Help me get past his affair

[Anonymous]

Divorce! My grandmother in law took back a cheater and now he’s an old invalid and the love just isn’t there and the resentment is through the roof. My nightmare scenario. Don’t let this be you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The woman's husband found out in early December. They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom. She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband. He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family. So the lovers have stopped talking. My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her. I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city. She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened. Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other. He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex. But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people. So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond. We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy. I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again. I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again. But I guess only time will tell. I hope I can trust him again. But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I. We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now. Please keep them coming.

Before learning about the affair, you had a low "sexual appetite" and yet you stayed married to your husband despite that. For some reason, you thought nothing wrong with being married to a guy yet not wanting sex with him. Apparently, sex is not very important to you, nor do you feel that sex is important to a marriage. So why now would you end a marriage over something so unimportant as sex? As you've learned, there is no such thing as a "sexless marriage" because somebody (usually the man) is still getting some on the side. Surely you knew that your husband still wanted sex, and that you weren't having any, and you seem intelligent enough to know that is not a sustainable state of marriage. At some level you MUST have known that he would (eventually) go elsewhere for sex, yet you stayed married to him. Why now suddenly is this such a big deal?

I think your best chance to "maintain an intact family" will be to formally open the marriage. Considering that you may "never want to get naked with him again" an open marriage may be the only way to "save" your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The woman's husband found out in early December. They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom. She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband. He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family. So the lovers have stopped talking. My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her. I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city. She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened. Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other. He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex. But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people. So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond. We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy. I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again. I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again. But I guess only time will tell. I hope I can trust him again. But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I. We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now. Please keep them coming.

Before learning about the affair, you had a low "sexual appetite" and yet you stayed married to your husband despite that. For some reason, you thought nothing wrong with being married to a guy yet not wanting sex with him. Apparently, sex is not very important to you, nor do you feel that sex is important to a marriage. So why now would you end a marriage over something so unimportant as sex? As you've learned, there is no such thing as a "sexless marriage" because somebody (usually the man) is still getting some on the side. Surely you knew that your husband still wanted sex, and that you weren't having any, and you seem intelligent enough to know that is not a sustainable state of marriage. At some level you MUST have known that he would (eventually) go elsewhere for sex, yet you stayed married to him. Why now suddenly is this such a big deal?

I think your best chance to "maintain an intact family" will be to formally open the marriage. Considering that you may "never want to get naked with him again" an open marriage may be the only way to "save" your marriage.

I don't agree with the classic victim-blaming "you didn't give him enough sex therefore he is justified in cheating" rationale given above. No matter what the level of sex in a marriage both paretners should be able to discuss and negotiate about it explicitly. That's a normal adult expectation in a relationship. It is a huge violation if trust and the marriage contract when one person secretly goes outside the marriage for sex, as in this case. And, frankly, it's a huge red flag that the DH only confessed under duress.

OP, I'm gonna be straight up with you -- there is no "saving" the marriage. The marriage you (thought you) had is dead. There is no getting back to it. You will never be able to build it, because you will never have the complete trust in your husband you thought you had and he will never be the person (you thought) he was.

You may choose to build a second marriage, but I would do it eyes wide open - negotiate a post-nuptial contract w/ explicit custody, child support and asset divisions now. If your DC isn't willing to conclude this structured favorably to you, that's a nother red flag. There is no reason you should continue to stay in a relationship without some contractual assurances, particularly since his word means nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The woman's husband found out in early December. They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom. She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband. He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family. So the lovers have stopped talking. My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her. I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city. She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened. Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other. He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex. But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people. So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond. We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy. I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again. I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again. But I guess only time will tell. I hope I can trust him again. But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I. We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now. Please keep them coming.

