Why do people care if adult children receive help from their parents/family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think all of you 'don't take the inheritance' posters are missing the reasoning behind the not taking money.

Usually it is either a) our parents are bad or controlling in some way and we don't want to be indebted to them or b) we don't want to hurt their time on this planet by shrinking their funds with our needs.

In both cases inheritance is an entirely different moral quandary that people may approach different. Maybe for some people in the first category it's blood money, maybe they will feel like they earned it by putting up with a toxic parent for so long. And for everyone in the second category it no longer matters.

There is a subset of, 'I can do it myself' people but accepting an inheritance when you have in fact, done it yourself your whole life is not hypocritical to me. And I'm not one of these people.

I think all the takers here think the 'reluctant-to-take' people just don't know how to ask for help. And that we are somehow miserly with our own children. There's a lot of nuance in this though, and so much to do with how you are raised and who your parents are.

If it's scenario A (abusive or controlling parents), then seriously, don't take the inheritance. If you're taking a stand about how you don't need their money because they're bad people, then follow through when they're dead too. The money is tainted whether the parents are alive or dead.

Scenario B- yes, this is very understandable and one that I would hope most reasonable adult children can see for themselves. I totally agree with you. BUT, that's not what original PP said. She said she thinks less of people who accept money from their parents and cited examples of house downpayment or schooling for kids that, while some people would be uncomfortable with, are definitely NOT the extremes that others are citing here- chronically under- or unemployed or co-dependent adult children, people who waste money, etc. So she struck some people as hypocritical because in accepting an inheritance (which we can all agree an adult child is not entitled to), she is in fact accepting money from her parents all the while castigating people who do it while their parents are still alive. And, she said that she doesn't consider paying for college to be "help," which leads me to assume that her parents paid for hers. My husband worked 50 hours a week at Walmart while going to college full-time because his parents couldn't pay. I can assure you he considers having a parent contribute to college to be a big help, in fact, probably one of the biggest pieces of assistance a parent could give.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a different category. My family can and does live within our own means, but we accept money from parents/ILs as part of their estate/retirement planning. Do we use that money -- only to increase our own savings that will likely be passed on to our own children -- but readily acknowledge that having savings like that gives us additional peace of mind that lets us be somewhat less frugal with our own income than we otherwise would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think all of you 'don't take the inheritance' posters are missing the reasoning behind the not taking money.

Usually it is either a) our parents are bad or controlling in some way and we don't want to be indebted to them or b) we don't want to hurt their time on this planet by shrinking their funds with our needs.

In both cases inheritance is an entirely different moral quandary that people may approach different. Maybe for some people in the first category it's blood money, maybe they will feel like they earned it by putting up with a toxic parent for so long. And for everyone in the second category it no longer matters.

There is a subset of, 'I can do it myself' people but accepting an inheritance when you have in fact, done it yourself your whole life is not hypocritical to me. And I'm not one of these people.

I think all the takers here think the 'reluctant-to-take' people just don't know how to ask for help. And that we are somehow miserly with our own children. There's a lot of nuance in this though, and so much to do with how you are raised and who your parents are.

If it's scenario A (abusive or controlling parents), then seriously, don't take the inheritance. If you're taking a stand about how you don't need their money because they're bad people, then follow through when they're dead too. The money is tainted whether the parents are alive or dead.

Scenario B- yes, this is very understandable and one that I would hope most reasonable adult children can see for themselves. I totally agree with you. BUT, that's not what original PP said. She said she thinks less of people who accept money from their parents and cited examples of house downpayment or schooling for kids that, while some people would be uncomfortable with, are definitely NOT the extremes that others are citing here- chronically under- or unemployed or co-dependent adult children, people who waste money, etc. So she struck some people as hypocritical because in accepting an inheritance (which we can all agree an adult child is not entitled to), she is in fact accepting money from her parents all the while castigating people who do it while their parents are still alive. And, she said that she doesn't consider paying for college to be "help," which leads me to assume that her parents paid for hers. My husband worked 50 hours a week at Walmart while going to college full-time because his parents couldn't pay. I can assure you he considers having a parent contribute to college to be a big help, in fact, probably one of the biggest pieces of assistance a parent could give.

