Why do people care if adult children receive help from their parents/family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

Np and I think this is a morally superior position, yes

My parents came from a culture where parents basically set up their children as adults- paying for education, home, car, and even furniture. A lot of this was part of the marriage process- groom’s parents buy apartment, bride’s buy furniture, maybe car. People work it out, often with the wealthier family paying more.

Why all this coddling?

Because it is understood that after marriage people need a stable financial situation in order to have children and grandparents want grandchildren!

In theory, you would then save up and pay it forward with your own children.

Is this entire culture which has been doing things this way for a very long time morally inferior? Or perhaps they are smarter and don’t need to wait until 40 and need IVF treatments to have children?

NP here, and this makes complete sense to me even though I'm American. Albeit there should be more modest help if the parents can't afford quite this level of support. Then one day the grown children pay it forward to their own kids. It's a cycle.

I'm American and we are basically doing this with our good fortune. We live in a modest home, spend modestly, have a nice retirement planned, but basically live way below our means. Here are our plans:

-full college paid for for both kids
-school savings already started for unborn grandkids
- we have 2 investment properties. Those will each be sold and the money given to each kid for their first home.. given that the homes are in NOVA and my kids are 9&12, could be 500k or more after taxes.for each kid. Or if they want to live in the home and start their lives off mortgage free that is an option too.

All this goes out the window if they make a mess of their lives.

But, yes, my kids will start their lives without high housing costs and without school debt. If they want to start a family at a reasonable age, then they can make that decision without money being a deciding factor.

Our mindset is different from most Americans. Our success is not worth it and meaningless and our money squandered unless we can give our kids a head start in life. Both our parents helped us out (paid for school) and a few other things) and that gave us a huge advantage and set us up to give our kids even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

Np and I think this is a morally superior position, yes

My parents came from a culture where parents basically set up their children as adults- paying for education, home, car, and even furniture. A lot of this was part of the marriage process- groom’s parents buy apartment, bride’s buy furniture, maybe car. People work it out, often with the wealthier family paying more.

Why all this coddling?

Because it is understood that after marriage people need a stable financial situation in order to have children and grandparents want grandchildren!

In theory, you would then save up and pay it forward with your own children.

Is this entire culture which has been doing things this way for a very long time morally inferior? Or perhaps they are smarter and don’t need to wait until 40 and need IVF treatments to have children?

NP here, and this makes complete sense to me even though I'm American. Albeit there should be more modest help if the parents can't afford quite this level of support. Then one day the grown children pay it forward to their own kids. It's a cycle.

I'm American and we are basically doing this with our good fortune. We live in a modest home, spend modestly, have a nice retirement planned, but basically live way below our means. Here are our plans:

-full college paid for for both kids
-school savings already started for unborn grandkids
- we have 2 investment properties. Those will each be sold and the money given to each kid for their first home.. given that the homes are in NOVA and my kids are 9&12, could be 500k or more after taxes.for each kid. Or if they want to live in the home and start their lives off mortgage free that is an option too.

All this goes out the window if they make a mess of their lives.

But, yes, my kids will start their lives without high housing costs and without school debt. If they want to start a family at a reasonable age, then they can make that decision without money being a deciding factor.

Our mindset is different from most Americans. Our success is not worth it and meaningless and our money squandered unless we can give our kids a head start in life. Both our parents helped us out (paid for school) and a few other things) and that gave us a huge advantage and set us up to give our kids even more.

I agree and my husband and I plan to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

Np and I think this is a morally superior position, yes

My parents came from a culture where parents basically set up their children as adults- paying for education, home, car, and even furniture. A lot of this was part of the marriage process- groom’s parents buy apartment, bride’s buy furniture, maybe car. People work it out, often with the wealthier family paying more.

Why all this coddling?

Because it is understood that after marriage people need a stable financial situation in order to have children and grandparents want grandchildren!

In theory, you would then save up and pay it forward with your own children.

Is this entire culture which has been doing things this way for a very long time morally inferior? Or perhaps they are smarter and don’t need to wait until 40 and need IVF treatments to have children?

NP here, and this makes complete sense to me even though I'm American. Albeit there should be more modest help if the parents can't afford quite this level of support. Then one day the grown children pay it forward to their own kids. It's a cycle.

I'm American and we are basically doing this with our good fortune. We live in a modest home, spend modestly, have a nice retirement planned, but basically live way below our means. Here are our plans:

-full college paid for for both kids
-school savings already started for unborn grandkids
- we have 2 investment properties. Those will each be sold and the money given to each kid for their first home.. given that the homes are in NOVA and my kids are 9&12, could be 500k or more after taxes.for each kid. Or if they want to live in the home and start their lives off mortgage free that is an option too.

