Help me get past his affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. I suggest reading chumplady.com
Every page
Best of luck.

Naw. She's a one trick pony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage will never be the same. But, if he does the work, figures out why he is a selfish asshole (I put myself in that category, too), and is totally transparent, it is possible to recover.

But, as I said, your marriage will never be the same.

Forgot to say that he should be in individual counseling. Marriage counseling isn't necessarily useful this early on. Is it early on? When did you find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday my husband of 13 years admitted to having feelings for another woman, and to cheating with her twice. She is his best friend’s wife, no less. We have two children under age 8. I am early 40s, he is early 50s. We are starting therapy soon. We both want to save the marriage, and he says he is sorry and regrets what happened, and while he still has feelings for her, he does not want to be with her in the future. They have cut off communication while she tries to save her marriage (she has three kids) and he, his. He has been friends with this woman for 30 years but they only recently got physically intimate.

Our intimacy had dwindled gradually over the years but we rarely spoke about it. We have sex about once a week but for me it has been maintenance sex, for him, he resents that I was going through the motions. Avoiding addressing intimacy issues was a two way street for years and I think led to what happened. But he does not blame me, he takes full responsibility for his actions.

We are a smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight. We are financially secure, good looking, vibrant people that look like what others might want to be. We are excellent co-parents. We care for each other very much. I am happy with our life, home, and family and do not want to break up. I just want him to get over his feelings for her, refocus on me, and make an effort. What surprises me is that I have reacted very calmly to this news, as if deep down, I suspected this might happen, and with her in particular. Above all I am disappointed in him for making such stupid, selfish choices. This is not the good judgment I thought he had. I am so sad that he did not talk to me, or seek help, before acting this way.

Please tell me that people can work through this kind of situation and come out happy on the other side. I do not want to start over with somebody else. I love him and want to rebuild trust and intimacy. But am I a fool to think this will work out?

If there is a God your husbands "best friend" will beat his a55 and toss his wife out. As a man, i would say you are in a tough position because, your husband is not only a cheater, he is a weasel p.o.s. Double the sliminess broke trust of two people st once.

[Anonymous]

Leave him. Eventually. Stay for kids's sake till they are grown if it is more financially viable, but mentally you are single (no dating, just a strong mom, a strong woman getting through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday my husband of 13 years admitted to having feelings for another woman, and to cheating with her twice. She is his best friend’s wife, no less. We have two children under age 8. I am early 40s, he is early 50s. We are starting therapy soon. We both want to save the marriage, and he says he is sorry and regrets what happened, and while he still has feelings for her, he does not want to be with her in the future. They have cut off communication while she tries to save her marriage (she has three kids) and he, his. He has been friends with this woman for 30 years but they only recently got physically intimate.

Our intimacy had dwindled gradually over the years but we rarely spoke about it. We have sex about once a week but for me it has been maintenance sex, for him, he resents that I was going through the motions. Avoiding addressing intimacy issues was a two way street for years and I think led to what happened. But he does not blame me, he takes full responsibility for his actions.

We are a smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight. We are financially secure, good looking, vibrant people that look like what others might want to be. We are excellent co-parents. We care for each other very much. I am happy with our life, home, and family and do not want to break up. I just want him to get over his feelings for her, refocus on me, and make an effort. What surprises me is that I have reacted very calmly to this news, as if deep down, I suspected this might happen, and with her in particular. Above all I am disappointed in him for making such stupid, selfish choices. This is not the good judgment I thought he had. I am so sad that he did not talk to me, or seek help, before acting this way.

Please tell me that people can work through this kind of situation and come out happy on the other side. I do not want to start over with somebody else. I love him and want to rebuild trust and intimacy. But am I a fool to think this will work out?

If there is a God your husbands "best friend" will beat his a55 and toss his wife out. As a man, i would say you are in a tough position because, your husband is not only a cheater, he is a weasel p.o.s. Double the sliminess broke trust of two people st once.

Dp. The double sliminess jumped out at me, too. Not to mention the kids. Deal breaker all around.

[Anonymous]

If his friend leaves his wife, your husband might leave you to be with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't, but it will take some tough work on both your parts. You describe yourself as a "smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight." That, I suspect is part of the problem. You were both so invested in keeping the peace and being one of those couples who just gets along and never fights that you didn't talk about a big issue that was undermining your marriage, your lack of intimacy. Further, when you use that word in your post, it sounds like you're referring to sexual intimacy, but I suspect it applies more broadly to include emotional intimacy as well. If you don't feel safe talking to each other about the things that are upsetting you, that's a pretty big wall to the kind of deeper emotional connection you need for a truly happy marriage.