Before learning about the affair, you had a low "sexual appetite" and yet you stayed married to your husband despite that. For some reason, you thought nothing wrong with being married to a guy yet not wanting sex with him. Apparently, sex is not very important to you, nor do you feel that sex is important to a marriage. So why now would you end a marriage over something so unimportant as sex? As you've learned, there is no such thing as a "sexless marriage" because somebody (usually the man) is still getting some on the side. Surely you knew that your husband still wanted sex, and that you weren't having any, and you seem intelligent enough to know that is not a sustainable state of marriage. At some level you MUST have known that he would (eventually) go elsewhere for sex, yet you stayed married to him. Why now suddenly is this such a big deal?

I think your best chance to "maintain an intact family" will be to formally open the marriage. Considering that you may "never want to get naked with him again" an open marriage may be the only way to "save" your marriage.

I don't agree with the classic victim-blaming "you didn't give him enough sex therefore he is justified in cheating" rationale given above. No matter what the level of sex in a marriage both paretners should be able to discuss and negotiate about it explicitly. That's a normal adult expectation in a relationship. It is a huge violation if trust and the marriage contract when one person secretly goes outside the marriage for sex, as in this case. And, frankly, it's a huge red flag that the DH only confessed under duress.

OP, I'm gonna be straight up with you -- there is no "saving" the marriage. The marriage you (thought you) had is dead. There is no getting back to it. You will never be able to build it, because you will never have the complete trust in your husband you thought you had and he will never be the person (you thought) he was.

You may choose to build a second marriage, but I would do it eyes wide open - negotiate a post-nuptial contract w/ explicit custody, child support and asset divisions now. If your DC isn't willing to conclude this structured favorably to you, that's a nother red flag. There is no reason you should continue to stay in a relationship without some contractual assurances, particularly since his word means nothing.

Blame is irrelevant. How about her abandonment of affection? That's a pretty major violation of trust, he never signed up for a celibate monogamous relationship. I was not blaming anybody. I was pointing out that her marriage had already "failed" but she was perfectly content staying in her sexless marriage, so why does it matter that he's getting sex elsewhere? It is hypocritical to suddenly claim that sex is a big deal to her marriage.

If she does not want a normal sexlife, and is unwilling to open the marriage, then you are 100% correct to say there is no saving their marriage. But the failure is NOT because he cheated but rather their sexual incompatibility. You too seem pretty irrational on this issue. Pure logic shows that she wants to stay married and not have sex, while he too wants to stay married and get his sex elsewhere. An open marriage allows both to get what they want.

[Anonymous]

Hey folks, weekly sex, which was the case for OP, is not the same thing as a sexless marriage. Nor did it sound like the husband expressed disappointment or frustration about it..instead both parties allowed intimacy (which goes beyond sex) to dwindle, but only one spouse started an affair.

OP, the issue truly is not the sex, but whether you can believe him in the future, and that depends on whether he is capable of radical self honesty (takes a lot to.maintain the level of deception) and whether he is capable of dealing with stress, disappoinment neediness in appropriate ways.

Agree that you should for now see individual therapists, and consider post nuptial agreement. You do not have to make any decisions about the marriage now, not should you even feel pressured to declare that you are willing to work on it or stay in it. Just give yourself some time and space....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey folks, weekly sex, which was the case for OP, is not the same thing as a sexless marriage. Nor did it sound like the husband expressed disappointment or frustration about it..instead both parties allowed intimacy (which goes beyond sex) to dwindle, but only one spouse started an affair.

OP, the issue truly is not the sex, but whether you can believe him in the future, and that depends on whether he is capable of radical self honesty (takes a lot to.maintain the level of deception) and whether he is capable of dealing with stress, disappoinment neediness in appropriate ways.

Agree that you should for now see individual therapists, and consider post nuptial agreement. You do not have to make any decisions about the marriage now, not should you even feel pressured to declare that you are willing to work on it or stay in it. Just give yourself some time and space....