I am that original PP I think. I really don't like cutting out the quotes when you're citing them as it makes it really hard to know who you're talking about. And I think you should MYOB about scenario A folks, they should do whatever they want. They were deprived a bunch of parental assistance like love and stability that the rest of us take for granted.

To clarify my personal stance, I said I think less of people who's parents are involved in their mortgage and helping to keep the lights on a regular basis. Not people who accept a down payment or a college education (this is why I think you're talking about me because yes I don't think it counts and I wrote that). I don't think a college education counts because parents are all encouraged to save for it from the moment a child is born. There is no cultural pressure or expectation that you should be saving for a new car for when your kid turns 22 or to save for helping them out with their electric bill. But people do try to save for their kids college education. I don't think that a child should feel bad about accepting something a parent spent their entire life saving for. Which is also why, to a lesser extent, I would put helping with a wedding or a down payment on a house in the same category. Some parents save for a 'entering adulthood' gift. This doesn't mean I don't count these things as 'help' but I count it as help the way every dime your parent ever spends on you is help. And parents have different amounts of money. Some can pay for Janie and Jack and then private school and a car when you're a teenager and fund your college. Some can keep food on the table and sneakers on your feet and bus fare and they can't put a dime towards college. But both of those kids can emerge independent and self reliant. If the rich kid's parents ALSO cosign a mortgage, pay it, and pay for him to start a small business? Well to me that's not standing on your own two feet. And that says something about that person.

For me it comes down to frequency. Are you receiving REGULAR help throughout your adulthood? Are you living a life outside your means because of continued support? A one time boost up over a wall isn't the same as a parent strapping the kid to their back and hiking up the mountain for them. I feel like people are playing dumb about the distinction here. The difference between helping with a down payment and helping with the monthly mortgage is enormous.

Inheritance is in my mind an entirely different thing. It is money that you didn't ask for, that you (hopefully) didn't plan for. It is not relying on mom and dad, it fell into your lap. What you chose to do with money that has such emotional weight is a personal decision IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a different category. My family can and does live within our own means, but we accept money from parents/ILs as part of their estate/retirement planning. Do we use that money -- only to increase our own savings that will likely be passed on to our own children -- but readily acknowledge that having savings like that gives us additional peace of mind that lets us be somewhat less frugal with our own income than we otherwise would.

Gifting money as part of estate planning is one thing. Giving money to adult children (I'm not talking about college) so that they can buy a fancy car or big house or buy other expensive things is another. Basically, when an adult depends on their parents for their lifestyle is I think what most people probably judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

+1. Exactly. Such hypocrisy.

+2

Inheritance is money your parents don't need. If you are taking from your parents you are taking from their retirement. When they are gone the money should go to whoever they want it to go to. But don't act like it is the same thing.

A competent self sufficient adult who has supported themselves for decades getting a small or even big inheritance that will improve their life but not save their life is not the same as someone who is never able to stand on their own two feet and slowly bleeds their parents dry as they age.

I never want my parents end of life medical care or retirement dreams/aspirations to suffer because I effed up. And I never want them to feel like they have influence over my life choices because they have a financial investment in them. That is stuff that can only happen when they are alive (which is hopefully for a very long time!)

Inheritance might be money your parents don't need because they're dead, but if you are as self-sufficient and independent as you say you are, you don't need it either once they're dead. I stand by my statement that you should give it to someone who DOES need it. Or your parents can donate it to their charity of choice.

And I'm not sure why you think that someone who gets help from their parents is someone who never stands on their feet and bleeds their parents dry. I agree that there are definitely dysfunctional and co-dependent adults who are way too reliant on their parents (my cousins fit the bill), but there are also people whose parents pay for their college (that's "help" from the parents), lend them a downpayment, pay for IVF, etc. but are not otherwise draining their parents' bank accounts.

I'm not talking about people who take a down payment or get a college education (I do not think that counts, that falls into the category of feeding your kid organic instead of McDonalds ie, some parents can afford to give more to their kid...you are still under their care at that point).

I am talking about the long term mooches. If you are in your 30s and your parents are involved in your mortgage, if you live in their basement, if you have to ask them to keep your lights on.

That is what most of us are talking about.

Some of us wouldn't take a dime but to me that usually points to overly controlling parents who have demonstrated that they are the kind of people you do not want to be indebted to.

