Why did you cheat on your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depressions, anxiety, unresolved issues with self esteem from childhood.

I think most people having affairs are fooling themselves that it is about sex.

PP here. Let me ask you. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you considered an affair. If not, I am not sure you are in any position to tell anyone whether they are fooling themselves. I did not have any of the issues that you cited. I just wanted to screw on a regular basis. After intervention and pleading, spouse still refused.

So to turn your phrase, some of you who think that every affair is about more than sex are fooling themselves also. Some folks enjoy a healthy sex life and just want to f*ck.

Consider, no.... offers, many.

I am in a reasonable position because I have rarely counseled a couple that is dealing with an affair where the cheater does not have unresolved issues, they won't admit it, they blame others for their problem... but they have issues.

You may have the issues but you don't know it or don't accept it, it is not in the norm to put your "screwing" above the needs of others. You think you have it all figured out, you sound delusional.

Maybe you should ask a professional their opinion, have you ever done that?

What needs of others have I put screwing above? Do my needs matter at all - especially when I articulated my unhappiness to my spouse for YEARS. That is part of the problem I have with this armchair diagnosis. Am I wrong for doing what I have done? Sure in the traditional sense. If I knew then what I know now, I would have just divorced my spouse. But you all need to stop vilifying people who think that sex and intimancy should be a nomal part of a relationship. Everyone want to blame the cheater while brushing off some of the reasons that the marriage got to that point. Some people are horndogs who would cheat otherwise. Not everyone is.

Sure I have. But the professional did not tell me that I was delusional or sick because societal norms implied that I was. She told me that the desire for regular intimacy was normal and an integral part of any marriage. What I wanted was not strange or irregular. She urged to me to consider divorce which I did not do.

Yea... no ego or selfishness issues there. You need a less passive therapist that will actually confront you about your problems.

I don't see this as selfish, recognizing that there is something that you need in your life to feel fulfilled is not selfish, its healthy. What I love about these posts is transpose something others than sex that is important: I need to know that I can trust you when something goes wrong, I need you to listen to what I am saying when I talk about all the hard things going on in my mind and know that it doesn't change how you feel about me. I need your emotional support because my family are all asseholes, I need to feel like you respect my opinion and value what I have to say about our life decisions......... Do any of these things make you an ego centric or selfish? I don't think so, but sex does?.........

+1. If I were complaining about DH and his lack of support raising the kids (see other thread) and pleaded with DH for 2-3 years about (including counseling and other things) PP's would have a completely different view of me. But because it is about sex, I am a sociopath who need professional help. GTOFH!

If it were switched and no support from DH it still would NOT justify cheating.

I agree in theory, but there is no other option. What I mean is that if someone is not sexually fulfilled by their spouse, they have absolutely no choice in the matter. Other needs can be met by someone else, companionship, support, empathy etc, but sex can only be met by your spouse. So yes, you could divorce and completely dissolve the marriage, but is it better to dissolve an otherwise harmonious and effective marriage based on one very significant disconnect between partners, or is it better to find another outlet by meeting that need somewhere else? The bottom line is that cheating is a middle ground. If the rest of the marriage is poor than divorce is the better option, but if a satisfying sex life is the only thing missing in an otherwise happy relationship what is the better option?

Cheating is the opposite of the middle ground. It is far out in out space that you probably are lacking oxygen and can't think properly.

There may be some truth to that but (in my case), constantly being rebuffed and rejected (even after counseling) can leave you desperate, confused and not thinking properly. Am I to "blame" for having an affair? Of course I am. I own that. Did I step to my DH and try everything I could to try to change the dynamics of our marriage? I think so. So...am I SOLELY to blame for the conditions that made me so desperate in seeking comfort elsewhere? No.

And that is all I am trying to say. Sure, some people label me a whore and say I was wrong. Fine. THose people would likely call me the same thing if I had divorced him for this reason. But am I any more wrong than a spouse who denies the other spouse a basic human need? Why am I stuck to adhering to the same vows that he broke? Look, I did what I did. I have no regrets about it. DH knows and we are in counseling about it. But at the time I thought my options were divorce or affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depressions, anxiety, unresolved issues with self esteem from childhood.