All this goes out the window if they make a mess of their lives.

But, yes, my kids will start their lives without high housing costs and without school debt. If they want to start a family at a reasonable age, then they can make that decision without money being a deciding factor.

Our mindset is different from most Americans. Our success is not worth it and meaningless and our money squandered unless we can give our kids a head start in life. Both our parents helped us out (paid for school) and a few other things) and that gave us a huge advantage and set us up to give our kids even more.

I agree and my husband and I plan to do the same.

My parents are from the above mentioned culture and they set me up and I intend to do the same for my children to whatever extent that I can. If my parents had not helped me I most likely would not have been able to have children as it took years of trying for us to have kids, and I was married very young by DCUM standards (23).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care. I’m only annoyed when those people are clueless about how fortunate they are and get snotty about things.

Now THIS I can get on board with.

+2. I have a friend whose grandparents send him $1,500 a month to help supplement his income (and have for ~20 yrs) because he and his wife are both ES teachers in NoVa and don't make a lot. They also gave my friend the house they used to live in near West Falls Church, and two new (~$40K) cars over the past several years, oh and $50K towards a home renovation a few years back. Over the past 15 years I know of at least two times he admitted to racking up over $10K in credit card debt only to have his grandparents pay it off for him after he complained about how they couldn't get out from underneath the debt (yeah, with no mortgage, no car payments, supplemented income... wow!)

Meanwhile this friend doesn't hesitate to make critical comments about how other people spend THEIR money, and acts like they are better than people who aren't middle/upper class (often the parents of the kids he teaches). He also places no priority on saving any money for retirement or their two kids college. Am I jealous? not at all, I would never want to live this way and I am convinced he's enjoyed this support for so long he is oblivious to how hard other people have to work to live/earn the same lifestyle he lives and how ridiculous it is that he acts like he's often better than others because he goes out to nice restaurants a ton, buys expensive TV's, takes expensive vacations...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care. I’m only annoyed when those people are clueless about how fortunate they are and get snotty about things.

Now THIS I can get on board with.

+2. I have a friend whose grandparents send him $1,500 a month to help supplement his income (and have for ~20 yrs) because he and his wife are both ES teachers in NoVa and don't make a lot. They also gave my friend the house they used to live in near West Falls Church, and two new (~$40K) cars over the past several years, oh and $50K towards a home renovation a few years back. Over the past 15 years I know of at least two times he admitted to racking up over $10K in credit card debt only to have his grandparents pay it off for him after he complained about how they couldn't get out from underneath the debt (yeah, with no mortgage, no car payments, supplemented income... wow!)

Meanwhile this friend doesn't hesitate to make critical comments about how other people spend THEIR money, and acts like they are better than people who aren't middle/upper class (often the parents of the kids he teaches). He also places no priority on saving any money for retirement or their two kids college. Am I jealous? not at all, I would never want to live this way and I am convinced he's enjoyed this support for so long he is oblivious to how hard other people have to work to live/earn the same lifestyle he lives and how ridiculous it is that he acts like he's often better than others because he goes out to nice restaurants a ton, buys expensive TV's, takes expensive vacations...

Why are you friends with such a jerk?

[Anonymous]

I come from a culture where your parents looked after you and put you first. You end up doing the same for your children. As a result of parents putting you first, you grow up and appreciate them more when you have your own kids. You recognize the love that motivated them. In turn, you feel blessed to take care of them as they grow older. Your children watch you take care of your elderly parents and they too learn these important lessons. You may think that taking care of elderly parents and your children (young or adults) comes out of duty but actually it comes out of intense love. In the end, everyone benefits and everyone is taken care of.

If parents help adult children, I feel that they do it out of love. Not everyone has functional families. Multi generational families where everyone is helping each other and looking after each other is a blessing and such people are fortunate. I have no problem when families help each other, because who else will they give their money to? Random strangers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

+1 Same here. Both sets of parents raised us to be independent. And they themselves were very independent and made a lot of money through sheer hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

+1. Exactly. Such hypocrisy.

+2

Inheritance is money your parents don't need. If you are taking from your parents you are taking from their retirement. When they are gone the money should go to whoever they want it to go to. But don't act like it is the same thing.

