Why do people care if adult children receive help from their parents/family?

[Anonymous]

The only thing I get jealously bitter about is people with kids who get along well and adore each other and never fight. But in that jealousy I don’t feel morally superior. I don’t get that, is it a defense mechanism to feel superior to those you are jealous of? What makes you care about other people’s bank accounts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is going to such extremes- either you NEVER accept a dime from your parents or you are completely 100% financially and emotionally dependent on them. There's a middle ground, you know...

Exactly. I'm not too sure why people assume that those who receive $$ from their parents are leeching of them or financially dependent on them. I am 20:38 from page 1. We are not at all dependent on money from my parents or IL's. But we sure as shit aren't going to refuse it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

+1. Exactly. Such hypocrisy.

+2

Inheritance is money your parents don't need. If you are taking from your parents you are taking from their retirement. When they are gone the money should go to whoever they want it to go to. But don't act like it is the same thing.

A competent self sufficient adult who has supported themselves for decades getting a small or even big inheritance that will improve their life but not save their life is not the same as someone who is never able to stand on their own two feet and slowly bleeds their parents dry as they age.

I never want my parents end of life medical care or retirement dreams/aspirations to suffer because I effed up. And I never want them to feel like they have influence over my life choices because they have a financial investment in them. That is stuff that can only happen when they are alive (which is hopefully for a very long time!)

Inheritance might be money your parents don't need because they're dead, but if you are as self-sufficient and independent as you say you are, you don't need it either once they're dead. I stand by my statement that you should give it to someone who DOES need it. Or your parents can donate it to their charity of choice.

And I'm not sure why you think that someone who gets help from their parents is someone who never stands on their feet and bleeds their parents dry. I agree that there are definitely dysfunctional and co-dependent adults who are way too reliant on their parents (my cousins fit the bill), but there are also people whose parents pay for their college (that's "help" from the parents), lend them a downpayment, pay for IVF, etc. but are not otherwise draining their parents' bank accounts.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I never received help from our parents because we were both working and doing well enough to meet our needs. Ultimately my DH did very well financially and since we are in our late 60's estate planning is very important to us. We have set up 529 plans for our grandchildren and give annual gifts to our children all as part of our estate planning. They don't need the money as they are all doing well on their own but I have no interest in seeing someone have to pay estate taxes on what has already been taxed. FWIW - we also contribute a lot to charity as part of our estate planning. If our kids were not mature and fiscally responsible we would take a very different approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

Did your parents pay for you college education? Grad school? Wedding?

NP here, no, no and no. I agree with PP, I don’t care if other people take their parents money, but I would be ashamed to not be independent and take from my parents and in-laws. My siblings take from my parents, one is 40 and the other 33. It’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

Get off your moral high horse! For a number of years before my parents passed away they gave the maximum allowable annual gifts to all of their children and grandchildren to minimize estate taxes. We had always paid our own bills and didn't need the money but I wasn't going to say no. I intend to do the same with my kids as I'm confident they will be able to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

+1. Exactly. Such hypocrisy.

+2

Inheritance is money your parents don't need. If you are taking from your parents you are taking from their retirement. When they are gone the money should go to whoever they want it to go to. But don't act like it is the same thing.

A competent self sufficient adult who has supported themselves for decades getting a small or even big inheritance that will improve their life but not save their life is not the same as someone who is never able to stand on their own two feet and slowly bleeds their parents dry as they age.

I never want my parents end of life medical care or retirement dreams/aspirations to suffer because I effed up. And I never want them to feel like they have influence over my life choices because they have a financial investment in them. That is stuff that can only happen when they are alive (which is hopefully for a very long time!)

Inheritance might be money your parents don't need because they're dead, but if you are as self-sufficient and independent as you say you are, you don't need it either once they're dead. I stand by my statement that you should give it to someone who DOES need it. Or your parents can donate it to their charity of choice.

And I'm not sure why you think that someone who gets help from their parents is someone who never stands on their feet and bleeds their parents dry. I agree that there are definitely dysfunctional and co-dependent adults who are way too reliant on their parents (my cousins fit the bill), but there are also people whose parents pay for their college (that's "help" from the parents), lend them a downpayment, pay for IVF, etc. but are not otherwise draining their parents' bank accounts.

I'm not talking about people who take a down payment or get a college education (I do not think that counts, that falls into the category of feeding your kid organic instead of McDonalds ie, some parents can afford to give more to their kid...you are still under their care at that point).

