Help me get past his affair

[Anonymous]

Yesterday my husband of 13 years admitted to having feelings for another woman, and to cheating with her twice. She is his best friend’s wife, no less. We have two children under age 8. I am early 40s, he is early 50s. We are starting therapy soon. We both want to save the marriage, and he says he is sorry and regrets what happened, and while he still has feelings for her, he does not want to be with her in the future. They have cut off communication while she tries to save her marriage (she has three kids) and he, his. He has been friends with this woman for 30 years but they only recently got physically intimate.

Our intimacy had dwindled gradually over the years but we rarely spoke about it. We have sex about once a week but for me it has been maintenance sex, for him, he resents that I was going through the motions. Avoiding addressing intimacy issues was a two way street for years and I think led to what happened. But he does not blame me, he takes full responsibility for his actions.

We are a smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight. We are financially secure, good looking, vibrant people that look like what others might want to be. We are excellent co-parents. We care for each other very much. I am happy with our life, home, and family and do not want to break up. I just want him to get over his feelings for her, refocus on me, and make an effort. What surprises me is that I have reacted very calmly to this news, as if deep down, I suspected this might happen, and with her in particular. Above all I am disappointed in him for making such stupid, selfish choices. This is not the good judgment I thought he had. I am so sad that he did not talk to me, or seek help, before acting this way.

Please tell me that people can work through this kind of situation and come out happy on the other side. I do not want to start over with somebody else. I love him and want to rebuild trust and intimacy. But am I a fool to think this will work out?

[Anonymous]

Did you confront him and he denied it but eventually came clean, or did he come to you with this information?

[Anonymous]

You are in shock. When it wears off, you will experience intense and varying emotions for a long time (think years). Good luck to you. I hope things work out for the best.

[Anonymous]

Start ramping up your game in the bedroom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you confront him and he denied it but eventually came clean, or did he come to you with this information?

I am also curious how you found out. Were you suspicious? Did he straight out tell you or did you ask him?

[Anonymous]

I don't see why you can't, but it will take some tough work on both your parts. You describe yourself as a "smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight." That, I suspect is part of the problem. You were both so invested in keeping the peace and being one of those couples who just gets along and never fights that you didn't talk about a big issue that was undermining your marriage, your lack of intimacy. Further, when you use that word in your post, it sounds like you're referring to sexual intimacy, but I suspect it applies more broadly to include emotional intimacy as well. If you don't feel safe talking to each other about the things that are upsetting you, that's a pretty big wall to the kind of deeper emotional connection you need for a truly happy marriage.

I realize that all sounds discouraging, but it shouldn't be. Those are issues you can fix/improve if you're both committed to it and willing to do the uncomfortable work to make it happen. Just go into it knowing that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times and that you might feel worse before you feel better so it doesn't surprise you and make you think it's hopeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't, but it will take some tough work on both your parts. You describe yourself as a "smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight." That, I suspect is part of the problem. You were both so invested in keeping the peace and being one of those couples who just gets along and never fights that you didn't talk about a big issue that was undermining your marriage, your lack of intimacy. Further, when you use that word in your post, it sounds like you're referring to sexual intimacy, but I suspect it applies more broadly to include emotional intimacy as well. If you don't feel safe talking to each other about the things that are upsetting you, that's a pretty big wall to the kind of deeper emotional connection you need for a truly happy marriage.

I realize that all sounds discouraging, but it shouldn't be. Those are issues you can fix/improve if you're both committed to it and willing to do the uncomfortable work to make it happen. Just go into it knowing that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times and that you might feel worse before you feel better so it doesn't surprise you and make you think it's hopeless.

OP here. Thank you for this. FWIW, I asked him and he came clean with as much detail as I wanted. He feels awful, can't sleep, realizes he has betrayed his best buddy AND his wife in one fell swoop.

[Anonymous]

OP, not to sound mean but you knew your relationship was having intimacy issues but you did not take any steps to correct it. You are placing all of the blame on your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's entirely your choice. No you cannot control your feelings, but you can control how you handle them. It's going to be a huge rollercoaster - you're going to feel angry, hurt, jealous, maybe "okay"... and then it will all repeat. But you and your DH need to decide together if and how you are going to work through all of that. You'll want/need his support at times. You might want some space at times. But that doesn't mean you should or should not stay together - again, it's your choice. And if you both truly want it, you'll make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't, but it will take some tough work on both your parts. You describe yourself as a "smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight." That, I suspect is part of the problem. You were both so invested in keeping the peace and being one of those couples who just gets along and never fights that you didn't talk about a big issue that was undermining your marriage, your lack of intimacy. Further, when you use that word in your post, it sounds like you're referring to sexual intimacy, but I suspect it applies more broadly to include emotional intimacy as well. If you don't feel safe talking to each other about the things that are upsetting you, that's a pretty big wall to the kind of deeper emotional connection you need for a truly happy marriage.

I realize that all sounds discouraging, but it shouldn't be. Those are issues you can fix/improve if you're both committed to it and willing to do the uncomfortable work to make it happen. Just go into it knowing that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times and that you might feel worse before you feel better so it doesn't surprise you and make you think it's hopeless.

They have 2 kids under 8. It is understandable that intimacy, both emotional and physical, fell to the wayside for awhile. It can get better as the kids are older especially because they are both willing to work on it and go to therapy.

OP, I would look at this as a wake up call. It sounds like your husband was unhappy about the lack of intimacy in your marriage and went to an old friend. But he confessed to you, broke off contact with the OW, and wants to make amends.

If you can find it in your heart (and through therapy) to forgive your husband, your marriage can survive this and come back stronger. Best wishes to you!

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like your marriage can survive and perhaps even can come out of this with a better marriage but it is a process and there is no rushing it or getting over all the myriad feelings quickly. It is very good that he came clean and that he does't want to be with her. Obviously he will have to cut contact and he will be losing a friendship in the process.

perhaps some folks here can recommend counselors.

[Anonymous]

It’s a double sword. He betrayed you and his best friend. Wow. Is his best friend aware of what happened? I wonder if their marriage will survive this. Ultimately you will have to both cut ties with these people. I don’t have any advice but just want to tell you that I’m really sorry.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell his best friend.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. I suggest reading chumplady.com
Every page
Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Your marriage will never be the same. But, if he does the work, figures out why he is a selfish asshole (I put myself in that category, too), and is totally transparent, it is possible to recover.

But, as I said, your marriage will never be the same.