work at home - your view that only the poors do this is strange.

I don't disagree with your analysis of the situation--in fact, it's right on--but I just have to point out that referring to people as "the poors" is really distasteful and detracts from the otherwise sensible and thoughtful nature of your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much of this is just people balking at someone having a $775k HHI.

OP it sounds like you could benefit from therapy. Your marriage sounds hostile and lonely.

A lot of it.

I think OP should get help around the house, and the only thing that gives me pause is she seems to want the kind of help that lets her hang out with the older kid exclusively and hand off the baby. I think there are some signs of ambivalence and resentment toward the baby in her posts, and the idea that dad had to have a boy and pushed her to get pregnant before she was ready while also being no help -- it sounds like a recipe for PPD/A.

Beef up the house cleaning and get a night nurse, but don't check out on this baby before he gets here. You're mad at dad, not baby.

+1

[Anonymous]

It's possible OP is overwhelmed because she doesn't know what to expect with number 2. The anxiety and fear of having to go at it alone is probably driving this. I think a night nurse a few nights a week plus a "mother's helper" for a few hours M-F would be nice. Mother's helper could straighten up the house, do laundry, put together dinner and allow OP to take a shower. I remember constantly feeling like the dishwasher needed to be unloaded and the laundry needed to be flipped during those first weeks and it was strangely overwhelming. When I am back at work full time, it feels like all of this can wait and will get done when it gets done -- no big deal. If you can afford some help to reduce your mental load, I'd say seek it out. But you may also want some time alone with your family. Having help 24/7 would not be a good fit for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are just used to a rich lifestyle of having someone else do all the work at home and your husband is getting annoyed. He does work himself all day and so the idea that you can't look after the kids and need to outsource childcare despite being at home is frustrating.

99% of parents at home with their kids don't have nannies or night nurses to provide the child care while they come and go as they please.

I think this is a difference in values more than anything. You say your husband works 10-12 hours a day and that work is the financial income you live off of but you don't seem to really want to contribute anything back to the household. You want a carefree life of leisure while others are paid to do all the work. I doubt you cook or clean or do much around the house either - likely that is all outsourced as well.

Are you much younger than your DH? Did you see marrying him and his money as a golden ticket to a life of no work?

Since you don't want to look after the kids, you should get a job and use that money to pay the childcare costs.

Please explain why you think someone who's legitimately rich should live as if they're poor.

Not everyone, including Ops DH thinks that being rich means you outsourced your SAHM role. It isn't only the poors who raise their own kids. Your idea that rich means you outsource everything isn't the case. OPs DH hasn't outsourced his work - he still has to go and work hard and make this money they have to be rich. It isn't an inheritance and trust fund where he also just plays all day with no responsibilities. I get that OP didn't want this baby and therefore is resentful that she might have to provide some childcare but that is where OP and DH are not on the same page. He sees her as also being a contributing member of the household and having responsibilities despite the money he earns while working all the time. Op sees her role was just to birth the children and then step away and hire people to do the rest. There are many rich people who still work and have responsibilities and raise their own kids and contribute either financially or through work at home - your view that only the poors do this is strange.

I don't disagree with your analysis of the situation--in fact, it's right on--but I just have to point out that referring to people as "the poors" is really distasteful and detracts from the otherwise sensible and thoughtful nature of your post.

You are right and it isn't a way I would ever refer to people. I was referring back (kind of sarcastically) to the post I quoted of someone talking about living like the rich vs the poor. However I can see that that point may have been lost and it just looks distasteful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are just used to a rich lifestyle of having someone else do all the work at home and your husband is getting annoyed. He does work himself all day and so the idea that you can't look after the kids and need to outsource childcare despite being at home is frustrating.

99% of parents at home with their kids don't have nannies or night nurses to provide the child care while they come and go as they please.

I think this is a difference in values more than anything. You say your husband works 10-12 hours a day and that work is the financial income you live off of but you don't seem to really want to contribute anything back to the household. You want a carefree life of leisure while others are paid to do all the work. I doubt you cook or clean or do much around the house either - likely that is all outsourced as well.

Are you much younger than your DH? Did you see marrying him and his money as a golden ticket to a life of no work?