OP here. I make myself available for sex, but I've resigned myself to not really enjoying it. I play along because I don't want to deprive him, but while once weekly maintenance sex is fine with me, apparently it is not fine with him. He says he feels we lack chemistry, and he doesn't feel emotionally connected to me. Having said that, neither of us have taken the initiative to spice things up. In the past year, my warm gestures have been met with brush-offs or sarcasm. I had assumed that since he wasn't chasing me, flirting with me or seducing me, that his drive was simply lowering due to aging. I tell him I want to start anew, I'm willing to see a sex therapist, but I wonder if it will ever meet his expectations.

Yes he used a condom with her, and no, they did not have a sexual affair until very recently. I know this because of the geographic distance. She has a foreign service type of life, with long stretches of living so far away that they could not have gotten together until recently when we started seeing more of them while living on the same continent.

He told her he wanted to stay with me and our family, and that she should make her life decisions independent of him. They have not communicated in a month. What I keep coming back to is the weakness and selfishness of what he did. He has now damaged or killed three of his most important relationships. He lost his buddy, he strained our marriage, and clearly he will need to cut off his friendship with her. But I know it's foolish to apply logic and reason to these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The woman's husband found out in early December. They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom. She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband. He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family. So the lovers have stopped talking. My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her. I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city. She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened. Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other. He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex. But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people. So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond. We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy. I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again. I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again. But I guess only time will tell. I hope I can trust him again. But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I. We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now. Please keep them coming.

Before learning about the affair, you had a low "sexual appetite" and yet you stayed married to your husband despite that. For some reason, you thought nothing wrong with being married to a guy yet not wanting sex with him. Apparently, sex is not very important to you, nor do you feel that sex is important to a marriage. So why now would you end a marriage over something so unimportant as sex? As you've learned, there is no such thing as a "sexless marriage" because somebody (usually the man) is still getting some on the side. Surely you knew that your husband still wanted sex, and that you weren't having any, and you seem intelligent enough to know that is not a sustainable state of marriage. At some level you MUST have known that he would (eventually) go elsewhere for sex, yet you stayed married to him. Why now suddenly is this such a big deal?

I think your best chance to "maintain an intact family" will be to formally open the marriage. Considering that you may "never want to get naked with him again" an open marriage may be the only way to "save" your marriage.

I don't agree with the classic victim-blaming "you didn't give him enough sex therefore he is justified in cheating" rationale given above. No matter what the level of sex in a marriage both paretners should be able to discuss and negotiate about it explicitly. That's a normal adult expectation in a relationship. It is a huge violation if trust and the marriage contract when one person secretly goes outside the marriage for sex, as in this case. And, frankly, it's a huge red flag that the DH only confessed under duress.

OP, I'm gonna be straight up with you -- there is no "saving" the marriage. The marriage you (thought you) had is dead. There is no getting back to it. You will never be able to build it, because you will never have the complete trust in your husband you thought you had and he will never be the person (you thought) he was.

You may choose to build a second marriage, but I would do it eyes wide open - negotiate a post-nuptial contract w/ explicit custody, child support and asset divisions now. If your DC isn't willing to conclude this structured favorably to you, that's a nother red flag. There is no reason you should continue to stay in a relationship without some contractual assurances, particularly since his word means nothing.

Blame is irrelevant. How about her abandonment of affection? That's a pretty major violation of trust, he never signed up for a celibate monogamous relationship. I was not blaming anybody. I was pointing out that her marriage had already "failed" but she was perfectly content staying in her sexless marriage, so why does it matter that he's getting sex elsewhere? It is hypocritical to suddenly claim that sex is a big deal to her marriage.

If she does not want a normal sexlife, and is unwilling to open the marriage, then you are 100% correct to say there is no saving their marriage. But the failure is NOT because he cheated but rather their sexual incompatibility. You too seem pretty irrational on this issue. Pure logic shows that she wants to stay married and not have sex, while he too wants to stay married and get his sex elsewhere. An open marriage allows both to get what they want.

So whose fault was it that the person DH chose to cheat with was his best friend of 30 years’ wife? Is that OP’s fault too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The woman's husband found out in early December. They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom. She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband. He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family. So the lovers have stopped talking. My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her. I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city. She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened. Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other. He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex. But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people. So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond. We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy. I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again. I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again. But I guess only time will tell. I hope I can trust him again. But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I. We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now. Please keep them coming.

