Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the sentiment here about children and how they need to be prioritized.

I think, however, that many people coddle their kids unncessarily and end up raising entitled, spoiled kids.

Children deserve to have their needs met (whether that is emotionally or financially), however that does not mean that they get priority over the spousal relationship in every single circumstance. Spouses also deserve to have THEIR needs met, and if there's a conflict then you need to figure out whether needs or actually needs or just wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce. I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine.

Yup, I also completely disagree. What if ex-wife wants $10K summer camp for the child, new wife is not supposed to have any say in the matter?

Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP, my father agrees with you. The pain was tremendous for me, and for my brothers, and I'm super messed up in some ways from it. However, my dad found his second chance at love, and they are super happy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce. I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine.

Yup, I also completely disagree. What if ex-wife wants $10K summer camp for the child, new wife is not supposed to have any say in the matter?

Ridiculous.

Maybe, but that wasn't the scenario, which was $300 for a stepdaughter's dance and the second wife/stepmom quibbling over the fact her husband agreed to it, instead of taking the view that as stepmom she should welcome the chance to bond with her stepdaughter.

IMHO, new wife/unwilling stepmom would rather argue over the $$ for a dance than embrace her new role. Sometimes, when people (even/especially childless ones) enter into a relationship with a divorced man with kids, they really should ask themselves first: can I handle this? OP from the other thread seemed unwilling to do a variety of things:
1) look the money in proportion to the child's life cycle event;
2) question her own motives in relation to her husband, her step-child or her DH's ex;
3) or to ask herself if such a small amount of money was worth arguing over and risking a negative outcome to her new step-parent relationship.

OP from other thread just came across overreactive and massively immature under the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce. I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine.

Yup, I also completely disagree. What if ex-wife wants $10K summer camp for the child, new wife is not supposed to have any say in the matter?

Ridiculous.

Maybe, but that wasn't the scenario, which was $300 for a stepdaughter's dance and the second wife/stepmom quibbling over the fact her husband agreed to it, instead of taking the view that as stepmom she should welcome the chance to bond with her stepdaughter.

IMHO, new wife/unwilling stepmom would rather argue over the $$ for a dance than embrace her new role. Sometimes, when people (even/especially childless ones) enter into a relationship with a divorced man with kids, they really should ask themselves first: can I handle this? OP from the other thread seemed unwilling to do a variety of things:
1) look the money in proportion to the child's life cycle event;
2) question her own motives in relation to her husband, her step-child or her DH's ex;
3) or to ask herself if such a small amount of money was worth arguing over and risking a negative outcome to her new step-parent relationship.

OP from other thread just came across overreactive and massively immature under the circumstances.

You do realize that $300 is not a small amount to many people right?

[Anonymous]

I think it's a little weird when stepmom's compare their experience to their stepchild's, as the OP did in the other thread. "I didn't have my own makeup professionally done until I got married" is not really a reason why the stepkids shouldn't have their make up done. Stepmom is not a child of that generation. I think it's weird for her to ask for her stepkids' experience to be the same as hers, like she thinks her position in the family is akin to another kid, rather than a stepmom who is older.

I also don't think anyone was saying that the kids from the first marriage get priority over the kids from the second marriage. I think generally people would prefer that all kids get relatively equal treatment, and none get preference over the other. (BTW the kids from the first marriage getting priority is the exception -- look at all the comments in this thread from those kids whose dads practically erased them from their lives because it was just easier. Heartbreaking.) My view is that the kids should basically get preference over the second (or third, or whatever) wife, because kids are something the parents created together and gave life to -- and they are kids who need things and support -- whereas spouses are adults. Usually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
if you have never had children or been married before you really have no way of knowing or understanding what you are getting into.

Oh please. There are plenty of books (e.g. Stepmonster), blogs, and articles explicating this exact issue. And there are plenty of people struggling through step-parenting who would be happy to explain it if you were thoughtful enough to ask. If you failed to do any research, that's on you.

You're funny. I got into that marriage in 1990, and while I was on Usenet, there were no blogs. You're also either naive or disingenuous if you think you can learn the reality of an experience like marriage or parenting from a book.

Not PP, but so what? You still could have asked around or, I dunno, thought about it.

The kids also had no idea what they were getting into. Not that it would have mattered, because they had no choice anyway. So, boo hoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the error is in thinking it's a hierarchy. Spousal relationships are important. Relationships with children are important. My relationship with my husband is just as important to me as my relationship with my child, but when those two relationships are in competition for attention/money/time/etc., I prioritize the child because my husband is an adult who understands that the child has a greater reliance on me, while he is an adult who can largely do for himself.

In the situation you're referencing, I think that the OP's husband should certainly discuss these kinds of spending with his new wife, but the new wife does not get to decide what is and is not appropriate for the children in question. That's between their mother and father. Father should definitely consult his new wife and respect her opinions, but if there is a conflict between what ex-wife wants for her children and what new wife thinks is reasonable for those children, ex-wife's opinion carries more weight.

Note: in functional, healthy coparenting relationships between divorced people, it doesn't come down to this very often. I'm divorced and remarried and I've never had a conflict with either my ex or my new husband about anything like this.

