Why do people care if adult children receive help from their parents/family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really jealousy so much as it's kind of sad that an adult still needs help from their parents, especially if you grew up without anyone helping you. Sure, I'll help my kids out if they really really need it, but if they just want nice things and can't afford it and expect me to pay for it, then no. Live within your means. That's the best gift I can give them.. to be self sufficient as an adult and knowing how to live within your means.

You are missing it. I am a poster upthread gifting my kids either a paid off house or a very large down payment. It will not be because they "really really need" it. It will be because I want to and because I was given a great head start by my parents, who set me up for success, I'm going to give my kids that same gift. I hope they don't really really need it. I just KNOW what an advantage young adults have whose parents pay for 6 years of their education and help them buy their first home.

I'm an American Jew and this is actually pretty normal in my community for those with means. We look out for each other, nobody gets left behind.

I am an AA woman and my parents paid for college and helped me with my first house. That same house, in DC, bought when I was in my 20s unmarried with no kids, appreciated and helped build wealth for me. I have friends who left college burdened by debt and are still paying on those loans and were unable to get in the market when I did, who have to do a different calculus. My parents helped me because they wanted to and they could and I am forever grateful to them and I pay it back and forward in many tangible and intangible ways. Bootstrap people seem to want life to be hard for no good reason other than it should be, in their opinion.

No, bootstrap people think it's important for adults to live within their means and not rely on mommy and daddy to pay for their lifestyle.

Nobody is advocating that adult parents should allow their adult children to be homeless if they hit a bump in the road. There is a difference between helping them out when they need it and never teaching your children to be self sufficient.

If you can't afford to buy a nice house, then buy a smaller one, or wait until you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a different category. My family can and does live within our own means, but we accept money from parents/ILs as part of their estate/retirement planning. Do we use that money -- only to increase our own savings that will likely be passed on to our own children -- but readily acknowledge that having savings like that gives us additional peace of mind that lets us be somewhat less frugal with our own income than we otherwise would.

Gifting money as part of estate planning is one thing. Giving money to adult children (I'm not talking about college) so that they can buy a fancy car or big house or buy other expensive things is another. Basically, when an adult depends on their parents for their lifestyle is I think what most people probably judge.

What about gifting money to an adult child (kid A) so that they have a down payment on a modest house or they can buy a cheap, reliable car. What if you gave a similar amount to your other child (kid B) and that child spent some of their own money to upgrade up to a bigger house or a nicer vehicle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

Got it. Just waiting it out until you can cash in your inheritance. You will WILL accept a huge amount of help. Just not at this moment. Functionally (and morally) there is no difference.

Yep. People without the parental-supplied future safety net of an inheritance have to worry about & put aside money for a lot of things you & your DH do not (retirement, elder care, etc) because they will likely be funded by your inheritance (aka your parents’ & in-laws’ $ as opposed to $ you actually earned). Does this mean they should think less of you?

People shouldn't count on retirement from an inheritance. I have seen many inheritances go out the door before they get to the children due to dementia care, dementia spending and remarriage. I have seen parents live into their late 90's and have children in their 70's- well past the age of retirement.

I know people whose parents or grandparents set up retirement funds for them. One had a couple of hundred thousand in an IRA funded by her parents but always complained she was “poor”. When it was pointed out to her that she had all that money, she said it didn’t count because she couldn’t access it now without penalty. She didn’t get that most people had to take money from their actually paychecks if they wanted to have funding for their future retirements so the fact that she didn’t did, in fact, give her a financial leg up (as did the fact that, unlike many of her peer, her parents fully funded both her undergrad & graduate degrees, leaving her with no loan payments coming out of her paycheck).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the real reason it bothers people is that it highlights the myth that the US is a meritocracy.

Exactly this. People who assume anyone who gets financial help from their parents are leeches on society are likely just uncomfortable with the idea that people who are hardworking ALSO often benefit from parents who have disposable income.

I have been working full-time since I graduated from grad school. My husband has as well. We do not take money from my parents for daily expenses, but my parents are wealthy and gave us $50,000 for our wedding. We used that money for a down payment on our first house. I am not going to apologize for accepting money my parents offered to us (I never asked for it). Without it we would've had to wait a much longer time to buy a home. We are a perfect example of how privilege can work.

And who supported you while you were in grad school? Did you work enough hours a week to pay your for food, rent, transportation costs, etc in addition to tuition or earn a merit based living stipend? Or did your parents pay for some or all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really jealousy so much as it's kind of sad that an adult still needs help from their parents, especially if you grew up without anyone helping you. Sure, I'll help my kids out if they really really need it, but if they just want nice things and can't afford it and expect me to pay for it, then no. Live within your means. That's the best gift I can give them.. to be self sufficient as an adult and knowing how to live within your means.

You are missing it. I am a poster upthread gifting my kids either a paid off house or a very large down payment. It will not be because they "really really need" it. It will be because I want to and because I was given a great head start by my parents, who set me up for success, I'm going to give my kids that same gift. I hope they don't really really need it. I just KNOW what an advantage young adults have whose parents pay for 6 years of their education and help them buy their first home.

I'm an American Jew and this is actually pretty normal in my community for those with means. We look out for each other, nobody gets left behind.

How would you feel about giving them that gift and also sending them 1k a month to make house payments? Money that if you didn't send they would not be able to live in that house?

Well, if I already gave them 500k, or if they were living mortgage free, that would be on them...obviously.

If we did not have the means we have, but my kids were struggling and needed 1k/mo to get them through a rough patch, then of course I would give them the 1K. I'm not going to have my kids lose their home.

