Son and DIL hate me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a son problem. My son called to tell me he didn't let his wife know that I was coming. He just wants me to let it go and says it will all smooth over.

Is this OP?

Yes. Apparently, my son forgot to book their family vacation and was trying to use this as a way to smooth things over with DIL. He was just going to spring me on her assuming she wouldn't say anything. Im certainly disappointed.

Huh?? Now you sound like a troll, for sure. Gimme a break.

NP here. Stop calling troll. The adult son is a wimp who didn't tell his wife something he feared she might not like and then expected her to suck it up when he sprung it on her. HE is responsible for its being a surprise, not MIL, because MIL thought DIL knew the whole deal. The mess is son's fault for not being able to talk to his wife, who sounds like a drama queen if she really said for MIL not to contact them for six months just because MIL gave her family a huge, expensive gift.

MIL did consult. MIL did tell son in advance that she would come as well. That is not crossing boundaries because son did not tell her that at the time but said yes to the gift he knew was coming, but didn't say when they initially discussed it, "Don't come, mom. Boundaries!" All the boundaries talk on here, when you know the details about how MIL was up front from the start with son, is silly. It's son who wasn't up front with his wife. Maybe MIL knows that if she talks directly to DIL about these things -- even something as good as this gift -- she'll get blasted as somehow in the wrong.

MIL told son and assumed he would fill in his wife on the details. He didn't. Maybe MIL shouldn't have made that assumption, sure, but apparently she was giving their ENTIRE family a huge, expensive gift and was clear with son that she would come as well, and he is too big a wuss to tell his wife the whole deal, and wife is too big a drama queen to say thank you and deal so the kids can enjoy themselves.

The stuff about the ex-DIL and MIL's relationship with her is not relevant. MIL didn't say she is best buddies with her ex-DIL. She's been clear that her house is the drop-off point for her grandson and she must see ex-DIL there when the boy gets picked up. What's MIL supposed to do, be a cold witch to ex-DIL whenever there's a pickup and they cross paths? What good would that do anyone, especially the grandson?

Before the usual DCUM snark starts up, no, I am not MIL posting again. I'm just seeing such mean-spirited posts assuming that MIL is obviously in the wrong, no matter what additional details she tries to provide, because there's always so much hate for all MILs on DCUM. And no, I'm not an MIL at all myself. I'm a DIL who knows when to act civilized and accept a gift like a grown-up.

So the idea is that MIL asked DS because she knew that DIL would in no way want to take a week-long trip with her? How is that in any way acceptable behavior? MIL, DIL doesn't like you and doesn't want to take a trip with you. Let it go.

What happened to all those pps saying in other threads that moms shouldn't communicated with DIL, but rather with her own son, and not assume that women must be in charge of everything? Here, MIL talked it over with her own son, and not DIL and again MIL is at fault? How is it that people here will find any single way of blaming MILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a son problem. My son called to tell me he didn't let his wife know that I was coming. He just wants me to let it go and says it will all smooth over.

And you know why he's got a problem?

It's because you are overbearing and his wife isn't a doormat.

STEP BACK.

Why is it overbearing to want to go on a trip you're paying for? I discussed in advance with my son. He agreed. I'm the problem here?

Yes, because you're not considering that his wife has an equal voice which may be different than your son's. If he can't even tell her these essentials until the last minute, then clearly he's too much under your thumb and thus, you probably have an overbearing personality.

Next time, you talk to the wife first, as an acknowledgment that usually women are the schedulers and planners in the couple (not always, but looks like it here), and as a gesture of peace. Then you double check with your son to see if it's alright with him too. Don't say anything one that you wouldn't say to the other. Treat them as equal partners.

Don't put all the blame on MIL.

It is highly possible since he is on wife #2, that son A) is a sucky husband and communicator and B) he does a very poor job selecting his wives.

My guess is that it is a combo of the two.

