Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
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Anonymous
+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children. |
Anonymous
| I question op's premise. My kids come before my spouse and I hope he feels the same way. And I'm still on my first and hopefully only marriage. |
Anonymous
Then don't remarry. You don't have to be married and if you aren't ready to deal with someone who already has a family, you should stay single. |
Anonymous
Much snippage, but replying back. I agree, and I would only amend this to include someone with no children at all not having a good understanding of what's appropriate for older children. However, none of that negates their right to have a voice on what happens in their own home and marriage. I'm not saying a brand new step-parent should really even attempt to truly act as a parent on an equal footing with the biological parents. They should, however, have some input, particularly when you're talking about things like household finances which are really only secondarily linked to "parenting". For the PP saying there are no-win situations: absolutely. And the point isn't that your husbands first kids should be the only judges of whether or not he is present and supportive. They may not get everything they want (which is really probably just getting back together with their mom). I'm a child of divorce, and I've seen lots of other people like this who never ever grow up and realize that: 1) it's not all about them and 2) there are rarely black hat/white hat villains and heroes. There's no reason your husband shouldn't simply do what is reasonable and right, and if his kids are still pissed at him to some degree, then that's their problem. At some point, you have to take responsibility for your own happiness (directing this at the kids). |
Anonymous
Are you a child of divorce? I am. I think people should take marriage seriously, should stay married if at all possible, and if not, wait until their children are grown to remarry. One family per adult. |
Anonymous
You're funny. I got into that marriage in 1990, and while I was on Usenet, there were no blogs. You're also either naive or disingenuous if you think you can learn the reality of an experience like marriage or parenting from a book. |
Anonymous
Yeah, not everyone feels this way; some people the spouse comes first, and in the best of all circumstances, nobody "comes first"... |
Anonymous
I'm also a child of divorce, and I think that it's dumb to make blanket rules and expect them to fit well for all situations. By the time my mom remarried, I was old enough that having a stepdad wasn't really relevant to my life, but my sister is a lot younger than me. Having a supportive father figure in her life (more about our bio dad in a minute) and observing a healthy and supportive marriage was great for her. Our bio dad never remarried. The ~5 years or so when he had a serious girlfriend, he was happier, kinder, and more fun to be around generally. Since that relationship fell apart, he has largely been a lonely person who relies emotionally on his children (my brother especially) in a way that I do not believe is healthy for any of us. I wish that he had met someone he wanted to marry, because I think that he would be happier as a person. I especially wish that that had happened when my siblings and I still lived at home, because it would've been nice to have a dad who wasn't bitter all the time. To each according to their needs. |
Anonymous
Worked fine for us. We've been married over 20 years. We each brought two kids into the marriage and then had one together. All but one is grown and gone. We have always considered the kids "our kids". We never used the term "step" to define our relationships with the children. When we married, we made a decision to create a family. Biology has nothing at all to do with it. I love all my children. None is a "priority" over another. My ex-husband is also remarried. I could not have hand-picked a better other-mother for my kids. I've never felt the need to compete with her. My kids love her and she loves them. How on earth can children have too many people in their lives who love and support them? It works when the adults are mature and self-actualized enough to make it work. It fails when parents (usually the wife/ex-wife) can't let go of petty jealously and resentment. |
Anonymous
+1 I think that people are making general statements. The needs of children always take first priority. But most issues that arise aren't about the needs of children; they are about the wants of children and/or ex-spouses. And I don't think they should necessarily always take priority. Children should feel secure -- that they are loved and their needs will be met. But it does them harm to make them feel like their every want comes before the feelings of other people. And even worse is when an ex-spouse uses children as a means to exercise control over her/his ex's new relationship. There has to be balance and give and take. Children should feel like they matter, but they should also understand that being part of a family means all members matter -- including the new spouse. |
Anonymous
I am the PP you are replying to, and yes, that's exactly right - that's exactly what I'm saying. Of course, even if your ex-husband thinks it's simply between you and him, anything you bring to the negotiating table or ultimately agree to, you will have had to get your new guy on board with too. It's like the commutative property: your ex-husband will be negotiating to some degree - maybe very small - with your new guy, with you as the go-between. In fact, that's how it should work - you should always be the go-between and never put either of them in the position of having to deal with each other. That little bit of poor role and boundary management is the main reason for the conflicts that started these threads. My original point was that being the person in the middle like that is HARD. And a lot of people hit the wall with it, and throw their new spouse under the bus, using "my kid comes first" as a shield. |
Anonymous
I'm OP and have often seen or heard people talk about how their marriage is the center of their lives and family. They love their children, but the healthy marriage has to come first. I don't necessarily share that belief, but I've heard it enough to prompt my question. I also wonder about the statements that the children of the divorce didn't ask for this, should always come first even before children from the second marriage, etc. You could say the same thing about the children of the second marriage since they didn't ask to be born into this. Probably, after 7 pages, I agree that no one "wins it all" if you want to view marriages and families as contests, and in the best scenario all adults act like adults. |
Anonymous
I am married, but this is how I would feel if I were to get divorced. Though to be honest I probably simply wouldn't remarry at all. My divorced friend seems to have had the best relationships with divorced men who also have kids from the prior marriage. |
Anonymous
I'm 2nd PP. If you look at the responses on the thread from people who are mature adults and didn't view it as a contest (which is the crux of it), everyone won - the blended family kids, and the parents. I know of several really happy healthy families like this, although my own "Brady bunch" was misery for nearly everyone. |
Anonymous
Well if your kids are first then your husband is last. I don't know anyone that likes to be the last priority. Most women think its ok to put their husbands last behind their kids. That's part of the reason men get so unhappy in their "relationship" because the woman stops being sexual with the husband and the man becomes nothing more than a wallet and a whipping boy for her to complain about. It is a mistake to put your husband last. Kids will grow up and move out. The husband wife relationship should be the one that extends beyond the kids growing up. Too often women simply say.... well... my marriage sucks but I'll stick it out for the kids.... and divorce once they are grown... |