Help me get past his affair

[Anonymous]

You will get better advice here : survivinginfidelity.com

[Anonymous]

Time and time alone .

[Anonymous]

Wow, why are people bashing OP? Her husband and the other women are at fault 100%. They are the ones who broke vows and made a terrible mess. Can you forgive?

I could not. We divorced when the kids were almost out of the house. I could never trust him again and he gave me reasons not to. The cheating was something I thought I could forgive. It was not.

I'm alone but not lonely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for his friend and the children and less so for anyone else. OP, you sound comfortably smug in character and in how you’d conduct your life. A bomb is going to go off for that man and those kids in particular. You were betrayed but their suffering is going to be horrifying. You don’t even seem to care about that -‘f want to accelerate moving on with your amoral DH. I know you’re in shock but at least you and he seem compatible.

Really? What is OP supposed to do for that family? The OW should've thought about all that.

Nothing. She’s still not earning anything from me and probably others, so keep it moving, Betrayed Wife. OP has NO empathy for the others her own bastard damaged and theirs is SO bad and arguably worse.

Struck a nerve?

No, and grow up. I can’t imagine not worrying about the best friend and kids. Meaning from a physical safety POV. What the hell might happen there?

Struck a nerve with you? A poster who blithely says she and he have intimacy issues but are you know perfect except for him tossing a Molotov into his best friend, father of 3, and his own kids’ lives? Wow.

You seem to have your own issues. I hope you get help, but projecting on the OP is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Highly recommend you look into the work of Esther Perel.... sheds all kind of light on the meanings of affairs and how to move forward. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You may just be in shock right now OP.
Perhaps the full gravity of what your husband did hasn’t effectively hit you yet.

But it will.
Soon too.

You sound like you are taking it quite well.
At least for the moment.

What I would find problematic is how can someone betray both his wife AND his best friend??
Especially in one swoop.

I would question his character.
He is fifty years old.
Not some young kid who needs to grow up.

Also, OP.....
Do not let anyone on here make you feel as if YOU somehow caused your husband to stray.

Keep in mind that YOU are not to blame as you are the victim in this situation!
You were the one betrayed completely.

I wish you the best in whatever happens next & am very sorry for what has happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, not to sound mean but you knew your relationship was having intimacy issues but you did not take any steps to correct it. You are placing all of the blame on your husband.

From the OP: "Avoiding addressing intimacy issues was a two way street for years and I think led to what happened." How is that placing all blame on him? As for him cheating, that is entirely his fault. OP didn't address it, but she didn't cheat either.

[Anonymous]

I really have no idea why someone (who appears rather unhinged) is piling onto OP. What does this person think OP should, or even, can do? She's not only not responsible for the bomb that is about to hit this other person's life (one has just blown up her own) but there's nothing she can do about it. Whether she fixes her marriage or ends it does't make a difference, does it, to that other victim, the OW's husband/family?

as for ppl shocked that the guy would do this to his friend...well, it sounds like he also was good friends with the wife (ap) for many years. This is how things start. a lot of intimacy that already established because they're all friends, add to that maybe some discussions where husband A and wife B start to open up about their marital frustrations and boom, you have an EA that turns into a PA. I honesty don't think it is 'worse' to have an affair with a friend than a stranger, but the fall out is worse and it suggests a greater willingness to blow things up for the sake of the affair.

and as of rpeople who think OP is arrogant or cold? she is in shock and I think--unlike many wronged spouses--she was already willing to acknowledge that there were things in the marriage that could have been improved, she could have improved. Does n't make the cheating okay in any way, but it suggests to me that she has the emotional insight to understand in some way why this happened.

It also resonated with me, OP--we got married late, are your ages (40s/50s) with 2 kids under 8 and our intimacy/romance has not be at the forefront for a while. I can't really say that its either of our faults ,or that it is one sided, but we both know that there's not a lot of passion or chemistry and yet we don't really broach it. While I have no interest in another romantic relationship, I could see myself sexually attracted to someone else --conversely I could see DH falling in love with someone else (he's more of the romantic, I'm more of the sexual adventurer).

[Anonymous]

You won't ever trust him again and always wonder when or if he'll cheat again. His feelings go her may never go away. I was you a few years ago, divorcing now. Good luck. Maybe counseling will work for you. He needs his own counseling and you too. My regret was not getting my own counselor for me from the get go.

[Anonymous]

This situation doesn't sound that bad to me. Everyone makes mistakes. It's just sex. I don't see why so many people advise throwing away years of work and caretaking for a few hours of poor-judgment play. OP, I think your marriage might even end up stronger or more intimate for the experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This situation doesn't sound that bad to me. Everyone makes mistakes. It's just sex. I don't see why so many people advise throwing away years of work and caretaking for a few hours of poor-judgment play. OP, I think your marriage might even end up stronger or more intimate for the experience.

+1, and I agree with the PP who suggested Esther Perel, she has the most forward-thinking work on moving forward after infidelity that I am aware of.

[Anonymous]

OP, the worst part is he has feelings for the other woman. It means his feelings for you are dead. Are you positive you want to stay married to avoid the inconvenience of divorce? I wouldn't judge you if you did, it would probably do your kids right...

I'm sorry this happened to you. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Get a copy of Not Just Friends and read it. It will help you understand your own path and also how you both got to this point. You CAN get through this, as long as you both want to. But your marriage will always be different now. Not necessarily in a bad way, but be prepared. There is no erasing this.

Him coming clean and cutting off contact is a good sign.

[Anonymous]

You can get past this. It will take years though. You’ll have flashbacks. It’s no easy. You likely won’t trust him for years.

But he seems like a weak person. Betraying you and his best friend. Really bad judgment.
He basically killed his friendship and relationship in one go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the worst part is he has feelings for the other woman. It means his feelings for you are dead. [b]Are you positive you want to stay married to avoid the inconvenience of divorce? I wouldn't judge you if you did, it would probably do your kids right...

I'm sorry this happened to you. Best of luck!

He THINKS he has feelings. Perhaps. Or it's just the chemical high of the affair talking.

And his feelings for you are not necessarily dead.

It's really what your deal-breaking point is. And just speaking for me: stepping out with his best friend's wife is WAY over mine.