Actually, I would stay alone. |
No, I want to be very clear here. As I said, I encouraged my ex to take the kids to his girlfriend's house where he moved in with her. If that wasn't good for whatever reason, I encouraged him to take them out to dinner with or without her. Instead he has chosen simply not to see them on weekend nights. The only thing I have objected to is when he takes them to her house and then leaves them alone there while he goes out with his girlfriend for the evening. Of course divorce means change. Our kids have adjusted to plenty of change. I don't expect my ex to come over to my house as often as he did previously. In fact, although I am very welcoming to him, I would be happy to see less of him. I don't actually want him here that often, but I have long recognized that if I didn't facilitate visitation in this way it wouldn't happen or it would happen in an unsafe environment. ExDH clearly agrees since our arrangement is entirely by mutual consent and he has never filed for more time with the kids. Remarriage doesn't mean that kids should see their parents less often than they did previously. That is what is going on here. While divorce may mean change and "people move on," you can't simply "move on" from your responsibilities to a child. |
+1. My daughter berates her father for not signing up for his fair share of carpool slots her activities; then she has to nag him to show up on the right day, time and place. It's pathetic. In some ways I'm glad to see her standing up for herself. I have long since given up that fight, preferring to just do things on my own or arrange other family members who are reliable. I don't see it as my job anymore to remind him what he is supposed to be doing and how he is supposed to be behaving. But, in other ways I worry that the message she is learning is that all men are like this and this is all she can expect from guys in the future. |
In many cases it looks that way from the viewpoint of an insecure "spouse" in the new relationship. |
I also have the same belief. If DH and I were to divorce I would be very cautious in dating again. I don't believe all step parents are bad, but I've just seen to much. Sometimes abusers purposefully target women with children. And unfortunately once something bad happens to your child it can take a lifetime to undo. |
You can date. You just shouldn't remarry or move some guy in with you. |
Maybe but isn't it a parent's duty to: 1) ask why relationship ended, each party's role and how to change; 2) seriously consider the future spouse's maturity level and ability to handle step-parenting or at least not be jealous of a child; 3) go to pre-marriage/pre-Cana counseling to discuss these issues; 4) review the divorce settlement and get a prenup with new spouse before walking down the aisle? |
This is awful. PP, you deserve better from your father. |
To all of the people who try to justify their divorces by saying that it's bad for kids to see parents not modeling perfect love:
Step-parents are NOT ideal for kids. They just don't love the kids the same way, and that fact will permeate everything in the future, right on down to how to handle grand-kids. My own story: My stepdad and mom got married a few years after my dad died, and my stepdad started running the family business alongside my mom, right in my father's place. He was dead broke at the time, he is now a multi-millionaire. Yet he refused to let me brother enter the family business, as a real father surely would have prioritized. Makes my blood boil thinking about it. |
That's unfair. While it is true in many cases, it is far from true in all cases. There are many, many loving step-parents who work with the biological parents to create good environments for their children. My brother and his first wife divorced when my nieces were 4 and 6. My xSIL remarried about 3 years later. Her new husband and his two boys fully embraced their new blended family. They and my brother shared holidays and child duties through my nieces' childhoods. When my nieces were teens, my brother met his now wife, who had 4 kids form her first marriage. They decided to hold off on getting married until her youngest graduated from high school to avoid any issues with child support, etc. When they got married, their 6 kids (then ranging from 18-28) were the bridal party. My nieces are very, very appreciative of their extended family which includes 2 brothers on one side and 3 sisters and another brother on the other side. My xSIL and her husband have stayed on good terms with my family and recently came and stayed a weekend at our house. She's still aunt to my younger children and we've had a wonderful blended family. Both of my niece's step-parents care for them very, very much and consider themselves to be the girls' loving step-parent. I've known quite a number of blended families where the step-parents work hand-in-hand with the biological parents to create a loving and nurturing relationship. I've found that as long as the divorced spouses can put the children's needs first, that you get the most loving households for the kids. Those who prioritize the new marriage over the children are the ones that have the often strained relationships over time. So, prioritize the children and do what's best for them. If you and your new significant other can prioritize any children that either of you have before your marriage, then you can marry while they are minors, but otherwise, just date and keep them a priority. Just remember that you made the commitment to parent these children before you made a commitment to your new spouse. Honor your commitments. |
These responses blow me away. I feel that no one sees the larger picture.
First of all, what does it look like to put a spouse first? Or a child first? If a child is used to sleeping in daddy’s bed on his weekends should his new spouse take the couch with a smile? Or should he choose to sleep next to his wife and explain to the child that daddy still loves (child) very much, and although the bedtime routine will have to change , daddy will always make it special bc he has enough love for (all kids) and (new wife) plus more to spare. Daddy could further explain how his new wife is not a replacement for their mommy , shes is daddys 2nd chance romantic love and should be respected just as daddy respects her. I dont care if its a nuclear family or a blended family, a child needs to stay in the child role, so they learn how to treat others and maintain positive fulfilling relationships. When a childs WANTS are put over a spouses NEEDS, a child ends up being put in the adult role which skew every expectation in relationships toward toxicity. It also sets the parents child relationship up for codependency. Putting the childs NEEDS before the spouses NEEDS is a scenerio that is extremely RARE! Its a choice no one would ever want to make. Its final, so both existing after the decision isnt a thing. I hope none of you remarry. I feel sorry for your future spouse and children, |
Its not just boyfriends or husbands. Ex-h’s live-in girlfriend has abused our child both verbally and attempted to physically as well. This woman will forever alter the relationship bw child and father. Here, the kids don’t come first, and it is an absolute disaster. |
My stepfather got drunk on my 12th birthday and slammed my head into a toilet like he was going to drown me, and then pulled me out and picked me up and threw me across the room and against the wall. He and my mom weren’t married yet. But she ended up marrying him anyway. Things did not get better. She would say to me “It’s my time now.” After she and my dad got divorced she was just furious that she had kids. She considered us to be in the way of her having fun and finding a new husband. FWIW, I’m pretty sure my entire life had been “her time.” |
I’m so sorry you went through this |
This thread is from 2015 |