I think this is bad advice -- I hate it when my MIL comes to me about this stuff. Deal with the son that you raised! I don't want to be the one to tell her "No that totally doesn't work for us." Let her son do that. Plus my husband has a bad relationship with his mom, so I resent being made to be the intermediary because they don't like each other. But it would not have been a bad idea to send an email or note to the DIL after the converstaion with the son, saying something like "I am so excited about our trip to Disney together! Let me know if there's anything I can do to help plan out activities and meals. I don't want to put extra work on you with planning, but I want to make sure that we can do the things you and the kids want to do."
Incidentally, we travel with my parents all the time -- usually because my husband suggests it because he knows how much the kids like it. And we usually pay at least part of my parents' way. I think the DIL is being pissy here -- it would be an over-reach if the MIL just planned the trip and sprang it on the kids without planning with the parents, but here it sounds like she did plan it with the son, and he totally dropped the ball by agreeing without talking to his wife about it. He's 100% at fault here, not the MIL. That said, MIL should take this as a sign that her son's marriage is on the rocks, and should just try to not make things any worse than they apparently already are.

[Anonymous]

White people problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL gave us Disney tickets which I didn't like because if I go on a vacation, I'd like to have a say about when and where. I don't even like Disney. It felt more like a coerced visit than a gift.

You are incredibly selfish and grateful. You can coordinate vacations with MIL, you know? And it is an extra free vacation. You can even talk to her about her taking the kids on her own. MILs are people too, who have best of intentions, and yet somehow nothing they do is right. If you just bothered to cultivate cordial relationship, you would realize that most people don't do things out of spite. MILs are moms, just like you are, and you should try to think that one day you might be in the same position, where you would like to see your kids and grand kids, who might hate your guts for no reason other than being selfish brats like you.

extra free vacation? where are those vacation days coming from? did MIL negotiate with employer for extra days off?

If this is not a troll, MIL obviously negotiated everything with her son. Son is incapable of communicating properly with his wife or mother. It seems to me that adult son has some difficulties in either being a responsible adult and if true, his rant at his mom is totally self absorbed and selfish behavior.

That's the point. Why is MIL "negotiating everything" about the family trip with her son? It's DS and DIL's family, NOT MIL's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL gave us Disney tickets which I didn't like because if I go on a vacation, I'd like to have a say about when and where. I don't even like Disney. It felt more like a coerced visit than a gift.

You are incredibly selfish and grateful. You can coordinate vacations with MIL, you know? And it is an extra free vacation. You can even talk to her about her taking the kids on her own. MILs are people too, who have best of intentions, and yet somehow nothing they do is right. If you just bothered to cultivate cordial relationship, you would realize that most people don't do things out of spite. MILs are moms, just like you are, and you should try to think that one day you might be in the same position, where you would like to see your kids and grand kids, who might hate your guts for no reason other than being selfish brats like you.

extra free vacation? where are those vacation days coming from? did MIL negotiate with employer for extra days off?

If this is not a troll, MIL obviously negotiated everything with her son. Son is incapable of communicating properly with his wife or mother. It seems to me that adult son has some difficulties in either being a responsible adult and if true, his rant at his mom is totally self absorbed and selfish behavior.

That's the point. Why is MIL "negotiating everything" about the family trip with her son? It's DS and DIL's family, NOT MIL's.

If different was the opposite, we would be hearing from DIL.. "why can't my MIL talk to her son, but put me in the middle of everything? Just because I am a woman?" rant. There is just no win with some DILs.

[Anonymous]

They don't hate you. They resent having their vacation/vacation time planned for them like that. For families with kids it really is their time to decompress, relax, enjoy their time off doing what they want to do - without answering or tending to anyone else.

Unless they always come to Orlando to visit you at a specific time every year, you overstepped a bit. It's not the end of the world, you meant this to be a wonderful surprise for them and my heart hurts for you that it was taken this way. But if it isn't appreciated you should know that now.

You sound like a really sweet person. If we could all have crystal balls to know these things.....it would be nice.

