Help me get past his affair

[Anonymous]

OP? Can you come back and answer:

Did the so called physical encounters involve sex? Was he smart about it? Two times seems like a lie already.

Does the other wife know?

[Anonymous]

Hi op. I’ve been thinking about your situation and feel so bad for you. Please can you give an update?

[Anonymous]

OP here. The woman's husband found out in early December. They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom. She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband. He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family. So the lovers have stopped talking. My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her. I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city. She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened. Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other. He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex. But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people. So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond. We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy. I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again. I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again. But I guess only time will tell. I hope I can trust him again. But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I. We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now. Please keep them coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If his friend leaves his wife, your husband might leave you to be with her.

+1

The problem is that OP asked him about it. It's not like he came to OP on his own.

Sounds like he was caught. That doesn't bode well for the future. Add to that that he still has feelings for her.

Geesh.

[Anonymous]

It can be repaired. Expect it to take two years, and he has to be very u derstanding andsupportive during this time, plus super human transparent and trustworthy. There will be a tI e for you to look at you, but early stages is about healing the wound. He’s going to have to suck up his feeling for a bit until you get through the first phase and feel safe and cherished again. It takes a long time.

On the other hand, surviving it, you will be closer and stronger than before, and happier together. There’s a nakedness and full acceptance of each other that will bring you very close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The woman's husband found out in early December. They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom. She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband. He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family. So the lovers have stopped talking. My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her. I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city. She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened. Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other. He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex. But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people. So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond. We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy. I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again. I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again. But I guess only time will tell. I hope I can trust him again. But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I. We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now. Please keep them coming.

OP, I'm sorry to say this, but don't trust him. He was caught by his friend. If he hadn't been caught, he'd still be planning trips to go sleep with this woman.

And that's an important point: He FLEW to another city to sleep with another woman -- for the sole purpose of sleeping with another woman. I'm sorry, but he does not sound dedicated to keeping his family intact. If he were dedicated, he wouldn't have gone to so much trouble to cheat. This isn't a situation where there was an opportunity and he had a moment of weakness. This was incredibly premeditated.

You are being WAY too easy on him, which means he'll cheat again because he is learning now that you won't leave him, you won't even hold him accountable.

I think you'd be better off asking him to leave the house for a while. Tell him that you love your kids, but a marriage can't exist without trust, and the onus is on him to earn that back. He needs to see that there are consequences. Otherwise, he's going to cheat again.

I also wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the first instance of cheating. And don't say, "Well, he said it wasn't." You can't trust what he says because he didn't tell you any of this until his friend caught him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He was planning to tell me, but I beat him to it. He wanted to come clean. He does not want a future with her.

[Anonymous]

He flew to be with her and they spent weekends together?

Kick him out of the house. He can beg for forgiveness and learn how to be a better man.

This is something I could never forget or forgive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He was planning to tell me, but I beat him to it. He wanted to come clean. He does not want a future with her.

...because she decided she wants to stay with her husband?

Had she wanted him, would he have bailed on you?

[Anonymous]

It can be fixed. He made a mistake, he recognizes it. You also recognize your mistake by letting intimacy slip. Humans are messy.

[Anonymous]

OP wants to believe what she wants to believe. Let her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP wants to believe what she wants to believe. Let her.

. Op you are being way too easy on your husband in my opinion. How can you trust him again?

[Anonymous]

For what its worth, my mom dealt with this and chose counseling since her husband insisted they go and work it out. He said he cut off contact completely. Months later, he was in a car accident with the other woman and my mom only found out because the car insurance policy was in her name. The slap in the face was when the unemployed other woman got a $50,000 payout from the car insurance company AND they carried on the affair.
If I were you, I would ask for a separation and go to counseling alone first and then do counseling as a couple eventually. You deserve better. Going to those lengths to sleep with someone is not merely a mistake, it's a deliberate attempt to also never get caught. He got caught and wasn't going to tell.

[Anonymous]

OP, did he use protection or just wing it?

[Anonymous]

Op you're kidding yourself if you think this affair hasn't been going on for many years.