Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

There is a huge bias to it is always dad's fault the marriage broke up - even if mom cheated and left the marriage to be with her lover. There is a huge bias all second wives are horrible people. No one considers the fact mom may be a terrible mom, not allow dad to see the kids, and there is no expectation mom use the child support properly. SO, if mom doesn't use the child support properly, she then goes to dad, dad cannot afford her demand, he looks like the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm OP and just now got back to see the length of this thread. The answers are really interesting to me and there hasn't been as much snark as I expected.

I'm not the OP of the other thread, so the comments telling me to grow up and what a horrible stepmother I am are off base, fwiw. The specific circumstances of that thread aren't relevant to my question, it was simply that thread that prompted my thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first husband went on to marry a solid woman who was an excellent, loving, generous stepmother to our child. I know she struggled with sorting out how to deal with me, even though things were amicable and I didn't ask for anything other than child support and splitting medical and orthodontia bills. Everything else he did for and with the child and gave the child was on his own. I always assumed he was consulting with his wife.

Ultimately it's not really a "fair" situation when you marry someone who already has kids, and you shouldn't do so if you can't handle this. You're not going to get all your spouse's money, time, attention, or love. You will have to share. You can either embrace that and embrace the kids involved, or you work to cut those kids out so that you can put yourself and your potential hatchlings first in the nest. Or maybe you fall somewhere in between, and you technically do right by his kids, but you make sure you let them feel like second-class creatures that you resent. I've seen each of the three scenarios a million times.

That's always a factor to keep in mind when you have kids and you contemplate divorce. What kind of new partner is your future ex likely to bring into the picture? I know that if I split with my current spouse, because of the nature of his issues, he will be highly likely to bring in someone who will mistreat our kids. So I stay put. My mistakes are mine to pay for.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, as someone who was the step-parent once, and "married into" a family, I think what you're seeing is more a reflection of the attitudes of people who put the children at the top of the priority list, ahead of spouses. They do this to the biological parent while still married to them as well as to step-parents, but it's not as obvious because the other biological parent may have the same prioritization of the child, and does have an equal status or footing as a parent.

That is: in a remarriage, the child's needs are a "justification" used to have the biological parent's priorities or desires trump the step-parent's priorities or desires. It's not always just entirely selfish on the part of the biological parent - a lot of times there is a ton of divorce guilt, none of which they feel towards the step parent. There is also a lot of "suck it up, you knew I had the kiddo before you signed on", although most childless step-parents have no idea what they are signing up for.

I have seen biological parents do this to each other plenty - use the kids as a way to get their own way, or to trump the other parent's wishes.

After my experience, which ended in divorce, I didn't even consider dating a single parent. I am happily married and a biological parent now myself, and I cannot imagine ever needing to go through dating or marriage again, but if I somehow wound up a single parent, I might consider another single parent since I also have my own "trump card". That's pretty cynical, but it is a real dynamic...I just heard "my kid, my way" so many times, it's drilled into me.

PP here. This is my point exactly...and how that sort of thinking would kill a marriage.

I don't think it should be "my kid, my way." However, consider this anecdote.

Two good friends of mine divorced when their son was about a year old. He got remarried shortly thereafter with a younger childless woman, who immediately insisted that the little boy call her "Mama" and demanded to be included in all parenting decisions (including whether/when to vaccinate, what kinds of foods the little boy should be allowed to eat, what daycare he should be placed in, etc.). The boy's mom understandably was pretty upset about this and played the "my kid, my way" card as often as necessary.

Yes, but my point was that the "my kid, my way" was coming from the father to the step-mother, not from the ex-wife to the step-mother.

the issue lies with the remarried parent, for failing to have appropriate boundaries with his new spouse about parenting. Perhaps he has decided "my kid, my way" is the way of it.

Yes, it does, that was my entire point: [b]the step parent is affected by the parenting decisions made by the ex-spouses and since they are affected, their input has to be taken into consideration, just as the ex-wife who remains a parent gets input. The parent who decides to remarry does take on an extra juggling act - which they also choose freely to do.

And to those who say it's the step-parent's problem because they are an adult who chose to join the family: if you have never had children or been married before you really have no way of knowing or understanding what you are getting into.

As several people have said, in a mentally healthy and responsible household, everyone deserves to have their needs and wants addressed - that's not the same as getting everything your own way, but putting anyone "ahead of" others is basically wrong[/b].

