S/O what do you gain from maintaining a a friendship with a man whose wife hates you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how his wife Myst be abusive if she doesn't like you sniffing around her husband.

Paranoia isn’t sexy.

And being overly interested in another woman's husband is usually not a smart thing.

I was friends with him long before she was the picture have no designs on him other than friendship. I’m sorry you’re so terrified your husband’s going to fall for someone else and leave you, but projecting your emotional issues on everyone else isn’t going to help.

Oh, get over yourself. He married her. That's the person he's committed himself to whether you like her or not. Judging from this post she probably has valid reasons for hating you. You sound pushy and disrespectful towards their marriage. If you really cared about your friend you would make more of an effort to be on good terms with his wife. But I sense an "eff her" mentality on your part.

I was married before he even met her, it’s not like I was sitting around hoping he’d fall for me. I’ve never anything but kind and pleasant to her, her hatred of me is her issue, not mine. Just like your emotions are your issue, not hers.

So you'll continue to get together with him for coffee, drinks, whatever whether she likes it or not, right? That is certainly your choice to make. I just would not be comfortable seeing him under those circumstances. If I did get together with him I would want my own husband and probably other friends around, too.

Sounds like you know you can’t trust yourself around men. That’s not true for everyone, but it’s good to know your own flaws and be careful with them.

Uh, no. But if my good male friend had a jealous wife like that I would go out of my way to avoid any appearance of impropriety on my part. I'm not generally a sh*t stirrer.

But why are you catering to the “appearance” of impropriety if there is none?

If you have a security person following you in a store, do you suddenly leave, just because rhy were following you?
Would you pay a parking ticket, if you knew you were properly parked?
Would you pay a bill collector for a bill you knew want yours?

I would not do anything to purposely stoke jealousy in my friend's wife. Obviously, she doesn't like it when you meet up with her husband. You don't like her and she doesn't like you. If she feels uncomfortable with the amount of attention that you are paying her husband, oh well. Rightly or wrongly she doesn't want you two hanging out alone together like that. I would personally plan to meet with the guy when others were around.

As much as you love your friend, you have no idea what kind of husband he is to his wife or whether or not he has been unfaithful. He tells you a lot but he probably doesn't tell you everything. He may be doing and saying things to his wife that are making her feel insecure. Regardless, he married her and you should respect their marriage.

Okay, you people are really off your rockers.

I am not the gardener of my friend’s marriage. If he is making her feel insecure, that is between them. If she is insecure because of the air she takes in, that is between them. My relationship with either of them is my relationship with either of them. I may like her just fine, but she hates me because I was born with a vagina.

You know how I respect their marriage? By respecting my friend. He is a person with Choices, and we have a history. If he tells me his wife is jealous, but continues to contact me, I’ll follow his lead, because it is him that I have a relationship with.

A marriage isn’t about controlling or fixing another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's be honest here. It is because women know that most men aren't really friends with women just for being friends. It might have ended that way, but most guys always have an ulterior motive. Any woman that is not butt ugly has experienced that. Friends only till he starts pursuing you. So, while women might never be into that guy friend, he was, in 99%, into that female friend, if he is straight, at one point, and hoped for something. So year, she might not be worried that the female friend has feeling for her DH, she is most likely worried about his feelings for you.

+1.

I don't know any men who are interested in close friendships with women. I have male friends, but we only see each other at group activities or work, and rarely text. Anytime a man has started texting frequently or tried to hang out 1-on-1, it's because they wanted more than just friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Okay, you people are really off your rockers.

I am not the gardener of my friend’s marriage. If he is making her feel insecure, that is between them. If she is insecure because of the air she takes in, that is between them. My relationship with either of them is my relationship with either of them. I may like her just fine, but she hates me because I was born with a vagina.

You know how I respect their marriage? By respecting my friend. He is a person with Choices, and we have a history. If he tells me his wife is jealous, but continues to contact me, I’ll follow his lead, because it is him that I have a relationship with.

A marriage isn’t about controlling or fixing another person.

No, but apparently a friendship can be.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Let's be honest here. It is because women know that most men aren't really friends with women just for being friends. It might have ended that way, but most guys always have an ulterior motive. Any woman that is not butt ugly has experienced that. Friends only till he starts pursuing you. So, while women might never be into that guy friend, he was, in 99%, into that female friend, if he is straight, at one point, and hoped for something. So year, she might not be worried that the female friend has feeling for her DH, she is most likely worried about his feelings for you.


+1.

I don't know any men who are interested in close friendships with women.

So my husband has a few close female friends, but he was friends with them before we met (so he's known them for a long time). I have absolutely no issue with that - it makes sense that he would continue these friendships (even if they started out as him being interested in something more, they never went that way). But I would be weirded out and concerned if, now that we are married, DH suddenly made a new close female friend. Does that make sense? I'm not sure, but it is how I feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not there for his wife. I’m there for my friend of over 25 years. The drama is hers. I don’t text, call, or any of it, but will sent a very very occasional text. He’s going to need his real friends in a few years.

