S/O what do you gain from maintaining a a friendship with a man whose wife hates you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok Gone Girl
Enjoy your trainwreck

You realize Gone Girl is about a batshit wife, right?

Yes I do but you have it covered so well. So just Bat shit crazy “friend”

I’m not the one flipping my shit on DCUM about someone else’s platonic relationship.

NP here. No but you are on DCUM flipping your shit about someone else’s marriage and frankly you don’t understand rank. The wife comes first.

Besides, she might know something you don’t like she overheard him telling a guy friend about your butt or boobs or how he used to want to date you. Or he cheated on her and he’s never told you because he wants to sleep with you next. You just don’t know. Whatever it is, give his wife some respect and stop pushing her buttons. Besides, if she is an insecure bat-shit person why do you care? He’s a grown man, he married her. Walk away.

Rank? Seriously?

If the wife came first, then her husband would bow out. She doesn’t “rank” over me in life. If he wants her to lord over him, that’s his choice. He has the option to call end the friendship.

My marriage is equal, and my friends are equal, but on a different plane. It’s so weird to discuss rank.

Yeah, I agree with the pp who said that you don't understand rank. In your mind, friends and spouses rank the same but that is not true for most people. We love our friends and we care about them but we are committed to our spouses and we actually do answer to our spouses. Friends just don't have the same level of skin in the game. Not even close.

Okay then, great rank guru... please explain to me how his wife should rank over me in my own life?

I mean, my brother is in the military and outranks me There, but he still has to help with the dishes when he visits and I make dinner. BecUse his rank means FA to me in terms of our relationship. Just like the “ranks” of my friend’s spouses mean nothing to me. That’s their relationship to negotiate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok Gone Girl
Enjoy your trainwreck

You realize Gone Girl is about a batshit wife, right?

Yes I do but you have it covered so well. So just Bat shit crazy “friend”

I’m not the one flipping my shit on DCUM about someone else’s platonic relationship.

NP here. No but you are on DCUM flipping your shit about someone else’s marriage and frankly you don’t understand rank. The wife comes first.

Besides, she might know something you don’t like she overheard him telling a guy friend about your butt or boobs or how he used to want to date you. Or he cheated on her and he’s never told you because he wants to sleep with you next. You just don’t know. Whatever it is, give his wife some respect and stop pushing her buttons. Besides, if she is an insecure bat-shit person why do you care? He’s a grown man, he married her. Walk away.

Rank? Seriously?

If the wife came first, then her husband would bow out. She doesn’t “rank” over me in life. If he wants her to lord over him, that’s his choice. He has the option to call end the friendship.

My marriage is equal, and my friends are equal, but on a different plane. It’s so weird to discuss rank.

Yeah, I agree with the pp who said that you don't understand rank. In your mind, friends and spouses rank the same but that is not true for most people. We love our friends and we care about them but we are committed to our spouses and we actually do answer to our spouses. Friends just don't have the same level of skin in the game. Not even close.

Okay then, great rank guru... please explain to me how his wife should rank over me in my own life?

I mean, my brother is in the military and outranks me There, but he still has to help with the dishes when he visits and I make dinner. BecUse his rank means FA to me in terms of our relationship. Just like the “ranks” of my friend’s spouses mean nothing to me. That’s their relationship to negotiate.

I'm starting to see why wife doesn't like you. No boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I can only imagine the tantrums you threw as a toddler!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that I would feel comfortable hanging out with a married guy whose wife hated me. That just sounds like a really bad idea and when their marriage blows up, as it almost certainly will, I would not want either one of them to point the finger of blame in my direction.

Send cards and talk to them openly on Facebook.

+1 but exceptions made for friendships that pre-date the marriage. I wouldn't abandon a lifelong friend because their spouse hated me but I would not start a friendship with a guy who was married who's SO hated me.

I don't think it matters actually. Who cares if you knew the guy before he married his wife? He still married HER. That is the one he is committed to and if she hates your guts, doesn't want you to hang out with him and he knew that when he married her....he really should not be getting together with you.

