Marriage without sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For my wife it’s easier for her if I just have sex with other people instead of asking her. At least that’s what she told me, go sleep with other women just wear protection. I don’t want to sleep with other women I want to sleep with my wife, but I operate on I don’t ask don’t tell policy now. I don’t ask her for sex and I don’t tell her when I have sex with other women. And I find if you’re in your late 30s and you’re in good shape, have a good body, clean cut, Practice good hygiene, have all your teeth and can hold a conversation you will find someone to have sex with you.

You are way too young to be in a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, she's bored with having sex with you. She still loves you, but after the 2,000th time of having sex with you, it's a chore, not a pleasure. It's not your fault, it's nothing personal. Men always trumpet about how they need variety, blah blah blah, but in fact science has shown that monogamy is more difficult for women, because we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex, rather than just an innate desire (which men have thanks to testosterone). As her husband, you are like her favorite pair of sweatpants--comfortable, familiar, beloved, but not sexy or exciting.

You are probably right she is bored. Stability bores women, in fact everything they typically say they want in a man is a lie in sexual terms. The most arousing traits in men in study after study are all dominate, aggressive and self-centered traits. Science has not shown "monogamy is more difficult for women", not even close, it has shown women use sex to win approval or secure what they want and as validation. Feeling a man wont leave and is 100% faithful (ironically a trait among the least sexually attractive according to women) is boring, no need for desire. "we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex" yes like wanting to secure attention, loyalty, validation or.................. another woman may take your man. Women want what they think other women want because ultimately they hate each other. More like petulant children than logical adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, she's bored with having sex with you. She still loves you, but after the 2,000th time of having sex with you, it's a chore, not a pleasure. It's not your fault, it's nothing personal. Men always trumpet about how they need variety, blah blah blah, but in fact science has shown that monogamy is more difficult for women, because we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex, rather than just an innate desire (which men have thanks to testosterone). As her husband, you are like her favorite pair of sweatpants--comfortable, familiar, beloved, but not sexy or exciting.

You are probably right she is bored. Stability bores women, in fact everything they typically say they want in a man is a lie in sexual terms. The most arousing traits in men in study after study are all dominate, aggressive and self-centered traits. Science has not shown "monogamy is more difficult for women", not even close, it has shown women use sex to win approval or secure what they want and as validation. Feeling a man wont leave and is 100% faithful (ironically a trait among the least sexually attractive according to women) is boring, no need for desire. "we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex" yes like wanting to secure attention, loyalty, validation or.................. another woman may take your man. Women want what they think other women want because ultimately they hate each other. More like petulant children than logical adults.

No, no, they want stability, order, and comfort. But they aren't aroused by those things. That's why they'll marry (and stay married) to some boring beta chump; he provides stability, order, comfort. He won't get much, if any, sex out of it, as per the old marriage deal. Tough luck, eh? He'll come to DCUM and the harpies will tell him to do more housework and gratefully accept whatever sexual crumbs fall from her table. Meanwhile she'll be out getting sex from some dominant, aggressive asshole who arouses her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, she's bored with having sex with you. She still loves you, but after the 2,000th time of having sex with you, it's a chore, not a pleasure. It's not your fault, it's nothing personal. Men always trumpet about how they need variety, blah blah blah, but in fact science has shown that monogamy is more difficult for women, because we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex, rather than just an innate desire (which men have thanks to testosterone). As her husband, you are like her favorite pair of sweatpants--comfortable, familiar, beloved, but not sexy or exciting.

The favorite sweatpants analogy is very good. It explains why she doesn't find you sexy. But, it also explains why she doesn't want you to have sex with someone else. You might not get excited by your sweatpants, but you'd be unhappy if someone else wore them without your permission.