I don’t buy into drama, but I do believe in friendship.

IA with all of this.

Sending an occasional text is maybe once a month or every 2 months to just check in. I don't text daily or weekly (we used to before the marriage and for a bit afterwards) with him because 95% of what he would say in those texts was complaints about his wife. It's hard to keep offering advice and support to someone who is complaining about a person who hates you and feels threatened by you.

He and I grew up together and have been friends for 25+ years. I'm not completely giving up on that just because of her. He's moved out of the area but each time he comes back here for work or to visit family, we meet up for coffee or dinner. Same with when I'm in his area.

And no, I'm not biding my time until they break up and I swoop in because I'm a lesbian.

[Anonymous]

I had a frenemy who thought it was amusing to flirt with my husband. Of course, it irritated me, why wouldn’t it? What she didn’t seem to know is my husband was irritated too. He hated her touching him. I told him I had to stay friends with her because she was in my circle of friends including those on my job reference lists. I figured one day she’d get bored or realize she’s an ass. Nope.

Once she emailed him asking for his friend’s contact info because she was visiting the city his childhood friend. and still best friend, lived in. She had never met his friend before, she just knew that the guy lives there.

He had me read the email. Told me this was weird because she really wasn’t his friend and didn’t want her meeting him especially because I hadn’t had the chance to meet him yet. He asked what he should do. I told him just give her the info and let her do it because I had to maintain a “friendship” with her for career reasons. Finally, several years later we are untangled from her but we still make fun of her.

I’m sure she told herself, like a lot of these obnoxious women that she was just being friendly and I was insecure and needed to buck up blah blah blah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how his wife Myst be abusive if she doesn't like you sniffing around her husband.

Paranoia isn’t sexy.

And being overly interested in another woman's husband is usually not a smart thing.

I was friends with him long before she was the picture have no designs on him other than friendship. I’m sorry you’re so terrified your husband’s going to fall for someone else and leave you, but projecting your emotional issues on everyone else isn’t going to help.

Oh, get over yourself. He married her. That's the person he's committed himself to whether you like her or not. Judging from this post she probably has valid reasons for hating you. You sound pushy and disrespectful towards their marriage. If you really cared about your friend you would make more of an effort to be on good terms with his wife. But I sense an "eff her" mentality on your part.

I was married before he even met her, it’s not like I was sitting around hoping he’d fall for me. I’ve never anything but kind and pleasant to her, her hatred of me is her issue, not mine. Just like your emotions are your issue, not hers.

So you'll continue to get together with him for coffee, drinks, whatever whether she likes it or not, right? That is certainly your choice to make. I just would not be comfortable seeing him under those circumstances. If I did get together with him I would want my own husband and probably other friends around, too.

Sounds like you know you can’t trust yourself around men. That’s not true for everyone, but it’s good to know your own flaws and be careful with them.

Uh, no. But if my good male friend had a jealous wife like that I would go out of my way to avoid any appearance of impropriety on my part. I'm not generally a sh*t stirrer.

But why are you catering to the “appearance” of impropriety if there is none?

If you have a security person following you in a store, do you suddenly leave, just because rhy were following you?
Would you pay a parking ticket, if you knew you were properly parked?
Would you pay a bill collector for a bill you knew want yours?

I would not do anything to purposely stoke jealousy in my friend's wife. Obviously, she doesn't like it when you meet up with her husband. You don't like her and she doesn't like you. If she feels uncomfortable with the amount of attention that you are paying her husband, oh well. Rightly or wrongly she doesn't want you two hanging out alone together like that. I would personally plan to meet with the guy when others were around.

As much as you love your friend, you have no idea what kind of husband he is to his wife or whether or not he has been unfaithful. He tells you a lot but he probably doesn't tell you everything. He may be doing and saying things to his wife that are making her feel insecure. Regardless, he married her and you should respect their marriage.

Okay, you people are really off your rockers.

I am not the gardener of my friend’s marriage. If he is making her feel insecure, that is between them. If she is insecure because of the air she takes in, that is between them. My relationship with either of them is my relationship with either of them. I may like her just fine, but she hates me because I was born with a vagina.

You know how I respect their marriage? By respecting my friend. He is a person with Choices, and we have a history. If he tells me his wife is jealous, but continues to contact me, I’ll follow his lead, because it is him that I have a relationship with.

A marriage isn’t about controlling or fixing another person.

You are absolutely a narcissist and a shi$ stirrer. You just can’t see past the nose on your face. Reread all your responses that are all about...YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok Gone Girl
Enjoy your trainwreck

You realize Gone Girl is about a batshit wife, right?

Yes I do but you have it covered so well. So just Bat shit crazy “friend”

I’m not the one flipping my shit on DCUM about someone else’s platonic relationship.

NP here. No but you are on DCUM flipping your shit about someone else’s marriage and frankly you don’t understand rank. The wife comes first.

Besides, she might know something you don’t like she overheard him telling a guy friend about your butt or boobs or how he used to want to date you. Or he cheated on her and he’s never told you because he wants to sleep with you next. You just don’t know. Whatever it is, give his wife some respect and stop pushing her buttons. Besides, if she is an insecure bat-shit person why do you care? He’s a grown man, he married her. Walk away.