[Anonymous]

MIL, lesson learned. Next year, amazon gift cards for all. If they want to do things with you, they'll invite you. You can invite them as well, of course, but don't be presumptuous enough to assume your DIL would want to take a days-long trip with you.

[Anonymous]

^^without asking her about it first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't hate you. They resent having their vacation/vacation time planned for them like that. For families with kids it really is their time to decompress, relax, enjoy their time off doing what they want to do - without answering or tending to anyone else.

Unless they always come to Orlando to visit you at a specific time every year, you overstepped a bit. It's not the end of the world, you meant this to be a wonderful surprise for them and my heart hurts for you that it was taken this way. But if it isn't appreciated you should know that now.

You sound like a really sweet person. If we could all have crystal balls to know these things.....it would be nice.

Please, there is not such thing as a decompress vacation with little kids. Nor with teens, for that matter, but it is much better with teens, for sure. If anything, MIL being there would allow the parents to have help with the kids and actually take some time for themselves. DILs here are real haters, and no I am not a MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't hate you. They resent having their vacation/vacation time planned for them like that. For families with kids it really is their time to decompress, relax, enjoy their time off doing what they want to do - without answering or tending to anyone else.

Unless they always come to Orlando to visit you at a specific time every year, you overstepped a bit. It's not the end of the world, you meant this to be a wonderful surprise for them and my heart hurts for you that it was taken this way. But if it isn't appreciated you should know that now.

You sound like a really sweet person. If we could all have crystal balls to know these things.....it would be nice.

Please, there is not such thing as a decompress vacation with little kids. Nor with teens, for that matter, but it is much better with teens, for sure. If anything, MIL being there would allow the parents to have help with the kids and actually take some time for themselves. DILs here are real haters, and no I am not a MIL.

That is true for you. It isn't the case for everyone. Do not assume....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't hate you. They resent having their vacation/vacation time planned for them like that. For families with kids it really is their time to decompress, relax, enjoy their time off doing what they want to do - without answering or tending to anyone else.

Unless they always come to Orlando to visit you at a specific time every year, you overstepped a bit. It's not the end of the world, you meant this to be a wonderful surprise for them and my heart hurts for you that it was taken this way. But if it isn't appreciated you should know that now.

You sound like a really sweet person. If we could all have crystal balls to know these things.....it would be nice.

Please, there is not such thing as a decompress vacation with little kids. Nor with teens, for that matter, but it is much better with teens, for sure. If anything, MIL being there would allow the parents to have help with the kids and actually take some time for themselves. DILs here are real haters, and no I am not a MIL.

That is true for you. It isn't the case for everyone. Do not assume....

See what I mean? Just argumentative, non stop finding fault with anything anybody says... She is a sweet person, but, if we could see these things, but, grandma can help, but, my heart hurts for you, but.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't hate you. They resent having their vacation/vacation time planned for them like that. For families with kids it really is their time to decompress, relax, enjoy their time off doing what they want to do - without answering or tending to anyone else.

Unless they always come to Orlando to visit you at a specific time every year, you overstepped a bit. It's not the end of the world, you meant this to be a wonderful surprise for them and my heart hurts for you that it was taken this way. But if it isn't appreciated you should know that now.

You sound like a really sweet person. If we could all have crystal balls to know these things.....it would be nice.

Please, there is not such thing as a decompress vacation with little kids. Nor with teens, for that matter, but it is much better with teens, for sure. If anything, MIL being there would allow the parents to have help with the kids and actually take some time for themselves. DILs here are real haters, and no I am not a MIL.

That is true for you. It isn't the case for everyone. Do not assume....

See what I mean? Just argumentative, non stop finding fault with anything anybody says... She is a sweet person, but, if we could see these things, but, grandma can help, but, my heart hurts for you, but.....

Bottom line is, working parents get very limited time off. And some of that time has to be spent staying home with kids on snow days, or shlepping kids on field trips...whatever.