Since you don't want to look after the kids, you should get a job and use that money to pay the childcare costs.

Please explain why you think someone who's legitimately rich should live as if they're poor.

Not everyone, including Ops DH thinks that being rich means you outsourced your SAHM role. It isn't only the poors who raise their own kids. Your idea that rich means you outsource everything isn't the case. OPs DH hasn't outsourced his work - he still has to go and work hard and make this money they have to be rich. It isn't an inheritance and trust fund where he also just plays all day with no responsibilities. I get that OP didn't want this baby and therefore is resentful that she might have to provide some childcare but that is where OP and DH are not on the same page. He sees her as also being a contributing member of the household and having responsibilities despite the money he earns while working all the time. Op sees her role was just to birth the children and then step away and hire people to do the rest. There are many rich people who still work and have responsibilities and raise their own kids and contribute either financially or through work at home - your view that only the poors do this is strange.

I don't disagree with your analysis of the situation--in fact, it's right on--but I just have to point out that referring to people as "the poors" is really distasteful and detracts from the otherwise sensible and thoughtful nature of your post.

You are right and it isn't a way I would ever refer to people. I was referring back (kind of sarcastically) to the post I quoted of someone talking about living like the rich vs the poor. However I can see that that point may have been lost and it just looks distasteful.

NP- fwiw I assumed you were being facetious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much of this is just people balking at someone having a $775k HHI.

OP it sounds like you could benefit from therapy. Your marriage sounds hostile and lonely.[/quote]

100% this. This guy's gone 12 hours a day, doesn't help at all when he's there, it doesn't sound like he is emotionally present, and he pressured you to get pregnant yet doesn't think you need or deserve any help or breaks. You're basically expected to be "on" 24/7. Given your financial situation, I would negotiate - maybe not 24/7 help, but a mother's helper during the day and a night nurse a few nights per week for the first few months.

And yeah, therapy. Not a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I feel like people are being incredibly hostile to OP. as a working mom pregnant with a second, I fully plan to have my toddler in daycare while I am on maternity leave. I also may hire a night nurse for a while if I feel like I need to. OP, I think a conversation with your husband about compromise is necessary. You care for your child(ren), which allows him to continue to work. And as taking care of children is as hard (if not harder) than going to work (I've done both and this is just my opinion), he should take some night wakings. Unless the working parent is a surgeon or other occupation that requires sleep, this should be a division of labor. If he isn't willing to help, he needs to be willing to pay for help. maybe line up some people you can call to help in the case that he does not make good on his promise to help (I know many night nurses that you could book with a week or twos notice). I can't believe all the women on here suggesting that they took care of their children all by themselves so you should too- we are all DIFFERENT. You are not required to do anything simply because someone else did.

As someone that suffered from PPA, I do think that underlying anxiety might be fueling your desire to have constant help. It might be helpful to speak to someone about this, maybe with your husband. He may need to understand that his lack of involvement is making you feel isolated and that you need to be "covered" because he isn't there to take the load when things get hard. I understand this. But I don't think the fact that some women have it harder than you means you need to struggle. Pay for help if you want to. 24/7 does seem like a lot, but how many celebrities etc. have like 3 nannies? I don't think this necessarily means the parents aren't involved, but simply that someone else is also there. You may also feel more connected to the baby when he comes than you realize.

All this to say, there does seem to be some underlying issues with anxiety and a partner that appears to be unhelpful, but that does not mean that you should be expected to take care of two kids all by yourself. One of the best moms I know has daycare and a live in au pair. Its just nice for her to have someone around when its dinnertime/bedtime weekend time so she can spend time one on one with both kids and have an extra pair of hands. No shame in that.

[Anonymous]

I have four under 8 and a full time job and I never felt the need to hire 24/7 baby nurse. I am sorry, that is just absurd. I did have help when I went back to work, but not 24/7. If you are a SAHM, you got this...and I am with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you’re a SAHM who wants to hire 24/7 help for 3 months, I’d balk at that too.

Op can afford it. Not everyone has the same options as op, that is why she is getting push back.
OP hire the help. Your mental and physical health will benefit and so will your kids and husband. Less stress all around and it is only temporary.