Why did you cheat on your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people asshme that cheating folks havent talked begged pleaded with their apouse, havent gone to counseling etc. Some of the folks who cheat have done all you suggest and more and nothing has changed and if touch is your love language and the person you loved and made vows to isnt touching you and doesn't care that you need that well sometimes just sucking it up and dealing isnt possible. You cannot look at it narrowly. Cheating is not right but neither is cutting off intimacy in your marriage and just expecting your partner to be OK with it. When one of the shrill people acknowledges that I will stop posting in this thread.

+1 I think if you look at affairs its probably 10% or people that are asshats and want some sex with someone else or fall pray to carnal desire. The other 90% would be people who have done everything they can think of to have this part of their relationship but are not able to. We have tried different strategies, i have made changes to myself, counseling. At this point there is nothing left to turn to but that she just does not care enough about me to realize how painful this is. I don't want a divorce because I like her, respect her, she is a great mother and outside of sex we get along really well. Not having sex with your partner is violating your marriage contract as well, so I am not sure why deniers get a pass but people that decide they need to take action to make themselves happy when their spouse actively decides not to get painted as selfish asseholes who don't have any morals. If you ask any cheater if they would rather be doing what they are doing with their AP with their spouse, I think 90% would say yes.

I guess that puts me in the asshat camp. It isn't that I was out for some strange, but I didn't actually try with my DH, and we were having (bad, disconnected) sex. And fell pray to emotions and sexual desire, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people asshme that cheating folks havent talked begged pleaded with their apouse, havent gone to counseling etc. Some of the folks who cheat have done all you suggest and more and nothing has changed and if touch is your love language and the person you loved and made vows to isnt touching you and doesn't care that you need that well sometimes just sucking it up and dealing isnt possible. You cannot look at it narrowly. Cheating is not right but neither is cutting off intimacy in your marriage and just expecting your partner to be OK with it. When one of the shrill people acknowledges that I will stop posting in this thread.

You're trying to justify the cheating. Why not get divorced?

[Anonymous]

Everytime I asked my husband , he rejected me.He's addicted with teenage porn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people asshme that cheating folks havent talked begged pleaded with their apouse, havent gone to counseling etc. Some of the folks who cheat have done all you suggest and more and nothing has changed and if touch is your love language and the person you loved and made vows to isnt touching you and doesn't care that you need that well sometimes just sucking it up and dealing isnt possible. You cannot look at it narrowly. Cheating is not right but neither is cutting off intimacy in your marriage and just expecting your partner to be OK with it. When one of the shrill people acknowledges that I will stop posting in this thread.

I will acknowledge it. (Although I an NP.) No intimacy in marriage is not right. But neither is cheating. When I was little my brother would do something wrong and crappy to me, and I would do something wrong and crappy back without any remorse, justifying it by saying his wrong and crappy behavior meant he deserved mine. My mother would admonish me, "Two wrongs don't make a right." And I would be punished for redressing a wrong by doing wrong.

I think you miss the point when people are attacking you for having no moral values. You think thag they are saying you are immoral for sleeping with another. But, the real accusation is that you have no morals in terms of how you choose to redress wrongs against yourself. This basic moral value is the underpinning of a society that is committed to escaping the downward cycle of tit fot tat.

It is not immoral to be honest about your needs, negotiate for them and then end the relationship if you can't come to terms. It is immoral to be unable to achieve your goals in negotiation but then secretly lie and manipulate to get what you want elsewhere while still keeping your partner on the hook.

Circumstance made you want to be unfaithful, but only you chose to actually take action on that. You chose that because it seemed easier, less painful and appeared to involve less loss to yourself than the option of divorce. You need to own that and not blame your spouse. that part was solely you.

[Anonymous]

I haven't cheated but want to. I've lost all desire for him. He wanted sex so rarely and turned me down often. Then I come to find out he had an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everytime I asked my husband , he rejected me.He's addicted with teenage porn.