A couple wanting to spend quality time with each other and their own kids is not "bad", wanting to plan their own time off is not "bad", it's not a show of disrespect to other family members, it just is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't hate you. They resent having their vacation/vacation time planned for them like that. For families with kids it really is their time to decompress, relax, enjoy their time off doing what they want to do - without answering or tending to anyone else.

Unless they always come to Orlando to visit you at a specific time every year, you overstepped a bit. It's not the end of the world, you meant this to be a wonderful surprise for them and my heart hurts for you that it was taken this way. But if it isn't appreciated you should know that now.

You sound like a really sweet person. If we could all have crystal balls to know these things.....it would be nice.

Please, there is not such thing as a decompress vacation with little kids. Nor with teens, for that matter, but it is much better with teens, for sure. If anything, MIL being there would allow the parents to have help with the kids and actually take some time for themselves. DILs here are real haters, and no I am not a MIL.

That is true for you. It isn't the case for everyone. Do not assume....

See what I mean? Just argumentative, non stop finding fault with anything anybody says... She is a sweet person, but, if we could see these things, but, grandma can help, but, my heart hurts for you, but.....

Bottom line is, working parents get very limited time off. And some of that time has to be spent staying home with kids on snow days, or shlepping kids on field trips...whatever.

A couple wanting to spend quality time with each other and their own kids is not "bad", wanting to plan their own time off is not "bad", it's not a show of disrespect to other family members, it just is what it is.

And the PP was right to point out that it's a HUGE assumption to say that MIL going on vacation with the family would be helpful. Not all grandmothers can or want to provide childcare/supervision. If you are lucky enough to have that, great. But not everyone has an MIL they can rely on, or who is interested in childcare, so for those people it would not be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't hate you. They resent having their vacation/vacation time planned for them like that. For families with kids it really is their time to decompress, relax, enjoy their time off doing what they want to do - without answering or tending to anyone else.

Unless they always come to Orlando to visit you at a specific time every year, you overstepped a bit. It's not the end of the world, you meant this to be a wonderful surprise for them and my heart hurts for you that it was taken this way. But if it isn't appreciated you should know that now.

You sound like a really sweet person. If we could all have crystal balls to know these things.....it would be nice.

Please, there is not such thing as a decompress vacation with little kids. Nor with teens, for that matter, but it is much better with teens, for sure. If anything, MIL being there would allow the parents to have help with the kids and actually take some time for themselves. DILs here are real haters, and no I am not a MIL.

That is true for you. It isn't the case for everyone. Do not assume....

See what I mean? Just argumentative, non stop finding fault with anything anybody says... She is a sweet person, but, if we could see these things, but, grandma can help, but, my heart hurts for you, but.....

Bottom line is, working parents get very limited time off. And some of that time has to be spent staying home with kids on snow days, or shlepping kids on field trips...whatever.

A couple wanting to spend quality time with each other and their own kids is not "bad", wanting to plan their own time off is not "bad", it's not a show of disrespect to other family members, it just is what it is.

And the PP was right to point out that it's a HUGE assumption to say that MIL going on vacation with the family would be helpful. Not all grandmothers can or want to provide childcare/supervision. If you are lucky enough to have that, great. But not everyone has an MIL they can rely on, or who is interested in childcare, so for those people it would not be helpful.

And some parents actually do want to spend time with their kids. It's a rare opportunity to get away from work/school/friends/activities/commitments - ALL the demands of every day life - and just focus on spending some undivided time with just each other.

[Anonymous]

All you people ranting on are ignoring that this was only a surprise because of the son. I suspect MIL would not object to the family taking a vacation without her. What is at issue here is a MIL that offered to pay for an expensive vacation that she would go along on. There is nothing inherently wrong with that and the family could have declined if they did not want to go. The disconnect here is that the son did not tell his wife MIL was coming along and the son clearly has communication issues.

I am sorry MIL, the mistake you made, if any, was in raising a son that married a woman he cannot talk to. That is actually a serious problem but not necessarily a matter of your fault.