[Anonymous]

^^^ Besides if there wasn’t someone willing to love imperfect people most of us would never be married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how his wife Myst be abusive if she doesn't like you sniffing around her husband.

Paranoia isn’t sexy.

And being overly interested in another woman's husband is usually not a smart thing.

I was friends with him long before she was the picture have no designs on him other than friendship. I’m sorry you’re so terrified your husband’s going to fall for someone else and leave you, but projecting your emotional issues on everyone else isn’t going to help.

Because I was there first!!!

Territorial much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one that started the other thread and I once had a very close friendship with him over many years, a very difficult training program and life events for myself. At that time it was not inappropriate for either of us (aka in between relationships or not in serious relationships). Since then it's a once a year or less, actually more often this year that we see each other if we happen to be in each others towns. Never text, rarely speak so not a frequent friend but still means a lot to me because it's the only friend from that time in my life. I respect boundaries and marriages. I don't ask about their relationship. We mostly talk about our work / field and catch up on family and friend news. Not inappropriate in my opinion.

I was a Peace Corps Volunteer back in the 80/90s - pre-Internet/cell phone. It was tough and our trainers from the start indicated we needed to develop a support system to help us get through the tough times. My friends, men and women, from that time are life-long friends even if we don't speak to each other on a regular basis. In this group of friends, I've not encountered jealous spouses - and would be more sorry on my friend's behalf than my own if there were. My DH has no problems with me meeting up with my male RPCV friends when I'm traveling or when they travel to this area. He's happy to meet them but feels like he's the spouse at a class reunion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok Gone Girl
Enjoy your trainwreck

You realize Gone Girl is about a batshit wife, right?

Yes I do but you have it covered so well. So just Bat shit crazy “friend”

I’m not the one flipping my shit on DCUM about someone else’s platonic relationship.

NP here. No but you are on DCUM flipping your shit about someone else’s marriage and frankly you don’t understand rank. The wife comes first.

Besides, she might know something you don’t like she overheard him telling a guy friend about your butt or boobs or how he used to want to date you. Or he cheated on her and he’s never told you because he wants to sleep with you next. You just don’t know. Whatever it is, give his wife some respect and stop pushing her buttons. Besides, if she is an insecure bat-shit person why do you care? He’s a grown man, he married her. Walk away.

Rank? Seriously?

If the wife came first, then her husband would bow out. She doesn’t “rank” over me in life. If he wants her to lord over him, that’s his choice. He has the option to call end the friendship.

My marriage is equal, and my friends are equal, but on a different plane. It’s so weird to discuss rank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that I would feel comfortable hanging out with a married guy whose wife hated me. That just sounds like a really bad idea and when their marriage blows up, as it almost certainly will, I would not want either one of them to point the finger of blame in my direction.

Send cards and talk to them openly on Facebook.

+1 but exceptions made for friendships that pre-date the marriage. I wouldn't abandon a lifelong friend because their spouse hated me but I would not start a friendship with a guy who was married who's SO hated me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok Gone Girl
Enjoy your trainwreck

You realize Gone Girl is about a batshit wife, right?

Yes I do but you have it covered so well. So just Bat shit crazy “friend”

I’m not the one flipping my shit on DCUM about someone else’s platonic relationship.

NP here. No but you are on DCUM flipping your shit about someone else’s marriage and frankly you don’t understand rank. The wife comes first.

Besides, she might know something you don’t like she overheard him telling a guy friend about your butt or boobs or how he used to want to date you. Or he cheated on her and he’s never told you because he wants to sleep with you next. You just don’t know. Whatever it is, give his wife some respect and stop pushing her buttons. Besides, if she is an insecure bat-shit person why do you care? He’s a grown man, he married her. Walk away.

Rank? Seriously?

If the wife came first, then her husband would bow out. She doesn’t “rank” over me in life. If he wants her to lord over him, that’s his choice. He has the option to call end the friendship.

My marriage is equal, and my friends are equal, but on a different plane. It’s so weird to discuss rank.

Yeah, I agree with the pp who said that you don't understand rank. In your mind, friends and spouses rank the same but that is not true for most people. We love our friends and we care about them but we are committed to our spouses and we actually do answer to our spouses. Friends just don't have the same level of skin in the game. Not even close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that I would feel comfortable hanging out with a married guy whose wife hated me. That just sounds like a really bad idea and when their marriage blows up, as it almost certainly will, I would not want either one of them to point the finger of blame in my direction.

Send cards and talk to them openly on Facebook.

+1 but exceptions made for friendships that pre-date the marriage. I wouldn't abandon a lifelong friend because their spouse hated me but I would not start a friendship with a guy who was married who's SO hated me.

I don't think it matters actually. Who cares if you knew the guy before he married his wife? He still married HER. That is the one he is committed to and if she hates your guts, doesn't want you to hang out with him and he knew that when he married her....he really should not be getting together with you.