The number one driver of female sex drive is fear of other women. Hence why so many woman say sex isnt important until another woman comes along, then it suddenly becomes really important. The reality that they thought their husband was their puppet and would never leave or another woman wouldnt want them comes crashing in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married 35 years and still enjoy sex 1-2 times a week. We have always been great friends and enjoy each others company even though we have very different interests. He's always quite affectionate (but not a hand holder) and he's very good about complimenting me on how I look or on the things I do. So, he is very endearing! Good sex is simply a part of our relationship but it might not be if our relationship had grown distant or lacked basic energy or chemistry. I can understand why many marriages are almost sexless because it takes more than just the physical urge for me to want it.

After 35 years and 2500 times it must get boring no matter how close you are. If not, what's your secret?

They like orgasms?

PP here - hard to disagree with that! A. I honestly don't get there all the time despite my DH's best efforts. B. And what man gets tired of a good BJ?

A. Can you get there on your own? B. Good for you! Unfortunately most women suck at bj's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

I agree, that's not good advice. It will probably lead to more and better communication but not sex. The desire to go through this list will decrease once he figures out the sex is still missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, she's bored with having sex with you. She still loves you, but after the 2,000th time of having sex with you, it's a chore, not a pleasure. It's not your fault, it's nothing personal. Men always trumpet about how they need variety, blah blah blah, but in fact science has shown that monogamy is more difficult for women, because we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex, rather than just an innate desire (which men have thanks to testosterone). As her husband, you are like her favorite pair of sweatpants--comfortable, familiar, beloved, but not sexy or exciting.

You are probably right she is bored. Stability bores women, in fact everything they typically say they want in a man is a lie in sexual terms. The most arousing traits in men in study after study are all dominate, aggressive and self-centered traits. Science has not shown "monogamy is more difficult for women", not even close, it has shown women use sex to win approval or secure what they want and as validation. Feeling a man wont leave and is 100% faithful (ironically a trait among the least sexually attractive according to women) is boring, no need for desire. "we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex" yes like wanting to secure attention, loyalty, validation or.................. another woman may take your man. Women want what they think other women want because ultimately they hate each other. More like petulant children than logical adults.

No, no, they want stability, order, and comfort. But they aren't aroused by those things. That's why they'll marry (and stay married) to some boring beta chump; he provides stability, order, comfort. He won't get much, if any, sex out of it, as per the old marriage deal. Tough luck, eh? He'll come to DCUM and the harpies will tell him to do more housework and gratefully accept whatever sexual crumbs fall from her table. Meanwhile she'll be out getting sex from some dominant, aggressive asshole who arouses her.

Sounds about right. The sad thing is the guy probably has her on a pedestal in his mind while she thinks hes not good enough. I dont know whats worse being the chump holding her on a pedestal or the woman that doesnt realize she is married to him because its the best she could do. She wasn't pretty enough, built enough or interesting enough to get the guy she thinks she deserves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

I agree, that's not good advice. It will probably lead to more and better communication but not sex. The desire to go through this list will decrease once he figures out the sex is still missing.

Sure it will communicate that she might throw a pity lay out there once and a while if peddles hard enough. Meanwhile, she would gladly bang a guy she wasnt good enough to get that hasnt done crap for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We have two kids. We have a good marriage in all respects except one: we very rarely have sex anymore, because she very rarely wants to. I still love her very much, in the romantic/sexual meaning of the word, but I think it's fair to say my wife loves me only as her partner in raising kids. Not that she's said it in so many words. But she doesn't have to. We've talked about the sex issue a bunch of times, but it's never gotten us anywhere, and now I'm all talked out. At this point it's just embarrassing to have to bring it up. I think she would be hurt very much if I had an affair, and I don't want to do that to her. So what do I do? Is there anyone out there with experience making a marriage like this work somehow?

Your marriage is over. Sorry, but that is the truth. Yes, she is having an affair. Man up and get a divorce. If possible, be the primary care giver to your kids. She will just bring home the AP. Do you want your kids around that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men really need to understand that women feel so much pressure to have babies when they're at the fertile best. Women sometimes will "settle" on a marriage, to have the babies. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Men are just clueless when it comes to women. Some women enjoy sex. Some women enjoy sex only with men they're very attracted to (and no, the MGTOW morons are wrong that abusers and bullies and jerks are attractive to women).

