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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  The woman's husband found out in early December.  They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom.  She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband.  He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family.  So the lovers have stopped talking.  My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her.  I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city.  She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened.  Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other.  He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex.  But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people.  So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond.  We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy.  I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again.  I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again.  But I guess only time will tell.  I hope I can trust him again.  But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I.  We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now.  Please keep them coming.  [/quote]
Before learning about the affair, you had a low "sexual appetite" and yet you stayed married to your husband despite that. For some reason, you thought nothing wrong with being married to a guy yet not wanting sex with him. Apparently, sex is not very important to you, nor do you feel that sex is important to a marriage. So why now would you end a marriage over something so unimportant as sex? As you've learned, there is no such thing as a "sexless marriage" because somebody (usually the man) is still getting some on the side. Surely you knew that your husband still wanted sex, and that you weren't having any, and you seem intelligent enough to know that is not a sustainable state of marriage. At some level you MUST have known that he would (eventually) go elsewhere for sex, yet you stayed married to him. Why now suddenly is this such a big deal?

I think your best chance to "maintain an intact family" will be to formally open the marriage. Considering that you may "never want to get naked with him again" an open marriage may be the only way to "save" your marriage.[/quote]

I don't agree with the classic victim-blaming "you didn't give him enough sex therefore he is justified in cheating" rationale given above.  No matter what the level of sex in a marriage both paretners should be able to discuss and negotiate about it explicitly.  That's a normal adult expectation in a relationship. It is a huge violation if trust and the marriage contract when one person secretly goes outside the marriage for sex, as in this case.  And, frankly, it's a huge red flag that the DH only confessed under duress.

OP, I'm gonna be straight up with you -- there is no "saving" the marriage.  The marriage you (thought you) had is dead.  There is no getting back to it.  You will never be able to build it, because you will never have the complete trust in your husband you thought you had and he will never be the person (you thought) he was.

You may choose to build a second marriage, but I would do it eyes wide open - negotiate a post-nuptial contract w/ explicit custody, child support and asset divisions now.  If your DC isn't willing to conclude this structured favorably to you, that's a nother red flag.  There is no reason you should continue to stay in a relationship without some contractual assurances, particularly since his word means nothing. [/quote]

Blame is irrelevant. How about her abandonment of affection? That's a pretty major violation of trust, he never signed up for a celibate monogamous relationship. I was not blaming anybody. I was pointing out that her marriage had already "failed" but she was perfectly content staying in her sexless marriage, so why does it matter that he's getting sex elsewhere? It is hypocritical to suddenly claim that sex is a big deal to her marriage.

If she does not want a normal sexlife, and is unwilling to open the marriage, then you are 100% correct to say there is no saving their marriage. But the failure is NOT because he cheated but rather their sexual incompatibility. You too seem pretty irrational on this issue. Pure logic shows that she wants to stay married and not have sex, while he too wants to stay married and get his sex elsewhere. An open marriage allows both to get what they want.[/quote]

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