Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

Wait a minute, it's been 7 years that you've been hanging in there but you have a kindergarten-aged child? How can that be?

What a dumb question. Are you an idiot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For better or for worse, right? This just comes off a little first world problem-ish.

Yes. People in the first world still get to have problems. I think you misunderstand the proper use of that ironic phrase. Feeling alone in a marriage is not a petty issue. Your local Starbucks running out of chocolate syrup is a petty issue.

[Anonymous]

Others have pointed out the financial, social, and family consequences of a divorce.

Kudos to you for realizing that if you had an affair, your husband has an Instant Valid Reason For Divorce that he can share with friends, potential dates, or anyone. He can become Saint Cheated-Upon and no one can question his sanctity.

I think a lot of your decision relies on how autonomous and responsible he is.

If he's cool with you going out to see a movie 1-2 times a week, and having some amount of social life independent of him, that's WAY different than if he's always complaining about you going out (either by yourself or the kid), always wants you to stay home, etc. Likewise, if he is a responsible adult in that he cleans up after himself and isn't at risk of buying some $25k boat "just because", that's way different than if he's always leaving a mess and is terrible with your kid.

This -- leading essentially a separate life from your husband -- may not be the ideal life you always wanted. But, it is potentially better than other alternatives, as PPs have mentioned. The PP who outlined various steps to rekindle intimacy made a very thoughtful post.

As for your kid, some people are just going to use any excuse in the book related to their parents' marriage to justify their adult misbehavior. If their parents had a happy marriage, it'll be "oh, they were so happy I couldn't possibly duplicate that" or "they spent so much time on each other, they didn't pay attention to me." If they divorce, it'll be "oh, they got divorced so I was angry." If they stay together in an imperfect marriage, it'll be "oh, they should've divorced, I'm angry because they didn't divorce."

I assume, of course, you made no comments about his "manhood" during your infertility struggles or otherwise blamed him. This seems to be when he started shutting himself off. Your response to someone who (IMO reasonably) asked about the timeline of your child's conception was a bit ... overly huffy ("if you must know") towards people that you presumably are asking for advice for.

If he makes some improvements, be thankful for that, and don't openly complain about how he hasn't reached your Ideal Husband status. Nothing will convince him to retreat further into his shell faster than your continued complaining in response to his improvements. I apologize as this does seem like it is blaming the victim -- but you can control your actions/reactions to his actions, not his actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

Wait a minute, it's been 7 years that you've been hanging in there but you have a kindergarten-aged child? How can that be?

What a dumb question. Are you an idiot?

Well, it'd either be IVF or it'd be adultery. Now if OP had a baby with another man while she was still married to her husband, don't you think that'd make things a teeny bit different?

I don't really see the need to be defensive about privacy when you're asking the Internet to be a free marriage counselor.

[Anonymous]

You said things improved (we're not perfect, but improved) when you were seeing a therapist. What came out in those sessions?

[Anonymous]

OP i'm right there with you but my DH has flat out told me if we divorce he will seek full custody of our children... So I stay to not live in fear my children will be taken away.

While he sucks as a husband he is a great father, save for the willingness to cut them off from their mother. So my kids are happy, I am misearble, and our therapist told me to just forgive what he said in anger. Sooo I fake it to be with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

Wait a minute, it's been 7 years that you've been hanging in there but you have a kindergarten-aged child? How can that be?

What a dumb question. Are you an idiot?

Well, it'd either be IVF or it'd be adultery. Now if OP had a baby with another man while she was still married to her husband, don't you think that'd make things a teeny bit different?

I don't really see the need to be defensive about privacy when you're asking the Internet to be a free marriage counselor.

I'm the one who asked. My point was if things started going south 7 years ago, to the point where you were just hanging in there, how do you have a 5-year-old? An "accident" I could almost understand, but I don't understand going through IVF (BTDT) to create a child with someone with whom you're just hanging in there. Maybe things weren't that bad 5 years ago?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP i'm right there with you but my DH has flat out told me if we divorce he will seek full custody of our children... So I stay to not live in fear my children will be taken away.