I agree with all of this. Thanks pp.

Child of divorce and divored myself here. I disagree that because "the step parent is affected by the parenting decisions made by the ex-spouses and since they are affected, their input has to be taken into consideration".

Why would my ex husband agree to take into consideration the input of some new random guy I decide to shack up with or marry? He didn't marry the guy. He has no obligation to the guy. He has no choice or say in the random new person I have brought into my home.

*I* may have to negotiate my parenting decisions behind the scenes with my new guy. But as far as my ex is concerned, this is between me and him. You can't parent by committee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a huge bias to it is always dad's fault the marriage broke up - even if mom cheated and left the marriage to be with her lover. There is a huge bias all second wives are horrible people. No one considers the fact mom may be a terrible mom, not allow dad to see the kids, and there is no expectation mom use the child support properly. SO, if mom doesn't use the child support properly, she then goes to dad, dad cannot afford her demand, he looks like the bad guy.

I agree with this. I think Dads still get the short end of the stick even in this day and age. And I say that as a divorced woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a huge bias to it is always dad's fault the marriage broke up - even if mom cheated and left the marriage to be with her lover. There is a huge bias all second wives are horrible people. No one considers the fact mom may be a terrible mom, not allow dad to see the kids, and there is no expectation mom use the child support properly. SO, if mom doesn't use the child support properly, she then goes to dad, dad cannot afford her demand, he looks like the bad guy.

On what evidence are you basing this other than your own bad experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the kids first does not mean they get everything the kids and ex wife ask for financially, timewise, or otherwise.

Divorce is not some sort of unlimited ATM or guarantee that your precious snowflake will be put on a pedestal the rest of their life.

If the ex says it's in the kids best interest to go on an expensive trip, and that trip is not feasible because DH can barely pay his mortgage, that does not mean he's not putting his kid first.

Of course not. I don't think anyone is suggesting that this scenario would be reasonable. And a court wouldn't think so either.

But an ex who travels with his new family and does not include his own kids? Or ever travel with his own kids? Yeah, that person sucks.

Or, maybe dad wants to take the kids but is limited to every other weekend visits and mom refuses to give dad more time. My husband's ex would not allow visits or even to allow the kids to come to the wedding (she told them they were not invited when we offered to cover full costs from flights to clothing). Going to court for long distance visitation is a joke - court orders it, mom refuses, go back to court, mom agrees but then doesn't put kids on the plane, back to court... repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think once you have kids, you cannot be selfish anymore. And it's selfish to pursue a new romance and put a new spouse ahead of your kids. We pursue romance to make our selves happy. Our personal happiness is no longer the top priority once kids come along.

It is not selfish to focus on your marriage to the parent of your children. The hope is that a stable marriage is the bedrock of a stable family for the kids.

I think it's unwise to remarry if you are divorced with young kids. It does indeed create conflicts that everyone is better off without.

Oh please. Kids want their parents to be happy. And it's not good for any kids to be treated as the "mini spouse" of their single parent. It's definitely better for my stepchildren that their Father is no longer a single man feeding them cereal 3 x a day in an apartment. They have a family on our side with siblings, family vacations, activies, etc. Meanwhile their Mother drops them on her parents to go party. At least they have some semblance of a normal life since their Dad remarried.

I am glad it is working out for you. I disagree, however, about the bolded. Young children are developmentally incapable of putting their parent/parents' "happiness" before their own needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, as someone who was the step-parent once, and "married into" a family, I think what you're seeing is more a reflection of the attitudes of people who put the children at the top of the priority list, ahead of spouses. They do this to the biological parent while still married to them as well as to step-parents, but it's not as obvious because the other biological parent may have the same prioritization of the child, and does have an equal status or footing as a parent.

That is: in a remarriage, the child's needs are a "justification" used to have the biological parent's priorities or desires trump the step-parent's priorities or desires. It's not always just entirely selfish on the part of the biological parent - a lot of times there is a ton of divorce guilt, none of which they feel towards the step parent. There is also a lot of "suck it up, you knew I had the kiddo before you signed on", although most childless step-parents have no idea what they are signing up for.

I have seen biological parents do this to each other plenty - use the kids as a way to get their own way, or to trump the other parent's wishes.

