Marriage without sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

Step 5: When you do all this and absolutely nothing changes with your sex life, be prepared to be just as frustrated AND feel like a chump because you've put in maximum effort while she's continued to ignore the problem.

I agree.

Step 0 (before Step 1): Tell her, "The current situation is unacceptable to me. We need to talk seriously, either between us or with a counselor, about how we got here and specifically how we are going to change it. I do not want a sexless marriage. You need to decide whether a sexless marriage is what you want." Then talk about what you both want.

If you do all that other crap without talking, then you are just guessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 35 years and 2500 times it must get boring no matter how close you are. If not, what's your secret?

Maybe this point about "boring" is really the heart of the question. Is sex something that's supposed to be "exciting!" every time to be considered a success? If so, then yes, I can imagine it's hard for each and every one of 2000+ encounters with the same person to be new and different enough to remain super exciting.

But perhaps the answer is that not all sex needs to be super hot and exciting. Some sex can simply feel good, sort of like a massage with benefits. I've had a lot of massages, but I'd never turn one down as "boring" simply because I've had a bunch - they just feel good. Other sex might be part of an emotional tie between partners, like a close hug. Just because a hug isn't exciting doesn't mean it's not enjoyable.

If your view of sex is that each encounter must make the earth move, or else it's not worthwhile, then you're surely going to be disappointed.

What a ridiculously mature perspective! You should be banned from this site.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

Step 5: When you do all this and absolutely nothing changes with your sex life, be prepared to be just as frustrated AND feel like a chump because you've put in maximum effort while she's continued to ignore the problem.

STEP 6: feel like an even bigger chump as she continues to cheat on you and have mind bogglingly amazing sex with her affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think she's cheating. I haven't had sex in over a year, neither of us are interested. Still enjoy life together though, and neither one of us is looking to destroy our marriage by cheating.

Your marriage is destroyed. You are roommates.

Why is everyone so melodramatic? OP, do some fun, new things with your wife. Sometimes people just get bored.

no it does not matter if you do the laundry, or take care of the kids, or take her out to dinner, or do something different. she doesnt care about the marriage. You are not that important to her. been there, get out now. there are other women that will actively take part in a marriage.

It really is that simple, she doesn't care about the marriage OR has zero respect for you. Therapy wont work, you cant "therapy" someone into respect or caring. The only thing that may is if it becomes apparent to her that he is willing to leave or if she sense another woman is a threat because she may be interested in him.

Respect and caring are not the problem. She probably actually does respect and care for him. She doesn't desire him, however. (She would say, as the classic phrase goes, "I love you but I'm not in love with you".) You can't therapy her into desiring you, either, so don't waste your time with that.

The only solution is for him to become much more attractive. Lift, dress better, re-learn how to flirt with women (and practice this on wife). She'll think he has the option to leave her for another woman; this will either cause her desire for him to increase, in which case deadbedroom problem solved, or it won't, and he can pull the plug on her and get another woman, in which case deadbedroom problem also solved.

Agree 100% with all you wrote except what is in bold. No way she respects him, a wife is not going dead bedroom if they respect their spouse. Not going to happen. It is a clear indicator of: I don't think you have the balls to leave or no one else would want you. 10 to 1 odds she would say men need sex or is very important to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But it’s not clear that a nice guy who does not lift weights could find one these allegedly available women.

LOL, that's easily solved with a two-step program:
1. Stop being "nice"
2. Start lifting

Woman here. You guys do whatever you want and bro it up but I am not attracted to guys who “lift.” I associate guys who lift with gay guys. Anybody too toned = gay and/or vain. Just sayin’.

Another woman here. I LIKE men who are in shape. You don't have to **LIFT!!!!** but do use weights, do exercise, and keep fit. Be toned. I'm not particularly attracted to dad-bods. Personality can make up for that, but if I had a choice of toned or slightly flabby? Toned and strong, of course. I want you to be able to pick me up, carry me upstairs, and (gently) throw me on the bed without me worrying that you are going to drop me or put out your back. (and I'm 118#, so it isn't like I'm a real haul, y'know).