I realize that all sounds discouraging, but it shouldn't be. Those are issues you can fix/improve if you're both committed to it and willing to do the uncomfortable work to make it happen. Just go into it knowing that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times and that you might feel worse before you feel better so it doesn't surprise you and make you think it's hopeless.

OP here. Thank you for this. FWIW, I asked him and he came clean with as much detail as I wanted. He feels awful, can't sleep, realizes he has betrayed his best buddy AND his wife in one fell swoop.

What made you ask him OP? What tipped you off?
I'm very sorry you are in this situation but you can make it out okay. Your relationship won't be the same as it was before but it can be more honest and vulnerable and I see that as a good thing. Just don't expect to feel better or forgive him overnight and don't be afraid to get mad, sad, nasty, all of those things. You don't want to stay in that place, but don't sweep your feelings under the rug in an effort to hurry up and get over this.

[Anonymous]

how you each are able to move through this, and how you process and work it out together, will determine whether the marriage will last and get better or not. There is nothing in the situation itself that is determinative--it is how you each and both feel and handle it now that will decide. So no one can tell you yes it will work or no, cut your losses. Its the process that you have to go through. But you'll know, at some other point, where you end up.

[Anonymous]

I feel so sorry for his friend and the children and less so for anyone else. OP, you sound comfortably smug in character and in how you’d conduct your life. A bomb is going to go off for that man and those kids in particular. You were betrayed but their suffering is going to be horrifying. You don’t even seem to care about that -‘f want to accelerate moving on with your amoral DH. I know you’re in shock but at least you and he seem compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for his friend and the children and less so for anyone else. OP, you sound comfortably smug in character and in how you’d conduct your life. A bomb is going to go off for that man and those kids in particular. You were betrayed but their suffering is going to be horrifying. You don’t even seem to care about that -‘f want to accelerate moving on with your amoral DH. I know you’re in shock but at least you and he seem compatible.

Really? What is OP supposed to do for that family? The OW should've thought about all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't, but it will take some tough work on both your parts. You describe yourself as a "smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight." That, I suspect is part of the problem. You were both so invested in keeping the peace and being one of those couples who just gets along and never fights that you didn't talk about a big issue that was undermining your marriage, your lack of intimacy. Further, when you use that word in your post, it sounds like you're referring to sexual intimacy, but I suspect it applies more broadly to include emotional intimacy as well. If you don't feel safe talking to each other about the things that are upsetting you, that's a pretty big wall to the kind of deeper emotional connection you need for a truly happy marriage.

I realize that all sounds discouraging, but it shouldn't be. Those are issues you can fix/improve if you're both committed to it and willing to do the uncomfortable work to make it happen. Just go into it knowing that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times and that you might feel worse before you feel better so it doesn't surprise you and make you think it's hopeless.

OP here. Thank you for this. FWIW, I asked him and he came clean with as much detail as I wanted. He feels awful, can't sleep, realizes he has betrayed his best buddy AND his wife in one fell swoop.

He feels awful and can’t sleep? It has only been one night since you found out! Don’t be stupid.

[Anonymous]

Does the best friend know?

[Anonymous]

If my husband had sex with another woman, unprotected or not, I wouldn't be able to get naked with him again. We have small children as well (as many people do) and that's not an excuse to cheat. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for his friend and the children and less so for anyone else. OP, you sound comfortably smug in character and in how you’d conduct your life. A bomb is going to go off for that man and those kids in particular. You were betrayed but their suffering is going to be horrifying. You don’t even seem to care about that -‘f want to accelerate moving on with your amoral DH. I know you’re in shock but at least you and he seem compatible.

Really? What is OP supposed to do for that family? The OW should've thought about all that.

Nothing. She’s still not earning anything from me and probably others, so keep it moving, Betrayed Wife. OP has NO empathy for the others her own bastard damaged and theirs is SO bad and arguably worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for his friend and the children and less so for anyone else. OP, you sound comfortably smug in character and in how you’d conduct your life. A bomb is going to go off for that man and those kids in particular. You were betrayed but their suffering is going to be horrifying. You don’t even seem to care about that -‘f want to accelerate moving on with your amoral DH. I know you’re in shock but at least you and he seem compatible.

Really? What is OP supposed to do for that family? The OW should've thought about all that.

Nothing. She’s still not earning anything from me and probably others, so keep it moving, Betrayed Wife. OP has NO empathy for the others her own bastard damaged and theirs is SO bad and arguably worse.

Struck a nerve?