Marriage without sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP wants suggestions not judgments, people. Here’s mine: get some high quality porn videos. There’s one I used to have that was a loving couple, not gross. Since she doesn’t want sex, the least she could do is watch with you. Guarantee she will get at least a bit interested. Works for me!

Watching porn videos first will make everything worse. No woman wants to watch a porn video first.

Why? I’m a woman and I like porn.

You probably like sex more than op's wife does.

-np

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a near-sexless marriage. The truth is we really don't care that much. We both got laid quite a lot before we got married. We are not cheating.

Have you asked her when you can have sex? Sometimes you just have to plan it. Not sexy, but it works. We broke a years-long drought that way.

We both know that neither of us are going to leave the marriage due to lack of sex...but that sounds like a different story than what you are going through.

Very few men would "not cheat" in your marriage. It's not even "cheating" to go elsewhere during a years-long drought!

I'm well aware of that. I'm not worried about cheating. And even if it happened, I would not end a marriage over it. Again, not the norm, I know. (In case you are curious (woman here), recently I am the more interested party.)
Some health issues, and frankly, we are both just tired. It's really not that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

It's a huge deal for most people.

Glad it's not for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married 35 years and still enjoy sex 1-2 times a week. We have always been great friends and enjoy each others company even though we have very different interests. He's always quite affectionate (but not a hand holder) and he's very good about complimenting me on how I look or on the things I do. So, he is very endearing! Good sex is simply a part of our relationship but it might not be if our relationship had grown distant or lacked basic energy or chemistry. I can understand why many marriages are almost sexless because it takes more than just the physical urge for me to want it.

After 35 years and 2500 times it must get boring no matter how close you are. If not, what's your secret?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a near-sexless marriage. The truth is we really don't care that much. We both got laid quite a lot before we got married. We are not cheating.

Have you asked her when you can have sex? Sometimes you just have to plan it. Not sexy, but it works. We broke a years-long drought that way.

We both know that neither of us are going to leave the marriage due to lack of sex...but that sounds like a different story than what you are going through.

Very few men would "not cheat" in your marriage. It's not even "cheating" to go elsewhere during a years-long drought!

I'm well aware of that. I'm not worried about cheating. And even if it happened, I would not end a marriage over it. Again, not the norm, I know. (In case you are curious (woman here), recently I am the more interested party.)
Some health issues, and frankly, we are both just tired. It's really not that big of a deal.

I have several close male friends, with whom I have better conversations than I do with DH, who doesn't like to talk much. If he and I weren't having regular, and good, sex, what would be the point of being married? We are in our 50s - how old and out of shape are you both that your sex drives are so low?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After 35 years and 2500 times it must get boring no matter how close you are. If not, what's your secret?

Maybe this point about "boring" is really the heart of the question. Is sex something that's supposed to be "exciting!" every time to be considered a success? If so, then yes, I can imagine it's hard for each and every one of 2000+ encounters with the same person to be new and different enough to remain super exciting.

But perhaps the answer is that not all sex needs to be super hot and exciting. Some sex can simply feel good, sort of like a massage with benefits. I've had a lot of massages, but I'd never turn one down as "boring" simply because I've had a bunch - they just feel good. Other sex might be part of an emotional tie between partners, like a close hug. Just because a hug isn't exciting doesn't mean it's not enjoyable.

If your view of sex is that each encounter must make the earth move, or else it's not worthwhile, then you're surely going to be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married 35 years and still enjoy sex 1-2 times a week. We have always been great friends and enjoy each others company even though we have very different interests. He's always quite affectionate (but not a hand holder) and he's very good about complimenting me on how I look or on the things I do. So, he is very endearing! Good sex is simply a part of our relationship but it might not be if our relationship had grown distant or lacked basic energy or chemistry. I can understand why many marriages are almost sexless because it takes more than just the physical urge for me to want it.

After 35 years and 2500 times it must get boring no matter how close you are. If not, what's your secret?

They like orgasms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a near-sexless marriage. The truth is we really don't care that much. We both got laid quite a lot before we got married. We are not cheating.

Have you asked her when you can have sex? Sometimes you just have to plan it. Not sexy, but it works. We broke a years-long drought that way.

We both know that neither of us are going to leave the marriage due to lack of sex...but that sounds like a different story than what you are going through.