Well that is a decision he can make. If I had such a friendship and he distances himself from me I would respect that. But if he wanted to continue the friendship and was fine facing the consequences at home than that is his business. I'm not doing anything wrong by continuing to be friends with someone I've known longer than she has.

You can believe that HE is doing something wrong by pursueing a friendship that is hurting his marriage but I don't see how you put that on the friend who has no obligations or loyalty to the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that I would feel comfortable hanging out with a married guy whose wife hated me. That just sounds like a really bad idea and when their marriage blows up, as it almost certainly will, I would not want either one of them to point the finger of blame in my direction.

Send cards and talk to them openly on Facebook.

+1 but exceptions made for friendships that pre-date the marriage. I wouldn't abandon a lifelong friend because their spouse hated me but I would not start a friendship with a guy who was married who's SO hated me.

I don't think it matters actually. Who cares if you knew the guy before he married his wife? He still married HER. That is the one he is committed to and if she hates your guts, doesn't want you to hang out with him and he knew that when he married her....he really should not be getting together with you.

If he married HER and she hates my guts, then the problem is still his to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok Gone Girl
Enjoy your trainwreck

You realize Gone Girl is about a batshit wife, right?

Yes I do but you have it covered so well. So just Bat shit crazy “friend”

I’m not the one flipping my shit on DCUM about someone else’s platonic relationship.

NP here. No but you are on DCUM flipping your shit about someone else’s marriage and frankly you don’t understand rank. The wife comes first.

Besides, she might know something you don’t like she overheard him telling a guy friend about your butt or boobs or how he used to want to date you. Or he cheated on her and he’s never told you because he wants to sleep with you next. You just don’t know. Whatever it is, give his wife some respect and stop pushing her buttons. Besides, if she is an insecure bat-shit person why do you care? He’s a grown man, he married her. Walk away.

Rank? Seriously?

If the wife came first, then her husband would bow out. She doesn’t “rank” over me in life. If he wants her to lord over him, that’s his choice. He has the option to call end the friendship.

My marriage is equal, and my friends are equal, but on a different plane. It’s so weird to discuss rank.

Yeah, I agree with the pp who said that you don't understand rank. In your mind, friends and spouses rank the same but that is not true for most people. We love our friends and we care about them but we are committed to our spouses and we actually do answer to our spouses. Friends just don't have the same level of skin in the game. Not even close.

Okay then, great rank guru... please explain to me how his wife should rank over me in my own life?

I mean, my brother is in the military and outranks me There, but he still has to help with the dishes when he visits and I make dinner. BecUse his rank means FA to me in terms of our relationship. Just like the “ranks” of my friend’s spouses mean nothing to me. That’s their relationship to negotiate.

DP I feel like you guys are arguing about semantics.

I think its like...its the zombie apocalypse and it just broke out in your city. Who are you going to find before you flee? For me? First my spouse and kids, then my parents and siblings. I'm probably not going to hold off on the escape to find a friend, maybe a couple really special ones.

There are just tiers of people who are important to you. Its weird that you don't kind of intuitively know what they mean.

THAT SAID. I agree completely that the idea that a wife 'outranks' friends and therefore has the power to order a spouse to end a platonic relationship is ludicrous. Practically speaking if a friendship is eroding a marriage than the person in the friendship should consider ending it. But if a spouse is ordering a spouse to end a relationship because of jealousy then they are poisoning the marriage all by themselves and I don't think that bodes well for the future.

A normal, sane spouse either has very very good reasons for disliking a friend enough to ask their spouse to end the relationship or they are willing to tolerate a person they don't like very much if that person brings their spouse a lot of happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok Gone Girl
Enjoy your trainwreck

You realize Gone Girl is about a batshit wife, right?

Yes I do but you have it covered so well. So just Bat shit crazy “friend”

I’m not the one flipping my shit on DCUM about someone else’s platonic relationship.

NP here. No but you are on DCUM flipping your shit about someone else’s marriage and frankly you don’t understand rank. The wife comes first.


]

Yeah, I agree with the pp who said that you don't understand rank. In your mind, friends and spouses rank the same but that is not true for most people. We love our friends and we care about them but we are committed to our spouses and we actually do answer to our spouses. Friends just don't have the same level of skin in the game. Not even close.