While he sucks as a husband he is a great father, save for the willingness to cut them off from their mother. So my kids are happy, I am misearble, and our therapist told me to just forgive what he said in anger. Sooo I fake it to be with my kids.

It doesn't matter if he seeks full custody, it is doubtful that either spouse would get full custody absent abuse, addiction, or other outlying behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP i'm right there with you but my DH has flat out told me if we divorce he will seek full custody of our children... So I stay to not live in fear my children will be taken away.

While he sucks as a husband he is a great father, save for the willingness to cut them off from their mother. So my kids are happy, I am misearble, and our therapist told me to just forgive what he said in anger. Sooo I fake it to be with my kids.

Consult with your own attorney to see if he has a snowball's chance in hell of actually getting full custody before you give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

Wait a minute, it's been 7 years that you've been hanging in there but you have a kindergarten-aged child? How can that be?

What a dumb question. Are you an idiot?

Well, it'd either be IVF or it'd be adultery. Now if OP had a baby with another man while she was still married to her husband, don't you think that'd make things a teeny bit different?

I don't really see the need to be defensive about privacy when you're asking the Internet to be a free marriage counselor.

I'm the one who asked. My point was if things started going south 7 years ago, to the point where you were just hanging in there, how do you have a 5-year-old? An "accident" I could almost understand, but I don't understand going through IVF (BTDT) to create a child with someone with whom you're just hanging in there. Maybe things weren't that bad 5 years ago?

OP here. Things weren't that bad then. They weren't great but not horrible. And the problems we had I blamed on being new parents and exhausted. I thought eventually we'd find our way out of it. We never did and things snowballed to now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

Wait a minute, it's been 7 years that you've been hanging in there but you have a kindergarten-aged child? How can that be?

What a dumb question. Are you an idiot?

Well, it'd either be IVF or it'd be adultery. Now if OP had a baby with another man while she was still married to her husband, don't you think that'd make things a teeny bit different?

I don't really see the need to be defensive about privacy when you're asking the Internet to be a free marriage counselor.

I'm the one who asked. My point was if things started going south 7 years ago, to the point where you were just hanging in there, how do you have a 5-year-old? An "accident" I could almost understand, but I don't understand going through IVF (BTDT) to create a child with someone with whom you're just hanging in there. Maybe things weren't that bad 5 years ago?

OP here. Things weren't that bad then. They weren't great but not horrible. And the problems we had I blamed on being new parents and exhausted. I thought eventually we'd find our way out of it. We never did and things snowballed to now.

Hey OP. I'm one of the many children of divorce that popped in to say that your kids would be just fine. Still think that but adding an addendum. When you remarry, pick wisely and don't be like these jerks http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/485240.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wait a minute, it's been 7 years that you've been hanging in there but you have a kindergarten-aged child? How can that be?

What a dumb question. Are you an idiot?

Well, it'd either be IVF or it'd be adultery. Now if OP had a baby with another man while she was still married to her husband, don't you think that'd make things a teeny bit different?

I don't really see the need to be defensive about privacy when you're asking the Internet to be a free marriage counselor.

I'm the one who asked. My point was if things started going south 7 years ago, to the point where you were just hanging in there, how do you have a 5-year-old? An "accident" I could almost understand, but I don't understand going through IVF (BTDT) to create a child with someone with whom you're just hanging in there. Maybe things weren't that bad 5 years ago?

OP here. Things weren't that bad then. They weren't great but not horrible. And the problems we had I blamed on being new parents and exhausted. I thought eventually we'd find our way out of it. We never did and things snowballed to now.

That makes sense. Sorry things went downhill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, OP, you can't say you haven't tried. He sounds depressed.

You get one shot at this life. I'm someone who rallies for posters to do everything they can to stay together. But it sounds like you may be at the point where it would be healthier to cut your losses and move on towards finding happiness.

