Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

Children always get priority. period. Don’t marry someone with kids if you can’t handle it. It’s likely why you spouse is divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband still puts his adult children from his first marriage first and loves them more than our adult son we have together. It is what it is. If I had known how hard this would be and knew then what I know now I most definitely wouldn't marry into a step family situation. We have been married 37 years now and I can still say it's something I wouldn't do again.

That's more rare. Most men I've seen want a "do over". Often they distance themselves from their ex and even the kids with the ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children always get priority. period. Don’t marry someone with kids if you can’t handle it. It’s likely why you spouse is divorced.

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Kids

Marry someone with the same priorities as yours, whatever they are. Most people are divorced because they have conflicting priorities over something, whether it is fidelity, money, or kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband still puts his adult children from his first marriage first and loves them more than our adult son we have together. It is what it is. If I had known how hard this would be and knew then what I know now I most definitely wouldn't marry into a step family situation. We have been married 37 years now and I can still say it's something I wouldn't do again.

That's more rare. Most men I've seen want a "do over". Often they distance themselves from their ex and even the kids with the ex.

Funny, I've seen and experienced the mothers alienating the kids from dad and complaining they aren't involved and pretending they are deadbeats even though they pay child support, extras, insurance and more. If they are distancing themselves maybe its because the ex doesn't want them involved and pushed them out. Especially true when Mom has the affair and replaces dad with her AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always get priority. period. Don’t marry someone with kids if you can’t handle it. It’s likely why you spouse is divorced.

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Kids

Marry someone with the same priorities as yours, whatever they are. Most people are divorced because they have conflicting priorities over something, whether it is fidelity, money, or kids.

Your kids always come first but it should be equal in a remarriage between previous kids and current spouse and kids.

God has no place coming first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always get priority. period. Don’t marry someone with kids if you can’t handle it. It’s likely why you spouse is divorced.

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Kids

Marry someone with the same priorities as yours, whatever they are. Most people are divorced because they have conflicting priorities over something, whether it is fidelity, money, or kids.

1. Kids
2. Spouse

People divorce because at least one person in the relationship put themselves above everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, this is NOT a troll question, even though I know it's going to start a war I am curious if there are any thoughtful responses. It occurred to me reading the current thread by an OP asking about the reasonableness of a request for money from the first wife for her stepdaughters' homecoming.

Many people believe that a marriage is at the center of a family, and that two spouses should always put each other and their marriage as their top priority even before their own children. Even here on DCUM there have been threads in the past asking whether you love your spouse or your child more, or which is your top priority, and the responses have been mixed.

With that in mind, when I read threads like the one I referenced, many of the responses are "well, the kids from the first marriage came before the second spouse so second spouse just has to suck it up since decisions don't concern him/her and the kids come first". If a marriage should be central to a relationship and family, one might presume this would include blended families, then why is it anethma for a second wife to want a role or expect to be given some priority in their relationship. This does NOT mean simply ignoring the kids, but understanding that the strength of the marriage is critical, regardless of whether any children involved are part of an intact family or are now children of divorced parents and stepparents. Why does that philosophy change when it comes to a second marriage, or is it simply different people responding to the posts?

I wasn't sure whether to post this in the parentin-special concerns forum or here since it's really about the marriage.

Because the new step is marrying into a family that already exists. She/he doesn't get to alter that family anymore than she/he gets to alter her spouse. She/he also has no rights to the children in question. No rights to decide how they are raised etc., because they aren't her kids.

It goes both ways. Their parent has now included someone into their family. Meaning that parent has obligations to their spouse as well as family functions on the step parents side. Step parents do get to decide what goes on inside their home, and that means enforcing rules whether the ex or step kids like it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always get priority. period. Don’t marry someone with kids if you can’t handle it. It’s likely why you spouse is divorced.

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Kids

Marry someone with the same priorities as yours, whatever they are. Most people are divorced because they have conflicting priorities over something, whether it is fidelity, money, or kids.

Your kids always come first but it should be equal in a remarriage between previous kids and current spouse and kids.

God has no place coming first.

God does very little except for create wars

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, this is NOT a troll question, even though I know it's going to start a war I am curious if there are any thoughtful responses. It occurred to me reading the current thread by an OP asking about the reasonableness of a request for money from the first wife for her stepdaughters' homecoming.

Many people believe that a marriage is at the center of a family, and that two spouses should always put each other and their marriage as their top priority even before their own children. Even here on DCUM there have been threads in the past asking whether you love your spouse or your child more, or which is your top priority, and the responses have been mixed.