So basically, he only told you to get out ahead of his best friend telling you first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey folks, weekly sex, which was the case for OP, is not the same thing as a sexless marriage. Nor did it sound like the husband expressed disappointment or frustration about it..instead both parties allowed intimacy (which goes beyond sex) to dwindle, but only one spouse started an affair.

OP, the issue truly is not the sex, but whether you can believe him in the future, and that depends on whether he is capable of radical self honesty (takes a lot to.maintain the level of deception) and whether he is capable of dealing with stress, disappoinment neediness in appropriate ways.

Agree that you should for now see individual therapists, and consider post nuptial agreement. You do not have to make any decisions about the marriage now, not should you even feel pressured to declare that you are willing to work on it or stay in it. Just give yourself some time and space....

OP said "weekly" sex, but I suspect that's her version. Was it really weekly, or longer. Count and be truthful to yourself... In the last 3-4 weeks, how many times have you had sexual relations w/ your DH (not including time since he told you, of course)? If it's 4 times, that's 1x/week average. If it's 1x or less, well....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey folks, weekly sex, which was the case for OP, is not the same thing as a sexless marriage. Nor did it sound like the husband expressed disappointment or frustration about it..instead both parties allowed intimacy (which goes beyond sex) to dwindle, but only one spouse started an affair.

OP, the issue truly is not the sex, but whether you can believe him in the future, and that depends on whether he is capable of radical self honesty (takes a lot to.maintain the level of deception) and whether he is capable of dealing with stress, disappoinment neediness in appropriate ways.

Agree that you should for now see individual therapists, and consider post nuptial agreement. You do not have to make any decisions about the marriage now, not should you even feel pressured to declare that you are willing to work on it or stay in it. Just give yourself some time and space....

OP here. I make myself available for sex, but I've resigned myself to not really enjoying it. I play along because I don't want to deprive him, but while once weekly maintenance sex is fine with me, apparently it is not fine with him. He says he feels we lack chemistry, and he doesn't feel emotionally connected to me. Having said that, neither of us have taken the initiative to spice things up. In the past year, my warm gestures have been met with brush-offs or sarcasm. I had assumed that since he wasn't chasing me, flirting with me or seducing me, that his drive was simply lowering due to aging. I tell him I want to start anew, I'm willing to see a sex therapist, but I wonder if it will ever meet his expectations.

Yes he used a condom with her, and no, they did not have a sexual affair until very recently. I know this because of the geographic distance. She has a foreign service type of life, with long stretches of living so far away that they could not have gotten together until recently when we started seeing more of them while living on the same continent.

He told her he wanted to stay with me and our family, and that she should make her life decisions independent of him. They have not communicated in a month. What I keep coming back to is the weakness and selfishness of what he did. He has now damaged or killed three of his most important relationships. He lost his buddy, he strained our marriage, and clearly he will need to cut off his friendship with her. But I know it's foolish to apply logic and reason to these things.

OK, you say yourself that you "made yourself available for sex," but "resigned myself to not really enjoying it." For how many years has this gone on? Has DH every tried to address the different degree of importance each of you assign to a healthy sexual relationship? "Playing along" and not being honest about how you feel or taking any action -- even knowing it's important to DH -- sounds like you (or both of you) brushed a critical issue under the rug for way too long. Sex holds different degrees of importance to people. Some are very sexual and see sex as an extension of intimacy. Others don't assign sex as much value and see themselves as showing intimacy in other ways. The issue here seems to be the long-term difference in sexual appetites and importance and which, by extension, affected your emotional intimacy.

