Help me get past his affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for his friend and the children and less so for anyone else. OP, you sound comfortably smug in character and in how you’d conduct your life. A bomb is going to go off for that man and those kids in particular. You were betrayed but their suffering is going to be horrifying. You don’t even seem to care about that -‘f want to accelerate moving on with your amoral DH. I know you’re in shock but at least you and he seem compatible.

Really? What is OP supposed to do for that family? The OW should've thought about all that.

Nothing. She’s still not earning anything from me and probably others, so keep it moving, Betrayed Wife. OP has NO empathy for the others her own bastard damaged and theirs is SO bad and arguably worse.

Struck a nerve?

Wow. How can you even go there? Blame OP and say she is smug.

Please ignore her posts, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for his friend and the children and less so for anyone else. OP, you sound comfortably smug in character and in how you’d conduct your life. A bomb is going to go off for that man and those kids in particular. You were betrayed but their suffering is going to be horrifying. You don’t even seem to care about that -‘f want to accelerate moving on with your amoral DH. I know you’re in shock but at least you and he seem compatible.

Really? What is OP supposed to do for that family? The OW should've thought about all that.

Nothing. She’s still not earning anything from me and probably others, so keep it moving, Betrayed Wife. OP has NO empathy for the others her own bastard damaged and theirs is SO bad and arguably worse.

Struck a nerve?

No, and grow up. I can’t imagine not worrying about the best friend and kids. Meaning from a physical safety POV. What the hell might happen there?

Struck a nerve with you? A poster who blithely says she and he have intimacy issues but are you know perfect except for him tossing a Molotov into his best friend, father of 3, and his own kids’ lives? Wow.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this.

Honestly, you don't sound upset at all. Your post makes you sound a bit arrogant, cold and detached. Do you feel detached?

Most people crave sex and intimacy. Did you miss it, or were you okay with a more roommate-like situation?

I would be devastated if my husband cheated. I would feel blindsided and confused. I would feel like I lost my best friend. I would probably try to save the marriage, but I'm not sure I could ever trust him again or feel truly loved.

How do you feel? Are you more worried about financials and appearances than about the actual relationship?

Your post also makes it seem like you think he needs to shoulder the burden to save the marriage. That's not how this works. It takes two to sustain a healthy marriage. Regardless of the fact that he cheated, both of you need to step up and work to rebuild your relationship. That doesn't mean he needs to placate you. You need to realize that he likely cheated because your sex life and overall intimacy were gone. He was looking for someone to desire him and make him feel whole. Were you doing that, or had you checked out? Either way it's fine, but if you want to rebuild the marriage then both of you need to communicate expectations and try to please each other. Otherwise, you should come up with a Plan B (open marriage or divorce).

You should reread your original post and see if it's an accurate reflection of not. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Of course you can get through this and get to a better place. But it's going to take a lot of work on both your and your husband's part. You didn't get to this place overnight and it won't be resolved overnight or in a few sessions with a therapist. Your both going to have to be brutally honest with each other and most importantly with yourselves. It sounds like you and he have both taken steps in that direction, which is a good sign.

When something like this happens, it's best not to make any huge life decisions. Commit to seeking out both couples and individual counselors. Do not commit to anything, including breaking up OR staying together forever. You're going to be in a different and challenging space for a while as you both reorient yourselves and figure out a new relationship with one another.

You have a lot on the line, mainly 2 young children. It sounds like neither of you want to throw that away and want them to have a loving family where both parents love one another.

The easy solution would be to simply leave. You are brave for even entertaining the idea of trying to make this work. I do hope it works out for you. Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday my husband of 13 years admitted to having feelings for another woman, and to cheating with her twice. She is his best friend’s wife, no less. We have two children under age 8. I am early 40s, he is early 50s. We are starting therapy soon. We both want to save the marriage, and he says he is sorry and regrets what happened, and while he still has feelings for her, he does not want to be with her in the future. They have cut off communication while she tries to save her marriage (she has three kids) and he, his. He has been friends with this woman for 30 years but they only recently got physically intimate.

Our intimacy had dwindled gradually over the years but we rarely spoke about it. We have sex about once a week but for me it has been maintenance sex, for him, he resents that I was going through the motions. Avoiding addressing intimacy issues was a two way street for years and I think led to what happened. But he does not blame me, he takes full responsibility for his actions.