Very few men would "not cheat" in your marriage. It's not even "cheating" to go elsewhere during a years-long drought!

I'm well aware of that. I'm not worried about cheating. And even if it happened, I would not end a marriage over it. Again, not the norm, I know. (In case you are curious (woman here), recently I am the more interested party.)
Some health issues, and frankly, we are both just tired. It's really not that big of a deal.

I have several close male friends, with whom I have better conversations than I do with DH, who doesn't like to talk much. If he and I weren't having regular, and good, sex, what would be the point of being married? We are in our 50s - how old and out of shape are you both that your sex drives are so low?

Neither of us are out of shape. Early 40s. We are married because we have kids. Otherwise, we might not be. That is good enough for me.

[Anonymous]

I've probably had something like 9,000 orgasms. Still not bored of them.

[Anonymous]

For my wife it’s easier for her if I just have sex with other people instead of asking her. At least that’s what she told me, go sleep with other women just wear protection. I don’t want to sleep with other women I want to sleep with my wife, but I operate on I don’t ask don’t tell policy now. I don’t ask her for sex and I don’t tell her when I have sex with other women. And I find if you’re in your late 30s and you’re in good shape, have a good body, clean cut, Practice good hygiene, have all your teeth and can hold a conversation you will find someone to have sex with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married 35 years and still enjoy sex 1-2 times a week. We have always been great friends and enjoy each others company even though we have very different interests. He's always quite affectionate (but not a hand holder) and he's very good about complimenting me on how I look or on the things I do. So, he is very endearing! Good sex is simply a part of our relationship but it might not be if our relationship had grown distant or lacked basic energy or chemistry. I can understand why many marriages are almost sexless because it takes more than just the physical urge for me to want it.

After 35 years and 2500 times it must get boring no matter how close you are. If not, what's your secret?

They like orgasms?

PP here - hard to disagree with that! I honestly don't get there all the time despite my DH's best efforts. And what man gets tired of a good BJ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married 35 years and still enjoy sex 1-2 times a week. We have always been great friends and enjoy each others company even though we have very different interests. He's always quite affectionate (but not a hand holder) and he's very good about complimenting me on how I look or on the things I do. So, he is very endearing! Good sex is simply a part of our relationship but it might not be if our relationship had grown distant or lacked basic energy or chemistry. I can understand why many marriages are almost sexless because it takes more than just the physical urge for me to want it.

After 35 years and 2500 times it must get boring no matter how close you are. If not, what's your secret?

They like orgasms?

PP here - hard to disagree with that! I honestly don't get there all the time despite my DH's best efforts. And what man gets tired of a good BJ?

What’s a BJ? I vaguely remember those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't think she's cheating. I think she just doesn't want to have sex with me. And we're still both reasonably attractive. We're not movie stars but nobody's gained a ton of weight or suddenly become ugly.

Same boat as you. No PIV sex for past few years, we are still both attractive and in reasonable shape. I'm pretty sure she is not cheating, but is an effect of cancer that kind of ravaged her body and medications that suppress her hormones. No current cancer concerns, but there are lingering effects. We do other things a few times a month, but not nearly enough. I've been a good husband so far, and we've talked about it, but she doesn't put any effort into changing things. I'll give it another 2 years and hope for the best, I do love her. I don't think I'd ever divorce her because of this, we love each other and our daughter. Just wish she would either work on things, or give me a green light to fulfill this need outside our marriage, maybe with a professional or sugar relationship, but not an affair partner. I travel for work enough, that it would never be an issue that we'd run into someone in Fairfax, I could just find someone in Chicago, Atlanta, etc... F@%K Cancer.

I've been in your shoes and I feel for you both. Cancer stole that away from her and the hormone suppressing drugs means she is in a chemically induced menopause which has probably taken away all her desire for sex, if not made it painful and difficult if she does allow it. I get that you need some kind of relief, but in your case, I wouldn't pressure her about something that is beyond her control. Yes, F&%K Cancer in the a$$ with no lube. Indeed, it sucks and, unless you've been there, you have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

Step 5: When you do all this and absolutely nothing changes with your sex life, be prepared to be just as frustrated AND feel like a chump because you've put in maximum effort while she's continued to ignore the problem.