Why do people care if adult children receive help from their parents/family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:because it’s pathetic to be a 50-something adult who expects an 80+ year old parent to pay your bills.

If you help your kids too much as adults, they will come to expect it and never be able to stand on their own two feet.

You do have to be careful about this. I saw two family memebers (both males) drop out of college and come back home to live with their parents. Which they continue to do to this day.....they are both now in their 40s. It was my aunt and uncle’s choice and they never complain but there is no way in hell I want my son living with us forever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

But will you help your kids? I have two kids in grad school and two more who have to get to college and beyond. I (and my two oldest) feel very lucky that they will start their careers without debt.

[Anonymous]

Because, much like the people who insist that if you are wealthy a spend a dime of your money on a nice car or designer bag etc you must have a character flaw, these people have bought into the myth that they are roses that sprang from the concrete and that not accepting their parents' largesse makes them somehow morally better than others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

Np and I think this is a morally superior position, yes

Why?

My husband and I have a net worth of over 1M. (not wealthy by DCUM standards but clearly we’re doing ok). My parents helped us with a down payment when we bought our house and his parents have helped us along the way randomly with gifts of 10k here and there. We could have done without it - we are very good with our money- but I don’t know why that would have made us morally superior to decline the money. Can you elaborate on why that is so superior?

That occasional support is also a great tax planning idea to minimize the tax burden later. Transfer as much as you can now to family. Some others don't seem to think like that and actually are degrading wealth rather than preserving it across generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

+1 We are generation X’ers and grew up valuing our independence (personal and financial) from our parents. Unlike the millennials we considered it shameful to lose that independence by taking our parents’ money once we became adults ourselves.

[Anonymous]

I don't really have a problem with people whose parents help them. Mine helped as much as they could with college tuition and paid for a modest wedding, and I'm grateful. I do have a problem with people who get help but make a big deal about how self-made they are and judge people with less as if they must have made poor choices. It's the "money and success = moral superiority" crowd I can't deal with, not the people with family money who are humble about their good fortune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have a problem with it OP...so why don’t you tell us

[Anonymous]

Receiving big gifts, vacations, whatever doesn’t bother me. But paying your adult child’s monthly bills is weird as sh*t to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Receiving big gifts, vacations, whatever doesn’t bother me. But paying your adult child’s monthly bills is weird as sh*t to me.

I agree - it’s even weirder when the adult child is employed, and the parent paying the bills is retired and on a fixed income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People or jealous or they are judgmental. Wealthy people and poor people seem to be able to accept that it’s your money to do with what you want for whomever you want. The middle class is outraged.

My family’s cultural background is that we all help each other. I’ve worked since I was 12 and not babysitting or a paper route. I happily pay for small luxuries for my hard working young adult DC.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

Boom! Spot on, PP. Prior PP is a sanctimonious hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

Np and I think this is a morally superior position, yes

My parents came from a culture where parents basically set up their children as adults- paying for education, home, car, and even furniture. A lot of this was part of the marriage process- groom’s parents buy apartment, bride’s buy furniture, maybe car. People work it out, often with the wealthier family paying more.

Why all this coddling?

Because it is understood that after marriage people need a stable financial situation in order to have children and grandparents want grandchildren!

In theory, you would then save up and pay it forward with your own children.

Is this entire culture which has been doing things this way for a very long time morally inferior? Or perhaps they are smarter and don’t need to wait until 40 and need IVF treatments to have children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

I don't either. In my family we are "all in" so if you need something then I'll help you with it, and vice versa. I definitely think less of people who believe that they are morally superior and who live in silos. The lessons I learned watching my parents is that we look out for others and we give not only from our excess but from our core. There were definitely times when we as a family went without because my parents were helping out another member of the family. It is a lesson that I hope my husband and I have passed on to our children.

You parents put other family members before their own children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

+1. Exactly. Such hypocrisy.