We are a smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight. We are financially secure, good looking, vibrant people that look like what others might want to be. We are excellent co-parents. We care for each other very much. I am happy with our life, home, and family and do not want to break up. I just want him to get over his feelings for her, refocus on me, and make an effort. What surprises me is that I have reacted very calmly to this news, as if deep down, I suspected this might happen, and with her in particular. Above all I am disappointed in him for making such stupid, selfish choices. This is not the good judgment I thought he had. I am so sad that he did not talk to me, or seek help, before acting this way.

Please tell me that people can work through this kind of situation and come out happy on the other side. I do not want to start over with somebody else. I love him and want to rebuild trust and intimacy. But am I a fool to think this will work out?

If there is a God your husbands "best friend" will beat his a55 and toss his wife out. As a man, i would say you are in a tough position because, your husband is not only a cheater, he is a weasel p.o.s. Double the sliminess broke trust of two people st once.

Dp. The double sliminess jumped out at me, too. Not to mention the kids. Deal breaker all around.

I agree. That really does not speak well about the kind of person he is

[Anonymous]

You sound like you’re trying awfully hard to convince yourself you are in love with this man and want to stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If my husband had sex with another woman, unprotected or not, I wouldn't be able to get naked with him again. We have small children as well (as many people do) and that's not an excuse to cheat. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal.

This!!
People get some self respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If my husband had sex with another woman, unprotected or not, I wouldn't be able to get naked with him again. We have small children as well (as many people do) and that's not an excuse to cheat. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal.

Cheating is hurtful and wrong, but I think there are way worse kinds of betrayal than sleeping with someone other than your spouse (I'm not the OP, nor am I a man or a cheater)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If my husband had sex with another woman, unprotected or not, I wouldn't be able to get naked with him again. We have small children as well (as many people do) and that's not an excuse to cheat. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal.

Cheating is hurtful and wrong, but I think there are way worse kinds of betrayal than sleeping with someone other than your spouse (I'm not the OP, nor am I a man or a cheater)

How about destroying two families and devastating your best friends over the past 30! years?

Only a sociopath would be ok with this. OP know everyone wants to be like her and DH though so she’s staying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If my husband had sex with another woman, unprotected or not, I wouldn't be able to get naked with him again. We have small children as well (as many people do) and that's not an excuse to cheat. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal.

Cheating is hurtful and wrong, but I think there are way worse kinds of betrayal than sleeping with someone other than your spouse (I'm not the OP, nor am I a man or a cheater)

How about destroying two families and devastating your best friends over the past 30! years?

Only a sociopath would be ok with this. OP know everyone wants to be like her and DH though so she’s staying.

The OP's husband's is a dick; not sure what issue you have with the OP herself. She found out last night, she's in shock. Everyone reacts to things differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If my husband had sex with another woman, unprotected or not, I wouldn't be able to get naked with him again. We have small children as well (as many people do) and that's not an excuse to cheat. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal.

Cheating is hurtful and wrong, but I think there are way worse kinds of betrayal than sleeping with someone other than your spouse (I'm not the OP, nor am I a man or a cheater)

How about destroying two families and devastating your best friends over the past 30! years?

Only a sociopath would be ok with this. OP know everyone wants to be like her and DH though so she’s staying.

The OP's husband's is a dick; not sure what issue you have with the OP herself. She found out last night, she's in shock. Everyone reacts to things differently.

Her post is so arrogant. And I always side with humiliated spouses and do, with the poor other husband.

[Anonymous]

I just can’t get past the fact that he slept with his friend of decades wife! Presumably, he has known that guy even longer than you OP. I would not want to stay with someone when I know that’s the type of loyalty someone can expect 30 years from now.

Also...the fact that he said that he loves her suggests to me that he would have left you for her if she gave him that opportunity but she probably didn’t.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why some people are bashing the op. She just found out her husband cheated on her with his best friend’s wife. If anyone needs bashing it’s her husband, not the Op.

Op, I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve this. Your husband betrayed you and his best friend. That’s really really shitty. Maybe you will be able to eventually get past this, but if it happened to me, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who betrayed me like that. He thought only about his needs and nothing of his family or her family. What a loser.

[Anonymous]

He won't change. Especially at that age.

-- A guy (his age).

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a lowlife and you sound delusional. Nothing will ever be the same, and you will never be able to trust or respect him, again.