I am talking about the long term mooches. If you are in your 30s and your parents are involved in your mortgage, if you live in their basement, if you have to ask them to keep your lights on.

That is what most of us are talking about.

Some of us wouldn't take a dime but to me that usually points to overly controlling parents who have demonstrated that they are the kind of people you do not want to be indebted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

Did your parents pay for you college education? Grad school? Wedding?

NP here, no, no and no. I agree with PP, I don’t care if other people take their parents money, but I would be ashamed to not be independent and take from my parents and in-laws. My siblings take from my parents, one is 40 and the other 33. It’s sad.

PP do you really not think those things are different though? You think getting an education is being a mooch?

My parents and I split my wedding equally. They had a lot of wants and desires about the event and co-hosted and so I felt it was only fair that they contribute since the event was far more expensive than I would have planned on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get annoyed when my parents give money to support my brother, who could be self sufficient if he chose to be. As the kid who is most financially successful, I will be expected to support my parents in their old age. The more they give away to him, the most support I will have to give them.

I hope that we can all agree this is a problem. Have you discussed this with your parents in terms of asking them what provisions they've made for themselves for old age?

This is true in our family too. We are the financially stable contingent and the others get money that is never offered to us. MIL is borderline dementia, so she thinks the money will last forever and there is no changing her mind. It's going to be shit city in 10-15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I never received help from our parents because we were both working and doing well enough to meet our needs. Ultimately my DH did very well financially and since we are in our late 60's estate planning is very important to us. We have set up 529 plans for our grandchildren and give annual gifts to our children all as part of our estate planning. They don't need the money as they are all doing well on their own but I have no interest in seeing someone have to pay estate taxes on what has already been taxed. FWIW - we also contribute a lot to charity as part of our estate planning. If our kids were not mature and fiscally responsible we would take a very different approach.

This is beautiful. Congratulations on raising responsible kids. I hope to be in your position one day with happy, healthy kids & grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I never received help from our parents because we were both working and doing well enough to meet our needs. Ultimately my DH did very well financially and since we are in our late 60's estate planning is very important to us. We have set up 529 plans for our grandchildren and give annual gifts to our children all as part of our estate planning. They don't need the money as they are all doing well on their own but I have no interest in seeing someone have to pay estate taxes on what has already been taxed. FWIW - we also contribute a lot to charity as part of our estate planning. If our kids were not mature and fiscally responsible we would take a very different approach.

You sound very much like my parents. They are incredibly generous with my siblings and I and all of their grandchildren. I know it sometimes bothers my DH that they are so generous because he wants to be the "provider"....which he does very well...but he has a great relationship with my parents so he doesn't question their motivation. He knows it's about estate planning. My parents raised us and taught us to be very good and smart with money so what we receive from them doesn't support a lifestyle we can't achieve on our own. It goes into our savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. DH and I have a ton of money now but neither of us did growing up. I had a 100% scholarship for college (state school), had a part-time job to save for a computer (engineering major and I needed one) and I borrowed money to go to grad school. We've never gotten any help from my parents or in-laws and I would feel horrified if they felt I expected it somehow. I also don't feel that I've missed out on anything in life. I think you should try to find a way to feel okay about where you are in life. You can't change your family of origin's financial situation so how does stewing over that help you at all?

That's really good, how much is a ton of money though? It is interesting to hear people's opinions.
I remember in University when a friend said she was broke but gave me her debit card for me to withdraw money for taxi later on that night and the balance was over $7000. I was so surprised that was her version of broke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

Np and I think this is a morally superior position, yes

Why?

My husband and I have a net worth of over 1M. (not wealthy by DCUM standards but clearly we’re doing ok). My parents helped us with a down payment when we bought our house and his parents have helped us along the way randomly with gifts of 10k here and there. We could have done without it - we are very good with our money- but I don’t know why that would have made us morally superior to decline the money. Can you elaborate on why that is so superior?

That occasional support is also a great tax planning idea to minimize the tax burden later. Transfer as much as you can now to family. Some others don't seem to think like that and actually are degrading wealth rather than preserving it across generations.

Oh, is this like environmentalism for money?

[Anonymous]

I don’t care. I’m only annoyed when those people are clueless about how fortunate they are and get snotty about things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care. I’m only annoyed when those people are clueless about how fortunate they are and get snotty about things.

Now THIS I can get on board with.