You don't enjoy sex -- you said it yourself. He does and presumably wants it more frequently. I could furthermore surmise that DH has been sensing for years that you weren't enjoying yourself OR interested in sex, so he shut down. Armchair psychology here, but that's what I'm reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The woman's husband found out in early December. They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom. She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband. He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family. So the lovers have stopped talking. My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her. I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city. She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened. Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other. He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex. But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people. So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond. We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy. I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again. I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again. But I guess only time will tell. I hope I can trust him again. But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I. We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now. Please keep them coming.

Before learning about the affair, you had a low "sexual appetite" and yet you stayed married to your husband despite that. For some reason, you thought nothing wrong with being married to a guy yet not wanting sex with him. Apparently, sex is not very important to you, nor do you feel that sex is important to a marriage. So why now would you end a marriage over something so unimportant as sex? As you've learned, there is no such thing as a "sexless marriage" because somebody (usually the man) is still getting some on the side. Surely you knew that your husband still wanted sex, and that you weren't having any, and you seem intelligent enough to know that is not a sustainable state of marriage. At some level you MUST have known that he would (eventually) go elsewhere for sex, yet you stayed married to him. Why now suddenly is this such a big deal?

I think your best chance to "maintain an intact family" will be to formally open the marriage. Considering that you may "never want to get naked with him again" an open marriage may be the only way to "save" your marriage.

This....

As a man, I'd dread being married to someone as emotionally and sexually shut off as this. I hope you can fix this. Your not addressing this key aspect of your marriage doesn't make what he did right, but it does make it understandable. If this went on for any length of time, let alone several years, without being addressed, something like this was BOUND to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey folks, weekly sex, which was the case for OP, is not the same thing as a sexless marriage. Nor did it sound like the husband expressed disappointment or frustration about it..instead both parties allowed intimacy (which goes beyond sex) to dwindle, but only one spouse started an affair.

OP, the issue truly is not the sex, but whether you can believe him in the future, and that depends on whether he is capable of radical self honesty (takes a lot to.maintain the level of deception) and whether he is capable of dealing with stress, disappoinment neediness in appropriate ways.

Agree that you should for now see individual therapists, and consider post nuptial agreement. You do not have to make any decisions about the marriage now, not should you even feel pressured to declare that you are willing to work on it or stay in it. Just give yourself some time and space....

OP here. I make myself available for sex, but I've resigned myself to not really enjoying it. I play along because I don't want to deprive him, but while once weekly maintenance sex is fine with me, apparently it is not fine with him. He says he feels we lack chemistry, and he doesn't feel emotionally connected to me. Having said that, neither of us have taken the initiative to spice things up. In the past year, my warm gestures have been met with brush-offs or sarcasm. I had assumed that since he wasn't chasing me, flirting with me or seducing me, that his drive was simply lowering due to aging. I tell him I want to start anew, I'm willing to see a sex therapist, but I wonder if it will ever meet his expectations.

Yes he used a condom with her, and no, they did not have a sexual affair until very recently. I know this because of the geographic distance. She has a foreign service type of life, with long stretches of living so far away that they could not have gotten together until recently when we started seeing more of them while living on the same continent.

He told her he wanted to stay with me and our family, and that she should make her life decisions independent of him. They have not communicated in a month. What I keep coming back to is the weakness and selfishness of what he did. He has now damaged or killed three of his most important relationships. He lost his buddy, he strained our marriage, and clearly he will need to cut off his friendship with her. But I know it's foolish to apply logic and reason to these things.

OK, you say yourself that you "made yourself available for sex," but "resigned myself to not really enjoying it." For how many years has this gone on? Has DH every tried to address the different degree of importance each of you assign to a healthy sexual relationship? "Playing along" and not being honest about how you feel or taking any action -- even knowing it's important to DH -- sounds like you (or both of you) brushed a critical issue under the rug for way too long. Sex holds different degrees of importance to people. Some are very sexual and see sex as an extension of intimacy. Others don't assign sex as much value and see themselves as showing intimacy in other ways. The issue here seems to be the long-term difference in sexual appetites and importance and which, by extension, affected your emotional intimacy.