I think most people having affairs are fooling themselves that it is about sex.

PP here. Let me ask you. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you considered an affair. If not, I am not sure you are in any position to tell anyone whether they are fooling themselves. I did not have any of the issues that you cited. I just wanted to screw on a regular basis. After intervention and pleading, spouse still refused.

So to turn your phrase, some of you who think that every affair is about more than sex are fooling themselves also. Some folks enjoy a healthy sex life and just want to f*ck.

Consider, no.... offers, many.

I am in a reasonable position because I have rarely counseled a couple that is dealing with an affair where the cheater does not have unresolved issues, they won't admit it, they blame others for their problem... but they have issues.

You may have the issues but you don't know it or don't accept it, it is not in the norm to put your "screwing" above the needs of others. You think you have it all figured out, you sound delusional.

Maybe you should ask a professional their opinion, have you ever done that?

What needs of others have I put screwing above? Do my needs matter at all - especially when I articulated my unhappiness to my spouse for YEARS. That is part of the problem I have with this armchair diagnosis. Am I wrong for doing what I have done? Sure in the traditional sense. If I knew then what I know now, I would have just divorced my spouse. But you all need to stop vilifying people who think that sex and intimancy should be a nomal part of a relationship. Everyone want to blame the cheater while brushing off some of the reasons that the marriage got to that point. Some people are horndogs who would cheat otherwise. Not everyone is.

Sure I have. But the professional did not tell me that I was delusional or sick because societal norms implied that I was. She told me that the desire for regular intimacy was normal and an integral part of any marriage. What I wanted was not strange or irregular. She urged to me to consider divorce which I did not do.

Yea... no ego or selfishness issues there. You need a less passive therapist that will actually confront you about your problems.

I don't see this as selfish, recognizing that there is something that you need in your life to feel fulfilled is not selfish, its healthy. What I love about these posts is transpose something others than sex that is important: I need to know that I can trust you when something goes wrong, I need you to listen to what I am saying when I talk about all the hard things going on in my mind and know that it doesn't change how you feel about me. I need your emotional support because my family are all asseholes, I need to feel like you respect my opinion and value what I have to say about our life decisions......... Do any of these things make you an ego centric or selfish? I don't think so, but sex does?.........

+1. If I were complaining about DH and his lack of support raising the kids (see other thread) and pleaded with DH for 2-3 years about (including counseling and other things) PP's would have a completely different view of me. But because it is about sex, I am a sociopath who need professional help. GTOFH!

Misery loves company and these are some miserable folks around here. Don't touch each other, can't stand each other, just hanging on because appearances and who is going to pay the bills. MIND YOU these same folks hanging on because they don't want to give up their house and upper middle class lifestyle are calling the woman in the other thread who let a boyfriend pay for her law school tuition a whore and slut. Pots and kettles.

You really need to raise the bar. There are people who have a solid foundation with morals and values. Then there are the other ones...like yourself for instance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depressions, anxiety, unresolved issues with self esteem from childhood.

I think most people having affairs are fooling themselves that it is about sex.

PP here. Let me ask you. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you considered an affair. If not, I am not sure you are in any position to tell anyone whether they are fooling themselves. I did not have any of the issues that you cited. I just wanted to screw on a regular basis. After intervention and pleading, spouse still refused.

So to turn your phrase, some of you who think that every affair is about more than sex are fooling themselves also. Some folks enjoy a healthy sex life and just want to f*ck.

Consider, no.... offers, many.

I am in a reasonable position because I have rarely counseled a couple that is dealing with an affair where the cheater does not have unresolved issues, they won't admit it, they blame others for their problem... but they have issues.

You may have the issues but you don't know it or don't accept it, it is not in the norm to put your "screwing" above the needs of others. You think you have it all figured out, you sound delusional.

Maybe you should ask a professional their opinion, have you ever done that?

What needs of others have I put screwing above? Do my needs matter at all - especially when I articulated my unhappiness to my spouse for YEARS. That is part of the problem I have with this armchair diagnosis. Am I wrong for doing what I have done? Sure in the traditional sense. If I knew then what I know now, I would have just divorced my spouse. But you all need to stop vilifying people who think that sex and intimancy should be a nomal part of a relationship. Everyone want to blame the cheater while brushing off some of the reasons that the marriage got to that point. Some people are horndogs who would cheat otherwise. Not everyone is.

