Why do people care if adult children receive help from their parents/family?

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a house with a lot of love but not a lot of money. In adulthood my husband and I have had to financially support ourselves in every major life step we took. Putting ourselves through school, paying for our own wedding, saving for a house and everything in between.

It is difficult as we do not have a safety net and requires a lot of self discipline and requires for us to keep tight fisted all the while watching rich people in the DMV live lavish lives.

When I see my colleagues or friends who were lucky enough to be born into families that are financially secure, I envy them. It must be so nice to be taken care of and have a financial safety net as you navigate your way into adulthood.

It is also a parents biological imperative to provide as comfortable and safe a life for their offspring. If the means are there, it is absolutely legitimate to support your children financially whenever needed.

Is this just jealous people who are upset they don't have this safety net?

[Anonymous]

I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

[Anonymous]

People or jealous or they are judgmental. Wealthy people and poor people seem to be able to accept that it’s your money to do with what you want for whomever you want. The middle class is outraged.

My family’s cultural background is that we all help each other. I’ve worked since I was 12 and not babysitting or a paper route. I happily pay for small luxuries for my hard working young adult DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm sorry you can't get over this. I feel like you post here again and again.

Your words: had to financially support ourselves in every major life step --- most people do
we do not have a safety net --- same as most people

Get over yourself. You aren't particularly unique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

[Anonymous]

Meh. DH and I have a ton of money now but neither of us did growing up. I had a 100% scholarship for college (state school), had a part-time job to save for a computer (engineering major and I needed one) and I borrowed money to go to grad school. We've never gotten any help from my parents or in-laws and I would feel horrified if they felt I expected it somehow. I also don't feel that I've missed out on anything in life. I think you should try to find a way to feel okay about where you are in life. You can't change your family of origin's financial situation so how does stewing over that help you at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

I don't either. In my family we are "all in" so if you need something then I'll help you with it, and vice versa. I definitely think less of people who believe that they are morally superior and who live in silos. The lessons I learned watching my parents is that we look out for others and we give not only from our excess but from our core. There were definitely times when we as a family went without because my parents were helping out another member of the family. It is a lesson that I hope my husband and I have passed on to our children.

[Anonymous]

I really don't care, but it does seem to me that people who receive subsidies in their 20s sometimes don't develop as good financial habits or the idea that they must live within their means. That can really come back to bite them later in life, especially if the parents aren't actually rich, just bad with money. Now that I'm in my late 30s I'm definitely seeing chickens come home to roost for some of my peers.

[Anonymous]

In our family history, you pay it forward. No one was particularly wealthy, but the parents paid for college and gave a down payment for a house. Each generation that follows has done the same thing. I had enough money for a down payment, but my parents volunteered to help so I could shave years off the mortgage. I didn’t ask for it nor did I expect it, it when offered, I took it. I fully expect to do the same for my children. What would be greedy is always to be the recipient, and not the giver. Who cares how it is spread across the generations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

Np and I think this is a morally superior position, yes

[Anonymous]

because it’s pathetic to be a 50-something adult who expects an 80+ year old parent to pay your bills.

If you help your kids too much as adults, they will come to expect it and never be able to stand on their own two feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

Did your parents pay for you college education? Grad school? Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

Np and I think this is a morally superior position, yes

Why?

My husband and I have a net worth of over 1M. (not wealthy by DCUM standards but clearly we’re doing ok). My parents helped us with a down payment when we bought our house and his parents have helped us along the way randomly with gifts of 10k here and there. We could have done without it - we are very good with our money- but I don’t know why that would have made us morally superior to decline the money. Can you elaborate on why that is so superior?

[Anonymous]

I think most Americans hold the core value that what you have you earn. Taking from parents to buy a house, get an advanced degree or otherwise acquire what you personally can't afford is considered leeching.

Of course, among DCUM, being born into wealth is somehow considered to be earned. Not sure how, but then I wasn't.