The "never take a dime" people need to get their stories straight.

I stand with the other group. If you want to claim you'll never take a dime, that includes inheritance. Otherwise stop patting yourself on the back.

Sincerely,

A poster who lives within her means but appreciates the occasional checks form both sides of the family that allow us to take awesome vacations and will help pay for kids' college. And if there is anything left when our parents pass, we will appreciate the additional funds and have a nicer retirement ourselves.

Helping to launch your kids is one thing, spoiling them with vacations and other fun stuff is totally optional and not the same thing in my mind.

I like to take my kids out to dinner at nice restaurants but they need shoes on their feet. There is a difference between treating them and helping them out with something that they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not really jealousy so much as it's kind of sad that an adult still needs help from their parents, especially if you grew up without anyone helping you. Sure, I'll help my kids out if they really really need it, but if they just want nice things and can't afford it and expect me to pay for it, then no. Live within your means. That's the best gift I can give them.. to be self sufficient as an adult and knowing how to live within your means.

You are missing it. I am a poster upthread gifting my kids either a paid off house or a very large down payment. It will not be because they "really really need" it. It will be because I want to and because I was given a great head start by my parents, who set me up for success, I'm going to give my kids that same gift. I hope they don't really really need it. I just KNOW what an advantage young adults have whose parents pay for 6 years of their education and help them buy their first home.

I'm an American Jew and this is actually pretty normal in my community for those with means. We look out for each other, nobody gets left behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really jealousy so much as it's kind of sad that an adult still needs help from their parents, especially if you grew up without anyone helping you. Sure, I'll help my kids out if they really really need it, but if they just want nice things and can't afford it and expect me to pay for it, then no. Live within your means. That's the best gift I can give them.. to be self sufficient as an adult and knowing how to live within your means.

You are missing it. I am a poster upthread gifting my kids either a paid off house or a very large down payment. It will not be because they "really really need" it. It will be because I want to and because I was given a great head start by my parents, who set me up for success, I'm going to give my kids that same gift. I hope they don't really really need it. I just KNOW what an advantage young adults have whose parents pay for 6 years of their education and help them buy their first home.

I'm an American Jew and this is actually pretty normal in my community for those with means. We look out for each other, nobody gets left behind.

How would you feel about giving them that gift and also sending them 1k a month to make house payments? Money that if you didn't send they would not be able to live in that house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really jealousy so much as it's kind of sad that an adult still needs help from their parents, especially if you grew up without anyone helping you. Sure, I'll help my kids out if they really really need it, but if they just want nice things and can't afford it and expect me to pay for it, then no. Live within your means. That's the best gift I can give them.. to be self sufficient as an adult and knowing how to live within your means.

You are missing it. I am a poster upthread gifting my kids either a paid off house or a very large down payment. It will not be because they "really really need" it. It will be because I want to and because I was given a great head start by my parents, who set me up for success, I'm going to give my kids that same gift. I hope they don't really really need it. I just KNOW what an advantage young adults have whose parents pay for 6 years of their education and help them buy their first home.

I'm an American Jew and this is actually pretty normal in my community for those with means. We look out for each other, nobody gets left behind.

How would you feel about giving them that gift and also sending them 1k a month to make house payments? Money that if you didn't send they would not be able to live in that house?

Well, if I already gave them 500k, or if they were living mortgage free, that would be on them...obviously.

If we did not have the means we have, but my kids were struggling and needed 1k/mo to get them through a rough patch, then of course I would give them the 1K. I'm not going to have my kids lose their home.

I think some of you have some sort of fantasy going on in regards to how or why people get money from their parents. None of you know the intimate details of other people's lives unless you are their CPA. in my community, lots of people have made a good living for themselves and their kids go on to be quite successful with a hand up as young adults. I don't thinks WASPs understand this.