Sure I have. But the professional did not tell me that I was delusional or sick because societal norms implied that I was. She told me that the desire for regular intimacy was normal and an integral part of any marriage. What I wanted was not strange or irregular. She urged to me to consider divorce which I did not do.

Yea... no ego or selfishness issues there. You need a less passive therapist that will actually confront you about your problems.

I don't see this as selfish, recognizing that there is something that you need in your life to feel fulfilled is not selfish, its healthy. What I love about these posts is transpose something others than sex that is important: I need to know that I can trust you when something goes wrong, I need you to listen to what I am saying when I talk about all the hard things going on in my mind and know that it doesn't change how you feel about me. I need your emotional support because my family are all asseholes, I need to feel like you respect my opinion and value what I have to say about our life decisions......... Do any of these things make you an ego centric or selfish? I don't think so, but sex does?.........

+1. If I were complaining about DH and his lack of support raising the kids (see other thread) and pleaded with DH for 2-3 years about (including counseling and other things) PP's would have a completely different view of me. But because it is about sex, I am a sociopath who need professional help. GTOFH!

Misery loves company and these are some miserable folks around here. Don't touch each other, can't stand each other, just hanging on because appearances and who is going to pay the bills. MIND YOU these same folks hanging on because they don't want to give up their house and upper middle class lifestyle are calling the woman in the other thread who let a boyfriend pay for her law school tuition a whore and slut. Pots and kettles.

You really need to raise the bar. There are people who have a solid foundation with morals and values. Then there are the other ones...like yourself for instance.

Yea, let's talk about that. Is it "immoral" to deny sex and intimacy to your spouse consistently over a span of years? Is it moral to de-prioritize a relationship with your spouse because of bills or your career? Does having kids mean that you and your spouse are released from the vows you took to each other? Is your foundation built on love and chemistry or is it built on utility and convenience? See I have found "morals and vlaues" to be a fluid self serving concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depressions, anxiety, unresolved issues with self esteem from childhood.

I think most people having affairs are fooling themselves that it is about sex.

PP here. Let me ask you. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you considered an affair. If not, I am not sure you are in any position to tell anyone whether they are fooling themselves. I did not have any of the issues that you cited. I just wanted to screw on a regular basis. After intervention and pleading, spouse still refused.

So to turn your phrase, some of you who think that every affair is about more than sex are fooling themselves also. Some folks enjoy a healthy sex life and just want to f*ck.

Consider, no.... offers, many.

I am in a reasonable position because I have rarely counseled a couple that is dealing with an affair where the cheater does not have unresolved issues, they won't admit it, they blame others for their problem... but they have issues.

You may have the issues but you don't know it or don't accept it, it is not in the norm to put your "screwing" above the needs of others. You think you have it all figured out, you sound delusional.

Maybe you should ask a professional their opinion, have you ever done that?

What needs of others have I put screwing above? Do my needs matter at all - especially when I articulated my unhappiness to my spouse for YEARS. That is part of the problem I have with this armchair diagnosis. Am I wrong for doing what I have done? Sure in the traditional sense. If I knew then what I know now, I would have just divorced my spouse. But you all need to stop vilifying people who think that sex and intimancy should be a nomal part of a relationship. Everyone want to blame the cheater while brushing off some of the reasons that the marriage got to that point. Some people are horndogs who would cheat otherwise. Not everyone is.

Sure I have. But the professional did not tell me that I was delusional or sick because societal norms implied that I was. She told me that the desire for regular intimacy was normal and an integral part of any marriage. What I wanted was not strange or irregular. She urged to me to consider divorce which I did not do.

Yea... no ego or selfishness issues there. You need a less passive therapist that will actually confront you about your problems.

I don't see this as selfish, recognizing that there is something that you need in your life to feel fulfilled is not selfish, its healthy. What I love about these posts is transpose something others than sex that is important: I need to know that I can trust you when something goes wrong, I need you to listen to what I am saying when I talk about all the hard things going on in my mind and know that it doesn't change how you feel about me. I need your emotional support because my family are all asseholes, I need to feel like you respect my opinion and value what I have to say about our life decisions......... Do any of these things make you an ego centric or selfish? I don't think so, but sex does?.........