A competent self sufficient adult who has supported themselves for decades getting a small or even big inheritance that will improve their life but not save their life is not the same as someone who is never able to stand on their own two feet and slowly bleeds their parents dry as they age.

I never want my parents end of life medical care or retirement dreams/aspirations to suffer because I effed up. And I never want them to feel like they have influence over my life choices because they have a financial investment in them. That is stuff that can only happen when they are alive (which is hopefully for a very long time!)

Inheritance might be money your parents don't need because they're dead, but if you are as self-sufficient and independent as you say you are, you don't need it either once they're dead. I stand by my statement that you should give it to someone who DOES need it. Or your parents can donate it to their charity of choice.

And I'm not sure why you think that someone who gets help from their parents is someone who never stands on their feet and bleeds their parents dry. I agree that there are definitely dysfunctional and co-dependent adults who are way too reliant on their parents (my cousins fit the bill), but there are also people whose parents pay for their college (that's "help" from the parents), lend them a downpayment, pay for IVF, etc. but are not otherwise draining their parents' bank accounts.

I'm not talking about people who take a down payment or get a college education (I do not think that counts, that falls into the category of feeding your kid organic instead of McDonalds ie, some parents can afford to give more to their kid...you are still under their care at that point).

I am talking about the long term mooches. If you are in your 30s and your parents are involved in your mortgage, if you live in their basement, if you have to ask them to keep your lights on.

That is what most of us are talking about.

Some of us wouldn't take a dime but to me that usually points to overly controlling parents who have demonstrated that they are the kind of people you do not want to be indebted to.

The "never take a dime" people need to get their stories straight.

I stand with the other group. If you want to claim you'll never take a dime, that includes inheritance. Otherwise stop patting yourself on the back.

Sincerely,

A poster who lives within her means but appreciates the occasional checks form both sides of the family that allow us to take awesome vacations and will help pay for kids' college. And if there is anything left when our parents pass, we will appreciate the additional funds and have a nicer retirement ourselves.

[Anonymous]

My parents are very generous with us and I know that someday I will inherit a good amount of money but I pray that that will be many years from now. We are doing fine on our own, as my parents did when they were our age, and we have a very healthy respect for working hard and saving money just as my parents did. Their generosity did allow us to put a bigger downpayment down on our home but our income has to pay the mortgage and all of our bills. One part of their generosity that has been great is that they set up a family charitable trust and my siblings and I are each able to make larger charitable contributions than we could afford on our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

+1. Exactly. Such hypocrisy.

+2

Inheritance is money your parents don't need. If you are taking from your parents you are taking from their retirement. When they are gone the money should go to whoever they want it to go to. But don't act like it is the same thing.

A competent self sufficient adult who has supported themselves for decades getting a small or even big inheritance that will improve their life but not save their life is not the same as someone who is never able to stand on their own two feet and slowly bleeds their parents dry as they age.

I never want my parents end of life medical care or retirement dreams/aspirations to suffer because I effed up. And I never want them to feel like they have influence over my life choices because they have a financial investment in them. That is stuff that can only happen when they are alive (which is hopefully for a very long time!)

Inheritance might be money your parents don't need because they're dead, but if you are as self-sufficient and independent as you say you are, you don't need it either once they're dead. I stand by my statement that you should give it to someone who DOES need it. Or your parents can donate it to their charity of choice.

And I'm not sure why you think that someone who gets help from their parents is someone who never stands on their feet and bleeds their parents dry. I agree that there are definitely dysfunctional and co-dependent adults who are way too reliant on their parents (my cousins fit the bill), but there are also people whose parents pay for their college (that's "help" from the parents), lend them a downpayment, pay for IVF, etc. but are not otherwise draining their parents' bank accounts.

I'm not talking about people who take a down payment or get a college education (I do not think that counts, that falls into the category of feeding your kid organic instead of McDonalds ie, some parents can afford to give more to their kid...you are still under their care at that point).

I am talking about the long term mooches. If you are in your 30s and your parents are involved in your mortgage, if you live in their basement, if you have to ask them to keep your lights on.

That is what most of us are talking about.

Some of us wouldn't take a dime but to me that usually points to overly controlling parents who have demonstrated that they are the kind of people you do not want to be indebted to.

The "never take a dime" people need to get their stories straight.

I stand with the other group. If you want to claim you'll never take a dime, that includes inheritance. Otherwise stop patting yourself on the back.

Sincerely,

A poster who lives within her means but appreciates the occasional checks form both sides of the family that allow us to take awesome vacations and will help pay for kids' college. And if there is anything left when our parents pass, we will appreciate the additional funds and have a nicer retirement ourselves.