[Anonymous]

I can say that I do feel some jealousy toward my friend whose parents help her out financially a LOT. They bought her a condo and then when it sold they let her keep the profits. That was enough for a down payment on a house they would never have been able to afford otherwise. Then there are the vacations they pay every dime for, including food and other incidentals, that my friend would never be able to go on. When my friend is visiting her parents her mom will take my friend's car to the gas station to fill it up with gas for her. Gas is expensive because she drives a minivan. Her mom gives her cash for "spending money" pretty much every time she sees her. My friend had 3 kids, which is probably one more than they could really afford but her parents pay for summer camps and activities for all 3 kids. She will also get a huge inheritance, and her parents are saving for her kids' college so she doesn't have to worry much about the future either. Her parents aren't super well off, but their priority is to provide for their (adult) kids.

I will say that my friend realizes how lucky she is and is very generous herself. Sometimes I feel like a grinch next to her because I'm as generous as I can afford to be so I have to remind myself that we don't have anyone paying for these things for us which is why she's able to be so generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really jealousy so much as it's kind of sad that an adult still needs help from their parents, especially if you grew up without anyone helping you. Sure, I'll help my kids out if they really really need it, but if they just want nice things and can't afford it and expect me to pay for it, then no. Live within your means. That's the best gift I can give them.. to be self sufficient as an adult and knowing how to live within your means.

You are missing it. I am a poster upthread gifting my kids either a paid off house or a very large down payment. It will not be because they "really really need" it. It will be because I want to and because I was given a great head start by my parents, who set me up for success, I'm going to give my kids that same gift. I hope they don't really really need it. I just KNOW what an advantage young adults have whose parents pay for 6 years of their education and help them buy their first home.

I'm an American Jew and this is actually pretty normal in my community for those with means. We look out for each other, nobody gets left behind.

My parents paid for my college education and gave me $1,000 for graduate school. That's all the head start I needed and I'm incredibly grateful. From that point on until they passed away I never received monetary gifts or aid from them and I never needed it. For estate planning purposes I'm giving my kids money but it is going into trusts, not into their checking accounts. They are all doing very well on their own and don't need an additional advantage. But if they ever had a real need I'd be there for them in a minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

+1. Exactly. Such hypocrisy.

+2

Inheritance is money your parents don't need. If you are taking from your parents you are taking from their retirement. When they are gone the money should go to whoever they want it to go to. But don't act like it is the same thing.

A competent self sufficient adult who has supported themselves for decades getting a small or even big inheritance that will improve their life but not save their life is not the same as someone who is never able to stand on their own two feet and slowly bleeds their parents dry as they age.

I never want my parents end of life medical care or retirement dreams/aspirations to suffer because I effed up. And I never want them to feel like they have influence over my life choices because they have a financial investment in them. That is stuff that can only happen when they are alive (which is hopefully for a very long time!)

Inheritance might be money your parents don't need because they're dead, but if you are as self-sufficient and independent as you say you are, you don't need it either once they're dead. I stand by my statement that you should give it to someone who DOES need it. Or your parents can donate it to their charity of choice.

And I'm not sure why you think that someone who gets help from their parents is someone who never stands on their feet and bleeds their parents dry. I agree that there are definitely dysfunctional and co-dependent adults who are way too reliant on their parents (my cousins fit the bill), but there are also people whose parents pay for their college (that's "help" from the parents), lend them a downpayment, pay for IVF, etc. but are not otherwise draining their parents' bank accounts.

I'm not talking about people who take a down payment or get a college education (I do not think that counts, that falls into the category of feeding your kid organic instead of McDonalds ie, some parents can afford to give more to their kid...you are still under their care at that point).

I am talking about the long term mooches. If you are in your 30s and your parents are involved in your mortgage, if you live in their basement, if you have to ask them to keep your lights on.

That is what most of us are talking about.

Some of us wouldn't take a dime but to me that usually points to overly controlling parents who have demonstrated that they are the kind of people you do not want to be indebted to.

The "never take a dime" people need to get their stories straight.

I stand with the other group. If you want to claim you'll never take a dime, that includes inheritance. Otherwise stop patting yourself on the back.

Sincerely,

A poster who lives within her means but appreciates the occasional checks form both sides of the family that allow us to take awesome vacations and will help pay for kids' college. And if there is anything left when our parents pass, we will appreciate the additional funds and have a nicer retirement ourselves.