+1. If I were complaining about DH and his lack of support raising the kids (see other thread) and pleaded with DH for 2-3 years about (including counseling and other things) PP's would have a completely different view of me. But because it is about sex, I am a sociopath who need professional help. GTOFH!

If it were switched and no support from DH it still would NOT justify cheating.

I agree in theory, but there is no other option. What I mean is that if someone is not sexually fulfilled by their spouse, they have absolutely no choice in the matter. Other needs can be met by someone else, companionship, support, empathy etc, but sex can only be met by your spouse. So yes, you could divorce and completely dissolve the marriage, but is it better to dissolve an otherwise harmonious and effective marriage based on one very significant disconnect between partners, or is it better to find another outlet by meeting that need somewhere else? The bottom line is that cheating is a middle ground. If the rest of the marriage is poor than divorce is the better option, but if a satisfying sex life is the only thing missing in an otherwise happy relationship what is the better option?

Cheating is the opposite of the middle ground. It is far out in out space that you probably are lacking oxygen and can't think properly.

There may be some truth to that but (in my case), constantly being rebuffed and rejected (even after counseling) can leave you desperate, confused and not thinking properly. Am I to "blame" for having an affair? Of course I am. I own that. Did I step to my DH and try everything I could to try to change the dynamics of our marriage? I think so. So...am I SOLELY to blame for the conditions that made me so desperate in seeking comfort elsewhere? No.

And that is all I am trying to say. Sure, some people label me a whore and say I was wrong. Fine. THose people would likely call me the same thing if I had divorced him for this reason. But am I any more wrong than a spouse who denies the other spouse a basic human need? Why am I stuck to adhering to the same vows that he broke? Look, I did what I did. I have no regrets about it. DH knows and we are in counseling about it. But at the time I thought my options were divorce or affair.

You should do some individual counseling also.

You might want to read "mindset" to enhance some personal growth.

You need to stop looking outward to find a reason for your affair, your life will never improve until you look inward.

Even if you divorce you are destined to repeat your dynamic with your next relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because he's bad in bed. Not willing to put forth the effort, or be creative enough, to satisfy me. Because he didn't care that our frequency was also less than I could minimally tolerate.

Add to those sex specific reasons the fact that he was okay with me being chronically unhappy with him not pulling his weight.

Presto, affair.

And I'm not sorry, either.

You sound miserable. Why not just leave?

[Anonymous]

He's boring, selfish, and lazy inside the bedroom and elsewhere. Religion forbids divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years of lack of sex, other than wifely duty once or twice a month. Many talks, arguments, tears, attempted solutions, nothing worked. A woman showed interest, I was super lonely, felt alive again. Yes, totally cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason. Affair in the past, no one found out, wife and I doing better now. The kind of affair you never hear about, because it was undiscovered and saved a marriage.

Are you sure your wife didn't find out? To what did she attribute your change?

I am positive she didn't find out. I am not sure I changed. I think she changed, regained her sexual side as the kids got older. I also think I became more attractive to her when I stopped seething in resentment over our near sexless marriage and had a spring back in my step from feeling human again.

[Anonymous]

DH here. In my 15+ years of marriage I have thought about it, but I never have. I realize that the enjoyment from having sex with a new person would be real, but fleeting, and I just don't see myself as the type of person who has affairs or gets a divorce. I suppose my self-respect is greater than my curiosity. At the same time, I don't see my wife as the type of person who has affairs either and I try to hold myself to the same high standard. Finally, I realize it would be horribly destructive to my wife and children if I were to get caught, which is not something any of them deserve. That, and I made a vow in front of God and a few hundred friends and relatives.

So, I haven't and I won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Damn, so many whores here.

Yup, and there are lot of prudish cold fish here who look at their spouses as roommates and not lovers.

And those whores apparently have their mouth permanently sealed with cocks and pussies since they can't talk to their partner and work out a solution.