Eww, as in under age..illegal. That would be a divorce, get out please. I'd worry about my kids if you have any, seriously.

[Anonymous]

If you lose everything you've worked hard for over some loser you stupidly had sex with you'll really feel like shit.

When cheating is involved divorce court can be especially ugly and expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people asshme that cheating folks havent talked begged pleaded with their apouse, havent gone to counseling etc. Some of the folks who cheat have done all you suggest and more and nothing has changed and if touch is your love language and the person you loved and made vows to isnt touching you and doesn't care that you need that well sometimes just sucking it up and dealing isnt possible. You cannot look at it narrowly. Cheating is not right but neither is cutting off intimacy in your marriage and just expecting your partner to be OK with it. When one of the shrill people acknowledges that I will stop posting in this thread.

You're trying to justify the cheating. Why not get divorced?

Actually my husband cheated on me. We divorced. I just have lived long enough to see that none of those things are right. Goid luck to you in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people asshme that cheating folks havent talked begged pleaded with their apouse, havent gone to counseling etc. Some of the folks who cheat have done all you suggest and more and nothing has changed and if touch is your love language and the person you loved and made vows to isnt touching you and doesn't care that you need that well sometimes just sucking it up and dealing isnt possible. You cannot look at it narrowly. Cheating is not right but neither is cutting off intimacy in your marriage and just expecting your partner to be OK with it. When one of the shrill people acknowledges that I will stop posting in this thread.

I will acknowledge it. (Although I an NP.) No intimacy in marriage is not right. But neither is cheating. When I was little my brother would do something wrong and crappy to me, and I would do something wrong and crappy back without any remorse, justifying it by saying his wrong and crappy behavior meant he deserved mine. My mother would admonish me, "Two wrongs don't make a right." And I would be punished for redressing a wrong by doing wrong.

I think you miss the point when people are attacking you for having no moral values. You think thag they are saying you are immoral for sleeping with another. But, the real accusation is that you have no morals in terms of how you choose to redress wrongs against yourself. This basic moral value is the underpinning of a society that is committed to escaping the downward cycle of tit fot tat.

It is not immoral to be honest about your needs, negotiate for them and then end the relationship if you can't come to terms. It is immoral to be unable to achieve your goals in negotiation but then secretly lie and manipulate to get what you want elsewhere while still keeping your partner on the hook.

Circumstance made you want to be unfaithful, but only you chose to actually take action on that. You chose that because it seemed easier, less painful and appeared to involve less loss to yourself than the option of divorce. You need to own that and not blame your spouse. that part was solely you.

Once again, I did not cheat on my spouse HE cheated on ME though not because I was withholding intimacy from him. There is more than one person here discussing this and to ASSume that only a person who had cheated would see the other side says a lot about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Damn, so many whores here.

Yup, and there are lot of prudish cold fish here who look at their spouses as roommates and not lovers.

And those whores apparently have their mouth permanently sealed with cocks and pussies since they can't talk to their partner and work out a solution.

Right....except, before I cheated, I came to my spouse with my concerns and went to counseling about it (with him). Tried to work out a solution for 2 years. Things got worse. Then he came out and said that sex and intimacy were not important to him and that 2-3 times a year was the best I had hoped for. Should have divorced him then, but I didn't. That was my fault. But I had bought into this notion that marriage was forever and that sexual incompatibility was a poor reason to divorce. I do not regret my affair but I do wish that I had the courage to leave before I had one.

Question. If I am in this situation. Should I begin planning to leave? I thought I could live this way, but I cannot. Am I a time bomb?

[Anonymous]

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/536179.page

Because he is a low earning husband who does not want to share in any household or childcare duties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people asshme that cheating folks havent talked begged pleaded with their apouse, havent gone to counseling etc. Some of the folks who cheat have done all you suggest and more and nothing has changed and if touch is your love language and the person you loved and made vows to isnt touching you and doesn't care that you need that well sometimes just sucking it up and dealing isnt possible. You cannot look at it narrowly. Cheating is not right but neither is cutting off intimacy in your marriage and just expecting your partner to be OK with it. When one of the shrill people acknowledges that I will stop posting in this thread.