You are not getting it. The inheritance will most likely come, but in the off chance that it does not due to unforeseen circumstances, our parents raised us to fend for our lifestyles using our own money. I will teach my kids similarly. BTW I am Indian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really jealousy so much as it's kind of sad that an adult still needs help from their parents, especially if you grew up without anyone helping you. Sure, I'll help my kids out if they really really need it, but if they just want nice things and can't afford it and expect me to pay for it, then no. Live within your means. That's the best gift I can give them.. to be self sufficient as an adult and knowing how to live within your means.

You are missing it. I am a poster upthread gifting my kids either a paid off house or a very large down payment. It will not be because they "really really need" it. It will be because I want to and because I was given a great head start by my parents, who set me up for success, I'm going to give my kids that same gift. I hope they don't really really need it. I just KNOW what an advantage young adults have whose parents pay for 6 years of their education and help them buy their first home.

I'm an American Jew and this is actually pretty normal in my community for those with means. We look out for each other, nobody gets left behind.

I am an AA woman and my parents paid for college and helped me with my first house. That same house, in DC, bought when I was in my 20s unmarried with no kids, appreciated and helped build wealth for me. I have friends who left college burdened by debt and are still paying on those loans and were unable to get in the market when I did, who have to do a different calculus. My parents helped me because they wanted to and they could and I am forever grateful to them and I pay it back and forward in many tangible and intangible ways. Bootstrap people seem to want life to be hard for no good reason other than it should be, in their opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really jealousy so much as it's kind of sad that an adult still needs help from their parents, especially if you grew up without anyone helping you. Sure, I'll help my kids out if they really really need it, but if they just want nice things and can't afford it and expect me to pay for it, then no. Live within your means. That's the best gift I can give them.. to be self sufficient as an adult and knowing how to live within your means.

You are missing it. I am a poster upthread gifting my kids either a paid off house or a very large down payment. It will not be because they "really really need" it. It will be because I want to and because I was given a great head start by my parents, who set me up for success, I'm going to give my kids that same gift. I hope they don't really really need it. I just KNOW what an advantage young adults have whose parents pay for 6 years of their education and help them buy their first home.

I'm an American Jew and this is actually pretty normal in my community for those with means. We look out for each other, nobody gets left behind.

I am an AA woman and my parents paid for college and helped me with my first house. That same house, in DC, bought when I was in my 20s unmarried with no kids, appreciated and helped build wealth for me. I have friends who left college burdened by debt and are still paying on those loans and were unable to get in the market when I did, who have to do a different calculus. My parents helped me because they wanted to and they could and I am forever grateful to them and I pay it back and forward in many tangible and intangible ways. Bootstrap people seem to want life to be hard for no good reason other than it should be, in their opinion.

Both of you, and many other posters, seem to be intentionally ignoring the difference between helping your child launch and supporting them into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

+1 on calling their self-righteous bluff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really jealousy so much as it's kind of sad that an adult still needs help from their parents, especially if you grew up without anyone helping you. Sure, I'll help my kids out if they really really need it, but if they just want nice things and can't afford it and expect me to pay for it, then no. Live within your means. That's the best gift I can give them.. to be self sufficient as an adult and knowing how to live within your means.

You are missing it. I am a poster upthread gifting my kids either a paid off house or a very large down payment. It will not be because they "really really need" it. It will be because I want to and because I was given a great head start by my parents, who set me up for success, I'm going to give my kids that same gift. I hope they don't really really need it. I just KNOW what an advantage young adults have whose parents pay for 6 years of their education and help them buy their first home.

I'm an American Jew and this is actually pretty normal in my community for those with means. We look out for each other, nobody gets left behind.

How would you feel about giving them that gift and also sending them 1k a month to make house payments? Money that if you didn't send they would not be able to live in that house?

Well, if I already gave them 500k, or if they were living mortgage free, that would be on them...obviously.

If we did not have the means we have, but my kids were struggling and needed 1k/mo to get them through a rough patch, then of course I would give them the 1K. I'm not going to have my kids lose their home.

I think some of you have some sort of fantasy going on in regards to how or why people get money from their parents. None of you know the intimate details of other people's lives unless you are their CPA. in my community, lots of people have made a good living for themselves and their kids go on to be quite successful with a hand up as young adults. I don't thinks WASPs understand this.

Except that wouldn't be the end of it. If your kid was struggling to pay property taxes and keep the utilities on, what then?