Right....except, before I cheated, I came to my spouse with my concerns and went to counseling about it (with him). Tried to work out a solution for 2 years. Things got worse. Then he came out and said that sex and intimacy were not important to him and that 2-3 times a year was the best I had hoped for. Should have divorced him then, but I didn't. That was my fault. But I had bought into this notion that marriage was forever and that sexual incompatibility was a poor reason to divorce. I do not regret my affair but I do wish that I had the courage to leave before I had one.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he's bad in bed. Not willing to put forth the effort, or be creative enough, to satisfy me. Because he didn't care that our frequency was also less than I could minimally tolerate.

Add to those sex specific reasons the fact that he was okay with me being chronically unhappy with him not pulling his weight.

Presto, affair.

And I'm not sorry, either.

You sound miserable. Why not just leave?

Money and kids. I don't want him to have half of either. He wouldn't have a pot to piss in if it weren't for me and I'll be damned if he gets 50% of my planning.

[Anonymous]

Why do people asshme that cheating folks havent talked begged pleaded with their apouse, havent gone to counseling etc. Some of the folks who cheat have done all you suggest and more and nothing has changed and if touch is your love language and the person you loved and made vows to isnt touching you and doesn't care that you need that well sometimes just sucking it up and dealing isnt possible. You cannot look at it narrowly. Cheating is not right but neither is cutting off intimacy in your marriage and just expecting your partner to be OK with it. When one of the shrill people acknowledges that I will stop posting in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years of lack of sex, other than wifely duty once or twice a month. Many talks, arguments, tears, attempted solutions, nothing worked. A woman showed interest, I was super lonely, felt alive again. Yes, totally cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason. Affair in the past, no one found out, wife and I doing better now. The kind of affair you never hear about, because it was undiscovered and saved a marriage.

Are you sure your wife didn't find out? To what did she attribute your change?

I am positive she didn't find out. I am not sure I changed. I think she changed, regained her sexual side as the kids got older. I also think I became more attractive to her when I stopped seething in resentment over our near sexless marriage and had a spring back in my step from feeling human again.

I will bet she knew. Decided the finances, kids, lifestyle were more important than a broken home. You would be surprised at how many women do know. She is merely doing the trick she has to do to keep what she values most. I guarantee your affair didn't save a marriage. She took a different approach, and has learned to be a good actress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he's bad in bed. Not willing to put forth the effort, or be creative enough, to satisfy me. Because he didn't care that our frequency was also less than I could minimally tolerate.

Add to those sex specific reasons the fact that he was okay with me being chronically unhappy with him not pulling his weight.

Presto, affair.

And I'm not sorry, either.

You sound miserable. Why not just leave?

Money and kids. I don't want him to have half of either. He wouldn't have a pot to piss in if it weren't for me and I'll be damned if he gets 50% of my planning.

I get it, know many that stay with husbands they really don't like. The kids alone I wouldn't cheat, no guy is worth losing that. Same thing I say to guys who cheat. No hole in the mattress is worth losing your kids and family over.

Stupidity knows no bounds.

[Anonymous]

I want to cheat on DH only because I want a new piece. Nothing more or less. I won't do it though because I'd feel like shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people asshme that cheating folks havent talked begged pleaded with their apouse, havent gone to counseling etc. Some of the folks who cheat have done all you suggest and more and nothing has changed and if touch is your love language and the person you loved and made vows to isnt touching you and doesn't care that you need that well sometimes just sucking it up and dealing isnt possible. You cannot look at it narrowly. Cheating is not right but neither is cutting off intimacy in your marriage and just expecting your partner to be OK with it. When one of the shrill people acknowledges that I will stop posting in this thread.

+1 I think if you look at affairs its probably 10% or people that are asshats and want some sex with someone else or fall pray to carnal desire. The other 90% would be people who have done everything they can think of to have this part of their relationship but are not able to. We have tried different strategies, i have made changes to myself, counseling. At this point there is nothing left to turn to but that she just does not care enough about me to realize how painful this is. I don't want a divorce because I like her, respect her, she is a great mother and outside of sex we get along really well. Not having sex with your partner is violating your marriage contract as well, so I am not sure why deniers get a pass but people that decide they need to take action to make themselves happy when their spouse actively decides not to get painted as selfish asseholes who don't have any morals. If you ask any cheater if they would rather be doing what they are doing with their AP with their spouse, I think 90% would say yes.