Why do people care if adult children receive help from their parents/family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

+1. Exactly. Such hypocrisy.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

Np and I think this is a morally superior position, yes

My parents came from a culture where parents basically set up their children as adults- paying for education, home, car, and even furniture. A lot of this was part of the marriage process- groom’s parents buy apartment, bride’s buy furniture, maybe car. People work it out, often with the wealthier family paying more.

Why all this coddling?

Because it is understood that after marriage people need a stable financial situation in order to have children and grandparents want grandchildren!

In theory, you would then save up and pay it forward with your own children.

Is this entire culture which has been doing things this way for a very long time morally inferior? Or perhaps they are smarter and don’t need to wait until 40 and need IVF treatments to have children?

PP this is a very interesting point....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

+1. Exactly. Such hypocrisy.

+2

+3
Pretty funny

[Anonymous]

I find it obnoxious that certain bitter posters keep pretending the continuum runs from

people who get a lot of help -----> people who get no help

In reality, it's:

people who get a lot of help -----> people who get no help ----> people who help support their aging parents

Wow your parents don't need money to avoid homelessness or pay medical bills? You're lucky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

Got it. Just waiting it out until you can cash in your inheritance. You will WILL accept a huge amount of help. Just not at this moment. Functionally (and morally) there is no difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

Exactly.

My friend is an adult who is currently being supported by her parents (& the government — disability). She also has stage 4 brain cancer.

But, yeah, you & your husband are most definitely superior to her....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

Got it. Just waiting it out until you can cash in your inheritance. You will WILL accept a huge amount of help. Just not at this moment. Functionally (and morally) there is no difference.

Yep. People without the parental-supplied future safety net of an inheritance have to worry about & put aside money for a lot of things you & your DH do not (retirement, elder care, etc) because they will likely be funded by your inheritance (aka your parents’ & in-laws’ $ as opposed to $ you actually earned). Does this mean they should think less of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

If you’d never accept money from them, decline your inheritance or donate it.

+1. Exactly. Such hypocrisy.

+2

+3
Pretty funny

Almost as funny as when they claim never to have taken help but they had their college paid for. That’s huge and they don’t even realize how impactful it is to grow up wealthy.

[Anonymous]

If your weren't jealous, you wouldn't bother with your moral superiority. You just wouldn't Be spending your mental energy on this.

My parents are rich. Sometimes we get help we didn't ask for. Sometimes we don't. Families are complicated. Seems silly to my dad to make me wait until he is dead for me to enjoy my inheritance.

[Anonymous]

no idea! Sure why people care so much about what others are getting from their families.

I grew up with NOTHING. Haven't gotten a dime since I was 15 and got a work permit. Bought my own tampons, bras, clothes, and even toothpaste since age 15. All I got for free was a roof over my head and food. When I turned 18, I moved out and have been 100% financially independent since then. Now I help my parents from time to time.

Despite getting no hand outs, I pass zero judgment on people who do. I'm happy with my life, I'm comfortable and i spend zero time being envious, jealous and bitter about money and gifts.

I think some of you are s sad and unhappy. Dwelling on what other have, thinking they will be ruined for getting help and gifts. I think it's all wishful thinking on your part. Focus inward, build happiness. You wont get there worried about what everyone else is getting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

But will you help your kids? I have two kids in grad school and two more who have to get to college and beyond. I (and my two oldest) feel very lucky that they will start their careers without debt.

NP. The things we are doing to help our children is to pay for their college and while they are in college and earning some money, we contribute to a ROTH for them. We figure that is a big bang for our inheritance buck. Don't know if we will help with a down payment, depends on a several factors.

DH and I both graduated without debt due to help from our families and scholarships and it has made a world of difference in our ability to have more choices. We felt it was our obligation to pass it down to our children and pay for their college too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

Got it. Just waiting it out until you can cash in your inheritance. You will WILL accept a huge amount of help. Just not at this moment. Functionally (and morally) there is no difference.

Yep. People without the parental-supplied future safety net of an inheritance have to worry about & put aside money for a lot of things you & your DH do not (retirement, elder care, etc) because they will likely be funded by your inheritance (aka your parents’ & in-laws’ $ as opposed to $ you actually earned). Does this mean they should think less of you?

People shouldn't count on retirement from an inheritance. I have seen many inheritances go out the door before they get to the children due to dementia care, dementia spending and remarriage. I have seen parents live into their late 90's and have children in their 70's- well past the age of retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

I don't either. In my family we are "all in" so if you need something then I'll help you with it, and vice versa. I definitely think less of people who believe that they are morally superior and who live in silos. The lessons I learned watching my parents is that we look out for others and we give not only from our excess but from our core. There were definitely times when we as a family went without because my parents were helping out another member of the family. It is a lesson that I hope my husband and I have passed on to our children.

You parents put other family members before their own children?

Yep. It didn't mean we didn't have food on the table but it did mean that sometimes we deferred purchases so that other people could have food on their tables. I have no problem with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to be independent. I never take help. I raise my kids, pay my bills.

This. My parents are wealthy. My in-laws are wealthy. We would never accept money from them for anything other than an emergency, which in 30 years of marriage has never happened. The idea of taking money from our families to pay for our kids’ schools or for a down payment on a home would go against everything my DH and I value. We are adults. We take care of our kids. We pay our bills. I definitely think less of people who accept money from family. We will inherit one day. But we won’t take money from our families until then.

So you think you are morally superior? This, I do not get.

Np and I think this is a morally superior position, yes

My parents came from a culture where parents basically set up their children as adults- paying for education, home, car, and even furniture. A lot of this was part of the marriage process- groom’s parents buy apartment, bride’s buy furniture, maybe car. People work it out, often with the wealthier family paying more.

Why all this coddling?

Because it is understood that after marriage people need a stable financial situation in order to have children and grandparents want grandchildren!

In theory, you would then save up and pay it forward with your own children.

Is this entire culture which has been doing things this way for a very long time morally inferior? Or perhaps they are smarter and don’t need to wait until 40 and need IVF treatments to have children?

NP here, and this makes complete sense to me even though I'm American. Albeit there should be more modest help if the parents can't afford quite this level of support. Then one day the grown children pay it forward to their own kids. It's a cycle.

[Anonymous]

I don't really care if parents help or not.

I do have to laugh when they are born on 3rd base but act like they hit a home run.

When parents do it right, you wouldn't know unless they told you.

When he parents do it wrong, you can tell.