I think there are three groups here (never take a cent, sometimes in a special circumstance, and mom and dad fund my life). I'm the PP but I'm not the 'never take a dime' poster.

As with all things in life there is a spectrum:

1) I'd rather be homeless then take one red cent from my parents
2) I would accept money in a true and rare emergency situation but would be uncomfortable with anything more than that
3) I will accept some one time 'milestone' gifts that parents may have saved/planned for like money for education or a down payment but would not take any type of regular basis money
4) I work but mom and dad regularly help out with things like a bill or cosigning a mortgage and give large gifts like cars on a regular basis. I other words, I live a different lifestyle than I could otherwise sustain due to their intervention
5) Mom and Dad or Grandparents pay for all my needs and I do what I want but I'm a good person and work occasionally!
6) I'm a total eff up and mom and dad not only pay for everything but also have to regularly bail me out of terrible and expensive situations like paying for attorneys or bail or helping me pay the child support of my 4th and 2nd kids cause I can't get the money together this month

Personally I think the first three are better than the last three. I am somewhere between two and three myself. I think anyone in 5 or 6 should be ashamed of themselves. I think 4 is a middle ground where things could be great or codependent and it is probably very situational. I don't know many people in 4 that I consider capable of taking care of themselves if somehow the extras vanished and I think that is a dangerous place to be. I think everyone should go through at least a few years of their life as a 2 so they know they can.

[Anonymous]

I don't care what other parents give to their children. Not my business.

I do get annoyed when a kid is given so much and helped so much by their parents (and it isn't always wealthy parents who do this) that they really have no clue what it's like to actually have to struggle for things in life. They sort of develop a "Well it sucks to be you!" attitude. They have a sense of entitlement...like they are owed things in life that others aren't...and that is a bit off putting.

It's fine to help your kids, don't get me wrong. But they really do need some grounding in order to be well rounded individuals.

[Anonymous]

I also think all of you 'don't take the inheritance' posters are missing the reasoning behind the not taking money.

Usually it is either a) our parents are bad or controlling in some way and we don't want to be indebted to them or b) we don't want to hurt their time on this planet by shrinking their funds with our needs.

In both cases inheritance is an entirely different moral quandary that people may approach different. Maybe for some people in the first category it's blood money, maybe they will feel like they earned it by putting up with a toxic parent for so long. And for everyone in the second category it no longer matters.

There is a subset of, 'I can do it myself' people but accepting an inheritance when you have in fact, done it yourself your whole life is not hypocritical to me. And I'm not one of these people.

I think all the takers here think the 'reluctant-to-take' people just don't know how to ask for help. And that we are somehow miserly with our own children. There's a lot of nuance in this though, and so much to do with how you are raised and who your parents are.

[Anonymous]

Anyone in the situation of getting unneeded financial gifts from one set of parents and helping the other in law financially when requested?

[Anonymous]

All families are different. For many of us, it's a two-way street.

-- My parents helped me pay for college, but I also had small loans. ILs paid for DH's college.
-- We got jobs and were out of the house right after college, with no support.
--We paid for the bulk of our wedding, but each set of parents gave us $1,000. For about 6 grand we had a wedding for 120 people with an open bar, paid for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon too.
--Bought our first house on our own with FHA help. It would be a "sh+tshack" to most of DCUM.
--Bought a condo for my Father when he went bankrupt. Moved him into assisted living and helped pay for that when he was no longer able to care for himself.
-- Took in my mother when she could no longer care for herself, and helped set her up in a new situation.
--Accepted money from MIL to help pay for Ds's tutoring special needs.
--Accepted money from MIL to upgrade the windows in our home. They were icing over from the inside.
--Accepted car from MIL when she decided to stop driving at about the same time someone rear-ended and totaled our car. Now we take her shopping, to doctor's appointments, etc., do small repairs on her home, etc.

It's all a give and take. You know, just like families should be. DH and I have both been working since we were 15 and in no way feel as though we don't stand on our own two feet. Sometimes, though, gifts of money -- and time -- go a long way to help ease harder times.

[Anonymous]

Not really jealousy so much as it's kind of sad that an adult still needs help from their parents, especially if you grew up without anyone helping you. Sure, I'll help my kids out if they really really need it, but if they just want nice things and can't afford it and expect me to pay for it, then no. Live within your means. That's the best gift I can give them.. to be self sufficient as an adult and knowing how to live within your means.