Completely disagree. If this is what people think, no wonder second marriages have a high rate of divorce. I would never marry a man who put another woman's feelings over mine.

Yup, I also completely disagree. What if ex-wife wants $10K summer camp for the child, new wife is not supposed to have any say in the matter?

Ridiculous.

Maybe, but that wasn't the scenario, which was $300 for a stepdaughter's dance and the second wife/stepmom quibbling over the fact her husband agreed to it, instead of taking the view that as stepmom she should welcome the chance to bond with her stepdaughter.

IMHO, new wife/unwilling stepmom would rather argue over the $$ for a dance than embrace her new role. Sometimes, when people (even/especially childless ones) enter into a relationship with a divorced man with kids, they really should ask themselves first: can I handle this? OP from the other thread seemed unwilling to do a variety of things:
1) look the money in proportion to the child's life cycle event;
2) question her own motives in relation to her husband, her step-child or her DH's ex;
3) or to ask herself if such a small amount of money was worth arguing over and risking a negative outcome to her new step-parent relationship.

OP from other thread just came across overreactive and massively immature under the circumstances.

You do realize that $300 is not a small amount to many people right?

Someone keeps saying that. Yet every other thread on this board is about someone living "a middle class life" at $200k. A one time expenditure of $300 is not going to leave a lasting dent in those people's lives, unless they are exceptionally bad at managing their money. Please let's not pretend that this is a board of low income people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Not PP, but so what? You still could have asked around or, I dunno, thought about it.

Oh, I did - we did premarital counseling where the issue of step parenting was discussed. Not that my ex in any way carried out in practice what was discussed in counseling. I thought about it plenty. You really have no idea about these things until you do them...have you been a step parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe, but that wasn't the scenario, which was $300 for a stepdaughter's dance and the second wife/stepmom quibbling over the fact her husband agreed to it, instead of taking the view that as stepmom she should welcome the chance to bond with her stepdaughter.

To be fair, if the kids are all "Thanks! Bye!" then run off and prevent Dad/Stepmom from enjoying any of the homecoming experience as parents, as far as Stepmom's concerned, it's throwing money into a financial and emotional black hole. no idea if OP of that thread cares, has attempted to care for, etc., her stepkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not PP, but so what? You still could have asked around or, I dunno, thought about it.

Oh, I did - we did premarital counseling where the issue of step parenting was discussed. Not that my ex in any way carried out in practice what was discussed in counseling. I thought about it plenty. You really have no idea about these things until you do them...have you been a step parent?

No I have not. And I never would, because I have learned enough about what it's like to know that I would never want to do it. I would never believe someone who promised that things would go well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not PP, but so what? You still could have asked around or, I dunno, thought about it.

Oh, I did - we did premarital counseling where the issue of step parenting was discussed. Not that my ex in any way carried out in practice what was discussed in counseling. I thought about it plenty. You really have no idea about these things until you do them...have you been a step parent?

I think this happens a lot. Dad agrees to everything everyone says to keep the peace/make life easy for himself in the short term.

[Anonymous]

My MIL lives in a retirement community. She said for every 2nd marriage when 1 spouse gets sick, the new wife/husband basically take the sick spouse to the children, drop them off and say good luck.

For 1st marriages, they stay to care for the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe, but that wasn't the scenario, which was $300 for a stepdaughter's dance and the second wife/stepmom quibbling over the fact her husband agreed to it, instead of taking the view that as stepmom she should welcome the chance to bond with her stepdaughter.

To be fair, if the kids are all "Thanks! Bye!" then run off and prevent Dad/Stepmom from enjoying any of the homecoming experience as parents, as far as Stepmom's concerned, it's throwing money into a financial and emotional black hole. no idea if OP of that thread cares, has attempted to care for, etc., her stepkids.

Kids are kids, and they're not emotionally mature. They may resent stepmom for stealing dad, or not being their bio mom, or because she has pretty hair, or because she is nerdy when they want her to be cool. All of that is okay. Stepmom has to take it and be the bigger person. One day they will come around and realize how great she is. In the meanwhile it's stepmom's job to nurture them and help dad take care of them, not resent them for being "a financial and emotional black hole." They are still children, while stepmom is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I question op's premise. My kids come before my spouse and I hope he feels the same way. And I'm still on my first and hopefully only marriage.

Well if your kids are first then your husband is last. I don't know anyone that likes to be the last priority. Most women think its ok to put their husbands last behind their kids. That's part of the reason men get so unhappy in their "relationship" because the woman stops being sexual with the husband and the man becomes nothing more than a wallet and a whipping boy for her to complain about.

It is a mistake to put your husband last. Kids will grow up and move out. The husband wife relationship should be the one that extends beyond the kids growing up. Too often women simply say.... well... my marriage sucks but I'll stick it out for the kids.... and divorce once they are grown...

I don't think of my DH as "last"'even though I would put my kids needs before his needs. I guess the better way to put it is that we both prioritize the kids over ourselves or each other. I think that's just being a grown up. He's not a whippng boy I complain about and it's not like we never have date nights or get away by ourselves but we are at the stage of our lives where these kids we had come first and most of our attention and energy (and money!) goes to them.