Okay then, great rank guru... please explain to me how his wife should rank over me in my own life?

I mean, my brother is in the military and outranks me There, but he still has to help with the dishes when he visits and I make dinner. BecUse his rank means FA to me in terms of our relationship. Just like the “ranks” of my friend’s spouses mean nothing to me. That’s their relationship to negotiate.

I'm starting to see why wife doesn't like you. No boundaries.

You have weird and scary projection issues, considering I am just responding on this thread, but can’t think of a single friend IRL whose spouse seems to hate me because of my sex.

I’m going to go out on a limb and suspect you have issues with all the relationships in your life, and it’s never you that’s the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok Gone Girl
Enjoy your trainwreck

You realize Gone Girl is about a batshit wife, right?

Yes I do but you have it covered so well. So just Bat shit crazy “friend”

I’m not the one flipping my shit on DCUM about someone else’s platonic relationship.

NP here. No but you are on DCUM flipping your shit about someone else’s marriage and frankly you don’t understand rank. The wife comes first.


]

Yeah, I agree with the pp who said that you don't understand rank. In your mind, friends and spouses rank the same but that is not true for most people. We love our friends and we care about them but we are committed to our spouses and we actually do answer to our spouses. Friends just don't have the same level of skin in the game. Not even close.

Okay then, great rank guru... please explain to me how his wife should rank over me in my own life?

I mean, my brother is in the military and outranks me There, but he still has to help with the dishes when he visits and I make dinner. BecUse his rank means FA to me in terms of our relationship. Just like the “ranks” of my friend’s spouses mean nothing to me. That’s their relationship to negotiate.

I'm starting to see why wife doesn't like you. No boundaries.

You have weird and scary projection issues, considering I am just responding on this thread, but can’t think of a single friend IRL whose spouse seems to hate me because of my sex.

I’m going to go out on a limb and suspect you have issues with all the relationships in your life, and it’s never you that’s the problem.

Haha! Someone is projecting and it's not me. Never said men can't have female friends. But I can see a wife having problem with a friend like you who thinks she's equal to the wife.

[Anonymous]

You aren't equal to your friend's wife PP. Sorry.

Get over that notion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't equal to your friend's wife PP. Sorry.

Get over that notion.

DP. I agree but if my spouse ordered me to stop being friends with someone I had a purely platonic relationship with that predated the marriage I probably would cease being their spouse, regardless of the friend. It points to a crazy lack of trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't equal to your friend's wife PP. Sorry.

Get over that notion.

Guess it’s a good thing I don’t feel the need to prove or disprove myself on an anonymous message board, or in my real life

I never said I was equal, I just think “rank” is a stupid concept for spouse vs. friends. My spouse gets to choose where I fit, and where his friends do, because we are independent people. I don’t pick his friends; he does. He doesn’t pick my friends; I do.

Do none of you actually see the problem with dictating who your spouse can or can’t be friends with, outside of actual infidelity?

[Anonymous]

I think he is a great guy who I have no romantic interest in (lesbian). I thought about telling him I thought he was making a mistake when he got engaged. His wife is high strung, mean, critical, tears him down in public, really tries to isolate him. I try to strike a balance between keeping my distance and making sure he knows that I"m here for him. I hope he will eventually have the strength to leave and I want him to know he's got people. I've done the same for several women friends over the years. It's tough to watch.

[Anonymous]

I could care less if you like me or not.

If you have a problem with us seeing each other - take it up with your husband. Oh, that's right, you did - and he continues to ignore your crazy.

If you're not on the same page - awwww that sucks - but our relationship is solid.

Smooches sweetie! I'll send him home as soon as I can.

[Anonymous]

The women I’ve seen that do this kind of stuff are missing something in their own marriage. Maybe you can try to get to a point where you don’t think about this guy friend bc whatever it is he gives you, you get instead from your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The women I’ve seen that do this kind of stuff are missing something in their own marriage. Maybe you can try to get to a point where you don’t think about this guy friend bc whatever it is he gives you, you get instead from your husband.

So by this reasoning, all my female friends are possibly giving me a future lesbian experience I’ve never sought?