How do resolve - husband I disagree over childcare

[Anonymous]

Guess what, for all of human history women have had help when they had babies. Even 24/7 help! The idea of doing is solo is an American concept born out of our puritanical and pioneer heritage. As we speak women all over the world have help with their newborns and older kids. Yet we look down on that here because we're conditioned to, and because childcare is so expensive it's a luxury. It's expensive because on top of this we don't value women's labor in this country.

Do it and don't give it a second thought. There's no prize for being sleep deprived despite what some martyrs would have you think. You will be a better and more present mom when you're well rested and have help.

[Anonymous]

I think you should hire whatever kind and amount of childcare you want -- what is the point of such a high HHI if you can't spend it on things that are actually going to help you?

But, I wonder if you really need 24/7? Do you just want the company since your DH is going to be gone so much? I actually don't think that's a terrible idea. Despite the people bashing you, there are basically zero cultures that would leave a new mom, newborn, and toddler alone for the post-partum period, unless it were unavoidable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you’re a SAHM who wants to hire 24/7 help for 3 months, I’d balk at that too.

I don’t get this perspective. What are you working for if not to make your life better? The DH works all the time and does no household labor. Fine. What’s the point of this lady killing herself trying to do it all when a part time nanny and night nurse could significantly improve the family’s life? You can’t take the money with you.

OP, do you have an expensive car? Expensive jewelry? Tell him you want to sell it to pay for the night nurse/nanny. I think people who have family support don’t understand how difficult it is to take care of children on your own with zero breaks. It’s exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Hire help, get couples counseling, and plan to go back to work when the new baby is in preschool. Going back to work will equalize things between you and your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally I hate when people make this sort of unhelpful comment, but what on earth made you decide to have a second if you feel so incapable?

I'm not sure why you have to be so rude. But to answer your question, DH really wanted a second (hoping for a son) and pressured me into it sooner than I would have wanted. Luckily our baby is a boy.

Get thee to a marriage counselor, or an individual therapist, you’re choice. You sound really resentful toward your husband and this baby, which is not a promising situation. Whatever the reasons, you chose to have this baby. Do not use him as a weapon against your husband.

[Anonymous]

Compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you’re a SAHM who wants to hire 24/7 help for 3 months, I’d balk at that too.

I don’t get this perspective. What are you working for if not to make your life better? The DH works all the time and does no household labor. Fine. What’s the point of this lady killing herself trying to do it all when a part time nanny and night nurse could significantly improve the family’s life? You can’t take the money with you.

OP, do you have an expensive car? Expensive jewelry? Tell him you want to sell it to pay for the night nurse/nanny. I think people who have family support don’t understand how difficult it is to take care of children on your own with zero breaks. It’s exhausting.

I agree. And if not 24/7 for so many months, at least the first month and then maybe you can go down to something like 4 pm-overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire help, get couples counseling, and plan to go back to work when the new baby is in preschool. Going back to work will equalize things between you and your DH.

No it won’t.

I doubt she’d be able to get a job anywhere near his salary. He would still be the breadwinner and would do zero around the house. She’d be working and doing everything house/kid related, just like before.

This is delusional thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you’re a SAHM who wants to hire 24/7 help for 3 months, I’d balk at that too.

I don’t get this perspective. What are you working for if not to make your life better? The DH works all the time and does no household labor. Fine. What’s the point of this lady killing herself trying to do it all when a part time nanny and night nurse could significantly improve the family’s life? You can’t take the money with you.

OP, do you have an expensive car? Expensive jewelry? Tell him you want to sell it to pay for the night nurse/nanny. I think people who have family support don’t understand how difficult it is to take care of children on your own with zero breaks. It’s exhausting.

+100000 people just like to see women suffer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally I hate when people make this sort of unhelpful comment, but what on earth made you decide to have a second if you feel so incapable?

I'm not sure why you have to be so rude. But to answer your question, DH really wanted a second (hoping for a son) and pressured me into it sooner than I would have wanted. Luckily our baby is a boy.

OP is clearly some weird troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help, get couples counseling, and plan to go back to work when the new baby is in preschool. Going back to work will equalize things between you and your DH.

No it won’t.

I doubt she’d be able to get a job anywhere near his salary. He would still be the breadwinner and would do zero around the house. She’d be working and doing everything house/kid related, just like before.

This is delusional thinking.

It will equalize things because she will be participating in the formal labor market, instead of just stuck at home being her DH's unpaid domestic labor. It will likely be more tiring than SAH, but that's the trade off. It will prepare OP for a likely divorce/separation. It will also give her grounds to insist on household help and more participation by her DH, unless he is a total ass (which he may be). I have a useless DH who doesn't even do me the courtesy of earning $775k/year, and it would be much, much worse if I didn't have my own adult life outside of the house. At least with me going to work, he knows that he has to help somewhat with drop-off and sick days. What OP's situation does do is give her the luxury of SAH until the kids are out of the baby stage.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a similar income/hours and if he said no I would laugh in his face and do it anyway. When you have a setup like this that's the bargain. He gets to work and make money and get out of a lot of this, but I'm sure as hell not doing it alone. FTR he would never balk at this because he understands the bargain and is eternally grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help, get couples counseling, and plan to go back to work when the new baby is in preschool. Going back to work will equalize things between you and your DH.

No it won’t.

I doubt she’d be able to get a job anywhere near his salary. He would still be the breadwinner and would do zero around the house. She’d be working and doing everything house/kid related, just like before.

This is delusional thinking.

It will equalize things because she will be participating in the formal labor market, instead of just stuck at home being her DH's unpaid domestic labor. It will likely be more tiring than SAH, but that's the trade off. It will prepare OP for a likely divorce/separation. It will also give her grounds to insist on household help and more participation by her DH, unless he is a total ass (which he may be). I have a useless DH who doesn't even do me the courtesy of earning $775k/year, and it would be much, much worse if I didn't have my own adult life outside of the house. At least with me going to work, he knows that he has to help somewhat with drop-off and sick days. What OP's situation does do is give her the luxury of SAH until the kids are out of the baby stage.

She's a SAHM with a weekly cleaning service and a night nanny. Life can't be that hard on her.

[Anonymous]

And this, Ladies, is what happens when you marry for money. Hope it is worth it, OP.

[Anonymous]

With that type of husband I’d just do it anyway. It would be different if he was helpful. But he can just get over it.