What does he think about separating?

thanks. i certainly have contributed to the situation, i have had to figure that out for myself. H won't tell me things i've done that are good or bad, i get no feedback on my behavior. so it is all conjecture on my part through individual therapy the role i've played. the guy just won't TALK about anything that matters. he wasn't always like this. clearly. i am a very emotional person and i would have never fallen in love with somebody who wasn't giving something of themselves. a one way relationship is pretty lonely.

he doesn't want to separate. he was divorced before we met (no kids), so a second divorce would likely crush him. not that it won't crush me, either.

Men have emotions too. My guess is that because "he wasn't always like this" and because you are "clearly... a very emotional person" you have done things that have deeply hurt his feelings and rather than have conflict with you he has withdrawn from you to avoid getting his feeling hurt even more. My guess is that you do not support and respect him in the way he needs. He probably does not feel emotionally safe with you. He probably feels that if he shares his feelings that you will, in some way, look down on him for having those feelings. Because sex appears to be a main issue for you here and because he stopped initiating sex with you my guess is that you made him feel bad for wanting to have sex with you and now rather than feeling bad (e.g., chasing you and getting rejected) he simply doesn't chase after you.

I'm wondering if you has some instance of early childhood trauma or a very religious upbringing that makes you prudish in some way or judgmental about sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello, OP, I'm weighing in here although my facts slightly different - but perhaps to offer a happy ending if you do decide to divorce - I divorced my last DH when kids were both preschool age, and am now happily remarried two years alter to a wonderful new man I met who has stepped in as a doting stepfather. But the road is not easy. Not one bit.

As a single divorced mom, you will be tested - there will not be anyone to take your kids off your hands, even for 15 minutes, on the weekends alone with them - can you handle it? You will need to have childcare available to go on dates with other men and establish your dating life.... you will need to look your "best" on a budget that may be much less than what you had before your divorce....and above all, you will need to be grounded/happy and "there"f or your children at all times, likely seeing a therapist (expensive!) each week to make sure you are good, even if you think you are good (if you are feeling "good" after a divorce it is probably denial, a deceptive high.....that will blow up in your face at any point......)

Be prepared to accept help from friends - for me it was hand-me-down pots and pans and hand-me-down clothes so I could have the budget to invest in myself (read: botox to look fresher); food budget was not an issue as I spent my food budget on my kids the first year and starved myself to weigh what I did when I was 22- ----- you will have to present your best version of yourself.

And, dont be fooled - the men who offer to hook up with you now while you are married are not going to be interested in hooking up with you when you are single -becuase they are looking for someone married/unavailable to bang who doesnt want a commitment....

And --I think the worst thing to imagine is -- what if after your divorce your ex-husband suddenly rekindles romance with someone new, leaving you bitter of the past 7 years he's ignored/withdrawn from you????

See a therapist before making any decisions.

This is unfortunately true. When I was married and cheating, I hit on a lot of married women I never would have "dated" if I was single. I wonder if it skews the reality of women looking to divorce. No doubt it isn't hard to find men, even attractive men, to sleep with, but my divorced female friends in their 40s tell me there are very few quality eligible men out there looking for something real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Title says most of it. Contemplating asking for separation/divorce. My H seems content with little to no emotional or sexual intimacy. We have been in Marriage counseling for 7 months, I see an individual therapist. H does not want to see an individual therapist, saying he will figure things out on his own. I am realizing that I do not want to live my life wondering why my H doesn't want intimacy. I do not want to live my life fantasizing about lots of other men. I don't want to live my life contemplating an affair (I just turned down an offer from a married colleague in the same boat)

But what am I getting myself in to here? Two kids K and 2nd grade. I work and can support myself in a small 2 bdrm apt. I hate to do this to my children, but I am dying inside, and I can't make my marriage work all by myself.

Good luck, I have no advice. I settled for the marriage you have, but took the married colleague up on his offer. Hypocritical, but way less disruptive.

I think OP should have the affair and with a married man who isn't looking to leave his wife. If she wants great sex to fill the void, the quality of the man she can attract will be higher if she is unavailable than if she is available.