I've been told by women that they "settled" when they married their husbands, because the clock was ticking and they wanted to have kids. Or their finances weren't in order. Or they were going back to school.

You're not getting it. If it wasn't there before, what makes you think it's going to be there now?

Couples need those hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other memories from when they first started dating to get through the drudgery of married life over the long haul. And things will improve.

However, if you never had that hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other time in your relationship, what makes you think after 14 years it's her hormones or stress from having kids?

This is so true. My husband is a great person. Love him. Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you sex with him (I think he did with me, but, that's for him to say). And now I can't even imagine it. I certainly can imagine it with others ....

So you are a user. You know full well you went into a marriage giving him the impression you were in "Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you " type love but he was safe ,boring and stable. Women have to live this lie or their ride will end. You should tell him everything you wrote and see how well your marriage goes. You wont because the lie is what holds it together.

No, I just didn't even REALIZE what was happening. But, hey, we are still having sex 2-3x/week, even if I can't imagine the "can't keep my hands off you sex" with him. You tell me: Are my actions (regular, good, enthusiastic sex fueled by fantasy) more important than my thoughts (I'm just not THAT attracted to husband)? I don't know. I think virtually zero men on this board would turn down decent sex 120x/year because their wife is somewhat bored, but likes sex enough to keep having it with him (not starfish sex. I'm an enthusiastic partner, even if I do fantasize a lot).

So what, I traded attraction for stability. My DH traded somebody who finds him super sexy for somebody who will have regular sex with him. He gets it more than most of you.

[Anonymous]

and, I am a financial equal in this marriage. There is no "ride" but I probably should have ACTUALLY though of that when I was ready to marry and married somebody who would have fully supported me, because he'd be happily shtupping me right about ... now.

[Anonymous]

I love the "you people are trash," comment. Love the comma. Did the person writing this just pass out or what? LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

And jerk off in the meantime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men really need to understand that women feel so much pressure to have babies when they're at the fertile best. Women sometimes will "settle" on a marriage, to have the babies. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Men are just clueless when it comes to women. Some women enjoy sex. Some women enjoy sex only with men they're very attracted to (and no, the MGTOW morons are wrong that abusers and bullies and jerks are attractive to women).

I've been told by women that they "settled" when they married their husbands, because the clock was ticking and they wanted to have kids. Or their finances weren't in order. Or they were going back to school.

You're not getting it. If it wasn't there before, what makes you think it's going to be there now?

Couples need those hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other memories from when they first started dating to get through the drudgery of married life over the long haul. And things will improve.

However, if you never had that hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other time in your relationship, what makes you think after 14 years it's her hormones or stress from having kids?

This is so true. My husband is a great person. Love him. Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you sex with him (I think he did with me, but, that's for him to say). And now I can't even imagine it. I certainly can imagine it with others ....

So you are a user. You know full well you went into a marriage giving him the impression you were in "Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you " type love but he was safe ,boring and stable. Women have to live this lie or their ride will end. You should tell him everything you wrote and see how well your marriage goes. You wont because the lie is what holds it together.

No, I just didn't even REALIZE what was happening. But, hey, we are still having sex 2-3x/week, even if I can't imagine the "can't keep my hands off you sex" with him. You tell me: Are my actions (regular, good, enthusiastic sex fueled by fantasy) more important than my thoughts (I'm just not THAT attracted to husband)? I don't know. I think virtually zero men on this board would turn down decent sex 120x/year because their wife is somewhat bored, but likes sex enough to keep having it with him (not starfish sex. I'm an enthusiastic partner, even if I do fantasize a lot).

So what, I traded attraction for stability. My DH traded somebody who finds him super sexy for somebody who will have regular sex with him. He gets it more than most of you.

Your post painted an image that is far cry from your reply. Your reply makes a lot more sense and sounds like you are reasonable. Sounds fair, he is more than likely fantasizing about someone else too, no big deal.