Help me get past his affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH and I have started seeing a couples therapist and have both said we want to stay together, improve communication, and end up stronger on the other side. He regrets what he did, agrees it was a selfish mistake, and says he wants to rebuild my trust. I have good days and bad days, and realize it will take time to heal. We also have no idea what is happening with the other couple's marriage, and I am really curious if they will stay together. If/when he hears from her, I will know immediately. Then he knows he must break off the friendship altogether.

I absolutely do NOT want the chaos of divorce. I saw a sibling go through a divorce three years ago and it terrified me, and they had no children! If he fails to motivate himself into a better man and betrays me again, then I would be much more likely to split up. But for now, I'm choosing to trust and rebuild.

Thank you for the update. You are a very strong woman. I keep thinking of just how lucky your DH is to have you, although I sure as hell don’t think he deserves you. I hope you are able to trust your DH again. Best of luck on your road to recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, youbare wrong. He cheated after the sex was dead. The marriage is dead because rhe op will not own up to her role in the relationship.

Dead sex does not equal cheating as next step. Dead sex = honest discussion as next step. Unsolvable, dead sex = proposing open marriage or divorce. This preserves a choice for the wife. Nowhere is lying or cheating necessary, and there are lots of lies to pull off cheating. Lying takes away OP’s option of choice to continue in the marriage under new terms of non-monogamy, which has equal weight to her spouses needs for sex. Her needs for security and an honest partner are just as valid as his need for sex. The marriage is dead because her husband will not own up to using dishonesty to deprive OP of choice of her needs for honesty and dependability being met (pretending he was monogamous when he wasn’t) instead of co-solving their problems as adults.

OP wanted to know if she could get over this. Playing the blame game will not help OP get over this. The only thing that will help OP get over this is a husband who chooses honesty to solve problems, like lack of satisfying sex, and OP finding renewed motivation to join her husband in a mutually satisfying physical relationship. Or choosing to live in an open marriage, if it’s a mutual choice. It’s a complicated dance where both partners have to start moving to the music, however, if her husband wants this to work, he’ll be very generous in establishing his wish to be transparent, honest, and careful with her feelings. It would go a long way before he starts making demands of his own. If he doesn’t want the marriage then I think he should be all about getting his needs met right up front, without considering how she might be hurt, or her needs, and without considering lying is a poor way of solving marital problems.

You are assuming that they did NOT have an honest discussion. OP admitted that she was avoiding a resolution to the problem. How long should the spouse be given to ponder an important aspect of their marriage? Weeks, months, or years. The burden of this does not fall on one person's shoulders. You do not know what he did to address the issue.

Maybe they did have an honest discussion about sexual differences and OP did avoid resolution. The next step would be for the cheating spouse to say "we have not been able to improve our sex life nor have we been able to negotiate an open marriage, therefore I am filing for divorce."

There is no answer to "how long should a spouse be given to ponder the marriage". For me, I gave my husband a year to demonstrate that he had some remorse for his cheating and to get into therapy and be able to tell the truth about what he did and explain why he felt the need to do it. I accepted his efforts in to repair the marriage and moved on, but found out only 9 months later that he had told some big lies to make it seem like what he did was less problematic than it really was. After that -- time's up. I no longer consented to be in any kind of relationship with him and asked him to leave the house. He didn't get any more time to "ponder the important aspects of" his marriage.

It is the same for the spouse who is not getting sex -- you can choose how long to live with it, how to try to engage your spouse to reignite the sex life and what you want to do with it within the limits of honesty and consent. What you cannot do, is lie to your spouse about being monogamous in order to manipulate her into staying in a marriage, the terms of which she has not knowingly consented to.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, youbare wrong. He cheated after the sex was dead. The marriage is dead because rhe op will not own up to her role in the relationship.

Dead sex does not equal cheating as next step. Dead sex = honest discussion as next step. Unsolvable, dead sex = proposing open marriage or divorce. This preserves a choice for the wife. Nowhere is lying or cheating necessary, and there are lots of lies to pull off cheating. Lying takes away OP’s option of choice to continue in the marriage under new terms of non-monogamy, which has equal weight to her spouses needs for sex. Her needs for security and an honest partner are just as valid as his need for sex. The marriage is dead because her husband will not own up to using dishonesty to deprive OP of choice of her needs for honesty and dependability being met (pretending he was monogamous when he wasn’t) instead of co-solving their problems as adults.

OP wanted to know if she could get over this. Playing the blame game will not help OP get over this. The only thing that will help OP get over this is a husband who chooses honesty to solve problems, like lack of satisfying sex, and OP finding renewed motivation to join her husband in a mutually satisfying physical relationship. Or choosing to live in an open marriage, if it’s a mutual choice. It’s a complicated dance where both partners have to start moving to the music, however, if her husband wants this to work, he’ll be very generous in establishing his wish to be transparent, honest, and careful with her feelings. It would go a long way before he starts making demands of his own. If he doesn’t want the marriage then I think he should be all about getting his needs met right up front, without considering how she might be hurt, or her needs, and without considering lying is a poor way of solving marital problems.

You are assuming that they did NOT have an honest discussion. OP admitted that she was avoiding a resolution to the problem. How long should the spouse be given to ponder an important aspect of their marriage? Weeks, months, or years. The burden of this does not fall on one person's shoulders. You do not know what he did to address the issue.

Maybe they did have an honest discussion about sexual differences and OP did avoid resolution. The next step would be for the cheating spouse to say "we have not been able to improve our sex life nor have we been able to negotiate an open marriage, therefore I am filing for divorce."

There is no answer to "how long should a spouse be given to ponder the marriage". For me, I gave my husband a year to demonstrate that he had some remorse for his cheating and to get into therapy and be able to tell the truth about what he did and explain why he felt the need to do it. I accepted his efforts in to repair the marriage and moved on, but found out only 9 months later that he had told some big lies to make it seem like what he did was less problematic than it really was. After that -- time's up. I no longer consented to be in any kind of relationship with him and asked him to leave the house. He didn't get any more time to "ponder the important aspects of" his marriage.

It is the same for the spouse who is not getting sex -- you can choose how long to live with it, how to try to engage your spouse to reignite the sex life and what you want to do with it within the limits of honesty and consent. What you cannot do, is lie to your spouse about being monogamous in order to manipulate her into staying in a marriage, the terms of which she has not knowingly consented to.

All of which we do not know. We do not know if the DH asked for divorce, or if he tried. When people are under duress, they will often turn to what is easiest for relief. In this case, it was a friend's wife. Personally, I wish divorce wasn't so stigmatized. I cannot imaging waking up with a sexual urge everyday and having someone next to you who is supposed to help fulfill those needs as a couple. We deny essential parts of ourselves as humans to go along with puritanical notions of fidelity and marriage.

Could we stop pretending that people "ask" for divorce? In this day and age permission is not required from a spouse to divorce. If you want a divorce, you see an attorney and follow the steps to separate and file. Out of courtesy you might tell your spouse you are filing for divorce before the papers are served and attempt to work out a mutually agreeable settlement. But, no one can prevent you from divorcing.