With that in mind, when I read threads like the one I referenced, many of the responses are "well, the kids from the first marriage came before the second spouse so second spouse just has to suck it up since decisions don't concern him/her and the kids come first". If a marriage should be central to a relationship and family, one might presume this would include blended families, then why is it anethma for a second wife to want a role or expect to be given some priority in their relationship. This does NOT mean simply ignoring the kids, but understanding that the strength of the marriage is critical, regardless of whether any children involved are part of an intact family or are now children of divorced parents and stepparents. Why does that philosophy change when it comes to a second marriage, or is it simply different people responding to the posts?

I wasn't sure whether to post this in the parentin-special concerns forum or here since it's really about the marriage.

Because the new step is marrying into a family that already exists. She/he doesn't get to alter that family anymore than she/he gets to alter her spouse. She/he also has no rights to the children in question. No rights to decide how they are raised etc., because they aren't her kids.

It goes both ways. Their parent has now included someone into their family. Meaning that parent has obligations to their spouse as well as family functions on the step parents side. Step parents do get to decide what goes on inside their home, and that means enforcing rules whether the ex or step kids like it or not.

No, the step parent does not have the right to parent children that are not theirs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always get priority. period. Don’t marry someone with kids if you can’t handle it. It’s likely why you spouse is divorced.

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Kids

Marry someone with the same priorities as yours, whatever they are. Most people are divorced because they have conflicting priorities over something, whether it is fidelity, money, or kids.

1. Kids
2. Spouse

People divorce because at least one person in the relationship put themselves above everything else.

People who follow God, Spouses, and Kids rarely divorce (several studies show how shared faith and church attendance are inversely correlated with divorce). And I don't think people should marry if they intend to put their spouse below their kids. Marriage creates shared obligations and liabilities and is very risky for most people. If you don't trust your position with your partner, you're better off not committing to them legally, financially, and ethically.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why you revived a 10-year old thread, but the answer is because they are children. And I'm not someone who puts my kids ahead of myself or my spouse all the time - I think my wellbeing and the health of my marriage are very important. But children need taking care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why you revived a 10-year old thread, but the answer is because they are children. And I'm not someone who puts my kids ahead of myself or my spouse all the time - I think my wellbeing and the health of my marriage are very important. But children need taking care of.

Also, it's such an abstract concept the way it is framed. If your spouse abused your child, then you should leave your spouse and help your child. If your spouse needs you to drive and be with them for surgery at the same time as your kid's soccer practice, you should hire a babysitter to cover soccer or find a ride with a neighbor. The abstract doesn't exactly work in the real world. But for those contemplating a second marriage, I'd tell you not to do it in part because you will be weighed down by constant loyalty binds that never end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, this is NOT a troll question, even though I know it's going to start a war I am curious if there are any thoughtful responses. It occurred to me reading the current thread by an OP asking about the reasonableness of a request for money from the first wife for her stepdaughters' homecoming.

Many people believe that a marriage is at the center of a family, and that two spouses should always put each other and their marriage as their top priority even before their own children. Even here on DCUM there have been threads in the past asking whether you love your spouse or your child more, or which is your top priority, and the responses have been mixed.

With that in mind, when I read threads like the one I referenced, many of the responses are "well, the kids from the first marriage came before the second spouse so second spouse just has to suck it up since decisions don't concern him/her and the kids come first". If a marriage should be central to a relationship and family, one might presume this would include blended families, then why is it anethma for a second wife to want a role or expect to be given some priority in their relationship. This does NOT mean simply ignoring the kids, but understanding that the strength of the marriage is critical, regardless of whether any children involved are part of an intact family or are now children of divorced parents and stepparents. Why does that philosophy change when it comes to a second marriage, or is it simply different people responding to the posts?

I wasn't sure whether to post this in the parentin-special concerns forum or here since it's really about the marriage.

Because the new step is marrying into a family that already exists. She/he doesn't get to alter that family anymore than she/he gets to alter her spouse. She/he also has no rights to the children in question. No rights to decide how they are raised etc., because they aren't her kids.

It goes both ways. Their parent has now included someone into their family. Meaning that parent has obligations to their spouse as well as family functions on the step parents side. Step parents do get to decide what goes on inside their home, and that means enforcing rules whether the ex or step kids like it or not.

No, the step parent does not have the right to parent children that are not theirs

NP. I think it kind of depends on how old the kids are. My friend married a guy with a 15 year old and a 6 year old. She’s very hands-off with the 15 yo but definitely helps to parent the 6 year old, which seems appropriate for a young child.