I think some of you have some sort of fantasy going on in regards to how or why people get money from their parents. None of you know the intimate details of other people's lives unless you are their CPA. in my community, lots of people have made a good living for themselves and their kids go on to be quite successful with a hand up as young adults. I don't thinks WASPs understand this.

This WASP is very grateful to the American Jew attorney who set up my in-laws estate plan to gift us annually, provide a 20% down payment and fund private school & 529s for each grandchild. We have taught our kids to be thoughtful, and dare I say frugal with their money. Look for value, etc. We intend to pay it forward the way they did to us. We expect them to have good jobs that can support families, but we also will gift to them for wedding, childbirth, house, tuition, vacation, etc.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents gave me 10k to put down on our first home. This was in 2000 and both died by 2003 but they were absolutely joyful to see the house we bought!

I just inherited a modest amount after my dad died. It went back into our house for some renovations.

My mom still gives us thousands yearly but DH and I can’t ever mention this to my ILs. ILs are like OP and anti supporting adult children. Truth is, any money we receive from my mom is put to practical use and I ran like a new oven or w/d or a new front door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care. I’m only annoyed when those people are clueless about how fortunate they are and get snotty about things.

+1 normally; however, I do get annoyed when people who do get help from their parents act as if they have tons of money, not that they have to disclose it, but I work with a woman in her 40's, married who recently purchased a house in a pricey area. She will not shut up about the neighborhood and how wonderful it is and better it is than other areas (aka where we live).
Only a handful of us know that her parents gave her a chunk of money for it. I also have an adult neighbor who lives with his parents in his childhood bedroom. Quit his job 10 years ago to avoid child and spousal support (still had to pay child support because Maryland does not play around). His parents pay it and all his bills. He still goes on trips and parties. His mom pops by for once in awhile to vent. He has not worked in a decade, but complains about illegals, their entitlement, gossips about who just purchased a new car or made home improvements and complains how expensive everything is. His siblings hate him.

[Anonymous]

I care because I'm worried that my in-laws are going to spend all their money on my SIL and BIL and their stupid life choices and it will be me and my husband who will have to support my MIL and FIL because they'll go broke. That's why I care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

I really hope you can appreciate your hypocrisy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care. I’m only annoyed when those people are clueless about how fortunate they are and get snotty about things.

+1 normally; however, I do get annoyed when people who do get help from their parents act as if they have tons of money, not that they have to disclose it, but I work with a woman in her 40's, married who recently purchased a house in a pricey area. She will not shut up about the neighborhood and how wonderful it is and better it is than other areas (aka where we live).
Only a handful of us know that her parents gave her a chunk of money for it. I also have an adult neighbor who lives with his parents in his childhood bedroom. Quit his job 10 years ago to avoid child and spousal support (still had to pay child support because Maryland does not play around). His parents pay it and all his bills. He still goes on trips and parties. His mom pops by for once in awhile to vent. He has not worked in a decade, but complains about illegals, their entitlement, gossips about who just purchased a new car or made home improvements and complains how expensive everything is. His siblings hate him.

+2
We have friends who could not live where they do without the significant help they receive from one set of parents, and they are beyond snobby about it. The husband openly criticizes the schools where we live, and it's laughable, because he couldn't afford to even live there without the money they've received from his parents-in-law. Get a clue, already. We bought what we could afford, without the gift of a large downpayment. That's true of most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandparents gave me 10k to put down on our first home. This was in 2000 and both died by 2003 but they were absolutely joyful to see the house we bought!

I just inherited a modest amount after my dad died. It went back into our house for some renovations.

My mom still gives us thousands yearly but DH and I can’t ever mention this to my ILs. ILs are like OP and anti supporting adult children. Truth is, any money we receive from my mom is put to practical use and I ran like a new oven or w/d or a new front door.

I have zero problem with this. But if you take a vacation every year, the bolded is just wrong. If you need a new oven, or a new front door, you'd find the money to pay for it elsewhere - likely by deferring or downgrading your vacation. So call it what it is - your mother is subsidizing your vacation.

This is what people mean when they say money is fungible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I care because I'm worried that my in-laws are going to spend all their money on my SIL and BIL and their stupid life choices and it will be me and my husband who will have to support my MIL and FIL because they'll go broke. That's why I care.

I am 100% with you. My husband and I sacrifice to live within our means, while MIL funds the whims of my BIL’s family. If she goes broke, it will be my family, not his, funding her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I care because I'm worried that my in-laws are going to spend all their money on my SIL and BIL and their stupid life choices and it will be me and my husband who will have to support my MIL and FIL because they'll go broke. That's why I care.

I am 100% with you. My husband and I sacrifice to live within our means, while MIL funds the whims of my BIL’s family. If she goes broke, it will be my family, not his, funding her life.

It doesn't have to be, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I care because I'm worried that my in-laws are going to spend all their money on my SIL and BIL and their stupid life choices and it will be me and my husband who will have to support my MIL and FIL because they'll go broke. That's why I care.

I am 100% with you. My husband and I sacrifice to live within our means, while MIL funds the whims of my BIL’s family. If she goes broke, it will be my family, not his, funding her life.

It doesn't have to be, you know.

What do you expect us to do? Leave her on the stoop of a local church? Are there foster homes for broke 85 year olds?

[Anonymous]

I only cared because my sister and her husband were clearly sucking as much money out of my parents as they could possibly extract. I was embarrassed to do likewise. It ended up as abusive toward the end of my mom's life, yet the assisted living acted as if my sister and I were both a problem. We weren't. I took care of my mom. She alternated between badgering her for money/things and giving her the cold shoulder. I guess the results show. Sis' kids are 1) estranged. 2) employing the same badgering/distancing strategy. Mine are self sufficient.