You don't enjoy sex -- you said it yourself. He does and presumably wants it more frequently. I could furthermore surmise that DH has been sensing for years that you weren't enjoying yourself OR interested in sex, so he shut down. Armchair psychology here, but that's what I'm reading.

Men, as well as women, crave intimacy as well as sex. When sex has degraded to the point of being an emotionless, robotic act, there are huge problems. I am a sensual woman, fully functioning woman who requires a man to be in tune with my needs. If not, I have to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The woman's husband found out in early December. They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom. She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband. He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family. So the lovers have stopped talking. My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her. I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city. She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened. Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other. He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex. But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people. So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond. We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy. I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again. I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again. But I guess only time will tell. I hope I can trust him again. But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I. We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now. Please keep them coming.

Before learning about the affair, you had a low "sexual appetite" and yet you stayed married to your husband despite that. For some reason, you thought nothing wrong with being married to a guy yet not wanting sex with him. Apparently, sex is not very important to you, nor do you feel that sex is important to a marriage. So why now would you end a marriage over something so unimportant as sex? As you've learned, there is no such thing as a "sexless marriage" because somebody (usually the man) is still getting some on the side. Surely you knew that your husband still wanted sex, and that you weren't having any, and you seem intelligent enough to know that is not a sustainable state of marriage. At some level you MUST have known that he would (eventually) go elsewhere for sex, yet you stayed married to him. Why now suddenly is this such a big deal?

I think your best chance to "maintain an intact family" will be to formally open the marriage. Considering that you may "never want to get naked with him again" an open marriage may be the only way to "save" your marriage.

Agree 1000x. Well said.

[Anonymous]

Really surprised how this thread has emphasized the incompatibility in sexual appetite and completely ignored the ginormous lies - to two key relationships, wife and good friend - the DH must have had to tell to be able to carry on his affair.

There is no possibility to address any sexual incompatibility when one person is lying about their sexual needs and behavior.

OP, this marriage is likely over not because there is sexual incompatibility, but because one partner has a demonstrated pattern of dealing with sexual incompatibility by lying and covering up.

The odds that your DH can summon the tremendous will and insight that it takes to talk about and negotiate sexual incompatibility (both his for you and yours for him) are extremely slim. People always focus on whether the affair details were voluntarily disclosed, because voluntary disclosure is reflective ability to tell (and hear) unpalatable truths, and that is the same quality necessary to fix a ruptured relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The woman's husband found out in early December. They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom. She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband. He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family. So the lovers have stopped talking. My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her. I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city. She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened. Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other. He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex. But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people. So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond. We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy. I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again. I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again. But I guess only time will tell. I hope I can trust him again. But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I. We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now. Please keep them coming.

Before learning about the affair, you had a low "sexual appetite" and yet you stayed married to your husband despite that. For some reason, you thought nothing wrong with being married to a guy yet not wanting sex with him. Apparently, sex is not very important to you, nor do you feel that sex is important to a marriage. So why now would you end a marriage over something so unimportant as sex? As you've learned, there is no such thing as a "sexless marriage" because somebody (usually the man) is still getting some on the side. Surely you knew that your husband still wanted sex, and that you weren't having any, and you seem intelligent enough to know that is not a sustainable state of marriage. At some level you MUST have known that he would (eventually) go elsewhere for sex, yet you stayed married to him. Why now suddenly is this such a big deal?

I think your best chance to "maintain an intact family" will be to formally open the marriage. Considering that you may "never want to get naked with him again" an open marriage may be the only way to "save" your marriage.

This....

As a man, I'd dread being married to someone as emotionally and sexually shut off as this. I hope you can fix this. Your not addressing this key aspect of your marriage doesn't make what he did right, but it does make it understandable. If this went on for any length of time, let alone several years, without being addressed, something like this was BOUND to happen.

Her DH is the absolute worst person to have an open marriage. Did you miss the part where he was in love with the AP and chose an AP that was his best friends wife? He’s not committed enough to his marriage nor is he an honest enough person to have an open marriage.