Help me get past his affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't, but it will take some tough work on both your parts. You describe yourself as a "smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight." That, I suspect is part of the problem. You were both so invested in keeping the peace and being one of those couples who just gets along and never fights that you didn't talk about a big issue that was undermining your marriage, your lack of intimacy. Further, when you use that word in your post, it sounds like you're referring to sexual intimacy, but I suspect it applies more broadly to include emotional intimacy as well. If you don't feel safe talking to each other about the things that are upsetting you, that's a pretty big wall to the kind of deeper emotional connection you need for a truly happy marriage.

I realize that all sounds discouraging, but it shouldn't be. Those are issues you can fix/improve if you're both committed to it and willing to do the uncomfortable work to make it happen. Just go into it knowing that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times and that you might feel worse before you feel better so it doesn't surprise you and make you think it's hopeless.

This x a million. In our case the lack of fighting was avoidance of serious issues. At a crisis point we realized and acknowledged that and it has gotten better. I tell newlyweds and neice's/nephews that are getting married that one key to a long marriage is communication, and a big part of that is learning how to argue and fight fairly when there are differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a lowlife and you sound delusional. Nothing will ever be the same, and you will never be able to trust or respect him, again.

This. Sorry.

You are fabulous. You can move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't, but it will take some tough work on both your parts. You describe yourself as a "smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight." That, I suspect is part of the problem. You were both so invested in keeping the peace and being one of those couples who just gets along and never fights that you didn't talk about a big issue that was undermining your marriage, your lack of intimacy. Further, when you use that word in your post, it sounds like you're referring to sexual intimacy, but I suspect it applies more broadly to include emotional intimacy as well. If you don't feel safe talking to each other about the things that are upsetting you, that's a pretty big wall to the kind of deeper emotional connection you need for a truly happy marriage.

I realize that all sounds discouraging, but it shouldn't be. Those are issues you can fix/improve if you're both committed to it and willing to do the uncomfortable work to make it happen. Just go into it knowing that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times and that you might feel worse before you feel better so it doesn't surprise you and make you think it's hopeless.

+1.

You & your DH have a lot of work ahead you. You should also be very aware it may not work out.

[Anonymous]

This is certainly a common thing, where people get muddled up in their needs and feelings, and don't manage the boundaries of their close relationships appropriately. "I love my best friend, I love his wife, I love my wife. Something's missing in my life, and my wife and I never address anything emotionally intimate or difficult, so I'm mindlessly glomming onto one of my loved people to fill the void."

You're going to have to start talking to each other in a more open, raw way, on a regular basis. On his part, he's done a lot of damage with all these key people in his life, so he has a huge amount of work to do to try to repair and make amends to every one of you.

This isn't happening in a vacuum, so how his best friend and his affair partner handle things will affect everything, too.

For you, OP, you're in shock, as has been said, and it's early days. You will have a lot of feelings and thoughts, and you need to let yourself feel your emotions before you jump on them to intellectualize, analyze, and focus on positive solutions.

It will take a long time to work through this, and it won't be easy, but I think you guys can do it.

Just don't fall into the trap of trying to rush it, or brush things under the rug. That's what got you all here.

[Anonymous]

OP, did they actually have sex though? You said it was physical twice but didn't elaborate. Betrayal sucks regardless.

[Anonymous]

The OP's husband is in his 50's with two kids under the age of 8. My parents are in their 50's with grandkids. The OP'S husband and this woman have been friends for 30 years and that's a long time and that relationship isn't going to just go away.

[Anonymous]

OP, what will you do to address the intimacy issues?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, Hillary, but you need to leave him.

[Anonymous]

The book not just friends might be helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If my husband had sex with another woman, unprotected or not, I wouldn't be able to get naked with him again. We have small children as well (as many people do) and that's not an excuse to cheat. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal.

Cheating is hurtful and wrong, but I think there are way worse kinds of betrayal than sleeping with someone other than your spouse (I'm not the OP, nor am I a man or a cheater)

How about destroying two families and devastating your best friends over the past 30! years?

Only a sociopath would be ok with this. OP know everyone wants to be like her and DH though so she’s staying.

It seems to me that he is trying to blow up the marriage because he doesn’t have the balls to end it. He has done something that he thought you couldn’t recover from. My exDW did this - you’ll go to therapy etc and they’ll be banging behind your back.

[Anonymous]

There is no way her DH can make this up to his best friend. OP is absolutely delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, not to sound mean but you knew your relationship was having intimacy issues but you did not take any steps to correct it. You are placing all of the blame on your husband.

Similar thing happened to me and it has taken 3 years to get over. What is important though is true healing came only when I took responsibility for the lack of intimacy situation. I realized, I too was not there for him as much as he desired. Though this does not justify his actions. Now that he is remorseful about it, build back by being genuinely interested in intimacy. It will make a big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way her DH can make this up to his best friend. OP is absolutely delusional.

Does the best friend know?

[Anonymous]

OP - the question that has been asked more than once:

Does the best friend know?

Andwould you/he interested in a revenge affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't, but it will take some tough work on both your parts. You describe yourself as a "smooth sailing kind of couple – we get along very well, rarely argue or fight." That, I suspect is part of the problem. You were both so invested in keeping the peace and being one of those couples who just gets along and never fights that you didn't talk about a big issue that was undermining your marriage, your lack of intimacy. Further, when you use that word in your post, it sounds like you're referring to sexual intimacy, but I suspect it applies more broadly to include emotional intimacy as well. If you don't feel safe talking to each other about the things that are upsetting you, that's a pretty big wall to the kind of deeper emotional connection you need for a truly happy marriage.

I realize that all sounds discouraging, but it shouldn't be. Those are issues you can fix/improve if you're both committed to it and willing to do the uncomfortable work to make it happen. Just go into it knowing that it's going to be hard and uncomfortable at times and that you might feel worse before you feel better so it doesn't surprise you and make you think it's hopeless.

OP here. Thank you for this. FWIW, I asked him and he came clean with as much detail as I wanted. He feels awful, can't sleep, realizes he has betrayed his best buddy AND his wife in one fell swoop.

This sounds manipulative to me. He's playing up how he feels, and how his actions are making him sleepless, instead of focusing on the effect on you. He sounds like a dick still caught up in the selfishness of an affair - it's all about him.