You're trying to justify the cheating. Why not get divorced?

Actually my husband cheated on me. We divorced. I just have lived long enough to see that none of those things are right. Goid luck to you in your marriage.

I'm not married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years of lack of sex, other than wifely duty once or twice a month. Many talks, arguments, tears, attempted solutions, nothing worked. A woman showed interest, I was super lonely, felt alive again. Yes, totally cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason. Affair in the past, no one found out, wife and I doing better now. The kind of affair you never hear about, because it was undiscovered and saved a marriage.

Are you sure your wife didn't find out? To what did she attribute your change?

I am positive she didn't find out. I am not sure I changed. I think she changed, regained her sexual side as the kids got older. I also think I became more attractive to her when I stopped seething in resentment over our near sexless marriage and had a spring back in my step from feeling human again.

I will bet she knew. Decided the finances, kids, lifestyle were more important than a broken home. You would be surprised at how many women do know. She is merely doing the trick she has to do to keep what she values most. I guarantee your affair didn't save a marriage. She took a different approach, and has learned to be a good actress.

If I was his wife and I knew he'd cheated but that our marriage was now working, I would be glad to have my husband back and not worried about how he got there. It wouldn't be an act. I assure you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people asshme that cheating folks havent talked begged pleaded with their apouse, havent gone to counseling etc. Some of the folks who cheat have done all you suggest and more and nothing has changed and if touch is your love language and the person you loved and made vows to isnt touching you and doesn't care that you need that well sometimes just sucking it up and dealing isnt possible. You cannot look at it narrowly. Cheating is not right but neither is cutting off intimacy in your marriage and just expecting your partner to be OK with it. When one of the shrill people acknowledges that I will stop posting in this thread.

You're trying to justify the cheating. Why not get divorced?

Actually my husband cheated on me. We divorced. I just have lived long enough to see that none of those things are right. Goid luck to you in your marriage.

I'm not married.

Well if you were married and can't see all sides of this and at least acknowledge what has been explained to you here, then I feel sorry for you. If you haven't been married, I'll give you a pass because there is a lot you don't get about marriage until you are actually in one and find that some of the stuff you thought were non-negotiables become a little more negotiable. I always thought cheating would be an instant and immediate dealbreaker. Then my husband cheated and suddenly it wasn't that simple. At the end of the day we ended up divorced and that was best but I know now to never say never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Damn, so many whores here.

Yup, and there are lot of prudish cold fish here who look at their spouses as roommates and not lovers.

And those whores apparently have their mouth permanently sealed with cocks and pussies since they can't talk to their partner and work out a solution.

Right....except, before I cheated, I came to my spouse with my concerns and went to counseling about it (with him). Tried to work out a solution for 2 years. Things got worse. Then he came out and said that sex and intimacy were not important to him and that 2-3 times a year was the best I had hoped for. Should have divorced him then, but I didn't. That was my fault. But I had bought into this notion that marriage was forever and that sexual incompatibility was a poor reason to divorce. I do not regret my affair but I do wish that I had the courage to leave before I had one.

Question. If I am in this situation. Should I begin planning to leave? I thought I could live this way, but I cannot. Am I a time bomb?

PP here. I cannot tell what to do. All I will say is that everyone has a point of clarity. I hoped for the best while, in the back of my mind, doubting he would change. But when he out and out TOLD ME there would be no change, I checked out emotionally. That was my point of clarity. Once that happens, things will never be the same emotionally no matter how much counseling you endure or discussions you have. At that point, IMO, your reasons for saving the marriage change. I was no longer vested emotionally in the marriage but "fought" to save it for purely practical reasons. That led to even more resentment and primed the pump for my affair. So in my case, once I was checked out emotionally, I should have left.