After my experience, which ended in divorce, I didn't even consider dating a single parent. I am happily married and a biological parent now myself, and I cannot imagine ever needing to go through dating or marriage again, but if I somehow wound up a single parent, I might consider another single parent since I also have my own "trump card". That's pretty cynical, but it is a real dynamic...I just heard "my kid, my way" so many times, it's drilled into me.

PP here. This is my point exactly...and how that sort of thinking would kill a marriage.

I don't think it should be "my kid, my way." However, consider this anecdote.

Two good friends of mine divorced when their son was about a year old. He got remarried shortly thereafter with a younger childless woman, who immediately insisted that the little boy call her "Mama" and demanded to be included in all parenting decisions (including whether/when to vaccinate, what kinds of foods the little boy should be allowed to eat, what daycare he should be placed in, etc.). The boy's mom understandably was pretty upset about this and played the "my kid, my way" card as often as necessary.

Yes, but my point was that the "my kid, my way" was coming from the father to the step-mother, not from the ex-wife to the step-mother.

the issue lies with the remarried parent, for failing to have appropriate boundaries with his new spouse about parenting. Perhaps he has decided "my kid, my way" is the way of it.

Yes, it does, that was my entire point: [b]the step parent is affected by the parenting decisions made by the ex-spouses and since they are affected, their input has to be taken into consideration, just as the ex-wife who remains a parent gets input. The parent who decides to remarry does take on an extra juggling act - which they also choose freely to do.

And to those who say it's the step-parent's problem because they are an adult who chose to join the family: if you have never had children or been married before you really have no way of knowing or understanding what you are getting into.

As several people have said, in a mentally healthy and responsible household, everyone deserves to have their needs and wants addressed - that's not the same as getting everything your own way, but putting anyone "ahead of" others is basically wrong[/b].

I agree with all of this. Thanks pp.

Child of divorce and divored myself here. I disagree that because "the step parent is affected by the parenting decisions made by the ex-spouses and since they are affected, their input has to be taken into consideration".

Why would my ex husband agree to take into consideration the input of some new random guy I decide to shack up with or marry? He didn't marry the guy. He has no obligation to the guy. He has no choice or say in the random new person I have brought into my home.

*I* may have to negotiate my parenting decisions behind the scenes with my new guy. But as far as my ex is concerned, this is between me and him. You can't parent by committee.

Because if you go on with random new guy and have more kids, there are more families to take into consideration than just the first one. If you're a good person, you care about everyone involved, including your child's new siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think once you have kids, you cannot be selfish anymore. And it's selfish to pursue a new romance and put a new spouse ahead of your kids. We pursue romance to make our selves happy. Our personal happiness is no longer the top priority once kids come along.

It is not selfish to focus on your marriage to the parent of your children. The hope is that a stable marriage is the bedrock of a stable family for the kids.

I think it's unwise to remarry if you are divorced with young kids. It does indeed create conflicts that everyone is better off without.

Oh please. Kids want their parents to be happy. And it's not good for any kids to be treated as the "mini spouse" of their single parent. It's definitely better for my stepchildren that their Father is no longer a single man feeding them cereal 3 x a day in an apartment. They have a family on our side with siblings, family vacations, activies, etc. Meanwhile their Mother drops them on her parents to go party. At least they have some semblance of a normal life since their Dad remarried.

I am glad it is working out for you. I disagree, however, about the bolded. Young children are developmentally incapable of putting their parent/parents' "happiness" before their own needs.

And I disagree with you. Children, even from a startling young age are able to deciper whether their parents are happy/mad/sad etc. And they prefer happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think once you have kids, you cannot be selfish anymore. And it's selfish to pursue a new romance and put a new spouse ahead of your kids. We pursue romance to make our selves happy. Our personal happiness is no longer the top priority once kids come along.

It is not selfish to focus on your marriage to the parent of your children. The hope is that a stable marriage is the bedrock of a stable family for the kids.

I think it's unwise to remarry if you are divorced with young kids. It does indeed create conflicts that everyone is better off without.

Oh please. Kids want their parents to be happy. And it's not good for any kids to be treated as the "mini spouse" of their single parent. It's definitely better for my stepchildren that their Father is no longer a single man feeding them cereal 3 x a day in an apartment. They have a family on our side with siblings, family vacations, activies, etc. Meanwhile their Mother drops them on her parents to go party. At least they have some semblance of a normal life since their Dad remarried.