They are the same thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you think people have regular sex all through their lives like in their 80s? Men start getting ED starting in their 40s. Women go through menopause. Ask your doctor. What OP is describing is pretty common and normal.

No its not normal nor is it as common as your post would lead one to think. "Start getting ED" some do occasionally and there is a fix for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men really need to understand that women feel so much pressure to have babies when they're at the fertile best. Women sometimes will "settle" on a marriage, to have the babies. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Men are just clueless when it comes to women. Some women enjoy sex. Some women enjoy sex only with men they're very attracted to (and no, the MGTOW morons are wrong that abusers and bullies and jerks are attractive to women).

I've been told by women that they "settled" when they married their husbands, because the clock was ticking and they wanted to have kids. Or their finances weren't in order. Or they were going back to school.

You're not getting it. If it wasn't there before, what makes you think it's going to be there now?

Couples need those hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other memories from when they first started dating to get through the drudgery of married life over the long haul. And things will improve.

However, if you never had that hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other time in your relationship, what makes you think after 14 years it's her hormones or stress from having kids?

You first paragraph seems a bit contradictory. Seems the mgtow people may understand women very well given your assessment that women are users and men are clueless. I somewhat agree, putting a woman on a pedestal in your mind is a huge mistake.

Women making the claim they "settled" are pitiful humans honestly. Too weak to go it alone so they lie to some poor sap that thinks they are wonderful. In reality they are pathetic losers that use someone and waste years of that persons life. Basically they are parasites.
Perhaps they arent aware it is not settling when its the best you can do. If they could have done better they would have. Narcissism among the American female is unbelievably high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP wants suggestions not judgments, people. Here’s mine: get some high quality porn videos. There’s one I used to have that was a loving couple, not gross. Since she doesn’t want sex, the least she could do is watch with you. Guarantee she will get at least a bit interested. Works for me!

Watching porn videos first will make everything worse. No woman wants to watch a porn video first.

You are 100% wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men really need to understand that women feel so much pressure to have babies when they're at the fertile best. Women sometimes will "settle" on a marriage, to have the babies. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Men are just clueless when it comes to women. Some women enjoy sex. Some women enjoy sex only with men they're very attracted to (and no, the MGTOW morons are wrong that abusers and bullies and jerks are attractive to women).

I've been told by women that they "settled" when they married their husbands, because the clock was ticking and they wanted to have kids. Or their finances weren't in order. Or they were going back to school.

You're not getting it. If it wasn't there before, what makes you think it's going to be there now?

Couples need those hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other memories from when they first started dating to get through the drudgery of married life over the long haul. And things will improve.

However, if you never had that hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other time in your relationship, what makes you think after 14 years it's her hormones or stress from having kids?

This is so true. My husband is a great person. Love him. Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you sex with him (I think he did with me, but, that's for him to say). And now I can't even imagine it. I certainly can imagine it with others ....

So you are a user. You know full well you went into a marriage giving him the impression you were in "Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you " type love but he was safe ,boring and stable. Women have to live this lie or their ride will end. You should tell him everything you wrote and see how well your marriage goes. You wont because the lie is what holds it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a near-sexless marriage. The truth is we really don't care that much. We both got laid quite a lot before we got married. We are not cheating.

Have you asked her when you can have sex? Sometimes you just have to plan it. Not sexy, but it works. We broke a years-long drought that way.

We both know that neither of us are going to leave the marriage due to lack of sex...but that sounds like a different story than what you are going through.

Very few men would "not cheat" in your marriage. It's not even "cheating" to go elsewhere during a years-long drought!

While noble to be "faithful" it is sad. I say sad because the fear of cheating = to fear of loss. Women that are sure he wont leave or cheat also think no other woman would want him. It funny how another woman perceived as being a threat will rev the libido up really fast.
Women hate stable aka boring that is why "faithful" is on the list of least attractive, sexual arousing traits in virtually every study done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men really need to understand that women feel so much pressure to have babies when they're at the fertile best. Women sometimes will "settle" on a marriage, to have the babies. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Men are just clueless when it comes to women. Some women enjoy sex. Some women enjoy sex only with men they're very attracted to (and no, the MGTOW morons are wrong that abusers and bullies and jerks are attractive to women).

I've been told by women that they "settled" when they married their husbands, because the clock was ticking and they wanted to have kids. Or their finances weren't in order. Or they were going back to school.

You're not getting it. If it wasn't there before, what makes you think it's going to be there now?

Couples need those hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other memories from when they first started dating to get through the drudgery of married life over the long haul. And things will improve.

However, if you never had that hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other time in your relationship, what makes you think after 14 years it's her hormones or stress from having kids?

This is so true. My husband is a great person. Love him. Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you sex with him (I think he did with me, but, that's for him to say). And now I can't even imagine it. I certainly can imagine it with others ....

It's fine. You are completely normal. Most women don't really have much of a sex drive (espically for their husbands). You just happen to be honest about it. Irrelevant. What matters is: are you still doing the wifely duty to stay faithfully married? If not, have you formally issued the hall pass? Or is it DADT for him?

The more women talk the more those Redpiller theories are shown to be on target.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I was in your shoes for a while. Man here, mid-40s, and my wife totally lost her libido for about 10 years after first kid came.

I tried everything, from choreplay, to getting in better shape, to date nights, tried mornings, evenings, nooners. Tried talking about it, nothing really worked although she would occasionally agree to have sex that she wasn't interested in.

Fast forward, about a year ago she got some of her libido back. Not roaring back, but we have sex about 1x a week and she enjoys it.

Bottom line, her sex hormones are up. So she is motivated to have sex. Nothing different I am doing, in fact I am a few pounds heavier and I work more hours than before.

Don't beat yourself over it. I had an affair partner that saved my marriage. That might be a good option for you, while your wife decides whether to be your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men really need to understand that women feel so much pressure to have babies when they're at the fertile best. Women sometimes will "settle" on a marriage, to have the babies. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Men are just clueless when it comes to women. Some women enjoy sex. Some women enjoy sex only with men they're very attracted to (and no, the MGTOW morons are wrong that abusers and bullies and jerks are attractive to women).

Yeah, because you can just go out and look around and you'll never see "jerks" dating women.

Oh wait.

Yeah, watch what women do, not what they say.

Absolutely. Thats why the most attractive traits to women in virtually every study by physiological response and survey are the opposite of what they say. Aggression, dominance, Arrogance, confrontational, power all among the most attractive and arousing traits. Nice, faithful, smiles, consistent all among the most unattractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

Step 5: When you do all this and absolutely nothing changes with your sex life, be prepared to be just as frustrated AND feel like a chump because you've put in maximum effort while she's continued to ignore the problem.

I agree.

Step 0 (before Step 1): Tell her, "The current situation is unacceptable to me. We need to talk seriously, either between us or with a counselor, about how we got here and specifically how we are going to change it. I do not want a sexless marriage. You need to decide whether a sexless marriage is what you want." Then talk about what you both want.

If you do all that other crap without talking, then you are just guessing.

Tha’s well put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you think people have regular sex all through their lives like in their 80s? Men start getting ED starting in their 40s. Women go through menopause. Ask your doctor. What OP is describing is pretty common and normal.

No its not normal nor is it as common as your post would lead one to think. "Start getting ED" some do occasionally and there is a fix for that.

I'm 66 and DH is 67 and we still have a great sex life. Yes, I need some help but it's worth it. My DH only has an ED problem when he's had too much to drink otherwise he's as ready and able as ever.