Low earning husband who does not want to share any housework or parenting duties
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Anonymous
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It's killing me..... I feel like I married a guy from a developing country who basically expects the wife to be a servant. I have complained vocally for 2-3 yrs and am at a loss. Considering separation. But then I stop and think, is this better than being divorced? Socially, I suppose so. There seems to be a stigma there.... . But otherwise I just am so miserable working non stop. We tried having a housekeeper, he did even less, and with young kids, there was still tons of work for me. I didn't feel the help was worth what it was costing us on a monthly basis. we scaled back to a light cleanup biweekly. the money still feels really high to me, but I know that little bit of help keeps me sane.
I just don't know how long I can last. It's been 8 yrs. He makes 65k, which covers our mortgage and utilities and groceries. I earn under him, 45-60k but it's variable, and part time so i can pick up kids. My earnings are essentaly everything that go to our savings, our meager disposable income. I have argued for moving further out (we live in the city in a townhouse that is totally out of our budget), me working full time, renting out part of our house... But he refuses to consider any of that, even brown bagging his lunch that I make. We are 41 and have three kids. I feel like a huge fool. BC While there are financial angles to it, at the base it is a communication and respect issue. We tried counseling but our counselor had a suprise health problem early, three sessions in, and we haven't revisited it bc I am running around like a maniac between work, kids, and managing our lives and felt like we couldn't afford it. I feel like my kids deserve an intact home, but at what cost to me personally? I feel so beat down. any advice if you have been there done that? To anyone who wants to attack or lecture, I don't have time... just wondering if there is any way out short of separation. |
Anonymous
| You expect to be able to run a separate household on $40k? |
Anonymous
| Dump him. |
Anonymous
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Just because you don't earn a lot it doesn't mean you don't work hard. Manual labor is exhausting, for example. Digging ditches is hard work.
Maybe you need a more frequent housekeeper than whatever you had before. Maybe put his dirty messes on his side of the bed to drive home the point.. Maybe make a list of everything that needs to be done and sit with him to divide up the list fairly. |
Anonymous
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My God. OP, your kids will be better of with a happy mom who isn't constantly tired from working her ass to death, and seeing a healthy relationship where one party isn't using and abusing the other.
Talk to a divorce lawyer. This is your life. You deserve better. |
Anonymous
no. I would get a full time job and could expect to earn around 85k,possibly higher, but hours go through the roof. I guess I would hire someone to pick the kids up from school. |
Anonymous
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Why would you have more than one kid let alone one with a guy who treats you like a servant?
Make a chore wheel for the family. Go to couples counseling. Go to financial counseling if you are living in a home you can't afford. |
Anonymous
| Get out while you can OP. Before the kids get older. |
Anonymous
| Your husband isn't low-earning at all -- that's a perfectly respectable middle class salary in the DC area. The problems are, as you note, really about communication and respect. |
Anonymous
| Start the higher earning job NOW and out kids in before and after care. Start making plans to leave and stop making his life easier. Do whatever you have to do to make your life and the kids life easier. |
Anonymous
| Where do you live OP? Are the savings in your name? It might be time to start a divorce fund and plan |
Anonymous
No, wait till the divorce happens to get the high earning job. Might make a better case for alimony and child support |
Anonymous
| Go to work foul time now. Outsource some of these duties. |
Anonymous
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Have you tried going on strike? Making meals for everyone except him. Doing everyone's laundry except his. Cleaning up the common areas and kids' bedrooms, but not his areas, if he has any. Perhaps telling him to sleep on the couch so that you can have a clean bedroom without having to clean up his stuff? Not buying anything for him when going shopping. Not consulting him at all on anything, making weekend plans with playdates and activities and seeing friends, but not telling him. Basically, shutting him out until he sees reason. |
Anonymous
+1. Act as a single mother. |