I am glad it is working out for you. I disagree, however, about the bolded. Young children are developmentally incapable of putting their parent/parents' "happiness" before their own needs.

Nobody is saying that children put their parents' happiness first. The PP simply said that children do WANT their parents to be happy, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, as someone who was the step-parent once, and "married into" a family, I think what you're seeing is more a reflection of the attitudes of people who put the children at the top of the priority list, ahead of spouses. They do this to the biological parent while still married to them as well as to step-parents, but it's not as obvious because the other biological parent may have the same prioritization of the child, and does have an equal status or footing as a parent.

That is: in a remarriage, the child's needs are a "justification" used to have the biological parent's priorities or desires trump the step-parent's priorities or desires. It's not always just entirely selfish on the part of the biological parent - a lot of times there is a ton of divorce guilt, none of which they feel towards the step parent. There is also a lot of "suck it up, you knew I had the kiddo before you signed on", although most childless step-parents have no idea what they are signing up for.

I have seen biological parents do this to each other plenty - use the kids as a way to get their own way, or to trump the other parent's wishes.

After my experience, which ended in divorce, I didn't even consider dating a single parent. I am happily married and a biological parent now myself, and I cannot imagine ever needing to go through dating or marriage again, but if I somehow wound up a single parent, I might consider another single parent since I also have my own "trump card". That's pretty cynical, but it is a real dynamic...I just heard "my kid, my way" so many times, it's drilled into me.

PP here. This is my point exactly...and how that sort of thinking would kill a marriage.

I don't think it should be "my kid, my way." However, consider this anecdote.

Two good friends of mine divorced when their son was about a year old. He got remarried shortly thereafter with a younger childless woman, who immediately insisted that the little boy call her "Mama" and demanded to be included in all parenting decisions (including whether/when to vaccinate, what kinds of foods the little boy should be allowed to eat, what daycare he should be placed in, etc.). The boy's mom understandably was pretty upset about this and played the "my kid, my way" card as often as necessary.

Yes, but my point was that the "my kid, my way" was coming from the father to the step-mother, not from the ex-wife to the step-mother.

the issue lies with the remarried parent, for failing to have appropriate boundaries with his new spouse about parenting. Perhaps he has decided "my kid, my way" is the way of it.

Yes, it does, that was my entire point: [b]the step parent is affected by the parenting decisions made by the ex-spouses and since they are affected, their input has to be taken into consideration, just as the ex-wife who remains a parent gets input. The parent who decides to remarry does take on an extra juggling act - which they also choose freely to do.

And to those who say it's the step-parent's problem because they are an adult who chose to join the family: if you have never had children or been married before you really have no way of knowing or understanding what you are getting into.

As several people have said, in a mentally healthy and responsible household, everyone deserves to have their needs and wants addressed - that's not the same as getting everything your own way, but putting anyone "ahead of" others is basically wrong[/b].

I agree with all of this. Thanks pp.

Child of divorce and divored myself here. I disagree that because "the step parent is affected by the parenting decisions made by the ex-spouses and since they are affected, their input has to be taken into consideration".

Why would my ex husband agree to take into consideration the input of some new random guy I decide to shack up with or marry? He didn't marry the guy. He has no obligation to the guy. He has no choice or say in the random new person I have brought into my home.

*I* may have to negotiate my parenting decisions behind the scenes with my new guy. But as far as my ex is concerned, this is between me and him. You can't parent by committee.

Because if you go on with random new guy and have more kids, there are more families to take into consideration than just the first one. If you're a good person, you care about everyone involved, including your child's new siblings.

I don't agree. My ex is not obligated to concern himself with my new kids or man. He can still be a "good person" by remaining neutral (i.e., not being hateful) to my new man and new kids. But I don't expect him to get into the weeds on whether the visitation schedule works for new guy. New guy and I have to work that out behind the scenes, between us. My ex doesn't need to know or care about new guy's work travel schedule or company holiday party that prevents me from making my scheduled night with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a step mom with three step kids and a bio kid. Kids always come first because they are kids. They need shelter and protection and guidance. Adults can create that for themselves. Kids can't. (Healthy) adults are self-actualized. Kid are still being formed. And we want them to grow up to be healthy, happy, productive, and kind. I'm already that. Let's focus on the kids here. All of them.

Thank you, stepmom. I wish there were more like you, in this thread and in life. Seriously, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?

That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment